My Geordie friend just bought a stove for his canoe.
He wants to have his kayak and heat it.

Went to the safari park the other day and all it had in it was a little dog.

It was a shitsu.

A man grabs a parrot and a gun, jumps off a cliff and shoots the bird on the way down. He hits the ground hard, dusts himself off and says “I don’t like this parrot shooting activity”.

He should have tried Budgie Jumping instead.

A man at my local pub offered me a couple of pieces of venison for £20.
Is that two deer?

I can imagine the drive was distracted by listening to Tina Tuna – Shrimply the best

A bloke walks into the pub with a Giraffe and orders two pints.

One for him , one for the Giraffe.

The giraffe necks it pint ( See what I did there?) and then promptly falls down on the floor, stone cold dead.

The bloke doesn’t bat an eyelid, calmly finishes his drink, steps over the Giraffe and makes for the door.

The barman shouts at him ….

” Here mate! You can’t leave that lyin’ there!”

The bloke responds….

” That’s not a lion, that’s a giraffe”

matt_outandabout- it took me a while but 😆

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the Juggler.

In a remote, desolate wild west cowboy town, the dust and tumbleweed are blowing down the empty main street, all is quiet apart from the creaking door on the saloon bar, inside a piano is playing, glasses clinking, cards slapping down, a pleasant background murmur, suddenly the door bangs open, and to total silence and stares in limps a large 3 legged dog

“I’ve come for my paw”

A Glaswegian walks into the bakers and asks “Is that a cake or a meringue?”

“No, you are right” comes the reply.

The man then looks at two identical cakes and asks….

“Why is that one £4 when the other one is only £2?”

The baker replies…” That’s Madeira cake.”

In a remote, desolate wild west cowboy town,

Meanwhile, back at the ranch: Tonto, disguised as a bottle, got drunk.

I stabbed the salad 23 times last night. It was a Caesar salad.

A publican lost his old dog who’d been his best friend for years – run over outside the pub.
He takes to drinking heavily and late one night, well afetr closing, he’s sititing in the bar when the ghost of his dog appears before him.

The dog tells him that StBernard, guardian of the pearly kennel has seen his masters distress and agreed that the dog can return to earth to be with him. All the guy has to do is reattach the tail, which was severed in the incident.

The publican breaks down in floods of tears and, when eventually he can speak, he croaks … “I’m so sorry, I can’t re-tail spirits at this time of night”

I was at the dentist today. He told me I have a Boston cavity.

I asked how much it would be to sort it.

“More than a filling” he said.

I was unfaithful to my wife on a bed suspended from the ceiling by a system of pulleys. It was a real Heath Robinson affair.

Two blokes are looking in a shop window at bikes.
One of them points to a bike and says “that’s the one I’d get”
A passing cyclops beats him up.

This is like egging on the naughty kids at school, then stepping back and watching the mayhem unfold…

😀

DrP

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

Two men walk into a bar. You’d have thought one of them might have ducked.

A typeface walks into a bar. The barman shouts ‘get out of here! we don’t serve your type!’

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of tarmac under his arm. He orders, I’ll have one beer and one for the road.

Must… stop…

I was walking down the cheese and milk aisle of my local supermarket and a man hit me over the head with a lump of gorgonzola and then a bottle of milk.

How dairy.

Me – “Doctor, I can’t pronounce my f’s and th’s”
Doctor – “You can’t say fairer than that”

Two goldfish in a tank….one says to the other ” How do you drive this then?”..

BoardinBob wins.

We were strugging to come with a name for our new baby girl

Somebody suggested Monica

But I said that’s a distinction without difference.

A strip of tarmac goes into the pub and orders a pint. After serving him, the barman asks if he wants to join his mate in the corner. Sitting in the corner is a strip of red tarmac. The strip of tarmac shakes his head violently: “I’m not going near him” it says, “he’s a cyclepath!”

For those north of the wall only….

There are ten cows in a field.

Which one is the Arab?….Kuwait.

Whish one deserves praise for being Spanish?……Kudos.

Which one is on holiday? ….The wan wi’ the wee calf.

Two birds on a perch, one says to the other “can you smell fish?”

A psychic dwarf just escaped from prison. Police are looking for a small medium at large.

I just bought some Armageddon cheese. It says ‘best before end’ on packet.

There has been an explosion in a cheese factory. All that is left is debris.

What cheese can you hide a horse behind? Marscapone.

What cheese does not belong to you? Nacho cheese.

😆

Did you hear about the cheesemonger who painted his wife?

He double Gloucester.

“Is that a cake or a meringue?”

Did you see the coconut horse?

Polar bear walks in to a bar and says,
“A pint of…………………………………………..lager, please.”

Barman says, “Of course, but do you mind if I ask, why the big pause? “

Polar bear replies, “Because I’m a bloody polar bear, you idiot!”

What did the cheese say when it looked in the mirror….?

Halloumi.

What cheese for enticing huge, hairy omnivorous mammals out of their caves?

Camembert.

What do you call someone who used to like tractors but doesn’t anymore?

An extractor fan.

What cheese should you serve to a Yorkshireman keen on hydroelectricity?

Edam.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto arrive at a town.
“I’m going into this saloon for a drink” says the Ranger.
“I don’t fancy one, I’m going for a jog” says Tonto.
10 minutes later a bloke walks into the saloon and says “are you the Lone Ranger? You’ve left your injun running outside”.

How many Latvian is take screw in light bulb? A : 25. One screw in, 24 ride bicycle generator for 1-hour shift. But time probably better spend search food.

Why did the monkey get lost? Because jungle is massive.