How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

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  • How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?
  • patriotpro
    Member

    Grum – At the end of the day only the OP and his wife know the full details of the situation but I can’t see giving the OP advice on how to become happy is anything but positive in my book, might not be the easiest way, but positive nontheless.

    Short-term pain for long-term gain is the name of the game 8)

    Edukator
    Member

    Things aren’t getting any better then since your last thread, OP. At least the advice is a little more reasonable this time, car-park kiss to paternity test in a few pages the last time.

    What will happen to the kids in the trial separation? If she goes off, fine. If you’re expected to leave, think twice.

    Markie
    Member

    You obviously want to talk to someone since you have posted on here, so you might as well talk to someone who is trained and qualified to discuss such matters.

    http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html

    A major +1. They can help you both work out where you’re at. Mail if you want more, but basically, go to Relate.

    rajboab
    Member

    I’d recommend taking the marriage guidance option. I does give you an opportunity to open up in a neutral environment to see if you want to carry on. For me it confirmed that me and the misses were over when we couldn’t admit it/communicate it to ourselves. If you agree to separate I’d recommend drawing up an agreement between yourselves that covers everything and give it to the lawyers. Saves a lot of cash. Best of luck! I’m now staring down the barrel of single life!

    bazzer
    Member

    Being married to someone is not about loving them when they are at their best its about loving them when they are at their worst. You obviously thought this person was worth it at some point or you would not have married them.

    People should realise when they get married they make certain promises which mean its not all about you anymore. So if your life feels crap for a bit, that’s what the “for better for worse” thing is about. You don’t promise to stay until something better comes along do you?

    Your a team and sometimes you have to take one for the team. Its unlikely you will live and entire lifetime married to someone and it be perfect 100% of the time. Just because its crap now does not mean it will be crap tomorrow.

    People give up too easily divorce should be the very very last resort not the first.

    I am aware this might be contentious πŸ™‚

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    I am aware this might be contentious

    It’s bollox. 😐

    grum
    Member

    It’s not bollox. Pretty rude thing to say really.

    bazzer
    Member

    cinnamon_girl, why do you think its bollox ?

    Rockape63
    Member

    It could be bollox, if the situation was beyond repair, but it is true that people give up too easily….because they can! Our Parents didn’t give up easily as there was stigma attached, as well as financial difficulties involved that have changed in recent times.

    Having gone through this situation and out the other side, I am qualified to comment. I wonder how many other contributors have?

    crikey
    Member

    My advice would be to talk together, and with people who can help.
    Don’t run off and have an affair like I did…

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    So if your life feels crap for a bit

    Exactly how do you define this? How crap does it need to be? And for how long? I don’t imagine that anyone takes divorce lightly and the decision to end my marriage of a few decades was not taken lightly.

    I am pleased that times have moved on and people don’t need to stay together. Many of us can look at our parents’ marriages and can work out whether that’s what we want or not dependent on the state of said marriage.

    People evolve, some find themselves, others don’t. Some paths diverge quickly, others long term.

    Let’s not forget that the over 50’s (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

    crikey
    Member

    Let’s not forget that the over 50’s (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

    Is it because you’re old and grumpy? πŸ˜†

    Premier Icon Pik n Mix
    Subscriber

    Let’s not forget that the over 50’s (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

    Wrinkly genitalia? Traded in for a smoother model?

    bazzer
    Member

    Let’s not forget that the over 50’s (of which I am one) has the fastest growing divorce rate. Why do you think that is?

    Personally I think its because people are far more selfish than they used to be.

    Exactly how do you define this? How crap does it need to be? And for how long? I don’t imagine that anyone takes divorce lightly and the decision to end my marriage of a few decades was not taken lightly.

    I don’t know how long, but longer than a lot of people try.

    Don’t get me wrong if your in an abusive relationship then I think the other person forfeits any rights they

    The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. If you can’t rely on that what can you rely on?

    For every one person who is happy “escaping” a marriage there is often another party battered wondering WTF just happened. So my take on it is if you don’t like the rules don’t join the club !!

    So I take it you would never get married again then cinnamon_girl?

    Junkyard
    Member

    πŸ˜€ @crikey

    Just because its crap now does not mean it will be crap better tomorrow.

    It all depends people change, they become different people , they want different things
    With my [ ex] wife she changed. She would argue i never grew up and I would argue she become unrecognisable and transformed into another person. It may be bit of both…thing is put us together today and we would not be mates never mind married. No amount of trying can make you like someone you just dont get on with

    People give up too easily divorce should be the very very last resort not the first.

    Clinging to this notion and hoping irrationally that it would get better and that you took the rough with the smooth led to the last few years being far worse and acrimonious than they needed to be and have harmed or post divorce [ got kids] relationship.

    Reality is we just dont like each other and no amount of wishing is/was going to change that

    It depends on the people tbh you cannot make sweeping statements that they dont try or it will get better. It could be either – work hard or cut your losses- STW does love black and white answers mind to every scenario

    Premier Icon BigDummy
    Subscriber

    I had a lengthy separation from MrsD, who I’ve now been back with for a few years.

    The only thing I’d chip in with is about Relate. The counsellor you see first time around may, or may not, be any good. We saw one guy for a year before I walked out. It wasn’t his fault, but he allowed my wife to run rings around him, alienated me and certainly did nothing for the relationship.

    When we were experimenting with getting back together, we saw a different guy (not through Relate) who was much, much better. He called bullsh*t on a lot of things my wife told him, and was far better at getting into her head. I strongly suspect if we had seen the right counsellor in the first place we could have made better progress.

    It’s very hard to have a sane conversation with someone about whether the horrendous marriage counselling session you just endured was horrendous because you hate one another or because the counsellor is a pillock, but it’s one to bear somewhat in mind.

    πŸ™‚

    Premier Icon BigDummy
    Subscriber

    The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. If you can’t rely on that what can you rely on?

    You are definitely going to die. And when you are dead you will definitely be dead forever.

    Does that help? πŸ™‚

    bazzer
    Member

    +1 to Junkyard and sweeping statements, I will contest that I am being quite sweeping and that its not going to be 100% for all.

    +1 to BigDummy and needing to get the right counselor, if you get the wrong one it can be damaging instead of helpful.

    <hug> to cinnamon_girl as I don’t know your circumstances and its churlish of me to think I know better than you in your own life !!!

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    Is it because you’re old and grumpy?

    Not all all crikey! I am, however, a bit of an awkward cah. πŸ˜€

    Personally I think its because people are far more selfish than they used to be.

    I disagree and feel that it’s cos times have moved on and there’s no shame in admitting that it didn’t work/wanted different things etc etc.

    The idea when you get married is that you can build a life together plan for the future etc etc. If you can’t rely on that what can you rely on?

    Many of us are guilty of naivety. Nobody knows what the future holds. As I said before, we’re continually evolving.

    So I take it you would never get married again then cinnamon_girl?

    Correct. Me and my bikes are happy as we are. Funnily enough, my friends who are a similar age have also questioned the state of their marriages and, in one case, just puts on a facade.

    Times have changed for women.

    crikey
    Member
    grum
    Member

    I disagree and feel that it’s cos times have moved on and there’s no shame in admitting that it didn’t work/wanted different things etc etc.

    I think that’s true and in many cases a good thing but I think there’s also now a bit of a ‘me, me, me’ culture of entitlement, where people think they deserve to be 100% happy all the time – and where people are constantly yearning for an imaginary perfect life.

    Not saying this applies to you or in every case, obviously.

    Premier Icon cinnamon_girl
    Subscriber

    I also believe that not everyone is cut out for cohabiting.

    hammyuk
    Member

    I agree with CG that people do change – massively in my case.
    The fact my ex stated “I’m not the young girl you fell in love with anymore” was obvious. I didn’t like who she had become.
    Her values, wants, needs, etc had changed hugely and there was never going to be a way I could meet them.
    Add a BFE that lavished her with attention – I was in a losing battle.
    We are better friends now than ever and my girls are far happier without all the crap that goes with two people that can’t be around each other.
    You have to do what is right for you – NOT anyone else.

    Mr Woppit
    Member

    How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

    When your world-famous husband blurts out to the world that he got his herpes from oral sex.

    Evidently, not with your world-famous self… πŸ˜†

    b r
    Member

    Hora it’s not ‘just’ about sex y’know?

    Spot the woman posting…

Viewing 25 posts - 41 through 65 (of 65 total)

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