*deep breath*

Once again I’m finding myself in a really s*#t place. I have changed quite a lot over the last year, much more anxious, I’ve lost some quality of my life, if I had any in, my own mind. I’m much more withdrawn than I have been, and I wasn’t exactly center of attention before.

Some on here have met me, done a couple of rides with me, and at the moment I can’t face people in social situations. This is down to various things going on my life. I got injured at the end of last year, an injury that on the surface seemed very easy to get over, but has caused a lot of pain and frustration. I haven’t been on my ‘big’ bike since December, I’ve managed a small handful of rides on my road bike and MTB. Each ride was very tough, my fitness has gone. I’m as unfit as I have ever been. The joy I used to have of riding my bike has gone. I get no enjoyment out of any physical activity.

My mum has Alzheimer’s, and this has been ongoing for some years now. Living in a different country is causing a lot of emotional difficulties. Family at home are struggling to cope. My dad, her sole carer, is struggling and refusing help. He drinks a lot. He’s an old school man, doesn’t talk, just does what he thinks is right. I’m really scared of what is coming next with all that.

My job has changed hugely during the pandemic, as it has for millions. I’ve lost all motivation and drive. I can’t change my career, I only have GSCE’s, and that gets you nowhere these days.

My own health is getting worse. Apart from my anxiety and depression, my diet is awful. I’ve gone through periods of drinking 3-4 days on the run, although maybe only 2-3 drinks at a time, but enough to snowball my anxiety the days after causing serious sleep problems. I’ve become quite angry, an emotion I’ve never really experienced before. I’ve always thought of myself as very laid back and not easily annoyed. I find myself being very clumsy, I knock things over a lot these days, bump into things etc. I get confused very easily too, forgetting what is going on in front of me, and sometimes it’s been very embarrassing.

My partner got a puppy back in April, something I wasn’t 100% behind but went along with it. It’s mostly hugely stressful, worrying about doing the right thing for him. However, he has helped on rare occasions to ease my anxiety but for very short spells.

I’ve never worried about my age, but I’m 39 in October and it’s making me feel about all the things that I’ve let pass me by because I haven’t applied myself and lost out. All these grand ideas in my head of things I wanted to do, and never even got them out of my mind and into action. Apart from getting my motorbike license last year, I feel I’ve achieved nothing in my life in the last 6-7 years. Nothing gives me pleasure in the long term anymore. I talk myself out of doing things for myself 99% of the time.

I’m back to going from day to day, with most of my effort put towards coming across to others as perfectly normal, saving face, trying to protect myself. My work colleagues are none the wiser. My girlfriend much the same, trying to keep it to myself as much as possible. Sometimes it spills over. Probably why every now and then I come online and get things off my chest to a bunch of strangers. Nobody here knows me, so no danger of feeling threatened.

I don’t trust my GP. I say ‘my’ GP, I don’t really have one. I haven’t been in about 3-4 years. Too many times I’ve been fobbed off. I don’t trust anyone.

I don’t really know what to do. The kind of, roller coaster of going from day to day, I think will have to stop at some point because it’s wearing me down quite a bit.

’ve gone through periods of drinking 3-4 days on the run, although maybe only 2-3 drinks at a time

That feedback system for self-preservation is still intact. Enjoy walks with the puppy. Try and look forwards not back. Ageing parents will always be a worry. I never had that problem to worry about, but tell them you care. And you will be able to visit them now.

I haven’t got my licence yet – passed the theory test (on second taking). So you are one up on myself already! Put it to use. Plan a road trip…

I don’t trust my GP.

This, you can readily change.

I swear thats a mirror to my own life currently. Mum near 80, forgetting things, an end in sight. Not the mad nut i used to be doing everything at a million miles a minute. Diet ,well not too good, smoking like a chimney.
I did after a good 20 years give up the weed though(marijuana) which became a crutch. Late diagnosis autism- complete blow to personality and how i view the world and my relations with other people.
.
.
My advice – Stop drinking.
Its a depressive and its as you say compounding matters, only a little now by that builds and builds and before long it will be all consuming. So make the effort, and it is an effort and an effort every single day from now on.
But it is by far the biggest change you can make and it will also help your diet. 10p packets of crisps and haribo arent really nutritious, but the drink is making you think theyre not a problem when in fact its an accumulative one. Again it has an effect and the longer it goes on, the harder it is to find a solution, so stop drinking and start eating. Have a family member help with getting set meals to you if theres one to help of ask the doc, and again im in the same boat exactly. My GP, id had for 25 years, and who convinced and arranged an autism test, then upped and left so i had no Dr to talk with, but the others in the same surgery do know your medical history, and while theres no real relationship, they can offer you the best of advice and arrange whatever you need arranged.

Get out on the bike. Sod fitness, just pottering is fine. Again its an accumulative action, tried and tested to make physical and mental changes to yourself that you will be unaware of and work subconsciously, but changes they do make, you just need to initiate them and to keep plugging on. Forget 30-50 miles. 5,10 or to the shops and back, a bit further afield, to the park, make it a day and bring sarnies and a flask of soup(the veg is actually good for you, hard to believe i know, but it’s the truth)
Start small. Dont try to plan the future just go with it a bit at a time and it will build.
Join a bike forum….er no, best not, chock full of nutters mostly.

So get out. force yourself,and you will have to, and do it tomorrow morning, set that alarm, make sure theres some rolls and bacon in and just go for a ride. Dont visit old friends, do it for yourself. but get out, get some fresh air, no more booze but ‘just do it'(hey, that makes a good catchphrase, i wonder if anyone else has thought of that 😀 )
It is hard, it will be hard because we’re all born lazy as fk. That that 1% and act upon it, if only for a day, you’ve nowt else on, theres no claim on your time and daytime TV is soul destroying.
I dont know you, but like all humans you can achieve incredible things given the motivation, and you’ve a history of achievements.

I think the most important thing is being conscious of the fact that acknowledging there are issues.

I would look to change GPs to one you like and going and tell them exactly what you have said above, it sounds like classic depression and it is something they see every day, don’t hold back and tell them exactly how you feel.

Next best thing is some structure, stop the drink, it is an easy crutch, and say you are going to ride your bike on set days, stick to that along with other exercise, getting outside and just going for a walk can make a big difference, even better when you can walk the dog.

Try to address you diet too, so lots of little steps that will add up to a big change

I talk myself out of doing things for myself 99% of the time.

Is this apathy or guilt?

I was crippled by this for a long time. My then-partner was, well, I was essentially her carer, my mum was seriously ill, and there was a whole bunch of other crap going down. I wasn’t in a great place. My whole life was “look after other people’s problems at work, look after other people’s problems at home, sleep, repeat.” I felt SO guilty about doing anything ‘selfish’ like going to the pub with mates one evening. What if she burns herself on the oven whilst I’m out? It was her who imparted a pearl of wisdom which in some small way changed my life, and I shall give this to you now.

If you fall over, you’re of no use to anyone else.

There’s a reason that aeroplane safety briefings tell you put on your own oxygen mask before dealing with your kid’s. In worrying more about them than you, you’ve condemned both of you. Take a step back, sort your own shit out, then worry about your parents and your partner and the hound and whatever else once you’ve got some electrons back in the batteries. It’s hard to accept I know, but they will all carry on doing what they’re already doing with or without you in the interim.

Be selfish. **** the world until you’re strong enough to deal with it again. Ride your bike, climb a mountain, go for a shit with the bathroom door open, whatever you need that liberates your brain. Simply make a commitment to go for a walk round the block and get some fresh air every day even, it’ll give you some order and control back.

Is this apathy or guilt?

I think it is a mixture of both.

But it’s much more complex than that. Stems from basically not feeling good enough, that I don’t deserve to go and do something I enjoy. I know I used to ride my bike for the shear enjoyment and fun, but I don’t feel that anymore. It’s now based around trying not to be slow and look like an idiot in front of others (if I ride in a group), or to disappoint myself. So more often than not, I decide not to go out.

OP a huge amount of the issues and challenges you describe are to do with the spiral of anxiety which i’m sure you know already and i can readily relate too

when i’m struggling i end up drinking more, eating worse food and doing less exercise, all of which very quickly exacerbate to the issues of constant tiredness, complete lack of motivation, feeling crap and increasing anxiety and ultimately feelings of depression, and thus the spiral takes another turn and the issues feed themselves

however trying to break that spiral or cycle of behaviour can and is incredibly difficult. try rationalising to yourself before your about to engage in any of those behaviours. for me it things like – ‘i can’t be arsed to go for a ride all i want to do is lie on the sofa’ – the rationalisation for forcing myself off the sofa and not sacking of another ride is ‘i’m fed up of feeling like this and the ride will very likely help, if not immediately, later down the line’. or if i’m about to head to the shop to pick up more beers after another stressful day at work it’s thinking that i’ll likely be more tired and stressed and ultimately anxious the next day if i have more beers tonight.

speak to your partner as well. they may not understand, but it definitely helps to share what your thinking if nothing else

if nothing else speaking to your partner and making some proactive choices to do the difficult things (go for a ride, eat better, not have another beer – all of which are difficult when your stuck in an anxious spiral) will make you feel like you’re taking some steps to exert control and not just be at the beck & call of your anxiety and depression

It’s now based around trying not to be slow and look like an idiot in front of others (if I ride in a group),

Come ride with me. You’ll look like a pro.

I’m probably not able to offer useful advice as I’m in a not too dissimilar situation, but keep talking and asking on here, lots of us are understand what you are going through and can offer useful tips.

Ironically, being more selective about what i look at on social media helps me deal with my anxieties better.

Some good info here, link to self refer – https://patient.info/treatment-medication/self-referral/refer-yourself-for-nhs-talking-therapy-counselling

Really helped me a few years back.

I think there is such a thing as cycle of exhaustion… Personally I have gone through phases of anxiety, so I dont sleep so well, so I drink lots of caffeine all day to wake up, then get to the evening and feel I need to wind down, so drink beer and then sleep badly again etc. I think the pandemic is having more of an effect on a lot of people than they are fully conscious of, maybe its not affecting a lot of people directly, but its just the removal of a lot of small positives in life which has a cumulative effect.

As others have said, when I get into this sort of cycle its about getting back to basics – eat well, make sure you go to bed on time and get a good nights sleep, put all internet / news access away in the evening, read a book instead of doom-scrolling. When you can get out and exercise enjoy the moment rather than thinking its part of something bigger.

Yea, exhaustion. I slept over lunch today as I feel that wrecked. Will have an early night tonight.

Social media certainly does not help. I don’t even follow the pro stuff any longer. Strava is filled with people I know doing epic rides, big climbs, big miles.

I also get frustrated not knowing where to ride locally. Places like Hayfield, stuff on the west side of the Peak that I live 12-15 miles from. After 7 years here I can’t even manage a ride around Marple without getting lost.

You need some help with this OP. Fighting anxiety and depression alone is hard work. You end up in an echo chamber with your thoughts. It’s hard to break the cycle

Try the NHS talking therapies as it’s free but if the waiting list is long and you can afford it go private. You then get to choose who you see… Getting on with the person is very important to you making progress so “shop around” if you need to. The NHS route doesn’t let you do this and you only get a few sessions anyway.

I’ve had 3/4 talking therapies over the years, none helped really. I’ve picked up one or two processes from CBT too, but largely ineffective.

I’m very aware of the waiting times at the moment, I know somebody who has been waiting months.

Ill just echo what the others have said – you need professional help here. If your leg ws broken you would not hesitate so if your heads broken why do you hesitate? I am off to a head doctor myself shortly.

Another one saying it’s time to seek professional help.

I don’t trust my GP. I say ‘my’ GP, I don’t really have one. I haven’t been in about 3-4 years. Too many times I’ve been fobbed off. I don’t trust anyone.

It’s easy to request to see a different GP in your practice to the one you saw previously. You should take this step then make an appointment so you can ‘have the conversation’ about what’s going on. Just say or show them what you’ve written here, that will be fine. When I went in to see my GP the first time I went in with a pre-written piece of paper so that I didn’t miss anything important, he just asked to see it and then asked my why I hadn’t been in to see them sooner!

I don’t really know what to do. The kind of, roller coaster of going from day to day, I think will have to stop at some point because it’s wearing me down quite a bit.

It’s a horrid feeling, one I’ve experienced far too often (and am battling with right now actually). The current world events mean that, more now than ever, you’re not alone in having them. Far too many people will just presume that it’s ‘normal’ right now but it most definitely isn’t.

Again, go seek professional help via your GP. They are the gateway to help and coming out the other side.

+1 on going to see the GP. I also went with a list of all the things I was struggling with, and she was fantastic, didn’t push me to going down the meds route, though I did eventually, but helped sort out the right support as well. GP may also be able to advise you on support for your mum as well.

You might find the Citalopram thread from a couple of days ago interesting.

Citalopram – long term users assemble

Yea, been on Citalopram before, amongst quite a few others.

Today has been a very long day, I feel like I’ve completely had the wind taken out of me. Of course, I wanted to do an hour on the turbo tonight…..

I can’t ride right now [stupid crash] but would love to head over and show you some loops. Used to live in Mill Brow, and then New Mills, years ago. Would love to see how things have, or haven’t, changed. I can’t help with the bigger things, but can help you get a bit of a mental trail map of that area. Well, I can once I’m riding again.

Thanks for the advice.

I haven’t been on medication for quite a few years, maybe 8/9 years. I only ever seemed to get unwanted side effects from them.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this. I’ve just come out (hopefully) of a nasty bout of depression through lockdown but it’s been a real hard slog getting here.

Worthh trying medication again IMO. I had bad results with Fluoxetine years ago but get on fine with Sertraline. Getting the right dose is critical also. If you can get that sorted things like CBT will be much more effective.

Definitely try and find a GP you like, it makes such a difference.

I’m a bit miffed at how I can find a GP that will be good for me. I can’t go around them interviewing them all. It stresses me out massively when I contact them. You’re just a number too them. They are likely overrun at the moment.

Very close to taking a few days off work this morning.

Very close to taking a few days off work this morning.

Do it, but contact a GP to start getting things addressed. Please.

I understand that your past experience is shading your view on what might happen, but the whole approach and response to mental is do much better now than it was even 3-4 years ago.

’m a bit miffed at how I can find a GP that will be good for me

You said you’ve got a GP? contact them, they’ll have your history and will at the very least be able to give you a FIT note, If you start looking for a new one you’ll have to start from scratch again.

Yes I have a GP. They should have my history, even if my last visit was a few years ago. That was about my back injury. I did also talk to them about my anxiety during that visit and that was when they told me not to worry and to think about looking after my back.

I also need to then address my employer. Previous boss was very understanding, my current one not so much.

Ask to speak with the on-call GP and make an appt to talk about your anxiety, nothing else, just that. Even if you think there are other issues going on. Tell them you need some time and help, and the stress of work isn’t helping you, and ask for a FIT note that starts as soon as possible.