Jokes – it’s that time again and you lot have never let me down

Told the Mrs the guy 2 doors down died. She said “Who? Ray?”

No need for that attitude love, he just passed away!

A Catholic Priest, a Muslim Imam, and a Jewish Rabbit go to give blood.

The nurse says “Have you ever given blood before?”

The Rabbit says “No, but I think I’m a Type O”

I’ve joined the local Autopsy Society, really looking forward to this evening. It’s Open Mike Night

If you’ve never tried blindfolded Archery, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Deaf sheepdogs; they’re hard to come by.

I bought a book today called “Overcoming Kleptomania”.
Well, I say bought…

Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger were discussing who they were going to play in the new Hollywood Blockbuster: The Great Composers.
“I wanna be Vivaldi,” said Stallone.
“I gotta be Mozart,” retorted Willis.
“What about you, Arnie?” they asked…

Whilst driving along the other day, I thought I saw Irish pop legend Van Morrison in my rearview mirror. What a fool I felt when I remembered that things appear reversed in mirrors.
It was actually a Morrison’s van

Orion’s Belt is a waist of space.
I know – it’s not a great joke. Only three stars.

My wife gave me an envelope marked “not to be opened until 2023”.
Inside was a list of reasons why I can’t be trusted to carry out simple instructions.

Can anyone remember the chiropractor joke I put on here about a week back?

I spent an hour this evening at my wife’s’ grave. Bless her. She thinks i’m digging a pond.

Watching Australian Bake Off last night, and the audience were all clapping as the contestants made meringues…
Which is strange as I thought Aussies normally boo meringue.

Lot of laughs here. Could you push my stool in?

A friend of mine said he hadn’t seen me for many months..
I told him i’d had the shits since christmas… but they’re back at school now so I should be free…

DrP

Why do you never see bears hiding in the woods?
Because they’re really good at it.

What happens when you cross a brown bear with a grizzly bear?

You get killed and eaten.

My ex wife told me I have 2 major faults… that I never listen..and something else..??

DrP

If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive you should try swimming with sharks. Cost me an arm and a leg.

I bought a book on addiction. I’ve read it 14 times this week alone.

I read a book about superglue. Couldn’t put it down

What’s E.T. short for?

It’s because of his little legs.

“Sorry to learn Piers Morgan has been sacked from GMB. I’ve left him a message of sympathy on my own voicemail.”

Some old classics from an old Canadian – not me, Stewart Francis, obvs.

I’ve had loads of jobs. I was a trampoline salesman, off and on.

I was in the park wondering why the frisbee gets bigger the closer it gets, and then it hit me!

Deaf sheepdogs; they’re hard to come by.

Oh, that is good. 👏👏

Why do Husbands die before their Wives.

Because they want too.

Man goes to prison, gets put in a cell with Mike Tyson, when the door gets locked Mike asks “do you want to play Mummy and Daddy?” Man thinks about and says “yes” Mike asks “do you want to be Mummy or Daddy?” Man thinks about it and says “Daddy” Mike says “ok pop over here and give Mummy a blow job”

I applied for a job at a Blacksmiths.

They asked me if I had ever shoed a horse.

I said “No but I once told a donkey to **** off”

Some mornings it just doesn’t feel worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
My computer beat me at chess,but it was no match for me at kick boxing .

@fasthaggis Emo Philips finest as used on some of my email signatures.

Another Tim Vine
“Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.”

Emo Philips finest

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks

One from jerry sadowitz:

‘Michael Ryan? He’s my hero. He didn’t discriminate, he shot everybody.’

Why does no-one ever feel like a left tit? But I’m giving up on rhetorical questions. What’s the point?

My wife was in tears when she called me from A&E, I said what’s wrong, she said I’ve just seen my x-ray, I said dont talk to him, just ignore him.

The inventor of the sexual innuendo sadly passed away today.

His wife is taking it really hard.

My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.

Would that make it an ‘innurendo’?

No, that’s an Italian suppository.

Emo Philips finest

When I was a child my parents told me “Don’t open the cellar door, never open the cellar door!”

But one day I did.

And I saw incredible things. Trees, grass, clouds…

(From memory, should google for the right phrasing)

Bob – My wife went on holiday to the Carribean by herself.
Alan – Jamaica?
Bob – No, she went of her own accord.

A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. “Comfy?” asks the dentist. “Govan,” she replies.

A man walks into a bakers in Glasgow and asks “Is that a doughnut or a meringue?”. The Baker replies “Naw, you are right”.

I went to the funeral yesterday of the man who invented the USB connector.

They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in.

The undertaker mentioned to me they had a right old game when the writer of the Hokey Kokey died and they struggled getting him into the coffin.

My girlfriend asked me for an innuendo earlier, so I gave her one.

Then a roadie walked past, and gave her one too.

A friend of mine plays in an orchestra and recently, while walking across the concert hall he tripped, fell and managed to hit his head on the timpani, xylophone, cymbals, triangle, snare drum, bass drum, tambourine and maracas.

He’d felt a bit dizzy afterwards and the doctor said he’d probably got a mild percussion.

They lowered his coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it round and put it back in – then realised it was right the first time so took it out turned it round again and put it in for the third time.

FTFY

A cop pulled me over and said “papers”.
I yelled “scissors” and drove off.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.

Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

I had a vasectomy because I didn’t want any kids. When I got home they where still there.

My wife asked me if I could clear the kitchen table. I had to get a running start but I just made it.

Boy: “Dad can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: “No sun.”

My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.

I know a Polish sound engineer, and a Czech one too.

[strong]Sandwich[/strong] wrote:

Emo Philips finest

I was walking down the street one day when a man nailing tiles on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo….. in morse code

Did you hear about the clumsy vasectomist? He slipped and got the sack.

A clairvoyant dwarf escaped from prison last night. The headline today “Small Medium at Large”

2 blonds walk into a building. You’d have thought one of them would have seen it.

“Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just pleased to see me?” my late wife asked me last week.

My pal claimed she could predict people’s future by ‘reading’ their tea leaves.

I tried the same thing, but with baked beans.

All that I got was Heinz-sight.