…but don’t how to fix it.

For some time now I’ve had a more than niggling doubt about pretty much everything. I’m not happy at work (this is the one thing for which I have a solution), home life feels mediocre, food and time and lazy enjoyment feels restricted by the needs of my bike training and associated time and dietary needs, and I’m struggling to accept car/bathroom/shed bangernomics. Other than the kids achievements, nothing feels “right”.

I stumbled across some advice about solitude – the fact we rarely spend any time not being influenced mentally by other people either directly or via social media, and took to taking some time out of my day alone with phones etc put away. During a period of just sitting through my daughters swimming lesson, it came to me accidentally what I really want – to live a holiday lifestyle sipping beer and wine near a warm beach whilst relaxing.

So, as per the majority of people this isn’t at all practical and won’t happen and that led me to the real issue – I don’t know how to cope / accept / be happy and enthusiastically approach with the prospect of getting through the next 10 years of work and seeing the kids to Uni. Notwithstanding, I’m incredibly grateful and acutely aware that this is really my only problem in life which does not compare to many other peoples daily struggles. I also know that if I keep it niggling at me like this, then next 10 years or so could be a self driven miserable prophecy.

At 49.5, this is clearly a mid life crisis then! We aren’t going to rip up the foundations of what we have, and Mrs K isn’t aligned, she’s happy to trip along, get the bathroom sorted next year and sort her car out when it finally goes pop and carry on living as we are.

Any peoples experience on getting through this mental mid life trauma would be great to read!

Have an affair?

49.5 = midlife?

I mean it’s good to aim high but really? 😁

I do feel you though, I’m just existing every day so I can retire and live a life of solitude… At 36.6

Have you considered counselling?

Oh, and fwiw, the holiday lifestyle you think you’re aspiring too sounds unbelievably dull and unfulfilling. What you may actually want is a holiday / break / to take up meditation rather than a lifestyle change that you can’t actually realistically have.

I learned to skydive. I find that freefall gives me the sort of focus that is totally absent in most of my day and, for 60-ish seconds, drowns out the noise in my head.

Go try a tandem, see if that works.

Twodogs

Have an affair?

He jokes, but it doesn’t half have the potential to change your life!

I’m not sure that Kryters will find riding with TJ all that relaxing.

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

To quote the Sphinx

When you doubt your powers, you give power to your doubts.

I take the point about sitting without external influences but it just sounds like general ennui rather than any major life revelation tbh.

+1 to holiday lifestyle getting boring fairly quick. By the end of a week eating out or in a hotel and really enjoying it I’m looking forward to cooking and eating homemade stuff again.

food and time and lazy enjoyment feels restricted by the needs of my bike training and associated time and dietary needs

Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it’s actually worth it.

Sounds like textbook ennui to me. I too am 49.6 & contemplating another ten years of same old whilst number 3 grows up (he’s nearly 6).

My ideal life would be near both beach and mountains, with a river for wild swimming and a golf course nearby. No chance of getting bored for me (as per above), but horses for courses I guess.

Notwithstanding any comments re first world problems (which in fairness you’ve already alluded to) I’d suggest learning something new. This could be a language, it could be a skill like carpentry, it could be skydiving, it could be how to manual. Point is it gives you something to focus on and critically gives you a sense of achievement. My mum at 82 decided to learn Latin and pre covid was attending two sessions a week and has continued virtually. No use to her whatsoever from a purely practical perspective, but she loves it!

Can relate to this as well. Generally there’s nothing wrong with my life and I’m so grateful for all my friends and family, a relatively comfortable job and fit enough to have a lot of fun at the weekend.
But recently everything’s just been feeling a bit “meh” and “what next?”

I’m not quite ready to make the move yet (from both a financial and skills/experience perspective) but I think my solution is to try and get a more rewarding job, either in charity or some sort of teaching/tutoring role.

I’m not sure where I’ll end up but just somewhere that’s a bit more “giving back” than the current office job for a megacorp that I’m in just now

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

Quite, lets not focus on the holiday as that probably just an immediate desire. Its the “getting through the next 10 years with some enthusiasm” bit which I want conquer, and wondering if this is a temporary mental glitch that others have experienced and have advice on coping with. I’m already meditating fwiw. It feels like I’m lucky enough that it should be an easy ladder to climb, yet my brain is in reverse gear at the thought.

food and time and lazy enjoyment feels restricted by the needs of my bike training and associated time and dietary needs

Sack it off then? Or at least re evaluate if it’s actually worth it.

This has been suggested more than once. It’s something that I don’t understand but I guess it’s something Kryton values highly enough to put up with its demands. Maybe, at 50, it’s time to re-evaluate though.

Can you di something else for work?

. I too am 49.6 & contemplating another ten years of same old whilst number 3 grows up (he’s nearly 6).

Are you not excited to do stuff with him? Seems sad to me that you’re just viewing it as a period to get through.

I guess it’s something Kryton values highly enough to put up with its demands

In many respects. I love the challenge of pushing to my limits and cannot bear the thought of not having a reason to exercise and push myself regardless of my level. Even if I stopped racing I’d likely continue with some kind of training. Right now though I’m about to enter ’22 grand vets having reached a decent level of performance, so it seems a shame to throw the last 2-3 years work in the bin.

Yet, I’d love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.

Do you have an off season?

Explore more flow experiences. With solitude life’s little demons can easily catch up with you. Doing stuff rather than owning stuff is where it’s at.

Do you have an off season?

Yes October, so nutritional freedom is just around the corner. Its not just the biking though, its looking forward with a feeling of… well not dread exactly but more like a foreboding sense of disappointment for some bizarre reason I can’t explain.

Doing stuff rather than owning stuff is where it’s at.

Indeed, I went though an anti materialistic journey that together with the savings and investments insights on here has been a real achievement toward our financial future. However, the Pandemic put paid to doing a lot of things recently and perhaps like everyone else thats been an influence on my experience of freedoms.

A bit harsh, but get over yourself? We all have to cope with life’s drudgery – it’s called life!

If that really is your only problem, then just accept that for the things you want (house, car, paying for Uni etc) you have to stick it out.

Or, accept that if you want to be happier, give up some of your aspirations (house, car, paying for Uni etc) and change to a job that gives you more time for yourself.

Yet, I’d love to have a few beers and scoff a kebab at a whim without restriction at times.

Having a few beers and a kebab isn’t going to make a dent in 2-3 years of training. The mental aspect of constantly depriving yourself of something you want will probably have a bigger negatiuve impact on it.
At the end of the day, you’re not a pro, you’re a 50+ bloke who’s racing for fun. IMO you need to stop trying to train like you’re Nino Schurter and just train and enjoy life.

looking forward with a feeling of… well not dread exactly but more like a foreboding sense of disappointment for some bizarre reason I can’t explain.

That sounds like the beginnings of mild depression/anxiety.

Easier said than done but try and stop over analysing everything imo!

To quote Jason Mendoza:

Molotov cocktails work. Anytime I had a problem and I threw a Molotov cocktail, boom! Right away, I had a different problem.

That reminds me of the Mark Manson definition which goes something like “… everyone always has problems and you need to accept you will never not have problems or you will never be happy. The trick is to try to make your way through life having better problems than before.”

I think there is a realisation that you never really ‘arrive’ in life, it’s just a series of slowly changing elements, some bits are good and some bits are challenging.

I fell down a mental black hole in my early 30’s. Frightened and dismayed that I’d got that far and hadn’t really done much of note. Life was all a bit of an unhealthy blur. Eventually, I came back to cycling and made more and more of an effort for it to be a regular feature of my life.

I’m now 48 and smashing around on my Stooge is a huge ingredient in my mental health. Sure, exercise and fresh air are all great but it’s time away from all the nagging doubt and frustrations, and work etc… Thinking about that crap on the trail and you’ll hit that tree or big rock…

It sounds easy to say but actually just trying to relax a bit is really important. The world is a hard place, I lost two close friends this summer (one in a car accident, the other murdered) and it’s hard to find any kind of positives. Then im out in the wilds on a bike or foot and I spot a deer or find some wild new fungi or a sweet new singletrack and somehow I feel better.

And to totally blow my hippy vibe – I think it’s in Hindu, a theory about 9 permanent emotions – 4 white (positive) and 4 black (negative), and between both is tranquillity. There is a point between happy and sad where you are totally ‘still’ and clutter free. Granted, it perhaps sounds like nonsense but it works for me…

It’s the nearest I’ve found to a brain restart!

I appreciate that we cannot go back to the kind of work travelling we used to do, and I would resist it – but by eck I do miss it. Spending a day in aimless limbo with nothing to do apart from be in a certain place at a certain time – then solving some customer problem then retire to a quiet hotel room to watch tv or surf or do something on my own, with a run or a bike ride. I loved that. I’ve been at home with my family constantly which has big benefits but I do just need some time on my own, somewhere else. I couldn’t wait for them to go back to school at least.

I can relate. I have just given up a very well paid job and am currently unemployed, back at Uni studying and figuring out what I want to do next, how little money I actually need to live on, versus how many hours I am prepared to waste on earning it. I am lucky to be in the position I am, and genuinely have never been happier (or poorer)!

And I am a bit older than you!

It sounds easy to say but actually just trying to relax a bit is really important.

Yeah I find myself reaching for my phone instead of actually having downtime, this is a very bad thing to do constantly*.

* he posted, on social media…

How ‘into’ social media are you?

I have really moved away from Facebook (although I still use it) and have never bothered with any other social media platform like Instagram or twitter.
I found I was constantly looking at other people’s portrayal of a supposedly perfect lifestyle & even though I knew in most cases it was a façade it would still bother me….

They’ve just been on holiday, how can they be going again? Wow, that’s a very impressive extension they’ve just paid for. Oh blimey, so and so is really talented I wish I could do that…..

We’ve even had days out with people where they have done nothing but moan & had screaming kids the whole day, but have then managed to post a gleaming social media update with the one ‘happy family’ selfie of the day, coupled with other ‘lifestyle pics’ from the day that paints a completely false impression of the shitshow of a day they just had.

Maybe you don’t use social media but if you do, perhaps consider moving away from it?
I don’t know if it’s correct, but I get the impression that a lot of your woes stem from comparing your life with how others are perhaps doing and always wanting ‘better’?

How much time does your racing & training take up? I currently spend anywhere from 2-6hrs a week on cycling, am never going to be at the sharp end of a race (quite the opposite) and still find that it really eats into family time & ‘getting stuff done’ time.
If you add up the amount of training & racing that you do, how much time is it? And proportionally, does it give you enough reward to make it worthwhile?
I find cycling is one of the worst sports in terms of fitness gained for time taken. Could you switch your desire to push yourself & compete to running, for example and keep cycling as a leisure activity – something to enjoy, rather than endure?
When was the last time you went for a ride & just cruised along? Stopped to look at the view? Took a deep breath of fresh air & just enjoyed that moment?

From your post you seem to be taking your current life situation as a necessary evil to get to an end goal – “the prospect of getting through the next 10 years of work and seeing the kids to Uni”
But those 10 years are your life and shouldn’t be viewed something to be endured to get somewhere else. Those 10 years are time you could be enjoying life, creating memories with your kids & Wife that you will remember long after the joy of finishing top-ten in a bunch of sweaty men on bikes has faded. You can’t get those 10 years back and I can’t help but feel once this current phase of ‘we just need to get there’ has been reached, there will be another one.

There is a lot to be said for purpose, so many of the things we fill our lives with are short(or longer) term distractions. Some find purpose and peace, others don’t.

If meditation isn’t helping you be ok with the feelings you have of not being ok/wanting more/better then it sounds like it’s not really working 🙂

@Kryton57 why not take a weekend to do a bikepacking trip instead of a race?

. I love the challenge of pushing to my limits

Not being an arse but maybe you’ve actually reached your limits, not the physical limit but the mental. Your training and race prep seems to have a negative effect on your life from your various posts over the years. If you can’t train and race at a certain level without it ballsing up other bits of your life maybe a ceiling has been reached and this needs to be accepted and embraced.
If you can’t sit on a beach sipping a beer relaxing why not just make some space to sit at home relaxing with those you love rather than spinning your tits off on a turbo trainer.

Good luck

Just spent a few days under stars/canvas on a picturesque campsite in the hills, I did absolutely nothing except for eating, drinking (two pubs a short walk away) and reading, limited phone signal, great weather. Perfect. Nothing like just spending time away on your own to help mentally

I think you need a 21st century version of John Macnab

The great doctor stood on the hearth-rug looking down at his friend who sprawled before him in an easy-chair. It was a hot day in early July, and the windows were closed and the blinds half-down to keep out the glare and the dust. The standing figure had bent shoulders, a massive clean-shaven face, and a keen interrogatory air, and might have passed his sixtieth birthday. He looked like a distinguished lawyer, who would soon leave his practice for the Bench.
But it was the man in the chair who was the lawyer, a man who had left forty behind him, but was still on the pleasant side of fifty.

“I tell you for the tenth time that there’s nothing the matter with you.”

“And I tell you for the tenth time that I’m miserably ill.”

The doctor shrugged his shoulders. “Then it’s a mind diseased, to which I don’t propose to minister. What do you say is wrong?”

“Simply what my housekeeper calls a ‘no-how’ feeling.”

“It’s clearly nothing physical. Your heart and lungs are sound. Your digestion’s as good as anybody’s can be in London in Midsummer. Your nerves–well, I’ve tried all the stock tests, and they appear to be normal.”

“Oh, my nerves are all right,” said the other wearily.

“Your brain seems good enough, except for this dismal obsession that you are ill. I can find no earthly thing wrong, except that you’re stale. I don’t say run-down, for that you’re not. You’re stale in mind. You want a holiday.”

“I don’t. I may need one, but I don’t want it. That’s precisely the trouble. I used to be a glutton for holidays, and spent my leisure moments during term planning what I was going to do. Now there seems to be nothing in the world I want to do–neither work nor play.”

And to totally blow my hippy vibe – I think it’s in Hindu, a theory about 9 permanent emotions – 4 white (positive) and 4 black (negative), and between both is tranquillity.

Sounds a bit like the zen of Partridge

I’ve always thought that a holiday feels like that precisely because it’s a holiday, if that was your lifestyle then it would be something completely different and just not the same at all.

I struggle to agree with this entirely (although I can understand the sentiment). However, one of the most enjoyable periods of my life (albeit before getting married, having children etc so I had no responsibilities to concern me) was when I was unemployed for several months in my early 20s. I would go walking around town, sit on a bench and contemplate, go fishing. Everything felt nice and calm and I remember it fondly some 30+ years later. I can honestly say that *if I didn’t need to work to provide for my family* I could happily have a life of pottering around, filling my days with things I enjoy, relearn my artistic side, perhaps do some volunteering.

Thats a heavy rock you’re carrying Mr Kryton, it weighs nothing if you put it down.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths 🙏

Gosh, there’s a lot to potentially unpick from the last few posts.

@Kilo, I appreciate you being candid, and you may be right. On that premise and while you were posting I organise a ride with a friend of mine whose’s recovering from cancer. I’ve no idea yet what “training” I’m supposed to be doing on that day, but it felt more appropriate to offer my time to him.

On the subject of a goal or purpose – a good point. I remember throughs the anti-material / investment adjustment I went through I had a goal to make & save enough money to clear the mortgage by the time the fix ends (to avoid early repayment fees) and have achieved that. I remember feeling particularly driven then satisfied about that – I need to set a new goal.

Stumpy, I avoid social media with the exception of some racing event posts on FB – I found and used a grouping method so I can quickly see the “groups” I’m interested in (Gorrick, Exposure 24/12, MSG) without trawling through the other FB posts. I’m not comparing with others here.

I need o think about the rest…