Some of my friends seem to have a natural talent for getting it a bit wrong when they open their gobs. Here are a few highlights:

Jen
“I’m loaded with the cold. I’ve just been to the herbalist to get some euthanasia”.

“It’s no skin off my teeth.”

Jules
“You can kill two birds with one bush!”

When attempting to compare my daughter to Shirley Temple: “Aww, look at those curls! She’s a wee Shirley Bassey.”

And my personal favourite: “I’ve got an exhaust in my hole!”

Darren
Asking me about 10 at Kirroughtree: “Are you doing 10 Under the Tree this year?”

In the market for a new pair of running shoes, he attempts to ask me about the shop where I buy mine, Achilles Heel: “You really rate that Athlete’s Foot shop, don’t you?”

He also spent his first month riding on SPDs calling them “DHBs”.

Got anything to beat those?

They need educating, good luck.

I have a friend who uses the phrase “six of one and a dozen of the other.”

We correct them, every time. They go “oh, yeah, that makes more sense.” Then continue to get it wrong. Every time.

“It’s no skin off my teeth.”

I actually quite like that. It’s the sort of thing I’d throw into conversation just to see who was listening.

Hm. I’m now re-evaluating the friend in my previous post…

I cherish the memory of someone telling me about a terrible accident at a junction, where “a girl got run over by an argonaut”.

I’ve been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods after a few beers.

“It’s no skin off my teeth.”

I’ve heard loads of people say that.

I’ve been know to ask if the Pope shits in the woods

Likewise – meaning something that doesn’t happen…

A friend of mine was really ‘good’ at these:

“a mind of information”
“I’m going to wipe the fall with you”

Spring to mind, but he regularly did it. Also uses “around” before saying the exact number: “there were around 3 of us who went out”.

Guy in my row at the football once –

He’s that quick. He’s doon that wing like a gazebo.

Now, there is a four-legged thing beginning with “gaz” that is an arresting simile for a fleet-footed winger. Which of these might it be?

“toot sweet”

My fave was one of Blairs babes on radio four getting flustered with John Humphries, her parting shot was:
“It’s a recipie waiting to happen”

Which slays me every time I think of it.

come the revolution, those up against the wall first will be those who say EXpresso

Colleague at work, via email, told us that he didn’t want to be made an escape goat.

My mind immediately went in hircine Steve McQueen directions, proper gave me the giggles.

Also uses “around” before saying the exact number: “there were around 3 of us who went out”.

Puts me in mind of a kid I knew, who when challenged by a doorman whilst trying to sneak into a club underage, told him his age was “eighteen, nineteen”, with a little comme ci, comme ca hand gesture. He didn’t get in. 🙂

the mother of a girlfriend from years back used to call people a “dickhead” until I pointed out what she was actually saying. She thought it just meant a bit of a prat. She also asked for Kampuchean coffee in a cafe once.

hircine Steve McQueen

say what?

hircine – goat

steve mcqueen- escape artist on a motor bike with barbed wire

“six of one and a dozen of the other.”

I have a friend who does a different variation of that, saying “it’s six and a half”. My wife and I have now adopted that idea, referring to two similar things as “five and three quarters” or “seven and five eights”.

Personal pet hates were an American colleague who used “I could care less” and “irregardless”.

“I don’t like long distance flights, they are so monogamous”

Someone on here posted once about someone called Mister Demeanour

Hearing of rumours on the great divine

Asking for a ball point figure

Mute points

A woman in a shop calling what I’m fairly sure was her son a ‘son of a bitch’ 🙂

And of course ‘literally’. I literally pissed myself. er…

hircine – goat

steve mcqueen- escape artist on a motor bike with barbed wire

Also, thinking about it, a nifty bit of alliteration.

A woman in a shop calling what I’m fairly sure was her son a ‘son of a bitch’

I regularly have exchanges with my mum where I call her a berk and she calls me a son-of-a-berk. Which probably explains a lot.

My wife and I have now adopted that idea, referring to two similar things as “five and three quarters” or “seven and five eights”.

I like that a lot.

Me and ms njee20 also adopt random mash-ups of idioms.

“Wind your horse in” or indeed “wind your foot in” are favourites. Trouble is I now have to really think what the actual expression is before I look stupid 😳

Actually I’ve thought of a few more that come from my Mum being French and either translating directly to English or just getting confused…

My eye (French equivalent of ‘my foot’)

Making a beehive for… (instead of beeline).

Not to mention that I grew up thinking a dressing gown was actually called a “dressing gun”…

Back in primary school, we all had to sing hymns in assembly, learned by the tried and tested method of ‘joining in with everyone else’ rather than getting hymn books.

For years I wondered what a “sadolie” was. You know, from the song, “oh come little sadolie, Chri-ist the lord”…

… which reminds me of, many years later, a mate asking me what the hell a “dord” was anyway.

From the Stone Roses song, “I wanna be a dord…”

A previous boss of mine was always giving me warnings about what might go wrong.
I should always make sure I locked up properly at night because another nearby transport company had one of their lorries stolen, “Even though it was demobilised”.
I should always wear goggles when grinding because another mechanic had a piece of metal go in his eye “right in the Cornelius”

Then there was the parts van driver who recommended the torches they had on offer at the time.
They were good value because they’d got Lithuanian batteries.

My older sister asked where in the world Guacamole is.

My dad was a specialist at spoonerisims and deliberately subverting well know phrases, my favourite was: “Bob’s yer uncle” and then conspiratorily (sp?) adding “except on a Saturday night when he’s yer aunty”

Back to the OP, might just be a Scottish thing but people who say “Modren” when they mean Modern. I mean it’s not difficult in a land where “R’s” roll like a trawler in storm, is it?

Also overheard a woman in the Supermarket having been out for dinner where they were served a plate of “Aspergers in a white sauce”! Quite nice was the verdict. I assume she meant Aparagus unless it was a Canniabal restaurant.

unless it was a Canniabal restaurant.

Muphry’s Law in action.

Some people just need a high 5

in the face

with a chair 😆

Wouldn’t that be a high four?

… which reminds me of, many years later, a mate asking me what the hell a “dord” was anyway.

From the Stone Roses song, “I wanna be a dord…”

I always thought Ian Brown wanted to be a door. It’s a pretty obvious conclusion to come to. An open and shut case.

Years ago on Capital radio, they did a phone-in when they played a song, then stopped it and you had to continue singing the correct words to win a prize.
Mr Loverman by Shabba Ranks was the song and a girl called in to provide the answer…..the music played….”Mr Loverman….” and rather than reply “Shabba”, she shouted out “Trevor” which she thought was what he actually sang.
Possibly the funniest thing I have heard on the radio – can’t remember who the DJ was, but everyone in the studio just burst into laughter and couldn’t stop. I think the girl was quite embarrased!

My now Wife has been coming out with these kind of things for years; pretty sure you could write a book of them.

I always used to wonder what a ‘bomzitit’ was, when my Mum used to refer to the state of my bedroom. I was about 16 before I realised she was actually saying “Your room looks like a bomb’s hit it”, rather than “Your room looks like a bomzitit”.

My mum when talking about a friend declared “she smokes like a fish”

A lot of folk I know do it on purpose to perform a Waaaah (sometimes known as Gotchas). For example:

“it’s not exactly Rocket surgery is it?”
“Do you mean Rocket Science?”
“Waaaahhhhh..!!!” (Very loudly for all to hear & accompanied with a finger point).

“He’s a bit CDO.”
“It’s OCD”
“Waaaahhhh….!!” (Very loudly for all to hear & accompanied with a finger point).

In fact Waaahhs can take many forms – classic is asking what time it is whilst the clock is chiming, or whilst your stood under a massive clock etc. in fact, it’s anything that tricks someone into stating the obvious. Can be seen to be the ruin of civilised conversation.

We’ll burn that bridge when we come to it…

Listening to a call-in on the radio once when the caller mentioned the well-know US talk show host, Ellen Degenerate.

Would make a great drag queen name.

“Your room looks like a bomzitit”.

That’s brilliant.

My mum when talking about a friend declared “she smokes like a fish”

Was she talking about kippers?