Recently split up with my girlfriend of 4 1/2 years, still very much in love with each other which is what made it so hard.
Got to the stage where we were starting to plan a future together, looking at getting our place etc, and the question of children came up (again).
We’ve always known she wants them and I don’t, but have always glossed over this. I was 25 when we met, nearly 30 now and no sign of me changing my mind. A lot of friends have said they didn’t want any at my age, but are happy with them now, even my own father. It’s unlikely I will change but you never know.
She wants the certainty of planning things together, knowing she will have a family. I would love to carry on for 4-5years, which is when she wants to start a family, and hope one of us changes our mind. However, if the answer is neither of us have it would be getting a bit late for her (27 now) and this is what she scared of. I can’t pretend to her I’ve changed my mind and suddenly do want children, even though it may save our relationship now, it’s not fair on her at all.

I’ve left the ball in her court at present, she knows I still love her very much and would have her back like a shot if she decided she could take the chance of one of us changing our minds in the next few years. She sounds as distraught about he whole thing as I am, but really does want to be with someone who can give her a family and I can’t promise her that.

Anyone here had totally differnet opions about children from their other half? Did you overcome this? How? Or is this really the relationship breaker I hope it isn’t?

Kids, in my experience, is most definately a relationship breaker if you have different opinions on the matter. You must both want kids to have them, or both not want kids, not to.

What if you stay together and you still don’t want kids? That’d be even harder on her. Could you do that to her and live with it later?

Sounds like a no go or she will end up as a single parent if you do get tricked then leave

The older I get, the more I think arranged marriages are a good idea 🙄

TBH I was like you and now here I am at 49 no kids of my own and with hind site, I was wrong!! Would having a family save my first marrage I do not know.

Guess I never will

Think very carefully please

You have done the right thing 100% – you have both been honest and both shouldn’t compromise on what you want.

My brother was in a similar situation and kidded himself for years that his wife would change but she never did and eventually he left her to get what HE wanted (he was the one wanting kids in that relationship).

It’s a tough one. Five years ago I was involved with someone I was very serious about and she was desperate for kids, to the point that every single conversation ended up being “Baby, baby, baby…” all the time.

If you feel under pressure, you’re never going to want to have kids. I discovered that she was trying to take the choice away from me by not taking her pill (and not telling me), so I quit the relationship and moved on.

Yes, it was hard but I couldn’t see it going any other way. As it happens my partner now has two sons which I’m absolutely fine with.

When I was thirty I had the same opinion. I never wanted kids. Then unfortunately one turned up *ahem* unexpectedly. Since then I have found that actually I love having kids. In fact so much so we now have four of them. What is exactly the reason you don’t want children? At the end of the day it is the only reason you are here!

Good friends of mine found themselves in exactly the situation as you. Sorry to say that they did split up they both met and stayed with other people that shared their family plans. I think it is one of the few differences that is a insurmountable.

Probably not what you wanted to hear, sorry.

[edit]
Despite what a lot of people will tell you it is perfectly possible to have a long term loving relationship without having children. We have never wanted children and have been together for 26 very fulfilling years.

I guess my advice would be more for her than you and that is: if she’s late 20s and doesn’t believe her partner wants kids and she does, then go, go now and find someone who does. Because that is one life decision you can’t postpone for too long.
I have female friends who are mid-30s and bitterly regret not moving on in their 20s when they had an inkling their fiancee / partner wasn’t up for kids. By their mid-30s it had become far, far harder to either find the right person or conceive. What if you give it a few more ambivalent years and then call it quits; she’s the one who loses out.
That said, how sure are you that don’t want kids? I didn’t in my late 20s, by my early 30s I thought they were the best thing ever.

Why don’t you want kids?

An answer to that might help those of us who want kids be able to help.

Initially I wasn’t keen on the idea. Now my children are my everything. There is no feeling like a new born opening it’s eyes for the first time and fixing on you.

If you are *sure* you don’t want children and she does, then walk away. Best for both. However, are you actually *sure*?

What if you stay together and you still don’t want kids? That’d be even harder on her

That’s what she’s scared of.

TBH I was like you and now here I am at 49 no kids of my own and with hind site, I was wrong

I’ve heard that a few times. Can’t see me changing my mind but you never know. This is what I’m scared of.

I discovered that she was trying to take the choice away from me by not taking her pill (and not telling me)

I trust her 100%. I know accidents do happen, I’m one, but she’d never do this deliberatley to me. What life would a half-unwanted child have?

If you are *sure* you don’t want children and she does, then walk away. Best for both. However, are you actually *sure*?

I’m certain. Can I be sure that I will still be certain in 5 years time? I don’t know, I think I will be but can’t be sure.

guess my advice would be more for her than you and that is: if she’s late 20s and doesn’t believe her partner wants kids and she does, then go, go now and find someone who does. Because that is one life decision you can’t postpone for too long.

Think that sums her up exactly. Take the pain now, rather than risk greater pain in a few years time.

Guess I’m still feeling $hit at present and looking for the ray of hope. If there is one it’s that we are still best friends and still talking. The last thing we said to each other when I left was “I love you.”

She won’t change her mind. So you need to decide if you will.

Otherwise, let her get on with her life.

Of course, you could get her up the duff, and then if you do find you don’t like having the noisy little brats around, just do a runner.

I think a lot depends on how deep your not wanting kids runs. There’s many, many men out there (me included) who were pretty agnostic / erring on the negative side about kids, but have found it to be an overwhelmingly positive experience.
So I’d say closely examine your motivation for nae kids (one last time, I’m sure you’ve done this loads) – is it no **** way, or is it more of a cumulative I can’t really be arsed with them sort of feeling. If it is a clear no then you’re best calling it a day.

If that is the only thing that you disagree on then it may be worth trying to work it out between you. It really isn’t that easy to find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with so some compromise is needed. As with other posters, I and my wife started as people who really never ever wanted kids but when they arrive it all changes and the relationship just widens to include them – it’s great. It may be worth exploring why you don’t want them (time, cost, freedom etc) and working out how you could deal with it?

maybe you dont love her as much as you think you do?
i didnt want kids at all but then the right woman for the job came along and it all seemed like a fairly nice plan.

If you think you will never want kids – then you have done the right thing

If you think you will do one day – compromise now.

If you are unsure what you will want in the future – how do you think you can make your mind up?

The vast majority of 22-27yo women want kids, the vast majority of 25-30yo blokes don’t the only reason reproduction works in our society is a combination of accidents and blokes being persuaded it’s not such a bad idea. Are you really, really against having kids, or just not too keen on the idea because it will cramp your lifestyle?

At 30 I really didn’t want kids. Still find it frustrating how my life has changed, but I love the ones I have. I’d suggest the chances are you will come round to the idea – if she’s only 27 she has a lot of time left on her biological clock, and in 5 years time you might start thinking about the meaning of life and realise kids aren’t such a bad idea.

oh no – it’s an STW general consensus.

Checks for signs of the end of the world….

then the right woman for the job came along and it all seemed like a fairly nice plan.

Grade A, bloke statement. 😉

ta. 😆

leffeboy I’ll try and rescue this one…

I’m not in the market for a baby maker at the moment, but post up a pic and I might be able to trade you a much younger model who’s not interested in kids for at least 8 years.

it’s an STW general consensus.

No it’s not.

i was firmly in the no never not on my agenda until the ‘i ve got to tell you something speech’ i took a deep breath and said with you 100% bring it on. life changing best thing that could have happened in my life. i had been there done that though and was a week off 40 when the first was born.
if ‘she’ is the woman you love and she aint wanting one tomorrow go with the flow its the ride of your life.

‘general’ is the key word here, so I think it is (but I agree with your edit – children aren’t an essential part of a relationship and can actually add a fair amount of strain)

Thanks for that TSY, I kind of realised that we were missing ‘This thread is useless without pics’. Can’t believe we got so far down the page without it

go with the flow its the ride of your life

…and there is no getting off

children aren’t an essential part of a relationship and can actually add a fair amount of strain

I can certainly vouch for the latter 😥

The thing is, eventually the lifstyle you have in your 20s and 30s starts feeling a bit more pointless.

‘general’ is the key word here

Fair enough, I only posted the response because as one of the few people offering an alternative opinion to what is a very difficult decision I didn’t want my voice to be lost in the crowd.

[edit]

The thing is, eventually the lifstyle you have in your 20s and 30s starts feeling a bit more pointless.

mid 40’s here and I can assure you that life doesn’t feel remotely pointless to me. Actually it’s filled with good stuff. No doubt it’s different good stuff to those folk that have a happy family life but that doesn’t make it any less good, just different.

If you dont want kids split now or you wont get the choice. There are loads of women who dont wish to have kids in my experience, Ive been with one for 26 odd years.
I think, for me, loving kids is something you do cos you have to once you’ve got them, but not something id ever want to do.

Insurmountable – if you don’t want kids and she does there is no compromise available

Me and my wife decided recently we didn’t want to have children….

We’ve an 18 month old in the Worthing area, free to collector, if anyone wants to pick up, or can meet halfway….

DrP

Boom tish!

Imo, you shouldn’t make a decision on what might be in the future.

If you realy love her, you wouldn’t even consider denying her the gift of motherhood.

You should really make a decision on where you are today.

Right now you are utterly convinced you do not want children and think yourself unlikely to change your mind.

So, its an easy one.

You both go your seperate ways and get to where you both think you want to be.

I didn’t want kids when i was in my 20’s, in my middle 30’s i wished i had had them, now at middle 40’s I’m glad i didn’t

HTH

If she loved you she’d back down. Tell her “I want never gets.”

Just have a baby, how much harm can one teeny weeny little baby do after all!?

My OH never wanted children but I have always wanted two. We’ve held off and agreed that we would try for one soon which is what sparked this wedding malarky. Anyway, since resigning himself to the fact we will have a baby, sooner rather than later, he is now looking forward to it and chatting names/nurserys and whatever else (he’s 31). Literally up until 30 he wasn’t really interested.

All i think I’m trying to say is that you have to be sure you don’t want kids as you might change your mind,by which time it will be to late for her, and if you definitely don’t you have to call it a day.

maybe you dont love her as much as you think you do?

If you realy love her, you wouldn’t even consider denying her the gift of motherhood

Controversial viewpoint, but in hindsight, quite true…

Perhaps you “love her” for what you get from the relationship? (as you certainly don’t appear to want the same in the long run)

FWIW I found infants to be really, really objectionable – noisy, pukey little snot monsters who turn your partner and best friend into someone quite different. In my 20s / early 30s I definitely DID NOT WANT. When we did decide to have kids it felt like a compromise to me. I would quite happily have waited until 40!

However, had our first at 33. Seemed like an awful time to give up on a leisure lifestyle – starting to make good career progress, first house, wages picking up etc. But it was a good time to start. Friends who left it later struggled – both in terms of conception and in terms of keeping everything else together.

For me it was a question of “when” rather than not ever wanting, so different from your views expressed here. If it really is NEVER then let her go. If it could be “when” then talk it through some more….

I’ve heard that a few times. Can’t see me changing my mind but you never know. This is what I’m scared of.

Try being a woman who doesn’t want kids! I’m 31 and people (including my boss, which is slightly disconcerting) keep telling me that I’ll want to have kids, it’s only a matter of time before I decide to pop one out, and if I don’t I’ll regret it. But I’d rather regret not having kids than regretting having one, looking at it every day and thinking, “Nope, I’m stuck with you but I massively resent the havoc you’re creating in my life”.

Fortunately I’m with Mr Toast, who doesn’t want kids either, certainly not any time soon. As far as I’m concerned there’s no rush – if we do suddenly start feeling parental but I can no longer have kids, there’s always adoption. If one partner desperately wants to have biological children and the other doesn’t though, I’d say that’s a fairly massive problem.

I know plenty of happy couples in their late 30’s and early 40’s who are doing perfectly fine without kids. More than fine infact – having the time of their lives, with all the flexibility that not having kids brings.

Most of the couples I know with kids seem in a constant state of chaos, stress, lack of time, financial strain, difficult choices, worry etc, etc. But they do all say that having kids is very rewarding though.

Seems that the most successful couples make sure that having kids does not change their lifestyle to much. The kids are are part of their life but it’s not ‘All about the Kids’. They still see their friends and still do the things they enjoy but also take the kids with them.

Some rock climbers on a route next to us last week had their kids with them on the route, both kids tied into the same rope. Kids seemed to be loving it and it didn’t prevent the parents from having a weekend doing what they always have done. Brilliant!

Kids are like farts – you love your own.