Death of a parent and the effects on children

Hello all,

Not a terrific post this one, but hoping that others experiences or opinions may be useful.

Last night my brother tragically died whilst running on the hills near Ramsbottom, by all accounts it was quick and he wasn’t on his own, so i can take some comfort and acceptance in that along with he was doing what he loves.

What really hurts is that he leaves a wife with three children. They range from 8 – 15. Obviously i’ll be there to guide and love as much as i possibly can. Does anybody have an experience on how children can react to this and how best to help them the grieving process (which i understand will take years)? I expect the schools are quite good at offering support and counselling etc? Should i look at private therapy as an addition?

The eldest two are my main concerns as they’re quite ‘closed books’ and it’s difficult to gauge what they are thinking at the best of times and i don’t really want them going off the rails. I also appreciate that the reaction to losing a father will be traumatising for them, so unsure what to do for the best to be honest.

If anyone has any experience with losing siblings etc, if you’re happy to talk about it, i’d be grateful to hear what worked, what didn’t, any suggestions to approach how to see how they are coping – i don’t have children so am hopelessly lost in an approach other than asking the usual trite questions.

Thanks is advance all.

Sincere condolences, that must be awful.  I have no relevant advice re the children, but I’m sure others will. This is a great place at times like this. In amongst caring for others, remember to be kind to yourself. Big hugs.

My sympathies go out to all of you at that must be a devastating time.

I’ve got no direct useful experience,  but I do know, as it’s Children in Need time, that there are charities and support groups for kids to help them through terrible times like this.

I’d also say that you and their mum need to get support as well, you can’t be there for others if you aren’t dealing with it yourselves.

Sorry for your loss.

You might find some useful information here – https://www.childbereavementuk.org/

As above – there are lots of services available out there, from places like Child Bereavement UK to more local charities (I am in Yorkshire and there is a local one called Just B, but they only serve Yorkshire I believe). But certainly reach out somewhere, anywhere, to get the ball rolling.

Saying that, children can sometimes be surprisingly resilient but it is goo that you are thinking of them already when you are clearly going through hell yourself – so don’t forget about looking after your own mental health in the coming days and weeks.

Really sorry to hear your news, sorry for your loss, the two charities below may be of use (or able to point in the right direction):

https://thecouragefoundation.uk/

https://www.thenewnormalcharity.org/

I think younger children can be quite matter of fact and resilient – teenagers its maybe harder.  However everyone reacts differently and has different needs.

the key thing for you is to be able to talk about it all.  Too many folk shy away as they do not know what to say so say nothing.

Professional help yes – certainly and remember the key thing is the relationship between the counselor and counselee.  don’t be afraid to try a few folk.

Myself ( obviously different circumstance) I had a couple of hours in the immediate aftermath then a bunch more 18 months later.  It takes a couple of years generally to be able to process things to start to look at the future.  5 years is often quoted as a time span to get back to normal function

In grief your higher brain functions shut down to protect yourself and certainly I found some of the worst was as my brain opened up again and thus let the black in.  In hindsight I was functioning very poorly for many months

Don’t push the kids particularly if they are “closed books”  Be open to them and let them come to you.  Having their trust is really important and let them set the pace.  Suggest, be there but don’t push.  Don’t fuss over them

Don’t forget the practical stuff for your sister in law – simply getting meals to them, helping with all the shit paperwork, cutting the grass etc can be a huge help.

I can only try to imagine how it is for them

~good luck – as others have said look after yourself as well but you have a role to play here in easing things for them

I am so sorry.

you sound like an amazing uncle for thinking of your nephew/s and niece/s at this difficult time.

Not much I can add to the excellent advice given above. Use STW whenever you need to chat.

massive hugs from bunnyhop x

I have nothing to add other than to echo what bunnyhop said.

Sending love and hugs to you and your family. Xx

My dad died when I was 19, he had been ill for 6 months so it wasn’t out of the blue but still a shock when it happened

The thing I remember most from the period immediately after he died was the sheer awkwardness and embarrassment I felt dealing with it all, talking to relatives and friends, telling my work colleagues etc etc. I was just 19, I was suddenly in a situation where I was immersed in a huge emotional wave coming from different directions and appearing in different ways and styles. People were struggling with the news themselves, and I had no idea how to handle it or them. At that age your only experience of death is almost certainly via tv drama or films. Neither of which bear any resemblance to what you are experiencing or real life.

I didn’t know if i should be visibly upset, distraught, stoic, relieved or whatever, and to be honest I didn’t even know if I felt any of those emotions anyway. I just wished it wasn’t happening.

Looking back from 35 years later, I had no male role model in my life from then and I think I searched that out in the following years, and one way or another I filled in the various gaps in my life that I probably  would have learned about from my dad. I got obsessively into sport, and excluded relationships for 6 or 7 years. When I was eventually heartbroken when the next relationship inevitably ended, it released the grief that I had suppressed for many years. Finally nearly 15 years later I took some counselling and finally got to confront the elephant in the room – I felt guilty that the last conversation I had with my dad wasn’t a good one.

In a second the counselor said something that completely destroyed my guilt and I left the session a new person. I honestly thought I would take that secret to the grave, I was mortified by it and when it came out of my mouth it was essentially my subconscious talking. How she got it out of me I will never know. After the tears had subsided, she said “you don’t need to come back again”,  and I didn’t.

I wish id known it was alright to feel the way I did when he died – no one was judging me, they were all wrapped up in their own grief. I was 19 ffs, how was I supposed to know how to deal with it all?

It’s inevitable that your path in life will be affected by it, it’s one of the biggest events that will occur. But that’s ok, acknowledge it.

Talking to a counselor is great but it has to be the right time and only they will know when that is.

For the OP id just say be there for them if they want it. I hated the false ‘family time’ that we inevitably went through in an effort to heal, it just felt ridiculous and put pressure on me. We didn’t do anything like that before he died so it just felt completely weird.

I don’t know how you let a teenager know that you are there if they want to talk. My counseling experience took 18 hour long sessions, and 17.5 of those were dancing around the crux and building trust. I see that now.

Let them know it’s ok to feel whatever it is they are feeling, all of it, good or bad

Best wishes

Terrible news and I’m not sure what to say.

You’ve suffered a personal tragedy too so try not to lose sight of that whilst being an evidently amazing uncle and brother in law.

My deepest condolences my friend and we are all here for you.

Sorry for your loss & especially how it might affect his children, they’ll more than likely all react differently, one may find the charities input useful another may not, all you can really do is be there for them & your sister-in-law and as above help out with the practical things when you can but look after yourself too.

My ex wife lost her dad at 9 & her mum at 16, we married young & weren’t equipped to deal with her resulting issues but counselling did help her.

Hi OP.

I’m sorry for your loss. It’s very sudden and people, including you and your SiL and the kids are left reeling.

I’m happy to share my experiences, having lost my dad to a sudden heart attack when I was 14, going on 15. It might be useful input, might not.

You can reach me at my username @ gmail.com

Again, I’m sorry for your loss – look after each other.

dd

Sincere condolences.

These people are amazing, I had some involvement with them as a corporate charity partner years ago

Winston’s Wish Homepage

Had a message informing me of this thread, please accept my condolences. Some really good advice given already which I would listen to, particularly dealing with your personal grief too.

I have unfortunately been subjected to varying deaths as have my children and have dealt with all manner of grieving. Most people here know of my situation as I have openly shared in the hopes it would help others going through their own issues and difficulties. I can definitely offer some advice from my experiences and perspective and hope that I could help in some way too.

My email address is hoodahell AT hotmail.co.uk if you’d like to privately talk. Please feel free to message if you’d like and can exchange numbers/WhatsApp or whatever you’d like to do, but can take it from there.

So sorry to hear and my deepest condolences. Unexpected death isn’t really any different to expected death. When it happens it’s a terrible shock. My father died aged 29 when I was six and my sisters five and 18 months. The middle sister subsequently died leaving four children aged 6-14 when she was 48. Two generations of child bereavement.

I will say that children are resilient in a way that adults are not. They also tend to be somewhat selfish. I always thought “who would look after me?” if our mother died. What it did, was make us three siblings and my mother very close. My sister’s children are also very close to me, and I have tried to be the best uncle. Telling them “they are a quarter me” makes them laugh nervously, but actually, what they like is the endless stories about their mother. And they will all want your company, your brother, their dad, was part of you after all.

So talk about your brother, keep him alive to them. Don’t bother asking how they are. They’re feeling rubbish! As will you be. Just do things with them and talk about him to them. In my case, me and my sister were very similar in look (stubble apart), whereas my nephew and nieces look very different (their father is Indian). On a practical note: I went to many of their significant school events especially when younger, and I see them several times a year (they are not local), have looked after them when their father has been away. We are very close and chat on WhatsApp. Two are at Uni now, and the others at home with my brother in law. It’s now eight years since she died, and it does get easier. All of them have grown up well which is testament to their father. Just be there for them, take them out occasionally, you do add a different angle.

And I am a supporter of Winston’s Wish, although there was little when I was a child. Schools are much better set up to deal with parental bereavement (it’s more common than you think), and now have policies and practical things they can do that were never there when I was a child. Feel free to message me.

To lamp – take up those offers of help.  Folk who have been in the situation have insights the rest of us lack ( me included)

Christ that’s rough.

I have little to offer beyond what others have already said. What I will say is, there is no “right” way to grieve. If the kids internalise, or cry a lot, or whatever, give them space to do that.

And the same applies to you. Everyone is strong right up until the point they aren’t, don’t overlook your own self-care. If you need to go to pieces for a little while before you come out swinging again then so be it and don’t you dare feel guilty.

I’m so sorry for your loss and you have my deepest sympathies. My nephew and niece were both in their early teens when my older brother died in his mid thirties. They didn’t get the help and support they needed and it still impacts them to this day. You already seem like you’re trying to put things in place to help.

I wish I could offer more advice but I can’t unfortunately. I was too much of a mess to be of use to my brother’s kids. I was young and due to my brother’s ex hadn’t seen his kids for a while. The fact I couldn’t be there for them is one of my biggest regrets. You’re doing more than I did and all I can offer is don’t forget to look after yourself.

Take care.

THere are people who are not counsellors who can be very helpful, at least there are in cases of suicides. These are people who have gone through the same situation having lost a close family member to suicide, the club no-one wants to join.

They don’t dop ‘counselling’ but they do let you talk with someone who has gone through the same and can help with practical stuff and help explain what is likely to happen and how you might feel about stuff. Simply being told that it is fine to feel cold and alone and also angry rather than being expected to just be sad. You are not strange to dread going to the supermarket because there are lots of people and someone might say something quite harmless that makes you collapse into tears. Also stuff like how to find someone to mow the lawn or fix a dripping tap or get a car serviced without being treated like a silly little woman.

Less for the kids and more for the adult but if the adult is holding their shit together it can really help the kids.

Really sorry to hear this.

Try this charity it has been set up by Andrew Straus (Ex-England cricket captain.) His wife died and left him and children behind. He’s a genuinely really nice guy and I hope his charity can help.

https://ruthstraussfoundation.com/

I lost my Dad at 11, its an odd thing really growing up and even now ill still get called his name.

30yrs later still miss him, and im quite jealous of folk who are riding/going the pub etc with parents.

All i can say is be there and support, not replace.

Condolences from me too. I was 9 when my mother died, my brother was 18. She had been ill for a long time so it wasn’t unexpected, which undoubtedly played into how we all grieved. Looking back I’d say that young children are surprisingly resilient, and older children need the opportunity to talk but left to do it when they’re ready. What I never appreciated at the time was how hard it was for my father and how great he was at keeping everything together (my brother left home soon after, he changed jobs and we moved house). We got on with things and made it work. We had a lot of help from friends and the local community, which helped enormously, particularly around the beginning/end of the day when he was at work. The only thing I have a remaining regret about is not being given the choice of attending the funeral (for reasons I can understand my father thought I shouldn’t go, but I was never asked). I would also add that even though younger children can be resilient, there can still be times later on (teenage years) when grief resurfaces.

Many condolences.

It’s mentioned above, but at some point mum should speak to the school, or it might be something you can offer to do for her. They will likely have different support they can offer, and the teachers (especially in primary where it’s not different teachers all day) see them every day and can keep an eye on them and perhaps flag issues you or mum doesn’t see.

We’ve been through a couple of deaths in my family this year, which combined with some health issues myself led to my son thinking I was dying too. We only found that out from the school, as the teacher had been great supporting him, noticing something off, and was able to help. All teachers are in it for the love of helping children, if they know to help, they’ll be able to.

Also due to the deaths there were children from 3-10 who needed support, the Marie Curie site has some great resources on how to speak to and support children of different ages and the different approaches that can help for them.

My wife passed away 2 years ago aged 47 and our children were 17 and 19 at the time. We were ( are ) a close family and my wife was a fabulous mother. My children had about 4 days from knowing she was going to die to her dying, that was not the plan. Every persons experience is different and every child is different, there has been some great advice already given but I will add that my two both reacted very differently. My daughter was very open and my son very closed but they both declined all offers of counselling from the school and the hospice, they said that if they wanted to talk they had me and their friends. I would say keep close to them and watch for any signs but don’t put any pressure on them to talk or see counsellors. Good luck, but it already sounds like you are doing / thinking about all the right things. And don’t forget to look after yourself, condolences

As a 3 year old in a similar scenario (from a different place and time) I would say talk to them, talk about him and try to help/allow the kids and widow to do the same.

All, thanks so much for your replies and advice, all of a sudden things seems less daunting and less lonely. I’ll be doing some expert levels of research into the above links.

This place can be a great source of advice and comfort sometimes.

Thanks again for your time and for those who offered direct contact i thank you and will get around to doing so.

Sorry to hear this. My wife’s cousin specialises in bereavement conselling for children. She is one of the kindest, most caring people I have ever met. I think it is a paid service, and I don’t know the details, but if I passed on, I cannot imagine anyone else I’d rather have helping my kids deal with it. Here is the link…

https://www.chrisgriefrecovery.co.uk/