Gordon Brown , a man more scared of an election than an eight year old Chinese prostitute.

One night Dad is left at home and so has to do the cooking, in a bid to get the kids to try new things he cooks them Deer and decides not to tell the kids until they've eaten it for fear of putting them off.

Halfway through the meal one of the children ask "Dad what is this meat"

To which his father decides to give a clue "it's what your mother calls me"

The kids spits it out and shouts to the other children, "Dont eat it, its a f*cking Kn0b"

Courtesy of the late Mr T Cooper..

Two blondes walk into a building……….
You'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted," Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week…
And pulled a muscle.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank,
proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common? '
"It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff…
boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round."
The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said,
'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in Several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

A drum kit fell off a cliff.

Boom, boom, tish!

That Tommy Cooper stuff wins hands down. Lovely!

Some of it, I am pretty sure, isn't TC though.

http://www.instantrimshot.com/

ok, courtesy of a web site which claimed they were TC's jokes. I suspect many of them have had a fair degree of recycling.

what do you call someone who's fallen out of love with a tractor?

An ex tractor fan

Horse walks into a bar. Barman says "why the long face?"

—————————

Just found out my mother-in-law is Danish. Always through she had a face like a Norse.

Two Parrots on a Perch.

One says to the other. "Can you smell fish?"

I'll see your instant rim shot and raise you a sad trombone
http://sadtrombone.com/

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand… I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied,
"You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we
were married at the Justice of the Peace.
My family is barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. … Sex keeps me awake at
night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her.
A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." – My case comes up next Thursday.

Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."

IGMC

Fascinating fact:

Statistically, nine out of ten people enjoy gang rape…

1 out of 7 Dwarfs is Happy.

I'm so worried – I don’t know what to do now postmen have voted to stage a national strike.
If only scientists could invent a way for us to use computers to send mail electronically over the internet.

A man and woman are talking just after sex, the woman says
'If i get pregnant, what will we call the baby?' As the woman says this
the man takes off his condom, ties it and flushes it down the loo, he
turns to her and says 'Houdini'.

I'm not normally suspicious, but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round and injected his special resin into her crack.

She hasn't even got a car