How would you handle this

Basically I don’t know who my father is/was.

I know my birth mother, but she married a man who went on to officially adopt me so I accepted him as my father and left it at that.
He died when I was fifteen and after some time I got to thinking about my ‘real’ father.
Now I’m 51 and just can’t bring the subject up.
My original birth certificate only states my mums name. It also shows that I was born outside of London where she lived, in an unmarried mothers hospital. I also know it was very common for these babies to be adopted or sent overseas.

The only hint of who he might be came from my aunt (she was very drunk at the time) I say aunt, she is the sister of my adoptive father.
She said my mum was to marry an American airman, but sadly he was killed. My mum lived quite near to an American base in Northolt so it’s not totally wild.
However amongst my mums old photos I found a letter thanking her for the photos, but I can’t recall the date but I did wonder at the time if this was from him.

How the heck do you bring something like this up without upsetting my mother?
Also have I any other places where I could find any details

In a very similar situation over here oldgit.

How the heck do you bring something like this up without upsetting my mother

you can’t, its an upsetting subject. You need to decide whether you really want to know, and if you do you need to ask her gently but directly because it really matters to you.

Onc you have a name things get easier in terms of the search narrowing but potentially more upsetting for you and your mum.

tread lightly (but good luck if you try)

It’s that sense of time running out I think.

Are you sure she’ll be upset ?

She may just possibly think it’s sad that you’ve never asked

If your dad has been dead for 35 years, I don’t think it’s unfair to talk to your mum about your father (who’s been dead for longer than that)

Then do it.

If he was an airman then you should be able to get some decent leads from the USAF and work from that point on. Be prepared for your mum not wanting to talk about it, its bloody hard for older people to reverse a decision or stance they have held for a long time.

This may sound a bit silly….but, I’d ask on mumsnet. Better to hear advice from the other side of the fence. good luck.

I think we are too scared to bring stuff like this up. I fit is upsetting then that is likely to help you both accept stuff and move on.

On the flip side she may be thinking about how to approach the subject with you? She may want you to know but not know how to bring it up/may be waiting for you to ask and may get a sense of relief when you do?

Just thoughts.

How the heck do you bring something like this up without upsetting my mother

similar [but different] circumstances for me

I’d ask her if she minded chatting about when you were a baby and then try to very slowly bring the subject around.
It took me 5 or 6 such conversations before I felt I had the right moment

My mum was just like you, ie raised as own child by stepdad. She only found out he wasn’t her dad when she was 18 in a row with a cousin, her mum dad and elder brothers (well, stepbrothers) had all felt it was better she never knew. 😕

Even at age 78, and 59 years after boyfriend knocked her up and left town overnight, her mum still won’t speak about it to anyone, literally clams up, changes the subject or leaves if anyone tries to raise it. Mum found lots out from her uncles and stepbothers, but never managed to track him down. Not sure what she would do if she ever did.

I think anyone with half a scooby would agree that in these cases, the rights of the child to know the parent greatly outweight any chance of upsetting a parent.

I’m also worried that the circumstances of baby oldgit coming into this world might not be too happy.
Thanks though, and mumsnet isn’t a bad idea it might be a good sounding board.

I was also adopted by my step-father after my father comitted suicide when I was very very young..

Obviously we didn’t speak about him much at home due to the nature of his death.. but recently following a couple of chance encounters, the subject was raised and everyone involved, including my late fathers friends and family were delighted to share memories and fill in gaps in the family histories..

For us the passing of so many years had made it all much easier to talk about..

EDIT:

Definitely ask. It’s entirely normal to want to know, and your mum will surely understand this. Maybe she’s been burning to tell you all these years but hasn’t been brave enough herself. She might well want to share it with you as someone close, or maybe she doesn’t think she wants to talk about it but really would benefit from it in the end.

Do it. Absolutely no reason not to. Asking her’s not the upsetting thing. The past events were upsetting – you just want to know about them.