Bit worried about my beloved aunt (whom I shall call A), she lives in a small rural community next door to an eccentric, bigger and not-as-elderly woman (hereafter known as B). B moved in probably 12 or 15 years ago and has always been a bit odd, always very nosy, always taking liberties to just walk into the garden and chat to A and Uncle C, both of whom always found B’s incursions a nuisance, and both being of a certain generation they always entertained her. C passed away a couple of years ago, and B’s behaviour has, to my eyes, become increasingly imposing – A offered her a lift to the house she was doing up a year or more back, and that lift became expected straight away, so B’d be waiting for that lift when A came out of the house in the morning.

More worryingly, popped round this afternoon to visit A and learned B is in hospital – she’d become increasingly distressed and shaky over recent week, making lengthy phone calls to A saying she needed help, couldn’t sleep, didn’t know what was wrong, etc, has been showing overtly physical signs of affection, asking for hugs and kisses from A and complaining about loneliness. This is a fairly rural community and B doesn’t drive, only relatives are two sisters, one local and one miles away, so I can understand that she DOES feel isolated. However, she is now calling at all hours and paying visits, just walking into the house without knocking – B says she loved and really misses C (which is just what her widow A needs to hear) and when they discussed B getting a dog or dogs for company, B pleaded with A to give her dog D, who is an absolute legend – A said no way, you’re not having him, again B ran with the whole “but i really love D” thing.

B is currently in hospital undergoing alcoholic detox for the next few days after having a bit of a breakdown on Monday, so it serms like there is a small respite, but I’m concerned about my dear aunt A, who has been having a pretty shitty time of it anyway what with her husband dying and illness and stuff – last thing she needs is a neighbour with fixation issues. I’m worried for her, because I don’t know where B’s behaviour will spread, but also for B, who I’m sure would be mortified to know she’s become a neighbour from hell. Is my aunt in danger and, as always, WWSTWD?

If you’re still reading, thanks and well done!

I would wait for the next sub zero night and pour water over the doorstep and path of B.

I think she needs help, but how do you get help for the neighbour of a relative?

CBA.

Personally, if it were me, I’d have a chat with her myself and outline my concerns. Maybe ask her to limit her visits/calls to twice a week for a while. Failling that you could phone social services and let them know you are concerned for her well being, but budget cutbacks etc I wouldn’t hold out much hope. You could try Age UK (previously known as Age Concern) or similar type charity.

Does Aunt A need a new patio?

You said B had a sister who is local; I would make contact with her (if possible) and say that you’re concerned for B’s health based on what you’ve heard from A. I expect that having a family member checking up on B would be the easiest way to relieve the pressure/stress on A.

If A feels obliged to give B a lift to the house she’s doing up, could she offer to give B a lift every fortnight/month due to “other regular plans” (family engagements etc). Again this would reduce the stress on A whilst not isolating B.

If B is due out of hospital in the next few days would it be possible for A to stay with you for a few days, if you’re off work? It would help A relax a little more and give her time to think.

The last thing you want to do is completely isolate B, both for her health and A’s; if A thinks a downturn in B’s health is due to her ‘shunning’ B she’ll feel dreadful. If the care/comforting of B is spread across more people then B will feel more valued and see more options to discuss her loneliness than just with A.

Apologies for the essay.

First step would be to actually have her doors properly latched so the neighbour can’t just waltz in. She needs to recast the relationship on more equal terms.

The last thing that your aunt needs to end up being the defacto carer of another woman with serious alcohol problems/dementia/whatever. If she has the contact details of a relative then she needs to engage them to help out at every opportunity, and take a step back.

Quite a common type issue we come across with older people. There is only one answer – and that is for A to make her boundaries to B clear.

Anything else is just a distraction to the issue … which I’m assuming A has actually confirmed to you is an issue to her?