Films that are best left unwatched

deliverance.  if you havent watched it yet dont bother, its sh1t.  although im going to try and find ‘southern comfort’ to scratch an old itch.

and yes, blair witch project.

Open Water.

Just fill up your bath and stare at it for two hours, it’ll be much more entertaining.

Came here to say this.

The high point of the film is a few seconds of gratuitous nudity near the start. After that it’s two unlikeable people floating in the sea for half the film. There’s a moment of drama when one of them needs to have a wee, then has one. I won’t spoiler the tension by saying which one.

I like a ‘so bad it’s good’ film and I try to find something good in any film. I’d rather drive screws into my eyes than watch Open Water again.

I’d say any sequel, or franchise after the first film, is likely to be crap. In general they are taking what was probably a decent original idea and leaching the last few million dollars from it.  There may be the occasional honourable exception, but I can’t think of any.

There’s a few that spring to mind, reckon few would argue withe the following:

Godfather Part two

Terminator 2

Paddington 2

Empire Strikes back

French Connection 2

The Good the Bad and the Ugly (technically the 3rd film)

Anyway, to the matter in hand. For me Stir Crazy should be avoided at all cost. Got my son to watch it with me and sold it hard, was very funny when I was young..

Absolutely terrible. So unfunny it wasn’t funny. If Gene Wilder whitter screamed one more time I was ready to put my foot through the screen and send the bill to Richard Pryor’s estate. It was slow and plodding too. Astonishing how badly it’d aged

I loved Stir Crazy – I still refer to Grossberger! (I swear I saw his doppelgänger in a caravan in Dentdale once, too)

I won’t watch it again and ruin my memories then.

Anyway, this is officially the worst film ever:

Gerry – starring Matt Damon and Casey Affleck. I think I saw it at the cinema for some unknown reason.

With a plot like this, what do you expect:

“The friendship between two young men is tested when they go for a hike in the desert but forget to bring any food or water.”

https://www.imdb.com/video/vi753901081/?playlistId=tt0302674&ref_=tt_pr_ov_vi

I’m a big Paul Giamatti fan ever since I saw him in Sideways.

Oh Sideways – I **** hated that! Everything about it.

Face/Off

I was working on a door in central London and we were all given tickets to the premiere. We all declined.

Dune

The original film was excruciating – the whispery monologue!

Anything with Nicholas Cage or Adam Sandler in it

Thing with Nicholas Cage is that some of his films are brilliant and some are terrible, there’s nothing in between, no mediocrity. Actors like Tom Hanks, on the other hand, are consistently mediocre, they make solid, boring films that never take risks. I’d take a random Nic Cage film over a random Tom Hanks film any day.

You show me where the top is, and I’ll let you know whether I’m over it or not, all right, I design where the top is.

Nicholas Cage

Anything with Sean Connery.

Anything with Sean Connery.

On which note, any time there’s an early Bond film on TV, that can safely be ignored. They have NOT aged well at all!

In fact the same could be said of the Roger Moore era too.

Nic Cage isn’t an actor, he’s a state of mind. To be fair, he has made some utter drivel, but that’s part of the fun. I loved Face/Off, it was ludicrous wonderful nonsense. Mandy is brilliant, Raising Arizona, Leaving Las Vegas etc.

On topic, I was duped into watching a bit of the Peter Rabbit film with J****s C****n in it, and I still feel sad and angry when I remember that.

Anything with Sean Connery

Wrong, because Time Bandits!

The Third Man (1949).  I know it’s on every ‘classic films to watch before you die’ type list, but lord it’s tedious. Orson Wells is shit, too.

Mother! (2017).  Incomprehensible.

Orson Wells is shit, too.

Mark Commode’s job looks safe for now. 

an early Bond film on TV, that can safely be ignored. They have NOT aged well at all. In fact the same could be said of the Roger Moore era too.

Watched A View to a Kill a while back, and it’s not good, not good at all. I get that by this point Bond was filmed a bit ‘camp’ on purpose, but this is whole row of tents, and a meta-plot that is just a collection of other Bond plots. And Moore although ‘only’ in his fifties – he was 57 at the time, he looks and moves like a man in his late sixties. One critic at the time said, he’s not long in the tooth so much as he has actual tusks.

I’m not a fan of either Cage or Travolta but I found Face/Off weirdly entertaining.

+1 for Lost in Translation – made my skin crawl plus it was boring as well.

I find another issue with modern films is they are just too long – take Killers of the Flower Moon, I’m sure there was a good film in there somewhere but I switched it off after about 2hrs cos it was just going on and on and on. I haven’t even bothered with The Irishman for the same reason.

Oh and for pure dross that should never have been released – that Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warefare. Just felt like someone had asked ChatGPT to come up with a ‘modern action movie for gen z’ and pressed return.

I watched Ministry Of… on a flight a couple of weeks ago and enjoyed it.  A couple of hours of pure light hearted nonsense entertainment.

I find another issue with modern films is they are just too long – take Killers of the Flower Moon,

Another one I really liked 🙂

Lost in Translation is typical Sofia Coppola – quiet observation rather than car chases and shoot-outs.

Hostel, Hostel 2, Hostel 3.

You’d think I’d learn.

The Joker. Someone asked me if I could recommend it, I said it is a good film but not a nice film, so probably couldn’t recommend it.

There are loads of art-house films like this, fascinating premise, incredible cinematography but too graphic or disturbing to be enjoyed IMO.

Hang on a minute – did I get this question to the house wrong? My film I chose, I’ve never seen nor would I.

I’m a big fan of the Alien franchise, but “you blow, I’ll do the fingering” is a contender for me.

I get that by this point Bond was filmed a bit ‘camp’ on purpose,

The thing with a lot of the Moore era Bond was, it was utterly ridonculous, but Moore knew it was daft and was having the time of his life with it. It was a brickbat away from Mrs Slocombe’s pussy and he loved every minute of it. They’re joyous for that reason alone.

I love Daniel Craig’s take on Bond, but they’re very different films. You’d never have got Roger Moore tied into a chair being repeatedly whacked in the bollocks, he’d have narrowly escaped using his wristwatch laser before the first swing.

Yeah, fair analysis…For the time they were made, and I think everyone accepted that (Live and Let die excepted which I think was played straight). 40 years hence, they’re pretty awful, and not in a “Ooooh, you are awful” Dick Emery stylee, just awful. Imean, OK they’re aren’t fake Chinese baddies in them, but still; at least Dr No didn’t try to flee the crime scene verrry slowlyyyy in a airship that has his name emblazoned in 40 ft high letters on its side, eh?

Did someone say art-house?

I give you Dogville. One of the strangest films ive ever seen, it was “good” and I’ll happily never watch it again.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0276919/

You’d never have got Roger Moore tied into a chair being repeatedly whacked in the bollocks

Potentially causing him to raise both eyebrows? As the director yells “Give us pain Roger!”

The Craig bond films might technically be “better” but I know what I’d rather watch for the umpteenth time on a rainy Sunday afternoon!

and yes, blair witch project.

I missed this earlier, The Blurred Witch Project is a really good shout. By the end I was rooting for the witch. I’ve half a mind to rewatch it just to see whether it was as godawful as I remember.

I think there’s a special place in hell for films that just stop. Was it No Country For Old Men with that Spanish bloke with the big nose? I was sat there thinking “wow, they’re leaving it until the last minute to resolve all this” and then inexplicably the credits roll while he’s waiting for a bus or something.

That;s the second Yorgos Lanithmos film mentioned.

ok…

The Fast and The Furious
2 Fast 2 Furious
The Fast and The Furious; Tokyo Drift
Fast & Furious
Fast Five
Fast & Furious 6
Furious 7
The Fast of the Furious
F9
and finally Fast X

Were obviously all great, even when they jumped that car between the skyscrapers and their cars turned into spaceships and went into space..

… but do NOT bother watching Hobbs & Shaw as it is awful.

and yes, blair witch project.

Any film thats made to look like a home made video/ ‘mock-umentary’ with shakey camera work and ‘actors’ that act like they were paid in pints of beer and dragged out of the local student union bar… just no, stop it.

Did someone say art-house?

Dear god I’ve sat through some utter tripe in the Cornerhouse/Home over the years on the strength of Guardian five star reviews. Hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Now I work on the principle that if the Guardian absolutely  slates it then it’s probably worth a watch. Guardian five star review? Just no.

One that springs to mind is Gus Van Sants ‘Elephant’. A film about the Columbine high school massacre which is so spirit-crushingly tedious you’d be doing well to stay awake through it. I suppose I should at least be thankful it wasn’t filmed in black and white, in Icelandic, with subtitles. Small mercies.

I think there’s a special place in hell for films that just stop. Was it No Country For Old Men with that Spanish bloke with the big nose?

People go on about how NCFOM is one of the greatest films of all time. I know its purposefully bleak and its a stylistic thing just to end with no resolution, but I thought it was bobbins.

on the strength of Guardian five star reviews.

The rule of thumb in our house is the amount of stars that Peter Bradshaw gives any movie is inversely proportional to actual enjoyment you’ll get from said movie.

Dear god I’ve sat through some utter tripe in the Cornerhouse/Home over the years on the strength of Guardian five star reviews. Hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Funnily enough just last night I was musing over the time I went to the Cornerhouse to watch a four hour Lars Von Trier supernatural horror thing, at lunchtime on a Sunday. I accidentally went clubbing the night before and thus went straight from the afterparty at a random’s house to the Cornerhouse, without sleeping, still somewhat off my chops. Luckily there was an interval after 2 hours, as I needed a couple of swift pints to reset the levels.

I don’t remember much about the film

on the strength of Guardian five star reviews.

We had a similar rule in place for one of our housemates at uni (late 90’s) who reckoned himself as a bit of a film buff. He raved about The Big Lebowski, kept quoting dialogue from it, told us how much we’d love it. As soon as it was available on VHS, he bought a copy and arranged a viewing party, told us it’d be the best night in ever.

We all thought it was total shite. (I know it’s Coen brothers, cult classic etc but nope, just didn’t work for us).

It wasn’t the first or last film he did this with but it’s the one that sticks in my memory.

Now I work on the principle that if the Guardian absolutely  slates it then it’s probably worth a watch. Guardian five star review? Just no.

Substitute “STW” for “The Guardian” and you’ve pretty much got my rule of thumb 🙂

Dune2…. New on Sky today… watched it this morning… Jeeez it was… well…. Poor !!!!

The Big Lebowski

We all thought it was total shite.

You are all very much in the wrong here 🙂

The Craig bond films might technically be “better” but I know what I’d rather watch for the umpteenth time on a rainy Sunday afternoon!

Carry On Up The Khyber?