- Bereavement help / support
I know there have been lots of incredibly sad posts lately so sorry for adding to it..
My Mum passed away at the end of October last year. I think im doing ok, but would really like to chat to someone about it. I am an only child and don’t want to worry my Dad (who is facing his own battles) and don’t have any other family close. I also broke up with my ex 2 months before Mum died – really seriously all very bad timing!
Anyway, as all the leaflets suggest, I think I have reached the stage where – because I am getting to work / functionsing / not having a meltdown – everyone assumes I am ok and everything has gone back to normal….
I have had an initial chat to CRUSE but feel a little fraudulent as I don’t want to take time away from people that are really struggling – there is also an 8 week wait to chat to one of their guys.
Just wondered if anyone else had any suggestions? I don’t want to bother my GP as i’m not even sure what I want… I am basically ok, but I guess would just appreciate someone else telling me that!
Any thoughts welcome 🙂Posted 5 years ago
Thanks, but my Dad is really struggling to cope and whilst he has sought help and phones me up to talk to about how he’s feeling, I think it would really upset him – and I don’t want to upset him any more than he is!
I am also realy rubbish at talking about this, hence the stock reply of ‘I’m fine 🙂 ‘ when anyone asks – which to be fair I largely am!
I would rather speak to a 3rd party.Posted 5 years ago
🙁 Sorry to hear that
I am an only child and don’t want to worry my Dad (who is facing his own battles) and don’t have any other family close
Would it worry him more that you didn’t think you could talk to him? It may help you both.
I have had an initial chat to CRUSE but feel a little fraudulent as I don’t want to take time away from people that are really struggling
Again, you’re not fraudulent, you may be an ‘easier’ case for them but that makes you no less worthy of their support.
What about Samaritans? Or even better any family or good friends, either face to face or on the phone.
Sounds a bit (and if you’ll excuse the very mild tough-love stance) that you’re saying “I want to talk to someone, but I don’t want to talk to the people who’d be the best people for me to talk to”
Anyway *hugs*Posted 5 years ago
I think it would really upset him – and I don’t want to upset him any more than he is!
You both/all need to get as upset as you need to, even if that upsets others. There’s an amount of hurt, personal and collective, that needs to be expressed before you can all really start to feel better.Posted 5 years ago
Sorry, I keep thinking of stuff after I’ve posted.
If it were my dad, as hurt as he would be about the loss, he’d be even more upset if I needed a shoulder to cry on and didn’t think he was capable of providing it (as well intentioned as my motives might be).
Him helping you may actually help him.
But, again *hugs*Posted 5 years ago
Hmmm, this is the thing though, I have always been a ‘pull your socks up and get on with things’ kind of person – even now I feel a bit ridiculous that i’m making a fuss on here 😳
I almost feel I just need someone to say ‘yes, you’re doing fine, it’s all normal and don’t worry’. But not me obviously!Posted 5 years agogusamcMember
my mum died last year, I’m also an only child, me and my dad were never great chatters, we now chat every week for at least 1/2 an hour on phone now, and speak so much more when I’m up in Scotland, it’s amazing what you find out. Re ‘don’t have any other family close’, I spent 50 years ignoring relatives but I now have a soft spot for my mums ‘tory, religious’ brother (*family joke), he is a lot verbose but he really has done some really decent things in his varied life, and also has given me a completely new insight into mums life. Also I have spoken quite a lot to mums ‘best friend’ who again has given me some extra insights.
Hugs.Posted 5 years agobruders338Member
Really sorry to hear about your loss as you probably seen i lost my son on fri.
anyway its still really early days for me but i find talking to strangers really helpful, my family are there for me but for some reason i just cant open up but definitely worth talking to your GP.
useless comment really but just wanted to say something.
chin upPosted 5 years agorestlessMember
You can see a private counsellor, some specialise in bereavement counselling and they won’t have long waiting lists.
You can search for a reputable counsellor on places like BACP.co.uk
You are not wasting anyones time, as it is something that is a problem for you, therefore you have the same valid reason for help as anyone else.Posted 5 years agocinnamon_girlSubscriber
Sometimes it can help to write things down but it really depends on if there is something specific that you aren’t getting your head around.
Do you have a good relationship with your Dad? Does he talk to you about how he is/how he’s coping?
I lost my Dad two years ago today and as far as my mother is concerned, he never existed. 😐
People deal with it in all different ways, there’s no right way and there’s no wrong way.
E-mail in profile if I can help.Posted 5 years agobuzz-lightyearMember
Google bereavement counselling and find someone local. The role of a counsellor is distinct from a family or friend because you can say what you feel without risking a close relationship and receive objectivity not more emotional turmoil. I had 12 sessions after my mrs died last year and it was one of many things that have helped me put events into context. When you feel strong you can help others . Good luck.Posted 5 years agoanagallis_arvensisMember
I almost feel I just need someone to say ‘yes, you’re doing fine, it’s all normal and don’t worry’. But not me obviously!
Cant really answer that but what I can say is after my brother died suddenly nearly two years ago I cry like you would not believe about almost anything…. so if you are like that you might not be normal but you are like me……………… make of that what you want.Posted 5 years ago
Hi Sarah. We rode together at northleach on Sunday (trek full sus) & although chatted a quite while on the way round I rather rudely never got round to introducing myself even though I also bought you a drink afterwards in the pub too 🙂Posted 5 years ago
Be nice to get in touch & keep smiling xThrustyjustMember
Hi Miss Notax, I am Thrustyjust from Seloc 😉 Sorry to hear about your sad times. I lost my dad 20 years ago and it is a healing thing but I had someone to talk to with family. I wish I could point you in a direction to someone who can help, but just to say keep your chin up and someone here can help you. Take Care.Posted 5 years ago
bruders338 I am so very sorry for your loss.
Thanks for all the advice guys. I had a chat to a good friend tonight who has helped me see that I would like to talk to someone (a 3rd party) about it – will keep on with CRUSE but also look into speaking with someone sooner than that. I still feel a bit of a fake but hey ho…
My Dad has a lot of support – he is seeing a counsellor and has a great network of friends that he’s happy to speak to about Mum, plus we chat on a regular basis anyway. He is just a more emotional type person, whereas I am like Mum – stiff upper lip and all that…
Thanks all 🙂Posted 5 years agomboySubscriber
Hi Sarah (Mark on the Genesis Hardtail from Sunday), without going into any detail, I’ve been through family bereavements, a series of job losses, long term illness and all sorts of other crap. I’m not trying to play top trumps or anything, my point is that in each case, talking to a professional 3rd party made all the difference.
Sometimes you just need your best mate to talk to, sometimes your Dad, sometimes a BF/GF/Husband/Wife. But if you get to the stage of giving the “I’m fine” response to everyone when they ask how you are and you know you’re not fine (been there, done that, bought the T shirt), then it’s time to talk to someone else. Being able to unload all your problems on someone who doesn’t know you and won’t judge you in any way can make the world of difference!
If you go to your GP, they will undoubtedly put you on a waiting list to see someone, but really, if it’s bad enough that you feel you need to do something about it ASAP, I’d investigate going the private route too…Posted 5 years agowhattyreMember
My ex had some un sorted issues with bereavement and she went to this lady..it really helped her at the time…I still think she’s working and not retired..
But speaking to someone would defo helpPosted 5 years agoMartynSSubscriber
You’re his daughter.. He’s going to want to know how you’re doing.
there’s a massive amount of good will and great support on here when it’s needed, just bung a post up if you feel you want to
Don’t feel like a fraud if you go to see a pro.. It might only be one session you need, but if you need it.. GoPosted 5 years agoTPTcruiserSubscriber
There may be specialist help local to you.Posted 5 years ago
Ms TPT lost her mother last November and among others has spoken to a local charity, Cavendish.
No matter how much support, at home or away, there is always some avenue or aspect that may find the right words at the right time that allow you some measure of comfort.KarinofnineMember
Sorry for your loss x
My experience is that people expect to feel sad on bereavement but often feel happy/relieved/guilty/angry too and then feel bad for not feeling sad.
We all deal with things in different ways so don’t try to be ‘normal’ – there’s no such thing anyway. I’ve found the Samaritans very helpful, you can say whatever you like without being judged.Posted 5 years agorshaulMember
sorry to hear about u losing ur mum miss notax,u seem to be dealing with it the way i did when my dad passed nearly 5 years ago and just getting on with things.seemed to me at the time that it was the best way to go and thought he wouldnt want us all just to stop our lifes to grieve
dont think iv ever really properly dealt with it but i get on fine and just think of him fondly every so often.
such a hard thing to accept that one of ur parents just isnt with u anymore
we worked together and as much as i think im ok with it all after 5 years it still gets me when i speak to an old customer who we did a job for and they didnt know about him passing
theres no textbook way of dealing with it,everyone is so differentPosted 5 years ago
u will know in ur heart what is right or wrong for upacef8Member
Good on you for admitting your human and not bottling it up. Also a thank you to the helpful advice offered by all riders here.
My partner lost her dad after a slow decline who she was very close to.
I lost my dad who wasn’t much cop and consequently i didn’t even go his funeral.
What i,m trying to say is that you should cherish your memories and be glad that you all get on.
I would say your Gp is the best bet and a bit of counselling, you don’t sound like you need loads.Posted 5 years agogavtheoldskaterMember
some good advice. if i can offer my 2ps worth…
look after your dad. the very best thing to do is get him occupied, asier said than done. the worse thing is for him to sit at home and mope. evenings are particularly bad. thats all based on what happened to my dear old dad after mum died. i wish i had tried harder, and in many ways i should have made him move closer to us. hindsight eh!
for yourself, i can’t really add much to the above except this, and i wish i had some brilliant wisdom to give, but, one little thing… it does get easier.Posted 5 years agohelsMember
My dad died when I was at Uni, was lucky in that had good access to student counselling service. I can understand wanting to talk to third party, sometimes you just need to unload in safe place. I too didn’t want to bother people, but now that I am older and wiser I think that you should bother people. Think to yourself, if a friend asked me to do this for them, and you gladly would, then it’s OK to ask.
I spent hours crying my eyes out in that lady’s office, I am sure it helped.Posted 5 years ago
Thanks again all. I’m really touched by all the helpful posts 🙂
Nice night-ride last night which has made feel me feel tons better today. Escaping on my bike really has been an absolute life-saver for me – it’s the only time I don’t have a million and one things running through my head and can just concentrate on what i’m doing. Bliss…
Cwmcarn Saturday is very tempting but can’t that day i’m afraid. Cake is always especially tempting mind 😆Posted 5 years ago
Well Llandegla is a future meeting up place as you must ride it missnotax 🙂 it has lots of coffee, cake & its pretty decent grub there too, only £4.50 per car to get in for the day, it has great trails to make you leave with a big smile on your face too , Woohoo !! 😛Posted 5 years ago
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