I didnt want kids at all when I was in my 20’s (well ok I did at some point but not for a long time!)

It probably took me until I was 34ish before I thought I wanted to. Beleive me you have got to want to have kids to have them, they are very hard work, but worth it.

Its not fair on either of you to stay together, just in case you change your mind in 5 or 10 years time. As above if you decide to stick with it and have a child, because she wants one, I would very much doubt that you would be together when its 5 years old.

If you’re as anti as you read then the split was only solution. She’s free to find the man she needs.

As an amusing aside, something like 8% (IIRC) of French kids are fathered by men other than their mother’s husband. An article explained this in terms of women marrying a man for his postion and status then shagging another man for his genes; choosing a man to produce healthy, good-looking offspring.

I can see an element of this in my own choices. Of my girlfriends there were only two women I could ever picture pregnant without alarm bells ringing in my head and one of those is now my wife and a mother.

“As an amusing aside, something like 8% (IIRC) of French kids are fathered by men other than their mother’s husband”

Apparently the UK statistic is 1-10 !

I didn’t want children till yesterday, when I held my cousins 2 day old baby. I felt broody for the first time. Until then I didn’t want children at all, now I can see why people do. All the crying, vomit, attention, sleepless nights is actually worth it 🙂

I split up with someone a few years ago as she wanted children and I didn’t, we too had been an item for 4-5 years. My parents didn’t have children till they were in their mid 30s, I will be the same. You did the right thing, who knows how you will feel in a few years. Maybe something will change your mind too, Hope your keeping well.

I know a couple who’re in their early 40’s and have been together through mostly happy times for the past 20 years. He would love kids, but she doesn’t want any. Relationships are about compromise, finding the middle ground. In this couples case, although the guy would give his right arm to be a dad, he wouldn’t give up the woman he loves.

B.

OP: stop being all lovey-dovey with your ex. If you’re as determined as you sound about this, leave the poor girl alone and let her find someone who’ll gave her what she needs. You’re just messing with her head at the moment.

do you like having sex ?

if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

Also surely better you get her up duff than you end up bring up someone else’s kids.

Also what is the reason you dont want kids do you not think your genetic material should be passed on ?

I guess the problem you are finding is that you are both quite selfish where your own preferences determines the direction of the relationship. Given such polar views on children I’m wondering why you stayed in the relationship for so long. Unless there was something genuinely great about it. What I’m reading in your post is that you are worried she may have turned out to be your ideal / perfect partner and that by splitting up you are going to have to settle for second best. I was never that drawn to having kids but knew that it was inevitable that I would have them one day and was prepared for that. Our first arrived a little unexpectedly and a little earlier than “planned”. At the time it felt a bit early in life (I was 28) but looking on it now I am so glad we had them then. I feel for couples in their late 30s and early 40s who are now only just having kids as the physical demands look many times worse than they are when you are in your late 20s. Sure, we have struggled at times but having kids has been a truly life enriching experience and I wouldn’t change them for anything.

If you are convinced that you will never want kids then you need to man up and accept that the girl you have just split with deserves a partner who shares her desire and leave her alone. Let her move on and stop complicating her head and heart.

Insurmountable – if you don’t want kids and she does there is no compromise available

Spaniel?

do you like having sex ? if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

Preposterous!

I’m never going to have kids as my brain stops me from fancying women (it’s a condition 🙂 ) but for what it’s worth, I would take the opportunity if you can. Almost unanimously, friends tell me that having children is the most rewarding experience they can imagine. Also, what could be better than a mini-you? It’s your shot at immortality!

I wasn’t particularly interested in having kids. Met my OH (she was 39) when I was 29, and we talked about it, eventually decided that we would try. Took a while, she was 44 when she got pregnant and had our son.
The older he gets, the more I enjoy him. You feel a bit of a passenger during the pregnancy and the first year or so. Once they start developing and interacting its just fantastic!
To the OP, ignore those who are saying you’re messing her about and questioning your reasons for not wanting kids. Its not for everyone, but its better to be sure than have an unloved / unwanted child in the world, there’s enough out there already whose parents have had them just for benefits / housing.

“saladdodger – Member
TBH I was like you and now here I am at 49 no kids of my own and with hind site, I was wrong!! Would having a family save my first marrage I do not know.

Guess I never will

Think very carefully please”

This is extreemly good advice!

To the OP – if you do finish it for good, move very far away because otherwise in 5 years you’ll bump into her with her new baby, that she had with someone else and you know now how you’ll feel about that.

iDave – that was very cruel but almost certainly going to be true.

Sorry for the break-up, OP. It can’t be easy.

I don’t want kids, and I can’t see that changing. It was a deal-breaker in one relationship, and in hindsight splitting up was absolutely the right thing to do, for both of us. My ex wanted kids so much that it was a subject that could never be discussed rationally, so we did the sensible, mature thing of avoiding ever mentioning the elephant in the room (except to throw at me in unrelated arguments).

To all the people trotting out the usual clichés, “ooh, it’s different when it’s your own / you will later in life / if you loved her, you would” etc, wind your necks in. This might come as a shock, but different people want different things out of life, and you’ve absolutely no right to pressurise someone into doing something so life-changing that they don’t want to do.

To the OP, if you’re going to split up, you need to actually split up. It’s difficult, but the only way you’ll ever be ‘good friends’ long term is to drop contact in the short term (and by that I mean months rather than days). You’ve done the mature thing, now you need to stop hanging round like a bad smell so you can both move on.

One other thing. I remember being 27. I felt ancient. I wasn’t, and neither are you.

Higgo… Got two spaniels, but my wife and I are still desperately trying for a kid. At 37 and 33 we have left it a little late and after four years of trying have nothing to show for it but one miscarriage

I love my life now (good career both in work and in the TA), and I know how much things would have to change if we got a sprog now, but I am willing to do that. It’s even worse when everyone around you seems to be getting pregnant…

OP,

If you are really really dead set on never having kids, then I thin you made the right choice. Loving someone that much and seeing it all go wrong is very tough, but if changing is not an option, then it’s about the only thing you can do to let her have her dream.

Kids – Meh.

I’ve got two and frankly it’s a lot of effort for the reward. Yeah they have their moments but if you’re not up for kids I’d say give em a miss as it’s certainly not all that. If your partner is broody then it was probably best calling it a day and letting her get on with it.

Anyone here had totally differnet opions about children from their other half? Did you overcome this? How? Or is this really the relationship breaker I hope it isn’t?

Went through almost exactly the same thing around 10-12 years ago.
We actually split for a while, as MrsDezB had reached 30 and thought if I didn’t want kids, she would have to find her future elsewhere.
Originally neither of us wanted them, but she changed and I didn’t.
So… we got back together, had a son and he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
A real shame that we split over it because things happened while we were separated that are still difficult to repair.
I don’t believe in giving other people relationship advice, but if I had my time again, there’s just one thing I’d change: I’d have kept the relationship with the love of my life together. It’s a massive thing to compromise over, I know, but I’ve discovered it is worth it and not really a compromise at all.

To all the people trotting out the usual clichés, “ooh, it’s different when it’s your own / you will later in life / if you loved her, you would” etc, wind your necks in.

That’s a bit harsh. I think people are mostly describing their own life experiences. There are plenty of men who are absolutely dead against children in their 20s who change their minds. I think it’s fair that those people comment, I was merely ambivalent before my daughter arrived, but I wouldn’t go back. I’d agree that it’s probably the most significant change to your lifestyle you can have, so consider it well!

I have three children and gave up a decent career to be a stay at home dad. Really can’t imagine going through some of the hard times with just normal kid stuff like teething, feeding, falls, entertaining them when bored, trying to get them to eat well, education decisions etc if I wasn’t 100% for the idea. Biking opportunities aren’t the only things that disappear. Money is usually a biggie, as is much of your social life. Holidays now completely different too. All this changes to more or lesser extent as they grow, and possibilities change. Our eldest is 14 now and youngest 9, so they are much less restrictive on the rest of our lives than before, but of course they have their lives too and lots of our time is spent facilitating(taxiing and paying for)this. All this is what I’ve always wanted and envisioned for us, perhaps more since I’m from a large Irish catholic family and just seems the norm to me. If I hadn’t been up for it I can’t see how anyone would stick around.

Oh, and when you’re sure, get the snip. No hassle and only one weekend without riding.

That’s a bit harsh. I think people are mostly describing their own life experiences.

Some are. But there’s a good few, on the first page especially, with gems like this:

If you realy love her, you wouldn’t even consider denying her the gift of motherhood.

Ie, you’re a bloke, so put up and shut up, your opinion counts for nowt. On a point of note, the OP isn’t denying her the gift of motherhood, he’s walking away for exactly that reason.

I don’t disagree that it’s good to hear all sides, but I reject the idea that everyone wants kids and if you don’t you’re just in denial.

She wants kids you dont it was not meant to be now move on and get over it for both of you.

This quote..

To all the people trotting out the usual clichés, “ooh, it’s different when it’s your own / you will later in life / if you loved her, you would” etc, wind your necks in.

Selectively misses the following sentence…

This might come as a shock, but different people want different things out of life, and you’ve absolutely no right to pressurise someone into doing something so life-changing that they don’t want to do

and Cougar is correct that others (STW/ ex?) have “absolutely no right to pressurise someone into doing something “, but misses the point – that the OP and his ex “want different things out of life”.

I think you’re trying to make the same point I was. Perhaps I could’ve worded that better.

She wants kids you dont it was not meant to be now move on and get over it for both of you

Exactly the sort of advice I don’t believe in giving other people 😉

Here are some of the options:
Stay together, try for a kid. Hate the kid, regret life.
Split up, move on. Never find a love like the one you had, regret life.
Stay together, try for a kid, love the kid like nothing else ever, love life.
Split up, find someone better, love life child free. Love life. Get old, regret not having any children.
Split up, find someone else, have a kid with them, love it, fall out with the wife, get divorced…

The possibilities are endless. Only you know which one to take.

The OP should also have the snip as he’s so sure about how he feels.

As I’m 30 and my GF is 23 I guess I can dodge this bullet for a few more years, but for now I’m happy being the only child in out household.

Dez B, the only option you give with a positive outcome is have the kid and love it. How about
Split up, find someone better, love life child free. Love life. Get old, regret feel great about not having any children.

do you like having sex ?

if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

???? 🙁

do you like having sex ?

if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

Do you like masturbating? If the answer is yes, then subconsciously you don’t want kids.

As a father of two wonderful girls, who I’ve just had out pony trekking, I reckon I’m thoroughly biased 😀

Despite all the pain, worry and heartbreak, they’re the best thing thats ever happened in my life – and I reckon that the OP has just committed the the crime of cutting his nose off to spite his face 😕

OP – You can borrow some of mine just to see what it’s like for a while…

Seriously, though, as someone said above, let her go and stop playing romantic; it might be hard to do, but as it stands, you are only prolonging the necessary split that will allow her the children she wants.

What about Gay people that want kids? How does that work?

Yours confused,

😕

Tsk. Well obviously, that’s just wrong!

What about Gay people that want kids? How does that work?

Turkey baster for the ladies. Abduction for the gentlemen.

I only know two gay couples and neither of them have bothered with children.

I was more meaning about the enjoying sex bit.

Going back on topic, the original poster shouldn’t be bludgeoned with advice like “Go on, have kids. I love mine”. Having been there, it doesn’t help.

FWIW…

do you like having sex ?

if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

Do you like masturbating? If the answer is yes, then subconsciously you don’t want kids.

my thoughts exactly. i must really not want kids. 🙂

Just to add a different angle here. Just because one or the other person wants kids doesn’t necessarily mean they will be able to have them.

EDIT – what i’m saying is its a dodgy premise to bin a relationship (or indeed proceed with one) on the basis that you will definitely be able to give her a child and vice versa.

Tough call OP but I think you’ve already made your mind up mate.

Turkey Baster yeti. Take a look at mumsnet – theres whole threads worth of women using them and not just those in same sex relationships…. 🙄

i’ve read through this thread with some interest.

it’s a tough one, isn’t it.

i think it might be the only thing (that i can see on the horizon) that could come between the GF and myself.

i’m 28, she’s 29. right now is a bad time for her anyway as she has more-or-less finished her degree and is now heading off into the big wide world of work and careers…

her sister popped one out the other month and her best friend did so last week.

i’m sort of hoping that the stress, inconvenience and pile of shitty nappies that a new-born brings will convince her that she is better off without one.

and why do people get caught up on this new-born baby smell? the only smell that i got caught up on last week made me want to vomit and open the windows….

there was a time – before anyone i knew had one – that i though it’d be great having kids; a mini-me, a chance to improve the gene pool world, frisbee in the park, stay at home dad, etc., but all that was before i saw first hand the reality of kidizenship.

my best mate accidentally employed his GF as an embryo nursery. now the lad is three years old and he is great. it’s fun taking him to the park (girls love men with babies), throwing him in the pool, strapping him onto the BOB trailer and tanking him up on coke and haribos before giving him back to his parents. but he’s not mine. i’m only babysitting him (i know, i guess his folks are desperate and can’t afford someone responsible). part-time dad works fine. (actually i remember the time i was carrying him on my shoulders through town and he began pissing himself. not fun, but it was surpassed by the time he shat runny brown liquid all over his dad).

it was seeing my mate go from a selfish individual who’s decision making process was along the lines of “me, me, me, me, GF” to “baby, baby, GF, baby, baby, GF, GF, me”.

he no longer had time to do the things he enjoyed. biking went from 2-3 times a week to once every 2-3 weeks. frivolous spending went out the door at about the time the baby bed came in.

they are now financially much poorer (literally bread line) and have hardly any time for friends and family.

and this is my problem. i enjoy being me. deep down i’m a selfish git (the GF would agree with this, although i doubt she’s looking as deep as i am) and base my 90% of my decisions on what i want to do. i like being able to go ride when i want, stay in bed when i want/can and spend my money on what i want.

and it isn’t just the first few years of crap filled nappies, piss stained sheets, whining and restless nights. i’m more concerned by the next 18 years after that; finding a nursery, finding a good school, homework, holidays, evening spent running to sports clubs, finding another good school (secondary school, not because they got expelled though that, too, is an option), jobs/career, etc… my parents haven’t stopped worrying about me (perhaps with good reason) for all my years.

but then again, if it did happen then i’m sure i wouldn’t despise the child and that i would love them. i may even end up saying that it was the best thing that ever happened to me… i know my mum and dad say so, but it sure is a lot of effort for what (from my perspective) they get out.

and, an odd one this, but i’m not sure i want to put that much pressure onto someone. i didn’t ever want to be born. not something that i had much of a choice in, but now i’m here i’m having to deal with all of life’s pressures.
isn’t having kids partly a selfish act in itself? you bring someone into this world, lump all these pressures on their shoulders completely without their asking….

At the end of the day it is the only reason you are here!

no it isn’t… well, from a biological point maybe, but we’re beyond that now. i’d say the no. 1 reason you are here is to have fun.

and…

do you like having sex ?

if the answer is yes, then subconsciously you want kids.

says who? freud? what if you like having sex with animals? or men? or with your woman but like you would with a man?