Hi all,
So myself and Miss teadrinker have decided to part ways as we wasn’t getting on anymore. These things happen time to move on.
Everything was fairly amicable till the weekend when we, well I brought up finances.
A quick back story, we’ve been living together for 9 years and have 2 wonderful little ones aged 6 and 3. The house is in her name as she had not long sorted it all out from her ex and fixed rate mortgage. Since then it’s always remained in her name and from my point of view she was happy so why change it – we were building a life together etc. We’ve never had a joint bank account or any financial commitments together. Since the eldest was born she had a year on maternity and then left her job to get something local and I’ve been the breadwinner since then. I’ve always transferred her ‘X’ amount every month to cover well life – from bills, food shopping girls etc.
I’ve left the house with nothing but clothes, bike and bike tools. I mentioned at the weekend that I thought it was unfair that I walk away with nothing and she just carries on with life as normal. I’m still currently transferring ‘X’ amount every month since she asked me to move out at the beginning of August and am sleeping on a friends sofa.
I know I need to seek advice from the CA and most likely to legal advice but as you lovely lot are always so helpful I thought I’d post on here. Has anyone been through something similar or know about rights etc?
I don’t know what I’m expecting to be honest with you, it just seems unfair at the moment. My obvious main concern is the little ones and they have been amazing throughout and they are fine and have a roof over their head and continue to have parents that love them, as parents were great together in a relationship not so much? Any help greatly appreciated.

Thanks

IMO ( but when not married legally it may be different) You are entitled to half the rise in value of the house in the time you pai8d half the mortgage.

Thanks TJ.

I should also have added, when we chatted at the weekend she gave me 2 responses.the first being

“My money has always been to pay the mortgage and your money was for general living costs”

and the second being

“if you rented somewhere you wouldn’t expect anything back”

Sounds like she’s laid her stall out then.

Personally, seeing how these sorts of things can go, the bitterness, the fightings, the kids being used as pawns…

Unless you’re talking millions here, I’d be prepared to let a lot slide for an easy split. House prices haven’t been booming in the last 10 years to say the very least, but equally you don’t want to be handing over all your money, leaving you all but homeless.

If I were you I’d offer the house, because it will be hell to try to claim the bit you own, but joint custody, which means no child support.

Rent a place, move on with your life.

I wouldn’t expect anything back. Couldn’t care less if I might be entitled to something I just wouldn’t go for it. Sort out child support and move on.

Nothing to add but sympathy, I hope you find a solution without too much conflict.

Awful situation although perhaps you shouldn’t have moved out until a solicitor had been consulted.

joint custody doent mean no child support.

That is 15% of your net take home each month for the first child amd an additional 5 or 10% for each additional child. this gets reduced when you have the kids overnight…not a daytime

Beener

Fom the content of your OP you’ve made a lot of mistakes, you should really get professional advice to see what you can salvage from the situation.

Yep, lawyer up now!

It’s over. Enjoy your new life.

But for your own sake, and the kids, see a lawyer.

I would say go and see a lawyer, because she may have the best of intentions, but you never know what her friends are telling her to do.

Her point of she paid the mortgage & you paid the bills doesn’t matter – if you didn’t pay the bills, was she going to magic the money out of thin air? It’s a partnership, albeit when things go wrong, one thats weighed to the mother as the main carer of the children, but it’s still a partnership nevertheless.

My arguement would be pay what you have to, nothing more. If that leaves you with more than you expect, use that money to towards your children, not your ex-wife.

Could you move back in?

I’d be straight down the solicitors.

If the boot was on the other foot she would too.

Definitely legal advice needed IMO. A lot of Solicitors will do a free 30mins consultation for immediate advice.

You’re not married, you moved into her existing house. You’ve now moved out and your children need a roof over their head until the youngest is 18 years of age. All of these points will likely have a huge bearing on your future situation. The one plus side is you may have no future financial commitment to supporting her, only your children.

You need professional advice to sort out your place in your childrens’ futures and any financial agreement.

Unless you actually stand up now and establish what is your’s and hers she is very likely to keep pressing for more and more.  That will mean a family practice solicitor.

She’s the mother of your kids so you MAY choose to be generous on top (or not) but do that under your terms or I would predict a very high chance of creeping increasing payments.

As a bloke there is very little you can do (in practice) if she doesn’t let you pick up the kids for example.

Longer term you have no idea what she might do or where she might decide to move.

As someone else said, you don’t know what her friends are telling her, either now or in the future.

On the plus side you’re now free to get your own gaff and start entertaining new ladies. Also you won’t get **** nagged for not doing shit that isn’t important just coz she’s in bad mood. And I hear bicycles look really good in a dining room 👍

Can I ask you three questions What do you want ?  What do think is fair ? and what will you sacrifice to achieve these goals?

Was a great piece of advice given to me by a friend when in the same situation . I was only with my ex for 5 years so slightly different but agreed 3 nights a week access/sleep over with my 2 yo, let her have everything other than my clothes and bike’s.

At 36 I went back and stayed in my mum’s box room forgoing most outgoing and built up my bank to put a deposit down on my own house 14 months later and now 3 years on i’m self reliant in a nice 3 bed where little man has is own room and I have a basement workshop for bikes along with my own taste in furnishing :]

Its tough letting all that go but its been liberating i don’t owe anyone other than my mum shit and me and the boys mother get on well enough and he has the same roof over his head.

Walking away had the best outcome for me .. might not for you but after weighing up the three questions above it was for me.

I wish you the best !

Having gone through this, here’s your starting point.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance decide if you are going to have the kids overnight on a regular basis.

As for the house, can she afford it without you contributing extra money?

Brace yourself for being financially blackmailed “it’s for the children” as she adjusts to losing your money. They don’t seem to realise splitting up with you means splitting up with your wallet.

Bike maintenance in the kitchen is awsome, especially in the winter 😉

Breaking up’s rubbish, but-

My argument would be pay what you have to, nothing more. If that leaves you with more than you expect, use that money to towards your children, not your ex-wife.

this. Life’s short- move on if you can, ride your bike, spend time with the kids but FFS don’t waste it arguing over money. It’s shit at the minute but it’ll get better in time.

As for all the plus sides involving bikes in the house and stuff, well, yes, there is that 🙂 x

So you covered her living expenses, to the point she was able to pay her mortgage by herself? And you’ve been booted out and been told you’ were only ever a lodger?

I’d be moving to **** Thailand mate if that’s her attitude, to work remotely and  go surfing, mtbing, diving and making sure she could never find me and my cash, plenty of other women to knock up. Kids complicate that I suppose – but my guess is that she’s going to make seeing those difficult for you as well, if that is her attitude.

Glad I went to university late and ended up marrying a fresher that I met in my third year. 7 years together and we’re at the point now where we are a tight enough team and feel lie we know each other well enough to have them in a couple of years. I can’t imagine knocking her up having only known her for three.

Depends on what she wants and what else you have but using any portion of the house you may be entitled to against any of your pension you have is often a way to get a cleaner break…

Edited

Did you not bring anything to the party when you first got together? If you did it should be taken into account.

Professional advice would be best at this stage. You should be thinking about what you need to get to a place where you have a dwelling suitable for your kids to stay in (so at least two bedrooms) when they are with you. You are not going to be able to have them overnight when you are just staying on a mate’s sofa. You want to find somewhere soon (even if just renting) rather than having a vague plan for the future if you want to stay engaged in your kids lives – joint custody would be good

Your ex’s position seems unreasonable especially as you are still paying money to her at the moment. Altering her mindset of “the house was mine when we met and I have paid the mortgage ever since” will not be easy though.

Look on the bright side – at least you were not daft enough to marry her – she could then go for “Spousal Support” and you could continue paying her living expenses even if she moved a new bloke in.

“knocking her up”

“plenty of other women to knock up”

Tom_W – this isn’t the 70’s FCOL.

Sorry to here of your break up & more sorry to say that effectively you’ve been paying someone else’s mortgage without agreement in writing otherwise, so with the stance she’s taking even lawyering up will get you nowhere on that front.

Most important thing to do will be to get yourself access/custody to your children especially if you are not married? Best to see a professional in these matters.

My ex & I were able to agree from the very first thing that whatever happens kids come first and it has worked well for both us & the kids over the past 20 plus years – it really is worth noting your tongue on occasions and putting the kids priorities first. Good luck.

Brace yourself for being financially blackmailed “it’s for the children” as she adjusts to losing your money. They don’t seem to realise splitting up with you means splitting up with your wallet.

This ^^^^^^

Kids complicate that I suppose –

Complicate doesn’t even start …. it completely changes EVERYTHING.

but my guess is that she’s going to make seeing those difficult for you as well, if that is her attitude.

As above …

Tom_W – this isn’t the 70’s FCOL

Could have fooled me with Trump.

Ok, I’ll use medical terminology next time  😄

All of the above.

And this is true, if a recent break-up I was close to is anything to go by:

You are entitled to half the rise in value of the house in the time you pai8d half the mortgage.

And whatever she said, you did pay half the mortgage. Or you could ask for half the money you’ve spent on food/drink/utilities/fuel etc.

Couple of things worth bearing in mind that I’ve found out the hard way over the last 10 years or so.

Firstly, and most importantly, get some actual bona fide legal advice (as opposed to STW forum advice). Everyone’s situation is different and only when someone knows ALL the facts can they offer realistic advice. Google a family solicitor near you, now. Your first 30 minute consultation with them should be free, and they should give you a good idea of what’s realistic and practical in your own situation. You don’t need to tell your ex that you’ve done this, and it’s probably not a good idea to tell her anyway, as this kind of thing can trigger the wrong reaction. You also don’t need to act on any legal advice if you don’t want to. But it WILL help you get your head straight on what to do next. Legal advice gave me enormous peace of mind, and didn’t cost me a thing.

Secondly, remember that the reality is that there were two joint incomes funding ONE household… now those same two incomes will need to fund TWO households. So, it’s not rocket science to understand that everyone’s going to have a little bit less to get by on. If you can get her to understand this fact, then that will help. You’re not married, so you shouldn’t be responsible (at all) for her personal finances and she can’t claim any of your pension or future earnings or anything like that. But you will be responsible for finances when it comes to the kids, but that DOES NOT include paying her mortgage. She’s choosing to live in that house, so if she can’t afford the house on her own (because she IS now on her own!), she may ultimately need to sell it. One silver lining is that the mortgage is not in your name, so if she falls into arrears then your credit files won’t suffer the consequences.

Remember, you are NOT responsible for her or that house/mortgage ANY MORE. Don’t set a precedent by paying for something you’re not required or liable to pay for.

Your best option, if you can afford it, may be to get your own place ASAP where your kids can also live… if only part/half of the week.

Which brings me to my third point: 50/50 shared childcare, if realistic, may also be the best thing all round. If care is genuinely shared (in my case we each have the kids 7 nights out of every 14) then there shouldn’t be any maintenance to pay either way, as you’re both likely to be equally sharing the financial responsibility.

However, something else to remember that not everyone is aware of, is that the parent who receives the Child Benefit is the parent who can claim Child Maintenance. What that means in practice is that if your ex receives Child Benefit for both kids, then she could in theory claim Child Maintenance from you even if you had the kids 100% of the time and her income was double yours. She would be deemed the Parent with Care and it would be up to you to prove otherwise, which if you’ve ever dealt with the CSA/Child Maintenance dept is an uphill struggle, whatever your circumstances.

Bear in mind that her friends will most likely be advising her to claim everything she can from you, too.<span class=”Apple-converted-space”> </span>

In my case, I received some fairly threatening phone calls and letters from the Child Maintenance dept as my ex wife handily told them that I didn’t see my kids AT ALL, despite me actually having them at least 8 nights out of every 14 (at the time). They believed her. And I had a right run-around getting proof that I actually did most of the day to day childcare, from the schools, dentist, docs, etc, etc. Using this proof, I ultimately managed to persuade the Child Benefit dept to pay us 1x Child Benefit each. So the next time my ex tried a Child Maintenance claim, I was able to put a counter claim in and the result was their calculations showed that she’d have to pay me more than I was paying her.

She’s not done that again. :o)

Anyhoo, having said all that, if you can sort amicably without getting any of these agencies involved then the situation will be exponentially easier for everyone.

But back to the most important point… proper legal advice. Now.

And, just as an aside, I also learned that this kind of stuff can proper consume you if you’re not careful. So, make sure you’re taking care of yourself – see some mates, get out on your bike, get in the water, whatever. Tire yourself out physically so you’re able to sleep. And if you’re sleeping ok, there’s more chance that you’re thinking straight, too. This is just as important!

Also just remember raking through the ashes of a dead relationship is like sampling this morning’s turd in the hope of recapturing the taste of last night’s steak…

Flush and move on.

Get onto a lawyer, they will be able to advise.

What she has said is her position. As with many things it may have nothing to do with the final outcome.

And be firm with her now, or she will continue to push you further (and still feel like she’s being somehow hard done by.).

I have no idea why you’re still paying the bills when you’ve been kicked out.

I have no idea why you’re still paying the bills when you’ve been kicked out.

Exactly. I hope you have stopped this now. Calculate what you should be paying in child support and setup a standing order for that, make the reference read that it’s for child support. Now if you haven’t done so, go see a lawyer, you are getting done up like a kipper.

Big time empathy for you. It’s not easy. My kids were young when it happened and are now 9&7. It is the new normal for them and I think/hope they are ok. My youngest doesn’t remember me being in the family house which is a hard one. Everything was geared towards me “swallowing it up”. I walked away from a lovely family home with very little. But, I think me and the kids are happier for it.

I pay £650 a month, yet still have to buy shoes etc.

My solicitor was useless, but the confines of the law dictates everything to mum in my opinion.

Saying that, I have my two dogs and a great lifestyle.

The kids will be ok if you work together.

PS. Tinder!