You have to own and care for a pet. It can be either:

– a 12-stone guinea-pig called Hrothgar, who wakes up every morning at 4am and howls deafeningly until you make him a small skinny cappucino using a proper Gaggia machine and really velvety foamed milk. He will live for 6 years and is not eligible for pet insurance; or

– a tiny immortal two-headed albino crocodile called Simon & Richard, who can read your wife’s mind and will always whisper to you what she is thinking, whether you want to know or not. As a side-effect of Simon & Richard’s immortality, no-one in your household will die by violence or accident as long as you take care of him.

Which would you choose, and why? (Asking for a friend)

A cat

quiet day in the office in HK this morning BD? 🙂

I think I’d have to go for the Guinea-pig. I’d want to know that at some point in the future he would die and I could choose something different from Big Dummy’s Little Shop of Horrors to ring the changes.

Do you stock anything with perfect pitch and few neuroses?

I have a couple of those guinea pigs . They do seem to get better as they get older.

Do you stock anything with perfect pitch and few neuroses?

Since it’s you…

– a bulldog called Cyril. Cyril is well-adjusted and excellent with children. He sings beautifully, but only knows the words to “When I’m Gone“, from Pitch Perfect. Singing it invariably brings him to climax, so he sings it often and loudly.

Any use to you?

Lunchtime happy hour at LKF, was it?

Clearly the Crocodile

As for the guinea pig what kind of deviant creature drinks skinny Cappuccino at 4 in the morning. Although I like the Scandinavian god sounding name.

You are Hieronymous Bosch and I claim my £5.

But I’ll take the two-headed croc while I’m waiting for the cheque.

I need more options, BD. Have another cocktail and try again. 🙂

I couldnt possibly have a pet named Cyril.

Nor Rolf, Jimmy or Gary. For obvious reasons.

I’ll have the Croc. I’m not married so its no big deal about the mind reading.

Easily Simon & Richard. Not only am I the only person in my household, but a two-headed albino crocodile sounds like a beautiful creature. My garden is always damp, so I think he’d like it at my place.

My niece had a guinea pig when she was about 7. I went missing one night so, being the awesome uncle I am, went round to help find the little varmint.
Many hours of searching proved fruitless as we had looked everywhere. Or so I thought…”Have you really checked the cage?” I asked…”Yes” came the response. She was getting quite upset by this point..
I’ll double check the cage, thought I.
Low, and quite amusingly (to all eventually), behold, there was said piggy dead in one of the climbing tubes of his cage.
Not just any tube….a 90° bend that was just a little to small for the fat little piggy.
Trying to get a dead guinea pig, with 90° rigor mortis, out of a tube he was too small to fit into proved a tricky task with a screaming/crying 7yo looking on. I had to break the tube with a hammer!
Both myself and her mum were crying with laughter though we told her we were upset too 😆

On that basis I chose the double-headed croc..

Simon & Richard is winning this hands-down. Interesting. I thought the mind-reading would put people off him.

🙂

Hrothgar. He’d get on well with Harris and Wombat. Although your choices are slightly limited.

Simon & Richard is winning this hands-down. Interesting. I thought the mind-reading would put people off him.

No chance, anything that can tell what goes on in a womans mind is worth having whether you want to know what they’re thinking or not 😆

+ I’ve never liked guinea pigs, they have a face that looks like they’re upto something. They might look all fluffy and innocent but they’re definitely planning things 😕

Not 100% but I’m sure that I once witnessed a hapless guinea pig in the clutches of a red kite. I always imagined the scene of the little kid playing with their pet, getting distracted by something and turn to find it gone and the poor old g-pig thinking life was once so much better…

Anyway, the schizo-sounding reptile, for sure. I reckon he’d have some stories to tell, too, what with being immortal. He’s gotta be well travelled.

Munrobiker, that top one clearly hasn’t a **** clue how to play Jenga.

– a 12-stone guinea-pig called Hrothgar, who wakes up every morning at 4am and howls deafeningly…

He will live for 6 yearsNo he won’t.

Guinea pig please. should keep next door company. It can howl whilst next door tap dances.

Thank you all for your reckons. This has been most enjoyable 🙂

I think I’d go for Simon & Richard personally. I hate being woken up very early.

I couldnt possibly have a pet named Cyril.

How about a bike, or anything else that knowingly doesn’t already have a name? 😆

According to the rules of my better half’s cousin, the alternative name is Jimmy.

a 12-stone guinea-pig called Hrothgar

Suspect Hrothgar may be a capybara.