This will be more of a vent than a request for help I guess so fee free to be disinterested…

5 months ago I met my as I have to get used to calling her ex girlfriend. Started slowly, nice walks, getting to know each other with chatting by text, holding hands. All rather romantic and old fashioned for me!

Took a while for her to relax, lots of anxiety about covid etc, weeks before she would give me her number, but after a while we were Fb official as the kids say, and in what I thought was a loving happy relationship. I’d never been as happy, she said it felt different to with exes, that she felt secure and loved and more relaxed than in a very long time. It was lovely. Shared interests, even thought about buying a pony together..

She’d mentioned her anxiety was likely to be worse when she returned to work as a TA in September and her son returned to school, and for a while things were fine. Then almost out of the blue, it’s all gone. It’s like she’s flicked a switch in her head.

She says she can’t cope, can’t ever be with anyone, she loved me so much, but she’s a horrible person, she pushes people away and treats everyone horribly.

She’d mentioned before she carries a lot of guilt over leaving her ex partner, and I know she has had not very successful counselling in the past, and tells me she’s been to Drs who have doubled her anti depressants. She says she isn’t running from me it’s her own head, that nothing can change, that she can’t handle the pressure, and isn’t capable of ever loving someone 🙁

I try to give her space, try to reassure her that it’s a stage of depression and that she knows it will pass but she is completely cutting me out of her life and I’m heartbroken. I’m back on my anti depressants to try to keep a lid on my emotions but all I want to do is cuddle her and tell her I love her.

She’s said that in the past she’s repeatedly pushed partners away and then wanted them back, I’m just praying we get to that stage but at the moment it’s like talking to a wall and the woman of 3 weeks ago no longer exists or loves me.

So erm yes. Anyone else have experience of partners with what seems like bipolar/anxiety/depression and how to support her without her pushing me further away, as the thought of not seeing her ever again is unbearable.

Ta!

Ill be brutal. How much are you prepared to put up with / to do? Don’t end up being her therapist.

For her there are many treatments effective in a loving environment. Counseling being my preferred. Just because one counselor has not worked there is no reason another might not. The key thing is the relationship between the two

That sounds very challenging for sure. From an outsider point of view, with the benefit of no invested emotion in this, ask yourself if this cycle went on and on for months and years would you be prepared to put up with that?

Hmm I know it sounds a nightmare, and it is in some ways. But “Well Becky” is just the best person I’ve ever met, and daft as it sounds I knew this might be the case when we started and promised I wouldn’t let her down.
She knows she’s impossible, I think she’s rejecting everything now as she thinks she’s being kind almost! But then she will message saying sorry I’m a looney, please don’t hate me, you must hate me, are you going to take revenge on me”
I’d just like her back :-/

In my heartless bastard opinion, move on before she brings your mental health down.

This is a tough one, I feel for you. I had this with my ex-wife, she suffered with depression for most of her life. When she had bad periods of it, she couldn’t communicate at all. Her eyes were just empty, nothing came out of her mouth. In her words, she was just sitting at he bottom of a big black hole looking up, couldn’t get out or be heard by anyone. People with depression often push people they love away, or take it out on those they love around them. She tried CBT but didn’t really engage with it, she did get better, but it was always there in the background and led to other issues. She switched off from me and concentrated on work I honestly thought I could pull her through it. I was a very difficult and heart braking relationship, eventually after a period of working away from home everything collapsed.

Its sad, but in hindsight I wasn’t happy either and it was getting me down. I lost contact with a lot of friends because she didn’t want to know them (life long friends, the people who would drop everything to pull you out the shit), my social circle fell to bits. She’s a lovely girl, but she will never be happy. I now see it as a lucky escape. Some people will always be like this and its draining, I had nearly 10 years of it, the divorce came through today. There is no easy love, Hope your Ok pal

Thanks for the replies.
There’s no easy fix, and in her mind when she’s in this stage I think she genuinely believes she will never be happy.
6 months ago she wanted a happy settled relationship and to be loved.
If I ask her now and if she manages to bother replying she says she just wants to survive it and can’t hope for anymore than that
It’s hard to know what to do or say. And I’m so scared I will just lose her for good.

I recognise a lot of this from my wife, the just wanting to survive, the lack of emotion, the fear of going back to work.
It did get better but it took time, a lot of tears and a lot of effort.
Would I have stayed if we weren’t married? Difficult to say as I pretty much lost my wife for 18/24 months, which is hard graft when you’ve been together 8 years and even harder if it’s 6 months.
But, she’s the best person in the world, and is so much better now, albeit the anxiety and a few others bits will always be with her.
Drop me a DM if you want to talk more.

You and craig5 have kinda loosely described me there…

It’s hard work having long mental health problems.

I can truck along along ok most of the time now I’ve better coping strategies but introduce stress in any form and it can set me off again. Relationships being one of them.

She’ll most likely want it to work out but her head will be exploding at the moment, it’s awful..I’d do the exact same thing and push the other person away

Honestly. Be compassionate to her situation but back off and be prepared for nothing to happen. If you want, give her the option that you’ll be there if she wants to try again but don’t put any pressure for that to happen. Let her contact you. You can’t fix her and it doesn’t just go away especially if she is a long termer like me.

I think the key may be finding a counsellor that she can get a better rapport with. All counsellors are different, if one doesn’t work, another may.

Realistically, this isn’t going to totally go away. Either the two of you find a way of smoothing the ups and downs, or you will eventually find it’s got too much. How much “ill Becky” can you deal with in order to have time with “well Becky”?

Thanks @survivor it’s interesting to hear it from “the other side”

Early on she said that once she was back to work and under stress her anxiety would become much much worse. She certainly wasn’t wrong..

I’ve tried to chat to her about why she suddenly feels the way she does but understandably she’s very defensive and it’s very hard for it not to become an arguement. The closest we’ve got is that she wants to be loved and cared for, to have someone tell her everything will be ok, and that she’s safe, but that she’s also terrified of having it and losing it or getting it wrong so will sabotage it almost to “get in first”? A lot is linked to guilt that her relationship with her sons dad broke down and she feels she let them down and doesn’t really deserve to be happy.

She did the up and down thing with her ex for 4
Years

I’ve tried to back off but have also been very clear that she’s cared about, I haven’t gone away and that she isn’t a horrible person. She’s upped her antidepressant meds which is hopefully a good sign. I think a lot of her dating is a way to try to feel some self esteem and that she’s wanted by someone.

I just hope that somewhere inside the old her is still there and will see through the clouds that she is special and loved.

Unrequited love is bloody painful, been there, as have most.

My advice is that to have any chance of getting her back is to do exactly what she wants. Don’t contact her, leave her well alone. Every text, every time you tell her you love her is likely to harden her resolve.

Let her miss you basically and see what happens.

All the above said, I wouldn’t get your hopes up matey. There xoes sound to be a bit of an element of “it isn’t you, it’s me” going on… I don’t mean and offence by saying that, to be clear.

Good luck and hope it works out.

Doesn’t sound like her anxiety/depression/etc has just started, it’s been around for years, and has got progressively worse, sounds like she carries a lot of guilt, but also a lot of stress, sadly you’re on the outside looking in now, anything you do may well just increase the guilt/stress, doesn’t sound like she has much of a support network either. Looks like you can only really wait for a spell of clarity and she reaches out, bar that it sounds pretty negative.

@argee I think you are spot on tbh. Her support network is almost non existent.
I’ve suggested we park the relationship and spent time as friends if that’s what she needs right now. Even just a chat and walk the dog.
Fingers crossed. She’s been quite chatty today which is a bit of an improvement

The more I read about BiPolar and particularly the self sabotage element people can display its almost like reading exactly about us. Which sort of helps in a strange way.

Just thick skinned, relaxed and go with it. It passes, remember the person you enjoy, they don’t go to the dark places through choice. I didn’t really know about my wifes condition until a year after we started going out and didn’t fully comprehend it for another 2. Doesn’t help that diagnoses change, but things just aren’t that straight forward, anyway, generally settled around bipolar something or other now, so some idea of what’s going on.

Just helping simplify her life to reduce stresses, I carry a bit more burden, but happy to do that for her.

Meds can also have some side effects, some have given realistic dreams with alternative events and lines can become blurred between what has and hasn’t happened. Not entirely the meds, but an exaggeration of some symptoms I guess can occur. There are so many variables and a lot of guesswork.

TBH they’re just more openly crazy than ‘normal’ girlfriends that just leave you baffled and confused without explanation.

@timber yes I think that’s it! I’d happily take on some of the stress for her if she’d let me,but I think the anxiety that she can’t let anyone in properly holds her back from that.
Like you say, it’s trying to hold on to the idea that she isn’t likely to be enjoying this anymore than I am, but feels almost powerless to help it I think.
Good job she’s bloody lovely despite thinking I’m the double of Wallace from W&G
Interesting about the dreams. When we first went very wobbly she described barely sleeping at night, napping during day where she could, and strange dreams where she was sleeping walking and searching all over the house for something she couldn’t find… Although at that point I think she wasn’t remembering to take her medications and often forgets or thinks it’s pointless, eg “does everyone have a chemical imbalance? I can’t, I’m just a horrible cruel person and that’s why I should always be alone and you deserve so much better than me”

Having dated someone for several months, being all in (which was a big thing for me), having my trust betrayed (not cheating) and then finally us both facing up to her major issues, I’d recommend extreme caution and suggest you prepare to walk away at some point.

They might not mean to act in ways that hurt you, there may be understandable reasons and explanations for certain behaviours, but you can’t let them be justification or excuses for them just being plain shitty. You may love this woman, want to be with the good version of her, and want to help her, but don’t lose sight of your own happiness and wellbeing. You’ll probably be better off long term for getting out now and suffering the short term heartache of it.

People only change and improve when they realise they need and/or want to. They won’t do either according to your timetable. And remember, there’s not someONE for everyone, there are loads, that’s all bullshit – you will find another.

Don’t worry @core I’ve been through loads of other ones 😉
But this one is for whatever reason difffent and very much worth the heartache wherever we end up. May well be nowhere but I think I owe it to myself and her to keep trying

@FFJA always a search to punish herself, she doesn’t deserve, it’s not normal, don’t need meds, etc. Sleep is recovery, but also escape from waking reality.

@timber spot on, as an example

Gives horse in next stable a carrot (she has a HND in horse stuff and is fab with them.

Spends rest of night panicking the horse is allergic to carrots, it’s probably dead, I’m going to get chucked off the yard, should I call the vet? Etc

Tough one

My brother is bipolar and he’s spent years under section (usually 2 to 3 months a time) I love him and would do anything to help him and often do. But there are times when I’ve wondered if I could cope with him if we weren’t family if I’d turn my back on him. He’s had ups and downs relationship wise longest term relationship broke down a few years back though honestly her mental health was probably as much of an issue as his. He’s one of the best people I know and has a massive friend group as testament to that.

My last relationship lasted 3 years we both had faults and I loved her deeply, never been so happy but she had paranoia that would kick in when ever she got down. I’d face a stream of accusations denials were futile and it was painful. She also had an avoidant attachment type so sometimes she’d crave space and go radio silent for days until I’d reach the point where I was close to cracking then she’d call or message back. We broke up twice both times on her call first time we had 2 months apart while she decided if she wanted to be with me broke up with me when I pushed for an answer but then changed her mind hours later I guess after finally thinking about it as she spent 2 months not thinking about it.
Second and final time came after longer than usual silence and honestly I was exhausted with constantly reminding myself she loved me that the paranoia wasn’t her that she would come back from silence each time. I’d never felt so close to anyone I could be myself with her completely she would do the nicest most thoughtful things for me we’d discussed starting a family. I always thought that if I could just stay strong keep loving her it could heal the paranoia. Took me a year to finally move past the hurt trying to figure out if I had handled my own problems could we have worked like I said faults on both sides.

But here’s the thing with mental health issues that took me so long to understand, you can support someone but you can’t fix them that comes from them. A support network helps them achieve it but you personally can’t will it into being. Years back when my brother would be manic I’d try to argue him into accepting he was ill and needed meds I thought if I could show him the holes in his logic he’d stop and take his meds. Now I know that if he or friends and family don’t catch the signs early best thing to do is be there for him and walk him through sectioning process if there’s no way he can get back down without that help. That doesn’t happen often these days thankfully he’s gotten so much better at management. In the first year with my ex after a very painful conversation with her she had an assessment and accepted she might be paranoid though from my perspective at least she didn’t ever really try and address or accept it, so the thoughts she had chipped away at how she felt about me until there wasn’t enough left for her.

Would I take back those 3 years to save myself the heartache no. If she got back in touch would I want to try again I hope not. Maybe not that helpful advice wise though think about having a chat with a counselor yourself maybe assess your outlook on relationships you mention being through loads with others pretty lightly but honestly while relationships need work to work it shouldn’t just be about work. Plus if you do stay in it for the long term it will help you.

I rarely post on STW these days but logged in to say that Craig5’s post is incredibly close to my situation (newly divorced), thanks for posting – I’ve not sought people who’ve had similar experiences so this took me a bit by surprise. All very sad.

To the OP – you sound like a great guy who is looking for a loving relationship. I too believe in ‘the fight’ for a relationship. In this case, given your own considerations (anti-dep etc.), think about writing down your position (you love her, willing to help etc. but not at any cost), send it, ask for some space for a week or two (no visits or messaging), stand back and stand firm, see what happens. Take some control. Some time/distance may give you/her some perspective.

Look after yourself. Nobod else will.

Pine over her for months, make mixtapes for her, send letters, text, get replies, don’t sleep, lose weight, occasionally meet her in person and kid yourself into thinking you’ll reconcile, text, don’t get replies, try and get a job in her city (fail), have some ill-advised rebound flings, slowly move on, still miss her eight years later.

Everyone has one.

She’s said that in the past she’s repeatedly pushed partners away and then wanted them back, I’m just praying we get to that stage but at the moment it’s like talking to a wall and the woman of 3 weeks ago no longer exists or loves me.

For yourself OP, time is the healer, hope is what will hurt you here, as hard as it might be you’ll need to accept its over and avoid anything that’ll give you hope so no contact, remove from social media etc

Hmm not sure it’s a simple as that @oikeith. I get that that’s the standard break up advice but this isn’t really a “standard breakup” I don’t think. More that at the moment she’s rather lost in her own little world of depression. Or maybe you’re right and I’ll never see her again. Who knows.

I wish I’d been stronger. But if she’s really gone then I can’t do this anymore. Be kind to yourselves.

Sorry but I don’t think you can wait/rely on the happier version of her coming back.

As someone who struggles to stay in relationships for various reasons including mental health, I am beginning to think it may be fairest on everyone for me not to get involved with people any more.

FFJA. I know the answer is at least partly “not really’, but do you need some help yourself to deal with this…? Your last post is a little worrying…