Being disowned by/disowning your family
I don't really have much to do with my family. Not because we've fallen out or anything, but because we weren't really that close and have sort of drifted apart.
My parents live in Spain, one brother has emigrated to Australia and one brother found religion when he got married and is a little bit difficult to talk to sometimes.
After reading this thread I will be getting back in touch with them all, and actually making an effort to go and see them. Luckily, my job takes me to Australia and Spain on a regular basis, so it won't be that difficult to do.Posted 8 years agoMidnighthourMember
takisawa2, thank you for your additional post. I suspect that was quite hard to write out. You deserved way way better than your fathers behaviour.
One of the sad things about mental distress and cruelty is people for some reason view it as less damaging than physical stuf, but it is not. It can scar the whole life of a victim, or you are left fighting against the damage it has done. The 'its only words, you can get over it' phrase is said by people who generally have no real concept of what terrible emotional situations are like, but well meaning, they believe they do. Someone very naievely said further up the page:
"Family is family, it is better to swallow your pride and deal with it then never speak to people again. However nasty, horrible or annoying they are."
Why is it ok to let someone destroy or deeply damage your life just because of a biological relationship – would you accept it from a friend or neighbour? Would you tell a hospitalised wife to go back to her husband each time he beat all hell out of her? There is no difference here in damage levels, you just cant SEE one type of injury.
Someone else said above
"I woke up one morning and realised that it isnt my fault, it was like an epiphany."
And to me that really grasps the reality of so many of the sad situations mentioned in this post. It is not the victims fault. You can walk away. You do not have to go on looking after or caring about family who abuse you or rubbish you, in order to make themselves feel big. If they loved you, they would treat you better. It is not your fault they are not able to love people in a normal way. Be proud of wanting something better for yourself.Posted 8 years agobarca2Member
With hindsight, I wish I hadn't posted my junk yesterday. It wasn't my intention to make anybody sad and I apologise for that.Posted 8 years ago
To be honest, it was a somewhat angry response to what I perceived was somebody elses forgive, forget and love at all costs approach to things and I think my arrogance at being angered deserves an apology to that person so, That Person – I Apologise (just this once mind and never again).
It has had quite a profound effect on me since yesterday though.
I phoned one of my brothers this morning with a made up excuse about needing the solicitors name who dealt with our mum's probate. It's the first time I've spoken to any of them in three years. I'm not even sure why I wanted to talk to him and our conversation was very courteous but absolutely business like.
I'm going to shut up now.joolsburgerMember
Just read all this, my goodness there are some bad people out there.
Both my parents died recently and I can't say I was happy about it, however my brother who I have always regarded as a right bullying bastard and I seem to have found some common ground since. Lifes too short and I understand now that the 10 year age gap was quite hard for him to deal with.Posted 8 years agoBoardinBobSubscriber
okay, I wasn't sure if I was ever going to tell anyone about this, but I'm sleep deprived so i guess I'll just write it now and regret it in the morning
First of all, – just for some background: My mum died right when I was born, (she was actually really, really hot- but this isn't about her. I guess that's f*cked up to say, but whatever.) I actually grew up with my dad's family, because my dad has all sorts of emotional issues and he bailed before I was born. So you can see, my childhood was really kind of messed up.
Anyways, growing up I feel like there was always a lot of distance between me and my sister. When I was about 17 or 18 I first noticed that my sister was hot.
I don't want to go into to many details about it, but basically what happened is that I accidentally found a video that she made of herself. I knew she didn't make it for me- but I thought she was so beautiful that I watched it twice. (probably would have watched it a hell of a lot more, except that like right around the time I found the video, all this crazy stuff went down and I had to leave home. (My dad's family who I was staying with got in bad trouble with the law. I never talk about it).
Sooo… I was totally lusting after my sister at that point. She was also having bad trouble with the law. She was actually in custody when I left home.
My friend and I went to go pick her up. When I saw her that day, after seeing the video, I have to be honest, I just wanted to f*ck her brains out. Looking back on it now, it's pretty messed up- but I think she had feelings for me too. She actually kissed me right after we came to get her… and it wasn't a sisterly kiss, you know? I mean, it wasn't like ridiculously sexual or anything, but it definitely wasn't sisterly.
After we left, we all went to crash with my Sister's friends. On the trip there, my friend sort of implied that he wanted to get with my Sister, and I got a little jealous. He's a good looking guy- and even though she was my sister- I just felt like he was competition. Not much else happened between us for a while except some maybe-sexy hugging.
Pretty much everyone in my life at that point was wanted by the government, so we all moved around a lot. I'm not saying that I'm proud of it or anything, but it was kind of an awesome time.
My friend and my sister never hooked up I don't think- but I thought there was some serious sexual tension going on between them. It was around that time that I got really badly hurt in an accident. It was f*cked up. I almost died. But when I was in recovery my sister came to see me, and out of the clear blue sky she started gives me this awesome, slow, passionate kiss on the lips.
Sadly (although, I guess for the best) nothing ever came of it. We spent some time apart… and I started to get really religious, so I tried not to think of her that way. It was actually going well for a long time- like I was totally over her. But I have to say, like a year or so after all that stuff went down, we were out sailing (not like a date or anything romantic like that), and she was wearing like the hottest bikini I've ever seen and it brought back all the old feelings. Sigh.
A little while later she actually wound up with my friend from before (the sexual tension guy). I can't say I was surprised.
But even after she was shacking up with my friend, there was one time we were at a party… my friend was inside, and my sister and I were outside alone. It was a really intimate moment. I think something might have happened, except that I killed the mood when I told her that Darth Vader was our father and that I had to go face him.Posted 8 years agohungry monkeyMember
was that a star wars reference? sorry…
i was just thinking how lucky i was – things like this 'always happen to other people'
then i realised i've only ever met my aunt once. i don't think my mum knows where she lives, what she is doing etc. afaik my grandparents also have minimal contact with her too – an xmas card at most i think.Posted 8 years ago
i'd be interested in knowing what went on, but its not the kind of thing me and my mum really talk about.Mounty_73Member
Lost contact with my sister, not spoken in years, she just decided one day to stop getting in touch and the rest is history.
Her husband/family are a waste of time and energy, we were all glad to see the back of them….but life goes on and we all have our own lives to live…
Sad in a way but hey ho…Posted 8 years agoPeterPoddyMember
I have only one thing to add to this thread. My mother and her mum were never very close. She was far closer to her dad (who died when I was about 18 months old) and I know she still misses him.
My mum had loads of arguments with her mum, cutting off contact for years at a time, more than once, which naturally affected us kids.
Her mum, my grandma, used to look after me when I was little before I started school, so I remember good times.
She died at home when I was in my late 20s. I'd not seen or spoken to her for many years, because of the rift with my mum. I could have ignored this and visited. I guess I would have been welcomed, but it's not what you think of when you're living 150 miles away and having fun, is it?
When she died her neighbour came to the funeral. She said to me "Ohh, you're Peter, your grandma used to talk about you, she really loved you"
Which, to be honest, effing ruined me. I've never felt so bad in my life, ever. I cried my eyes out for a couple of hours.
So when my other grandma was at deaths door, I went to visit. My dad said it wasn't going to be a pretty sight, and I didn't have to go (500+ mile round trip) and he was right, but I had to go.
I dunno if she even knew I was there, I doubt it, but I held her hand and told her I loved her. She died that week, which was a blessing to be truthful. This time I felt relieved that her pain was gone, and I remember her with smiles and fondness
What I'm trying to say is that, FFS, don't leave it be. DO NOT put off calling for whatever reason. Pick up the phone. Get in the car. Talk. Visit.Posted 8 years ago
If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But at least you won't be left feeling guilty.deadlydarcyMember
On this day the 12th of February, 24 years ago, I watched QPR beat my (at the time) beloved Liverpool on their stupid synthetic pitch. I was studying English poetry at my desk in the study – Mum had relented and let me back in to watch the second half in the kitchen with her, but not with my dad in the sitting room because she knew he'd wind me up too much. It was a Wednesday night – Ash Wednesday as it happens (bigger deal in Ireland than here) but Dad was still going out for his Wednesday night beer with his mates.
He never made it out of the sitting room.
At 49 going on 50, he stood up but fell back down – the doctors said he was probably gone before he even hit the floor.
He left a shocked and stunned 14 year old DD, sister DD and mummy DD behind with not a clue what we were going to do next.
I wish the fecker (who I'd probably have one of those "difficult" father son relationships with) was still around if only for my Mum who has spent the last 24 years with no man in her life apart from a son who gave her sleepless nights until she finally dragged him through Uni and he left home.Posted 8 years agoTheLittlestHoboMember
My mum and dad came to me at 15 and said they were moving to the other end of the country and as i was doing my gcse's and had a steady girlfriend at the time i could stay behind in the house till i had finished.
This may sound like a nice idea but i have resented them every day untill this day for it. I have felt deserted from that day and have never asked them for a moments help even though it has been needed. In return over 20yrs later i get a call every 4-6mths and i once got a set of boxer shorts off them for a present. Otherwise i may as well not had any parents.
Before that i had a great family and my dad was the action hero i always wanted. Army man, family man, sportsman, everything. Then they upped ships and buggered off.
Now i have kids i have made efforts to 'integrate' them back into the fold and to even get them to move back as my other brother is the same, settled with family locally. Not a chance.
I didnt bat an eyelid when my dad announced he had cancer of the bowel about 10yrs ago. Whats it got to do with me?
On the other hand, i was taken in by my girlfriends family and came out of it with far more than i lost imo.Posted 8 years agodavid_rMember
Thought provoking thread. My old man would take his belt off at the drop of a hat, and I'd get a proper ferkin hiding. My mum used to use a cane or a wooden spoon FFS!!
Grew up and at around 15-16 years old, I snapped and on different occasions hit back, requiring both of them to need a visit to hospital with broken bones. That was the final straw really and I was soon kicked out. Still feel shit for hitting my mum. That was a line I should never of crossed.
Fast forward 25 years and we get together for Christmas and my kids birthdays etc, but when I compare how close my family is compared to my wifes family…mine is a joke really.
Pretty sure if I was not married and had no kids, there would be no contact with them. In fact thinking about it now, we never saw them until we had kids.Posted 8 years ago
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