Being disowned by/disowning your family
My wife has no contact with her family at all, except for her Grandmother on her mothers side. This has been going on since my eldest lad was 3 months old. So nearly 6 years. It started when my mother in law stopped coming to visit. My wife tried to find out what the problem is, but her mother wouldn't speak to her. Which must have been a weird phone call. She tried to stay in contact with her (step) sister but she had mad mother pressure and stopped contact too.
They are all a liability and she's better off without the grief. As for her mother, she has never even seen the other 2 grandchildren she has. I've seen her in town and she practically ran from me to avoid the things I would say to her.Posted 8 years agogrynchMember
I'm still close with most of my family.. well as close as we ever were anyway but one brother?… about a year after I moved over here from the states and I found I was making all the phone calls back there I asked this one once.."why do you never phone me?"Posted 8 years ago
I shouldn't have asked
he replied " I felt like I lost a brother when you moved " he said it sort of half jokey but we really havent been the same since.skiMember
I am about to disown my Dad!
His whole life has been built on lies on top lies, sad thing is, it took me to the age of 41 to realize!
Came to a head this week, his actions have destroyed so many innocent people lives. I don't think I will ever forgive him for what he has and is still doing.
Not going to be easy though, Gramp is a big part of my kids life & they are at an age not to understand.
zaskar – Member
I miss them but love my GF more.
I am used to being without the family relatives now.
(Disaproved of my GF for being a different race/colour)
I went through this too zaskar my wife's family are from HK and both family's disapproved when we said we were getting married, took 8 years for her parents to accept our relationship, now though, they are very close.Posted 8 years ago10pmixMember
I haven't seen my sister in 20 years (I'm 36 now) as she decided for reasons unknown to my parents or myself that she wanted no contact whatsoever. No discussion or announcement just one day all contact was lost. And that was that. I went round to her last known address but no joy. My Dad used an organisation to track her down a few years back but they reported back that she didn't want any contact. We don't know what city/ country she is in now. Its a complete mystery why she is like this.
So that makes it quite upsetting but then again I often feel very angry with her given that she is bringing up children who will always wonder about the uncle and grandparents they don't know. Not a great example of a stable family environment to start them off in life. My parents are getting old and starting to sicken and one day I guess I'm going to be sitting at two funerals as the only child while she carries on with her life oblivious to the loss of her own parents. Stupid cow….!
It's her birthday today actually.Posted 8 years agoTi29erMember
My sister has accompanied her partner of 18 (?) years to his father's funeral today.
He's a complete ****t, this we all know, and he severed all connect with his parents, for what reason I'm not privy, some 22 years ago. He was happy to receive a cheque each year for a grand, but never visited them, not in the last 22 years.
He had plans, I'm lead to belive, to go and see them at Easter. Now his father has died in the mean time.
This is not something he can recover now, no patching up the gaps, no making amends. He has to now live with this, as does his mother. My sister will now live, as best she can, with a moody ****t for the next 6 months.Posted 8 years agobinnersSubscriber
What have I done? Good question. It would appear, according to my dad, that the state of the econmony (among other things) are all down to me. According to him, my business going bust and the subsequent disasterous fallout are something I've actively courted. Cos its been a right laugh. I've enjoyed every second of it
Very bizarrePosted 8 years agoalpinMember
"I felt like I lost a brother when you moved " he said it sort of half jokey but we really havent been the same since.
my mum said the same about me moving over to germany. she's not disowned me, but our relationship has changed.
we used to be very close whereas the old man and i were almost always at logger heads.
now i get on a lot better with him and can easily spend two or three hours down the pub.
i've come to resent the way in which my mum lives – with her constant spending, her views garnered from the daily mail as oppsed to having any real experiences, lighting the house at night "because it looks nice" (who the **** gives a toss, they're all asleep!!!), driving everywhere, etc, etc….
she holds a grudge against the GF as she feels the GF has stolen her little boy.
i could go on….
it's her 60th birthday in four days and i've not got her anything because there is nothing she needs (sister said i should get her a 'charm' to go on a 'charm bracelet', but 1) it has no sentimental attachment other than the cost and 2) i think they're really **** tacky). i'll write a letter and send a nice photo, but all the 'nice' photos where i appear happy i'm either out on the bike caked in mud or stoned – sometimes both in the same shot. and i'm not really sure what i should put in the letter….
still love her though.Posted 8 years agomoomanMember
Not had anything to do with my family for about 18yrs now. I guess both sides were too stubborn to make a move at appologizing at first.
As the years have gone by I care very little about the situation. Their loss as far as I concerned. I have my wife and two kids who are doing very good..thats good enough for me.Posted 8 years ago
Sorry to hear about your buisness Binners, like you say, why would you put yourself out of work? Does seem a little unfair of your farther, and I have no Idea what your relationship with him is like, but its a damn shame to let it get to the stage where you dont talk. Give it time perhaps?
I found out my farther did something really crappy recently, it was in the past, I decided I love him anyway and were all entitled to make a mistake.Posted 8 years agoderek_starshipMember
I don't miss the family members who I am no longer in contact with. All they did was criticise my life choices and make me feel bad for the person I am.
lbg – exactly the same for me and I went along with it until I was 34 then realised that I'm ace and they are horrid. Nobody who knows me and my ex-family can believe I came from them!Posted 8 years agohoraMember
Lifes too short to hold grudges.
I always leave the door open to everyone that I have met or am related to in my life regardless of what they say or how they act.
Even the people who have threatened me with violence. If I didn't forgive them I'd hurt them badly. Thats not my style though 🙂
Live with no regrets. Let other people have regrets, not you.Posted 8 years agoalpinMember
having read some of the other posts that appeared in the time it took for me to write mine, i have to say that in no-way is the relationship with my mum so taut. just different to how it once was. we still talk often (too often perhaps) via skype bt face-to-face things aren't so easy. it's the complete opposite with dad.Posted 8 years agoflippinhecklerMember
I have had nothing to do with my family for the past 8 years until recently that is, I heard my father was ill so I picked up the phone and got in touch, we are now meeting for lunch & I took my children over to see him. my sister is the main factor bhind the rift she manipulated a situation all those years ago so my father & I fell out, she has also told my fathers partner of 10 years to leave, so she did. basically my sister is a daddies girl and has traded on her looks and always plays the sympathy card so she has learnt how to pull my fathers strings, he is now 75 ill and alone thanks to her, I suppose her inheritance will make it all worthwhile. My mother is a differnt story.
I found it easier to just stay away cant be doing with all the family polotics as I have my own family to care about,wasted far to many years trying to get them to see my point of view and being angry, now I just let it go over my head and find it realy funny to see mny sister glaring at me or my partner, we just laugh at the situation, although it is sad.Posted 8 years agoMidnighthourMember
I have no contact with any of my family. They were emotionally abusive people. Their idea of a good child was to never become adult and to remain a puppet. Leaving my family was hard, sad and upsetting but it was the best decision in life I have ever made and I wish I had done it years sooner. I wish someone had taken me aside and explained to me how isolated and abusive my world was so that I could get perspective on it not being normal parenting.
One of the most difficult aspects is that if people ask about my family and I say I am not in touch with them, the response is usually something like 'how terrible, you must do something about it, they are your parents after all'. So I get an automatic assumption from people that I am to blame and my parents are wrongly deserted. It feels very unjust.
My mother became physically violent in the end when I would not comply with her unreasonable demands, one of which was to say I must promise her never marry or have children. My dad was not as blatent, but he would lie to me about all sorts of things so that reality was distorted to fit the view of the world that suited him and he did lots to undermine my sister and I, with critical comments. I tried to discuss and negotiate the situation with them in my 20's but my mother told me I was an evil person who must become obedient and my Dad refused to discuss my relationship with him, saying he had better things to do. Saddly the quote here is correct:
"Talking to parents about your personal well-being often does little to no good. Because of the oppressive nature of controlling parents, they have pre-existing opinions that no matter what you say to defend yourself, how right or wrong you are, how good of a person you are…all of it goes out the window. And no matter how much you know you are right and they are wrong, and no matter how many ways you can prove your correctness, it won't matter one bit to them."
There is much more on the internet now about abnormally controlling parents and related mental illnesses they may have. People need to start seperating 'controlling' behaviour from just normal family values and disipline. Not all abuse is physical.
If you are in this kind of world or know someone who is, tell them to learn more (there are not many books, internet is best) and to walk away from thier families. There seem almost no sucess stories in staying with such parents as they are not able to adjust thier behaviour or see it as unreasonable in any form. Hense the mental illness connection. My life is so much better now than when I had contact with them, the difference is amazing.
"What is Emotional Abuse?
Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.
Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.
Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go."Posted 8 years agobarca2Member
I was disowned by my mum when I was 15, I disowned the rest of my family at 16, reintroduced to my mum 15 years later, spat (quite literally) on my dad's grave 9 years ago, my mum died about 5 years ago (passed me by with barely a blink) about to be disowned by my wife and suspect contact with my daughter will be limited and will probably fizzle out to next to nothing as she gets older.Posted 8 years ago
A proper family guy me – bollocks to all of them.
Still smiling though 🙂carlosgMember
Mrs carlos has had no real contact with her mother since 1990 , she had by my reckoning an extremely hard upbringing , cash was in very short supply and both her mum and dad argued a lot and took their tempers out on the kids although her brothers treatment from mum was much kinder
the preferred method of punishment were a 4' cane by her mum and a leather belt(sometimes buckle end)from dad! Her dad treated them both the same and has apologised (in tears while he did it) to the pair of them , her mum refuses to accept anything she did was wrong.
As a 16 year old doing YTS work mrs carlos bought things from her mums catalogue and would pay weekly for them , her mum would tell her dad she hadn't paid then he would make her pay again ,in the end she paid the money straight to her dad so her mum wasn't ripping her off.
these things are literally just the tip of a huge iceberg and a lot of whats gone on i wouldn't put on an internet forum .
When we started house hunting her mum offered to take us round to look at properties then tried to gazump us on the house we bought! that was the final straw and all ties were severed despite her buying a house that was less than 1 minutes walk away. She turned up after 10 years of no contact and asked why we excluded her and was told why then wouldn't admit her faults so was told to walk.
Mrs carlos believes life is better without her and that her mother's the one missing out on our 5 year old son.Posted 8 years agochrissyboyMember
There are some sad stories out there. I guess it all comes back to the fact that you can't choose your families in the same way you can your friends. My Mum & Dad got divorced in the early 70s when I was 5. My Dad had no contact with me or my brother from when I was 12 and my bro was 10. It feels like I missed out on a lot not having him in my life during my teens – it probably made it a lot harder for my Mum too. I reached out in my early 20's and we had a sporadic & strained relationship up until about 3 years ago. It just always felt like I didn't know him – and that the relationship was really hard work on my part. I honestly feel that my life is much more straightforward and enjoyable without him in it – and that my family unit (wife/baby boy/ in laws/mum/etc) is better for it. I do feel that he's missing out on seeing my son grow up, but that my son's not missing anything from the experience.Posted 8 years ago10pmixMember
One of the most difficult aspects is that if people ask about my family and I say I am not in touch with them, the response is usually something like 'how terrible, you must do something about it, they are your parents after all'.
With you there.. I just say I am an only child now to avoid all the "oh what a shame" or "you really should try a bit harder, its family after all" comments.
I should have added that my sister and I had a truly awful upbringing, but then we shared it. What makes me angry is that I have chosen to seek help to deal with it and used it to make me stronger whilst it appears she has decided to punish my parents (and me!?) instead. No matter what they put us through they are my parents and (although I don't see them that often given we have barely two words to say to each other) I will stick with them as one day they will be gone and then I'll probably have regrets.Posted 8 years agoshootermanMember
I don't have contact with one of my sisters. My other sister and one of my brothers feels the same way about her. The other brother tolerates her for limited periods to keep the peace.
I just don't get the imperative to get along with siblings. I would exclude anyone from my life who was making me unhappy so why should I make an exception when that person is related to me?Posted 8 years agodjgloverMember
I have nearly lost contact with my parents, my mother falls into the emotinally abusive / controlling pot. When I told her I was going to be a dad she said, well you'll need a complete personality change, and then said she'd spent all night worrying about the fact I was going to be a parent and couldn't sleep. Recently she came to stay, we have twins and they arrived at bedtime so she got no attention as we were tending to them. She blew up screaming that she should be made to feel more welcome. She even made up abuse by me to her to make me look bad in front of my father. I told her and my father to **** off and get out of my house.
Funny thing is, my dad accuses me of the abuse of my mother, when I ask him what it is he can't give specific examples and he says you know what you are like, when the reverse is true in my mind
Funny, some people just grow into selfish old gits and some people are a bit mental, its a pity they are sometimes related to you.
My wife has't seen her parents since they kicked her out when she was 15. She keeps telling me to forget about them.Posted 8 years agojackthedogMember
Hora, clearly you have been privileged enough within your family upbringing to have avoided ill-treatment at a level strong enough to drive you to extreme measures.
Others in this thread haven't been so lucky, so I suggest that making known your incredulity is innapropriate. I doubt anyone takes or has taken this subject and their experiences lightly, so maybe a bit of sympathy or at least resisting the temptation to judge the actions of others by your own experiences and opinions would perhaps be a little more welcome.Posted 8 years ago
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