How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

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  • How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?
  • ernie_lynch
    Member

    You obviously want to talk to someone since you have posted on here, so you might as well talk to someone who is trained and qualified to discuss such matters.

    http://www.relate.org.uk/relationship-counselling/index.html

    patriotpro
    Member

    Kids involved?

    If not get rid, move on, life’s too short.

    Sounds like she’s not the ‘right one’, get out while there’s minimal complications.

    I spent far too long trying to hang on to my relationship with the first Mrs Balanced and when it finally ended it did get messy.

    Premier Icon Onzadog
    Subscriber

    Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages.

    nwgiles
    Member

    I agree with PatriotPro, I’m currently divorcing.

    If there are no children involved then ditch her,
    Trial separation mean see if she can find someone better, I tried it people don’t change unless they have to.

    Love is difficult but buy a bike frame and built a bike you’ll soon forget about her

    hora
    Member

    Is she having a hard time at work/struggling with stress?

    Junkyard
    Member

    It really depends
    IME it was about 18 months after it was obvious that enough was enough but kids were involved so neither wanted to admit this
    Our relationshiop after seperation would have been better if we had split up sooner

    I guess you try to work at it and if that does not work you need to face reality

    Relate should help either way

    Best of luck to you its it tough at the moment and I assure that whatever happens the future will be happier whether you stay together or split

    I feel for you they were hard times and dark days so chin up.

    topangarider
    Member

    We get on well, but she struggles to put the arguments behind her, even the little ones. I seem to be able to get over the situation and move on, but she remembers all the -ve’s not the good times.

    She has asked for a trial seperation to have the time to work out what she wants. No-one else involved.

    Kids or no kids if the relationship is destructive you, your wife and potentially any children are better off out of it.

    patriotpro
    Member

    I think one of the major fears for people facing separation is being single whereas it’s best to see it as being free, free from the atmospheres, the arguments, the second-guessing and the chance to do more of what you want, when you want with the people of your choice without any recourse.

    mrmoofo
    Member

    Nobody else involved … hmmm
    Holding grudges suggest that it’s time to move on.

    andypaul99
    Member

    If you are asking the question, then you are at the crossroads.

    Premier Icon porter_jamie
    Subscriber

    no one else involved – sounds suspect. life is too short to spend your time unhappy – having to second guess what she is up to is no way of living.

    Rockape63
    Member

    Wise words from Patriotpro. The worst thing that could happen is you don’t face up the situation, bumble along, have a kid and then discover its all been a big mistake.

    Its never easy, but there are so many other women out there that you could have a happy relationship with, so don’t hang about get out and find her.

    Premier Icon martymac
    Subscriber

    ime:
    if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.
    get rid and move on, i was afraid of being single but met someone else a few months later and im happier now (a decade later) than i ever was with the first mrs mac.
    my daughter reports that her mother argues with the new boyfriend in much the same way she used to pick fights with me, so go figure where the problem was.

    How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

    Maybe, just maybe, it’s when you start to feel that asking a random bunch of strangers on the internet for marriage guidance is the the way to go

    DrP
    Member

    How do you know when enough is enough in a marriage?

    Maybe, just maybe, it’s when you start to feel that asking a random bunch of strangers on the internet for hugs and cuddles on the trails is the the way to go…

    DrP

    grum
    Member

    Not sure why everyone is being so negative. I’ve had rocky patches with my missus but we’ve come through them stronger than ever.

    Surely Relate has got to be worth a go. Good luck.

    patriotpro
    Member

    ot sure why everyone is being so negative.

    Not everyone is, in fact most, if not all of the above is very positive imo.

    Premier Icon Onzadog
    Subscriber

    Relate is a good idea but only works if you’re both willing. The way the op is worded, I get the impression she isn’t.

    grum
    Member

    if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.

    If there are no children involved then ditch her,
    Trial separation mean see if she can find someone better, I tried it people don’t change unless they have to.

    Doesn’t sound very positive to me (and not the only examples). If you two loved each other enough to get married then surely it’s worth working at. I agree it takes both parties though.

    yossarian
    Member

    forget what she is saying OP, what do you think?

    deep down you, and you alone, know whether its worth your time and emotional involvement.

    If it is then talk to her
    If its not then begin the next part of your life today.

    Whatever happens everything will be ok, and you will be ok too.

    valleyman
    Member

    No-one else involved.

    are you 110% sure?

    (im not a troll and please don’t take the above as having a pop)

    randomjeremy
    Member

    Top tip: If she comes out with the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” line, there’s very likely somebody else. Also trial separations instigated by one party are usually a symptom of them just not having the balls to end it quickly, and there’s very likely somebody else.

    Premier Icon Del
    Subscriber

    if she is suggesting a trial it means she has your replacement lined up but doesnt want to burn bridges with you in case they dont work out.

    afraid this was my first thought too.
    genuinely hope this isn’t the case if you see a future with her.
    take care of yourself and look up your mates.

    hora
    Member

    When and how long ago did the sex stop?

    Junkyard
    Member

    lothario Lothoraio, you took your time to get to the real issue

    willard
    Member

    I have to second the “Relate only works if both want it to work” thinking. My previous marriage had some input at the end from Relate, but my ex didn’t really want to involve them, would not get involved when she did bother turning up and, in one case, downright lied to them.

    If you think she is willing to work at the relationship, give it a go, but if she is already suggesting a trial separation, well, it might work, but see what happens when you suggest she moves out.

    Sorry it’s not more constructive.

    hora
    Member

    Well from experience with friends of both sexes who went on to break up- the sex kinda stopped or became once every few weeks (and if so it was doing it for doing sake ‘as it’d been a while’).

    grum
    Member

    Correlation does not equal causation hora. Lots of very happily married people don’t have sex all the time. Apparently. 😳

    duckman
    Member

    Onzadog – Member
    Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages.

    Posted 2 hours ago # Report-Post

    Yes; Mrs D and I split up for 5 months. In that time,while we did all the financial stuff that started to make divorce all the more likely,deep down we missed each other terribly, went to relationship Scotland (like relate,but deep-fried)and worked things through. Key is; you have to both want to repair the relationship and feel it is worth saving. All was an awful time for me so I feel for you and hope that whatever happens eventually makes you happy.For me I would put focus on short term things; out with the kids at weekends, up hills with mates.You will be spending alot more time on your own;stay busy and keep off the drink (two bits of advice I didn’t follow at first)

    hora
    Member

    Everyone has a sexdrive. It goes away only if you don’t appreciate/take someone for granted and/or just go stale/don’t want it. As soon as someone else is on the scene/appears that ‘lost’ drive suddenly becomes catch-up/full on again.

    I say if it has dipped significantly – take the sign as a need to re-woo/reconnect/pamper before its too late. All IMO of course.

    Premier Icon Cougar
    Subscriber

    Everyone has a sexdrive. It goes away only if you don’t (blah blah etc)

    Not necessarily true. I’ve a friend who for all practical purposes doesn’t have a sex drive, due to health / medical issues.

    hora
    Member

    due to health / medical issues

    Thats not a normal/healthy “situation” though is it?

    soobalias
    Member

    Has a trial separation ever worked for someone? Genuine question as I always see it as splitting up in stages

    yes

    emsz
    Member

    Hora it’s not ‘just’ about sex y’know?

    Ending a relationship is hard, but from my experience a clean break is best, don’t call or see each other, don’t do the whole “crying on each others shoulder thing” don’t do once last fling, none of that. If your going then go.

    Premier Icon teamhurtmore
    Subscriber

    Good luck OP and hope you sort things out

    Grum +1 generally (for a nice change! 😉 )

    So that’s where “hora” came from!?!?

    Junkyard
    Member

    like relate,but deep-fried

    Made me smile and glad it all worked out for you.

    Thats not a normal/healthy “situation” though is it?

    How do you have time to ride Build a bike with all your fornicating?
    Most of us took years, not weeks, to get there Grum
    Have you seen the Fast show – that is what you are aiming for , no not Swiss Tony as hora has ringfenced that particular unicorn but the young married couple

    Premier Icon ransos
    Subscriber

    Key is; you have to both want to repair the relationship and feel it is worth saving.

    I thought this bit was worth repeating.

    Premier Icon Sandwich
    Subscriber

    what do you think

    More importantly, what do you WANT? Sort that out, check if that it fits with Mrs T and then make a decision.

    Whatever happens I wish you both all the best.

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