Feeling helpless, scared and guilty – mental health content

Bit of a loss what to do here, so thought brain dumping onto an online forum would help!

A month ago I posted here that my wife was having some mental health issues and the last few weeks has just got worse.

She’s been diagnosed with acute anxiety and depression and has been given 10mg per day Citalopram to help this, she started on them earlier this week. She’s also managed to get some CBT and other such things through her private medical though this doesn’t start for 2 weeks. She cries every day and is much more down than up, she has no motivation, no energy, no drive and a very low opinion of herself.

I am there for her no matter what and she knows this, the problem is me. Basically, I feel completely helpless, I know the tablets mess you up for a few weeks but she’s really been knocked about, really low moments, no drive, not good at all. And I know there’s nothing I can do and this does not make me feel good. It’s also pretty damn scary seeing your wife becoming someone you know she’s not but at the same time is at that moment. You hope that the life you knew before will come back, but you don’t know for sure, we had a wonderful, carefree life and right now, that’s gone. And this is where the guilt hits. I find myself taking the long way home from work, not hours longer but 10 or 15 minutes. I find myself thinking of the life we had a lot. I find myself, occasionally getting angry at her in my head (but not to her, she doesn’t need that) and I know that’s not fair.

This is a long post, I expect no-one to respond but I kind of wants to write something down in the hope someone, anyone, may know what I mean.

Thanks all.

This time of year is hardest and affects a lot of people. When the days get longer and the pills kick in she’ll be in a much better place.

Hold on to that thought and until that time just be there for her, like you are. Try not to stress or fuss, although easier said than done – it does create a vicious circle. You will get back to that life you had, it’s a blip.

Have you got to the bottom of what triggered all of this?

From personal experience, these pills are pretty hellish in the first month. Be aware that she will not be able to rationalise feeling so shit. The example I would give is to compare it to one of those “world caving in” hangovers.

When I had these hangovers in the past they would be accompanied by crippling anxiety and a good deal of depression. But here’s the thing, I could rationalise them by saying ” it is only temporary, just relax and it will pass”. With these things, I couldn’t do that. It was real. Hang in there. Have some patience and things will ease.

You can then try to get at the root issues when the outlook is less bleak.

You’re allowed to feel how you want in your own head, its only human to have those thoughts and if you can’t work through them in your own head then what can you do.
You are also allowed to take a bit of time for yourself.

Have you got to the bottom of what triggered all of this?

No, we were pretty convinced it was work but the more we look, the deeper it gets, there’s a feeling it may have been there for a while, lurking, making the odd appearance that was put down to a hangover or lack of sleep or PMT. But now it’s here, and it’s kicking her arse and it’s heart breaking to see.

And whilst she sits downstairs feeling crap, I sit upstairs on the PC, crying. Life is bloody horrible sometimes.

Seriously consider having a full gamut of tests for nutritional deficiencies. Even if you think general diet is good, these things do have a considerable impact.

Not a doctor – just anecdotal experience and advice speaking…

I’ve been in a similar place to your wife. I am lucky enough to have a very understanding wife. I have no doubt that I would not be alive if not for her. Recovery may be very dependent upon your wife regaining some of her self worth. This is where you come in. Whenever she starts putting herself down, give her enourmous positivity about who she is and what she means to you. It is bloody hard sometimes, but you just have to keep reminding her that her life is worth a lot more than she thinks it is.
Also, look after yourself.

I’ve had a few episodes of anxiety and depression and I always get back to normal in between. I’ve had citalopram in the past and it worked for me, though the first few weeks are tricky.
I’ve recently had a couple of sessions of hypnotherapy for anxiety, recommended by my GP. Hypnotherapy isn’t what I imagined- it’s actually just a way of getting into a deeply relaxed state and I felt great afterwards, really calm and chilled out. That’s maybe another thing to try – maybe even for both of you.

Seriously consider having a full gamut of tests for nutritional deficiencies

Already done, no deficiencies at all, all good. In a way, we were gutted, if it was a deficiency we can deal with it, healing a broken mind is much tougher.

If you spend 99% of the time supporting your wife and 1% resenting her then you’re doing a marvellous job. Don’t feel guilty.

There’s not always a clear trigger for mental illness, as I’m sure you’re aware.

All the best for the future.

It’s about 6 weeks for the tablets to smooth things out. Be aware your wife may feel a bit despondent around week 4/5 as it feels they are not working.

I have taken citalopram for 3 or more years in the past. Don’t forget time for you in all the excitement, fresh air and exercise work wonders for mental well being.

Good luck to you both.

My wife’s been/is in a similar state to yours OP so I know well your feelings. She had the hypnotherapy and it’s worked to a certain extent in respect of the anxiety side of things, not totally but at least she’s no longer passing out! Alas my eldest daughter is plagued too with similar mental illness to the wife and she has no partner to lean on and a daughter of her own who is also developing issues courtesy of the marriage split and people flitting in and out of her life.
You can only do the best you can but will have to take time out for your own sanity so don’t feel guilty about feeling like you do.
I’m not going to lie and tell you your life will return to how it used to be because in my experience, it won’t! All you can do is try and support her as best you can and ensure she doesn’t self medicate ( because she feels better stops taking the tablets!).
Finally ensure she’s not anaemic as my wife’s just found out and has made a hell of a difference to her energy levels.
Good luck and make sure you chat with your mates, it we’ll help to offload your stresses about what’s going on.

Get this book for you and your wife to read it explains depression well.
Depressive Illness: The Curse of the Strong (3rd Edition): Volume 3 (Overcoming Common Problems) Paperback – 20 Sep 2012
by Dr. Tim Cantopher (Author)

Just try to be kind compassionate and patient, tablets like SSRi take about six weeks to start having an effect. Don’t isolate yourself away from your wife just try to be as normal as possible. Don’t think on what was, just focus on the now, depression does lift and cbt is best done when feeling better as you can focus on it. It gives you a set of skills which help put things in perspective.

Do not forget your own needs, you must look afteryourself first then be there for your wife.

Once better try and get you wife doing CBT in a group, they can be very supportive. Thtere’s a lot of people who need help more than you think, if you wanna PM me any questions I can answer what I can on how its like to be depressed and anxious as I have been there many times. CBT with exercise, and good diet is highly recommended.

You’re allowed to get support too, MIND, samaritans, gp can all be there for you too. And read some of the books that are recommended in other threads because they can help you make things easier for both of you. Depressive illness, curse of the strong and the chimp paradox are two titles to look for.

There isn’t always a trigger event, sometimes this has built up over a long time and eventually just becomes too much to keep masking with your normal life. When I fell apart I had no idea that I wasn’t living the way most people do, nor that I might be suffering from mental illness.

I really feel for you, and for my wife who went through a similar time a few years ago when I suffered a depressive episode. It takes a while, and it can seem it just gets deeper and deeper, but the thing is it does pass eventually. My wife felt just like you at times, it’s only human, but she supported me through it and although she may not have known at the time this was crucial, and we have come out better than ever. Hang in there mate, you are an important part of her solution

Already done, no deficiencies at all, all good. In a way, we were gutted, if it was a deficiency we can deal with it, healing a broken mind is much tougher.

Really glad to hear that you’ve already looked into it.

I’m positive you’ll both get to where you want to be and look back going “that was all a bit sh1t wasn’t it?”

Promise 🙂

In a similar situation, but for quite a while longer.

It is frustrating at times as their thinking is completely irrational (even for a female) and often negative. Whilst you can remember the positive side and happy things and see the contrast, your wife won’t be able to, which makes it tough for the outsider to watch and hard to comprehend.

That is slightly rambly, but after re-reading can’t quite organise it to make more sense.

For us, reducing stress and increasing stability has helped us keep a more positive outlook with ‘easy wins’ of productivity to lift moods and put a positive spin on things.

Go along with the medication, some things we have found to massively help and can be used short term to help ride things out, others stabilise and God knows what others do, I really struggle to keep track of them all and nothing is clear cut, tell the nurse if things really aren’t working, she can often get hold of the Dr easier and make small changes we have found.

You think that you are not helping her, but you are. Your support and concern are the best thing for her and it takes someone special to be able to offer that.
It’s a very hard thing that both you and your wife are going through, it seems bleak now but you’re at the start of the process.
Thankfully your wife is getting medical help (you would be amazed how many people don’t get that far) so roll with it and keep being the support she needs.
It will get better 🙂

Already done, no deficiencies at all, all good.

Did you have sight of these tests? Whereabouts in the range were the results as, for example, ‘within range’ could mean at the bottom of the range when in actual fact there could be scope for improvement.

Did you have sight of these tests? Whereabouts in the range were the results

I didn’t see the results but her aunt, a hugely experienced nurse and her brother, an immunologist turned aneasthnetist, did. Both were certain that was not where the problem lay.

Thank you all for your kind words. She’s just kicked me out the house to go and see a couple of mates for a beer, I don’t want to leave her alone but I think I need this.

Sometimes being apart is a good idea, so you can both recharge and think/cry/talk etc.

Drag her out for a walk, hold her hand and walk. Dress appropriately, put something comfortable on your feet, take a torch and walk.

If she doesn’t feel little better after I apologise, but I suspect she will.

Not sure what to say – I think that it can be harder for partners of people with mental health problems than for the ones who are ill.

If you are struggling to get your own head round things, maybe go and have a chat with your GP – the extra pressure may be getting to you as well? Find someone you can talk to – this forum, close mate, maybe a counsellor, Samaritans even, and see if they can help clear your mind a bit better to help your wife.

I’ve been on 10mg of Citalopram for 3 weeks. I was told I may not notice any improvement till week 3-4, and I haven’t noticed anything yet apart from some minor side effects which might be psychosomatic, so it is still early days for your wife.

The counsellor I’ve been seeing has indicated that the therapeutic dose would be 20mg or more. A friends wife is on 40mg, and this thread from a couple of months ago Citalopram would suggest that higher dosages are more commonly used.

Keep talking to someone – anyone, even us on the forum. Loads have been – or are still – there, and we will always be able to listen and discuss our experiences if it will help.

Email in profile if you want to take it off here at any time.

Lunge, all of what you are feeling, including the anger, is completely natural so don’t be hard on yourself over that.
As above, it’s early days but also good that she is now getting treatment. Try to stay strong but if it’s getting too much seek help for yourself too.

Lunge, it’s 100% OK to feel as you do. It’s completely normal. You are under a lot of pressure and the fact you are putting all this effort and love into supporting your wife is draining. This care and consideration also shows you have not done or felt anything to feel guilty about!

Take care dude.

J

Is there anything external that she is worrying over or is she just fearful of the anxious state she is in?

If the latter see anything by

Dr clare weekes
Paul david
Dr sally mclaren
Charles linden

Done properly theyll eliminate the high anxiety and associated thoughts and feelings over a few months.

Echo everything that’s been said already, especially . . .

There’s not always a clear trigger for mental illness, as I’m sure you’re aware.

I’m positive you’ll both get to where you want to be and look back going “that was all a bit sh1t wasn’t it?”

Promise

It will get better and your experiences will arm you well for the future. Take care and stay strong both!

My wife was nearly sectioned twice for post natal depression, incredibly tough and I thought the last time I’d never get her back. She’s fine.
I did suffer a bout of acute anxiety 8 years ago. It was awful, I do manage it now ok, but deep down I’m not completely free. It has changed my life, unnoticed by those close to me, but something I have to live with and keep an eye on.

+1 to getting some support for yourself also. Its an incredibly difficult position to be in and you do not have to cope with it alone.

As for getting to the bottom of it perhaps look at some of the newer therapies on offer – Internal Family Systems is what I would suggest. Unfortunately there are not many therapists around it being pretty new over here but there are a few.

How’s it going?

Hey lunge, sorry to read your post, but also happy to read your post as most importantly, you’re talking about it. I’m a long term sufferer of depression. I’ve been through relationships were my partner has felt exactly what you are. You’re doing a fantastic job. Remember you need to look after yourself too as selfish as that may seem at times.

I’m not going to comment on the medication as I have very different feelings and experiences on it.

You mentioned it may be work related? There is something that has gone wrong. That’s the thing you need to find and address. Ultimately all the medication in the world wont find and help fix it. Get her to open up if you can. Get her to write stuff down maybe. I’m slowly figuring out what I am the way I am. It involves some very tough thinking. The biggest fear for me is making changes and feeling different about what has happened before.

Best of luck.

Neilwheel, thank you for asking.

She, and indeed me, are making steps, not big ones but we’re going in the right direction.

The Citalopram hit her pretty hard for the first week but this seems to be calming down now. She cries much less, the odd tear in a morning but not too much. She is still very anxious, particularly in evenings just after she has taken the daily tablet. She has also struggled to sleep properly though last night she did get a much better nights sleep. She’s also now back at work, which, contrary to what we thought, has really helped, the structure of the day and focus seems to help her keep on track, this combined with a bit of help from her management is very positive. Generally, she feels a lot more stable and in control, not “fixed” but a lot better than before. We’re not taking this for granted, I’m certain we’ll have some bad days along the way but right now it’s a lot better.

And me, well, I guess I’ve had to get used to the fact that we’re on a bit of a roller coaster and that came as a shock to begin with. After I posted the above message she sent me out with my mates and told me to get trolleyed, I did, got an evening talking rubbish with some good friends and generally felt a bit better about things.

So I guess the answer to the original question is, we’re doing OK, the journey is not over but so far, we’re doing OK.

Edit, and thank you again to all who responded first time round, seriously, it’s times like this that I really value this site and the wonderful people on it.

Lunge,are you local to stourbridge?

Lunge,are you local to stourbridge?

I’m not a million miles away, why do you ask?

There’s a bunch of muppets meet at the ruby cantonese in amblecote on a Thursday night for an evening of cycling and pisstaking. Some fast guys, some slow guys,some old and slow guys(me).
Feel free to join us if it will help or pm me anytime for a pootle.

Cheers dave.

Thanks Sargey, appreciate the offer. I’m oop north with work so it’s unlikely I’ll be able to make it but really appreciate you offering.

The Citalopram takes a while to function properly. Give it time and things will start to stabilise. There’ll still be some odd side effects and she won’t be exactly her old self, but the anxiety should be very much reduced.

It’s always hard for the partner, because you are helpless to use the normal means to support somebody who isn’t just “feeling low”.

Good to know things are a little more balanced for you both.

I tried Yoga for the first time today, it seems to be a good option.
Maybe suggest that if she hasn’t tried it already?

Lunge, quite happy to meet you (both of you too if she’s up to it) for a natter/beer. I’ve suffered really bad anxiety and depression and got through it (mostly) I found it helps talking to others that have gone through similar as you know you’re not alone.

It’ll take time. It took me nearly two years to get over the crippling anxiety, the depression comes and goes. Give me a shout when you’re back down this way

First of sympathy to both of you

I’ll echo somethings that have been said

You will feel bad during tough times. Don’t make things worse by being annoyed about feeling bad

I would suggest that you look at mindfulness as a way to help deal with feelings. It might help your wife but I think she needs profesional help not an arm chair expert

I have started this book

I was already meditating but not really mindful. I stopped reading after about 10% as it felt like I’d read enough to change my life, well nearly

Oh and a real curve ball suggestion. Watch the film “Inside Out” fun but good on feelings