Was just going through some old files and found a complaint letter from a tenant who was spuriously trying to claim £600 for cleaning the landing outside his flat after the company I was working for fitted his windows. The guy was a self proclaimed professional shoplifter and recreational junkie and wrote us this after we refused to pay him unless he supplied an invoice from the “professional cleaning company” that he claimed to have paid.

Don’t worry about the details, just go with it. It starts off slowly but picks up magnificently towards the end.

I present it transcribed in it’s entirety  (edited for sweariness) for your amusement and entertainment….

Thursday the 13th ( December 2007)

To the person or persons who took the view of their accountability of being correct.

1. How can you put windows in place and can’t afford a mop??
2. Go on a demonstration of windows to Denmark when the windows “you” choose are going in anyway.
3. Let people clean up after themselves because you do not employ a cleaning company to do the work after your window fitters??
4. The old and infirm are left in the toilets of their own home, simply because you are putting windows in their home. Why??
5. Did you ever ask or take the necessary measures ensuring no unstable, bewildered or mental problem people were taken care of during these improvements??
6. Why is not “one” person in charge of this construction??

7. The percentage of people here are old or f***ed up. Why do you just laugh in their face like everyone here are nothing??
8. Why tell me to get a receipt for the cleaning? I can’t explain fully how I feel towards a few of you people? I night not be bright enough, or indeed, in your position. However, I will not rest until my bill is payed.

It is only a few people involved in the matter. They know who they are! Stick together, they think!

Well, that is fine. I know who they are ( and that is fine)

All I got was lies, lies. We all lie.

And let me say this, I lie. But, I don’t and didn’t lie over the mess you leave and left. End of story.

I know what is coming from the wee English chap. The guy who tells the most lies. Nevertheless, he works here, but I live here!

He really annoyed me with the remark when I said the shute area was really dirty because of the work that had occurred.

He said, this is a public area. Well, go **** yourself back to England. I clean my public area. I clean my house you little **** pig. And I wish you were me and had to clean the landing 4 times after your men with no mop.

If I was violent, I would stick it right up your hole. But, as I am only angry, I hope one day someone does. (and it sticks) Because you think you’re someone you aren’t.

Regardless, life goes on. And Xmas is nearly here. So, good will to all. Hope you have a nice time over the festive season.

Yours Sincerely.

(name redacted)

entertainment ? Means different things to us apparently.

That is borderline poetic.

I can envisage that at an open mike poetry night, being shouted out, interspersed with meaningful pauses.

I read this in Dave Gorman’s voice

Should be “yours faithfully”…

Have you stumbled upon the script from next week’s Still Game?

Wow there’s some real nutters out there!

So did you pay out then?

Didn’t know Rab C Nisbet could afford new windows

Reminds me of the kind of rambling posts that a needy ‘friend’ of mine puts on Facebook.

So did you pay out then?

The lack of an invoice to back it up and the before and after photos which our operatives were required to take in every property just for this sort of eventuality  persuaded me not to.

It was a close run thing though. It was Christmas and i’ve never seen the phrase “little f*** pig” used in formal correspondence before or since. That was almost worth it.

I think I might need to try putting this through ‘Text to Speech’ – could be fun. I’ll maybe try it with ‘Pipe Organ’ if I get a quiet moment later

Also fun is setting the Calculator on OSX to ‘Speak Result’ on your girlfriends laptop then downloading Czecho-Slovakian voice files.

It was Christmas and i’ve never seen the phrase “little f*** pig” used in formal correspondence before or since.

To the person or persons who took the view of their posting this on STW being correct. I now require £600 for the cleaning of the coffee I just laughed over my laptop.

I now require £600 for the cleaning of the coffee I just laughed over my laptop.

Got an invoice? 😉

Is that about £500 plus VAT?

Confessions of a Window-Fitter doesn’t really have the same ring to it.

Let’s see the before and after photos then 😀

I don’t have them any more.

I kept a copy of the letter for posteriority but  not all the backup documents.

They’ll be in the archived job file of a company that I no longer work for.

If you really want to see them I’m sure I can bung the tenant, a professional thief, to go and burgle the place for you.

That looks almost exactly like the emails I’m receiving from my agent in Ghana, a woman who has lost the plot as a commercial agent and is becoming increasingly irrational, conceited and egotistical. She has now landed a job as some kind of agony aunt for a local radio station in Ghana and that really has gone to her head.

I read this in Dave Gorman’s voice

This

A found poem

Definitely needs this playing in the background whilst reading

That reads like some of the incoherent emails from one of my colleagues 🤣

Positively Homeric!

Whom should I invoice for approximately 5 minutes of my time?