Help me help my wife, possible depression / stress related illness.

Been debating posting this, but what the hell, very few on here know me so here we go. Heart on the sleeve time.

Basically, I’m really worried about my wife.

She’s always been a strong, fiercely independent, 30 year old woman with no kids, a loving husband and a very stable life. She’s fit, runs 10k’s in under 40 mins, gym 3 times per week, and is generally a great person to be around. She’s a teacher, primary, on the up in her career, she runs the entire maths curriculum for the school and is has been picked to be one of the lead teachers in the school for the quality of her lessons. And yet…

For the last 2 weeks, she cries every evening and can barely get out of bed. She struggles to function without me being there. It’s only recently got this bad but it has been slowly building up with her having a bad day or 2 over the last 3 or 4 months. She says she hates work, yet can’t explain why, she’s fine at work yet as soon as she leaves she breaks down, saying there’s too much work and she doesn’t think she can cope. She says her “head is full” and that there’s no space for anything else in it. We’re currently seeking professional help from her GP (appointment booked but not seem them yet) whilst also looking at other career options.

However, she sees seeing the GP as a sign of weakness. She also loves education and doesn’t want to leave it. She won’t take time off work as she’s scared that if she takes one day off it’ll open the door to her taking lots off. I mention the running and the gym as she has no drive to go anymore, she’s put on a bit of weight and now a lack of body confidence is starting to creep in which isn’t helping at all. I was away for 3 days this weekend and she was crying when she picked me up at the airport and said she’d barely stopped all weekend.

So STW, as a worried, dedicated and loving husband, what the hell can I do? I think I can get her to go to her GP but right now she is completely against talking to her boss about the work load.

Sorry for the long post, and thank you for reading.

I’m sure others here will have helpful suggestions, but I lack the experience. Just want to say well done for asking and I hope you both find your way through this, hopefully temporary, episode.

First off, depression does not discriminate. So sadly one could work at the blowjob and beer tasting company and still get it.

Secondly, you’re on the right track in speaking to the GP. Tell your good lady she would go to the doctor for a physical ailment that was so debilitating, so mental issues should be no different. Also, go with her to the appointment, if not already, as she may not want to be honest with them given what you describe about her not wanting to be seen to be weak/need help.

Given the increasing prevalence in these issues, her boss should also be understanding when told and be able to help from their end.

Good luck.

I have felt like that. Almost exactly like that! Stress related illness in my case. It’s a long story – but has a good ending. Be happy to discuss further (email in profile) GP was a HUGE help but I felt similar “I should be able to cope”

I think it’s a good first step. Would you be going with her to the appointment?

Sounds like a tough situation…my heartfelt thoughts to you all.

I’m not qualified but my instinctive response would be to go to the GP in the first instance, who should then refer you to the appropriate specialist.

If you’re anywhere near central Scotland I can easily recommend a few. I’ve had similar experiences with friends and relatives and there’s good help out there.

All the best to you all and keep strong yourself as this will have a effect on you too.

Oh dear. That does sound terrible. I have no real advice, unlike many others on here who always have great advice for this kind of situation.

The one thing I would say (and it’s what you seem to be doing) is get professional help. I think when people get themselves into situations like this, it can seem like they are overwhelmed by it all, stressed and there is no way out that they can see.
A professional will be able to advise on the right path & it might be that your Wife will listen to a GP about the workload, where she won’t listen to you – as you are not ‘a professional’. This is what my Wife is like – I can give her advice about things and she won’t believe/listen to it, but get the same advice from a ‘qualified’ person & it suddenly becomes the way forward.

I sometimes get the ‘head full’ thing and it really stresses me out, so I feel like I understand where she is coming from….

Best wishes to you both. I hope you get it sorted.

However, she sees seeing the GP as a sign of weakness.

I felt the same. Once I did speak to my GP the sense of relief was amazing and the help that followed has been invaluable.

It took me far too long to speak to anyone, and in hindsight that probably cost me my marriage. I’ve seen it cost people even more.

Email in profile if you’d like any more thoughts or experience from me.

By coincidence we had a music teacher apply for a job here the other week in a predictable routine work role. Main reason for leaving teaching was the stress. She’d had months off with stress-related illness but realised she had to quit

Good luck and all that

Go with her to the Gp, Mental illness is no diff from turning an ankle whilst running – both need treatment
She also need to tell her boss, as she is going to do no good in the long run if she doesnt get things sorted now and has to take and extended period off further down the road

Be there for her and good luck

she would go to the doctor for a physical ailment that was so debilitating, so mental issues should be no different

This. Above all, there should be no shame at all in have any sort of mental difficulties. Your wife should probably see the GP first, then talk to her management on the basis of whatever she is told by her doctor.

If she is reluctant to talk to her boss, is it because she does not have faith in the institution to understand and support her properly, or that her good reputation would be diminished? If this is the case, would it be worth her while talking to her union after the doctor so that she at least has ‘allies’ in the system?

Whatever she does, and whatever more you do, stick by her, and well done for raising it here. I hope that doesn’t sound patronising, but when someone is facing a dark time, the light cast by throwing open the windows and doors is often the first step in getting through it.

Best wishes to you and Mrs Lunge.

what the hell can I do?

The absolute best thing that you can do is offer her unconditional support.
Don’t judge. Do NOT tell her to WTFU / pull herself together / just get on with it.
No matter what, tell her that it’s going to be OK regardless of what happens along the way.
Encourage her to seek assistance from GP’s / counsellors.
Understand that her perspective on the world is very different to yours. What would seem like non-issues to you are building up inside her head to huge proportions. She can’t help it.
It’s not rational, she knows that but she is in a place where she is powerless to control those irrational thoughts.
She probably isn’t coping as well at work as she’s been telling you. She is trying to fulfil what she perceives to be your expectations of how she should be doing. She’s tryin so hard to hold it together that her grip is tiring.
Imagine hanging onto a branch, high above a precipice. The more you panic about letting go, the tighter your grip on the branch becomes and the more tired your hands get. So you desperately grip tighter and become even more tired. it’s a downward spiral. Give her the opportunity to let go. Let her know you’ll be there to catch her.

These things are what my wife did for me . It helped. A lot.

Best of Luck

Sorry to hear about your situation. What about some Mindfullness?

would be handy to know the level of pressure/support she is getting at work.

She says her “head is full”

I know that feeling, and there’s so much to do you don’t know where to start, so you don’t..

If she is reluctant to talk to her boss, is it because she does not have faith in the institution to understand and support her properly, or that her good reputation would be diminished?

Or is it that she sets herself such high standards/goals, etc that she’s having trouble meeting them?

Mostly been said really but I went through the exact same experience with my Wife suffering from PND.
Going to the GP is not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign that you have the strength to tackle an often misunderstood and maligned condition.
Once we’d made that first step the whole situation changed so much for the better we only regretted not doing it sooner.
Good luck.

My wife had a similar issue a few years ago and I would second all that has been written above.
I’d also like to add not to be reluctant to take any medication that is offered. People often wish to recover “without resorting to drugs”, but my wife found it a real help to get her head straight before dealing with the underlying issues.
Also, make sure that employer and union, the later particularly, are up to speed.
It sounds like you’re doing the right things. Good luck.

APF

She’s always been a strong, fiercely independent

That could also be part of the problem perhaps; with regards to not wanting to go to a doctor, taking her job too seriously etc.

Depression is an illness – GP knows how to treat it, or at least point you at somebody who can.

Tell her that you love her
Mean it
Tell her that you are there for her
Be there for her
Tell her that you don’t demand anything of her
Don’t demand anything of her
Tell her you love her again
Listen. Listen lots, even when she doesn’t have anything to say.

Rachel

Sounds all too familiar but like me she sounds like she has someone to help which is the main thing.

Tell her you love her and get her to a GP

You have my sympathy. I think I experienced similar with my wife, pre-marriage, and it really takes it toll on both of you.

I’ll describe our experience but needless to say doesn’t mean any or all of these will apply to you.

~ 2009/10 My wife was a few months into her second teaching job, secondary school. Her NQT year was a joke with a really un-supportive head of department and mentor so she moved after that first year. In her new job she placed an enormous amount of pressure on herself because she wanted to get it right the second time. She did really well initially but a few months in she started to feel a bit down. I had met a life coach who she went to see and was trying to bring out her inner tiger but soon after she went to the doctors about something unrelated (a sore throat I think) and ended up coming home signed of work with stress which made her really upset. The Dr was really understanding and had been through it herself which helped. Her headmaster and colleagues were supportive also which helped, though I asked them to give her a bit of space for a bit.

She was prescribed anti-depressants which we were both a bit reluctant about but it started to give her mind some breathing space and really helped. She was also enrolled on self esteem course which was okay but the real turning point seemed to come from starting CBT therapy. She was diagnosed with a few traits to work on, one of them being perfectionism, and came out of it feeling much better and some tools/techniques to use in the future.

She came of the tablets but against my wishes did it without consultation with the doctors. She was keen to put it all behind her and forget about it. That also meant forgetting all the techniques she had used and not using them again. I can understand her wanting to forget about the experience but it was at the expense of learning the lessons about herself that could help in the future.

Good luck!

Get her to speak to someone at work- it may be easier speaking to someone who will have similar experiences, and very often you will find people are feeling the exact same, especially in the teaching profession.

Is the “no kids” a choice? Possible/not possible, want/don’t want. I have no idea where I’m sitting but that’s the only thing that struck me. Primary school teachers often have lots of their own – my sister has three and all of junior’s primary teachers had kids even if it had meant adopting.

GP first port of call really. Key is to get some counselling, not the drugs. I’m not a fan of relying on the drugs and some of them have strange side effects, including causing depression and suicidal thoughts!

There are other resources outside of seeing a GP, such as Mind. I know that can be off-putting as it’s about mental health and people don’t want to associate stress, anxiety and depression with mental health. They can help you just talk about issues and advise little changes in your life that could help a lot.

I’m surprised the exercise with running and the gym doesn’t help. Or maybe it does but not enough. Exercise is a massive benefit to mental health. Though if it’s more a case of a desire to be fit and cramming in gym sessions between the rest of the daily pressures then it might not help. Likewise putting pressure on yourself with time targets and entering races may not be good.

Fixing some time to get out into the countryside and walk, run or ride bikes without targets or pressure may be better.

That’s all I can add to it really.

On the medication side, she sounds to be in a bad way, so I would have an open mind about that. Sometimes they are needed for short-term bouts of depression and anxiety.
And of course tell her you love her – even if you don’t get much of a reaction from this, it can actually do a lot of good.
Be open and honest with the GP, they see this all the time, and will help get you through it.
Best of luck.

Good that you’re going to the GP, but it’s also worth investigating psychotherapy as GPs can be very limited in their knowledge, understanding and resources when it comes to mental health. They’re also sometimes too quick to resort to medication. In terms of therapists, it might be necessary to pay for a private practitioner as NHS waiting lists are probably obscenely long. If you do go down this route, choose carefully as there are good and bad therapists, just as you’d expect. Also, don’t necessarily opt for the more fashionable quicker fix of CBT: long-term counselling might be a better bet and is a very different approach to CBT. Check for properly qualified and registered practitioners whatever you do, but don’t assume they’ll be great just because they’re registered. Best of luck and don’t give up hope – there is some excellent help available.

Get her to the docs – there is a form you fill in that they give you ranking things like sleep, stress, suicidal tendencies etc. – they can get some indication from the scoring system on the form, even without her having to do the full sob story to the GP if she doesn’t feel the need to do that just yet.

I would also say try to stay away from the drugs, I am not denying they work or that they are useful for some. My worry is once you are on them it is very difficult to get off of them. Also, as has been said, mental health/illness is, or at least should be, no more shaming than a physical illness and we really need, as a culture, to start seeing them as one and the same. The brain is an organ like any other part of the body and things can go wrong or get puched to the limit. I think we too often separate our conscious with the organ that creates it and the body that organ is connected to. To think that some how not being able to cope when you have loaded yourself with too much is a weakness is wrong. I think like our bodies our brains can only take so much.

Also, OP I really applaud you for discussing it. Although I wish these things didn’t need that kind of recognition and it was a normal thing to discuss.

I very openly discuss, my recent occurrences of panic attacks and clinical anxiety. Which I think is due to work. I often find the moment I mention it one or two other people are having similar experiences. Its not that uncommon.

I hope you and your wife find a good way to help treat the problem. I think some form of counselling would be useful as a start.

My Wife is a teacher and we’ve been very close to your situation a couple of times.
She did go to the doctor each time which was pretty helpful, however she didn’t want to take the meds which were prescribed.

The first time was when our eldest daughter was very small – she walked out of a head of dept job at Christmas (due to ridiculous work pressure) and took a £10k demotion to normal science teacher at a different school.

The second time was after our second daughter was born – quite bad PND, probably triggered by a horrendous delivery.

I’d say you need to speak to your GP, and you need to speak to the school/her boss.

Good luck – This is fixable with the right support.. as others have suggested, think of it as a bit like a broken bone – needs support + understanding from GP+Boss, but in time it’ll heal and you’ll be back to full strength.

Gotta be worth having a god at some mindfullness/meditation before a trip to the docs.

Who knows, might be all she needs.

I’d also recommend some inspiring books about relaxing/not giving a shit about stuff/CBT, but unfortunately I don’t know any.

I would say, from a very novice view point, although my wife is a therapist, I have had therapy and I have known other therapists, that your wifes strength could be her Achilles heel at this moment. Again, I very much realise that could be a rush to judgment. Her strength is admirable, it really is, but I think she might need to be a bit kinder to herself, just at this moment. Whilst she gets her spirit back, which I am sure she will.

Sorry Dogmatrix, but you’re talking crap about not taking ‘the drugs’!

I’m currently on ‘the drugs’ and these things do help but it is a case of finding which drugs work.

They help by giving you some stabilisation in your thought patterns, helps to stop rumination (going over and over things) and generally help level out your mood, anxiety and stress.

Yes, there is an issue coming off them, but the same can be said for any other drug. It’s a case of weaning yourself off them with the guideance of your GP.

I’m on and off these drugs ‘Citalopram’ in my case every autumn to spring, and so far have had no problems. If things get tough, you just up the dose for a while and then try again. They DO NOT turn you into a wide-eye crazied schizo psycho, if anything they stop you from becoming that.

Also, if your GP is rather dimissive or dis-interested and you feel like they aren’t taking it seriously, find another GP. And keep looking until you find one.

I am fortunate to have a fantastic GP. She takes time to listen and you are under no pressure to get out in 5 mins. Down side to this is i’ve been left sitting in waiting rooms as she’s over running with other patients but I accept that because there are others who need her help too.

runs the entire maths curriculum for the school and is has been picked to be one of the lead teachers in the school for the quality of her lessons

This could be the issue because and

She won’t take time off work

Whilst the GP is important to see she will need to address the root cause of the problem. It maybe she lacks the ability to delegate and manage the work load. This drives a fear of failure that manifests itself as not taking time off or calling oneself a perfectionist. This seemingly hard work ethic often hides these types of problems. They often work long hours and work very hard. She should speak to the head of the school and discuss this and get help and mentoring otherwise the help provided by the doctor will just mask the underlying problem.

This will be the very thing she wont want to discuss with the school.

I would suggest that as a first step a thyroid function test would be a good idea. Don’t accept being told that her levels are ‘fine’ or ‘in range’, the NHS would rather leave sufferers ill due to the stupid guidelines. You mentioned her gaining weight which I why I’ve suggested this.

How long has this been going on for ?

Long shot and I’m being serious…

Could she be in the family way ?

This was pretty normal both times when we were pregnant( not me but wife) only lasted a few weeks though.

Good luck sir and this is a great place to air off your worries etc.

How long has this been going on for ?

Long shot and I’m being serious…

Could she be in the family way ?

This was pretty normal both times when we were pregnant( not me but wife) only lasted a few weeks though.

Good luck sir and this is a great place to air off your worries etc.

I’ve seen the demands of teaching do that to some great teachers. In my view it would be wrong to medicalise it and treat the self rather than the circumstances. However, you do need to develop some strategies to get it out of your system.
I got by with plenty of cycling, surfing, shooting and rigorous forms of recreational relaxation. Having said that, Gove and his policies got the better of me and I retired early 18 months ago having had a complete gutful of nonsense after a successful career (HoF).
I’m now back doing a maternity cover as a favour in a wonderful college, it’s the best job I’ve had out of 8 institutions in two countries since 1979. When this jobs ends I will stop but the point is there could be much better jobs out there, don’t go down the route of blaming the victim and filling yourself up with doctors’ drugs.
Having just looked at my recreation patterns (I could have added rock climbing to the list), they all involve flow and complete distraction and absorption, not just looking at someone’s arris or a telly whilst you endure pain in a gym on a bike that takes you nowhere (that would depress me).

The problem is that often owning up to struggling with a workload and being stressed is seen as a sign of weakness. However, as soon as she acknowledges this stress to her senior leadership team or head, then they must act over this, otherwise she could potentially go off with stress for 6 months, with is career suicide! The school will have to act upon this, and alleviate some of the pressure.

However- her doing this depends upon the quality of the slt and head- if they are good, they will do all they can to help her and keep her.

It may not help, but my gf went to the GP recently about her moods, and feeling very up and down, and he recommended this book; http://www.amazon.co.uk/Chimp-Paradox-Management-Programme-Confidence/dp/009193558X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1453381694&sr=8-1&keywords=chimp+brain

It may not help her, but might be worth a go.

Went through very similar symptoms with my girlfriend, especially the morning thing. She felt – with no real pattern – a ‘dread’ at having to go to work – even though she loves her job and the people she works with. There was no rhyme or reason to it. Eventually, after the frequency of morning episodes increased it took a small melt-down for her to see the GP and take some time off work – only a short period and her company were very supportive. Went on meds and has stayed on them, a much smaller dose these days. She attended 1-1 private counseling for a short period, I guess I’d look at this now as an emergency measure. She attended a GP prescribed group counseling course a while after this. Both helped in different ways.

All of the advice I could give has probably already been said. All that I’ll add is don’t try to hide anything and don’t spend any time or effort looking for a cause. Be kind to yourself and just look for an effective way of ‘coping’ (sorry this doesn’t really seem the right word) with it.

RM.
Edit: Forgot to mention if she’s a reader then this book might help.

You are all very, very kind, it’s threads like this that I release how wonderful people on this place are.

Anyway, to answer a few questions:
No plan to go with her to the GP, she’d never let me even if I wanted to.
The reluctance to speak to her boss is, I think, the fear of showing weakness and shows she’s not coping, combined with not knowing what she’d want from the meeting. She won’t get fired because of it, but as soon as she goes there it becomes “a thing” and so she needs to think about what she’s talking to him for and what the ideal outcome of the meeting would be.
Mindfulness hasn’t worked, she used HeadSpace when she first had the odd day for a few months and it made no difference to her.
Little or no help at work, as with most schools, once you get to a certain level the feeling is that you know what you’re doing so are left to it. This is almost certainly the root cause of it IMO.
No kids is entirely her choice, albeit one 100% supported by me. Pretty sure none on the way either, this was my thought and the pee on the stick suggested not.
The exercise does help but she’s just lost her drive to do it, when she does she feels better, she just can’t get out of bed to do so. I’m pretty sure this is what has caused the weight gain (we’re not talking much here mind you).
Steve Peter’s book has been on my list to read for a while so I’ve just bought it, has to be worth a shot.

Thank you all again.