Anyone else find having family is a burden….?

Met up with family for the first time in 26 months.

Either I’m the **** up or the rest of them are just over sensitive.

I gain nothing from seeing them and I really don’t know why I bothered in the first place….

**** knows why I’m even writing this..

That’s not family, it’s people you grew up around.

Personally I love my family – just been to Glastonbury with my brother and niece, currently organising more gigs for later in the year with them/my other brother.

It’s not compulsory to meet or like all of them. I haven’t seen my brother in…about 5 years, it must be. And I have no intention of changing that.

Though TBH if you find all of them problematic, then it probably is you, really.

I love my family but 24 or 36 hours is enough generally.  After that I have had enough of them.  Parents are aging and getting a bit needy ie asking to meet up all the time.  Sister I see once every year or two.  Haven’t seen aunts etc for decades

As my wee one is growing up my gratitude to my parents has increased exponentially.

I thought I was quite grateful before he turned up. I hadn’t truly appreciated the sacrifices my folks made. Trite but true.

I knew my dad had given up rugby, but it’s not until I had to give up hobby time it quite sunk in the time sacrifices he and mum made

Round at my aunt and uncle ( no kids) and listening to their story’s of amazing holidays that my folks couldn’t afford because my mum gave up work to look after me and my sister helps.

Be nice(er) to the ones who raised you is my resolution.

I’m lucky to have that relationship with my folks and get on  with them. If it might be worth it, could you rebuild a relationship?

Personally I love my family

^^ This.

People in my family have worked in child protection and family care for decades.

I know how very,very lucky I am (and have been) to be part of loving, strong and supportive relationships

People (and families) are not all wired the same.

Parts of my family are a delight to be with, others are a complete nightmare.  Sadly it’s rather hard to keep the two groups separate so even seeing the ones I like can be a burden.  If not could keep my family interactions to just my mum and my sister (plus her little family) it would make things a lot more pleasant!

Though TBH if you find all of them problematic, then it probably is you, really.

I fear this is at least half the problem

Maybe I’ve been a loner too long to not slip back into the ways of not being nice and acceptable. Not very good at not pointing the finger or avoiding the word “****” to not cause offence.

The word **** isn’t the thing thing you should take offence at given the topics.

I love my parents and it’s painful as old age and dementia are setting in. I go round at least weekly and help with what I can (no kids so still have time).

My sister well we went through a stage of 5years when we didn’t speak, my parents won’t talk about me to her.

I’d quite happily go more than 5 years without speaking. But every so often I have to tell her to stop tapping the olds for cash.  She’s a teacher as is her OH. But she’s decided it’s too hard so shouldn’t have to work.

Ive not seen any of my family since 2007!

Joke’s on them, I’m the burden

I’m about to move into a house with two of my sisters. I love them more than anyone I’ve met, and I don’t know what I’d do without them.

The only downside of the move is that I’ll be further away from my nieces and grand-nieces and nephews.

I get on with plenty of other people, but their isn’t anyone I care about as much as my family.

^ that’s really nice but also weird – of course I love my sister but living with her would be absolutely no ******* way. I’d kill her in a week!

I can barely live with my own family, they wind me up daily but then do something that makes it somehow worthwhile.

Abusive alcoholic for a father and manipulative one for a mother. Oh and big scary bastard for a step father. My older brother died in his thirties, we got on well and I miss him still. My elder sister sadly has drink issues too and her husband is a racist dickhead. I speak my mind so not a great relationship there. My younger brother and sister from my mothers second marriage are lovely but under my mothers thumb. I stay in semi-regular contact with them.

Last thing I heard, my father is in a home with early onset dementia caused by the drinking. I sometimes feel bad about not finding out more, then remember he’s a bit of a bastard. I have lots of issues that I hope don’t impact my kids. In short, **** family! ? Mrs F’s mum, dad and brother are lovely. Lots of getting together on weekends and stuff. I don’t always join in because I like my own company.

I’m aware that other people find it a bit weird.

We’ve always got on extremely well, I just find it so easy with people I’ve literally know-all my life. We have regularly holidayed together, often gone to events together.

Recently, after decades living in different countries, we have all ended up living in the same city – by chance more than design. We spend an awful lot of time together anyway, and it just seems to make sense.

It might have something to do with being introverted – I cannot be arsed to socialise with most people, even those I like.

First thing to remember is that you can’t choose you family. Or even divorce them.

I’m the one that moved away from the local area, so a bit of the black sheep (though  brothers are well travelled, well educated, etc so not like they are entrenched in small town isms).  Get on well with both, and their wives and grown up kids. We’re all engineers so  logical and rational, maybe that helps ? Even if we don’t see much of each other as we’re all busy, other sports interests take us in different directions many weeks etc, but we pick up where we left off when we do meet.

Meanwhile for Mrs… gets on great with 1 of her brothers.  Other….totally untrustable arsehole she has absolutely nothing to do with – and who’s currently banged up behind bars for fraud.

You definitely can’t choose your family!

We’ve always got on extremely well, I just find it so easy with people I’ve literally know-all my life. We have regularly holidayed together, often gone to events together.

Friend  of mine on meeting my family once described us as ‘an abnormally normal family’. She said “I’ve never met anyone like you – your dads your real dad, your mums your real mum, you all love each other and you all like each other.”

We lost my mum 16 years ago to cancer. Since then my dad has been the sole carer for my (disabled) brother. He’s done a reasonable job, but I don’t agree with my dad that he should have done it though as I think my brother has missed out on some life experiences. We also don’t agree on a lot of other things as my dad is becoming more and more selfish in his old age, so we don’t spend much time together although we do speak every week.

It’s all come to a head recently as my dad was admitted to hospital a couple of weeks ago and there was nobody to look after my brother, so he was admitted to hospital as well under a social care directive. Turns out my dad is more of a selfish, entitled arrogant prick than I thought. His attitude towards people around him, family,  staff in the hospital and the social advice team has been frankly disgusting. Everybody I’ve spoken to I’ve felt the need to apologise for his behaviour and he just can’t see he’s done anything wrong.

I need to step up now and try and arrange deputyship for my brother in my name, as dad’s ability to care for my brother is now compromised due to his health, how’ve dealing with dad is really stressful and tiring, he thinks it’s all about him.

My bro has been amazing, in a care home temporarily and is loving every minute, taking it all in his stride.

TL:DR, you can’t choose your family…

Parents both dead. Haven’t seen my brother for 30 years and haven’t talked with him for 20 years; there have been occasional exchanges of emails/texts.

Do I miss him? Yes.

I miss my parents so much more.

As others ^^^ have said…you can choose your friends but you can’t choose your family.

Alpin – what do your family think of you?

Cut my family off 9 years ago. Haven’t seen them since. Horrible people and my life is infinitely better without their judgemental bullshit and constant criticism. My parents hate me anyway and my sister was always their favourite so it’s worked out best for all of us

Alpin – what do your family think of you?

**** man, that’s deep.

I don’t really know. They probably think that I’m a **** up and a drop out with a drug problem. And that I swear and drink too much.

Perhaps I should have said earlier. Met up with my aunt, her fella and my cousins plus their fellas.

My old man and sister are in the UK. My mum died 6 years ago.

One to one it’s fine, but as they say in German, die Menge machts…. The quantity matters.

Most of mine are dead so it’s not an issue.

No wonder all your posts are so negative. I won’t judge and sneer anymore, cos it’s just sad. Family is so important.. if I hadn’t had my two brothers during my tough times, I’m pretty certain I wouldn’t be around..

Once I had children and realised just what a shitty thing my family (and extended family) did to my sister and I. It hit home even harder when my son turned 5, as this was the age that I was put into care by my dad and his new girlfriend.

That was when I decided I didn’t want to spend time with any of them, I just can’t forgive them. I don’t even like to speak to or spend time with my sister as all she wants to do is either talk about the past from our childhood or brag about the great life she has because she doesn’t have kids. She was 9 when she was put into care and has been much more affected than I was IMO.

I should forgive them all before it’s too late but not sure I want to.

Off to spend a long weekend with my 97 year old father this weekend, sadly no mother for a few years now. We tolerate each other now, sometimes have a laugh too.  No idea what all my sisters are up to nor does my dad.

I gain nothing from seeing them

You sound like me.  I put it down to my autism and not really bonding with people.

For balance I’ve got a nice family, very forthright and vocal but at least you know where you stand.

Small doses and all that. When my parents go back to theirs I usually say “it’s nice when you come to visit but nicer when you leave”

Immediate family – wife and kids, I love to the end of the world. They come with the challenges you’d expect from a disabled wife and 11 and 14 year old boys but never for a second would I not want to spend every second of every day with them.

Outside of that its a whole different kettle of fish. I love my parents but they’re the polar opposite to us and I find it hard sometimes to get along with them and have had fallings out with them over the years. One brother is a bit of a recluse and I rarely see him but still more often than my youngest brother who I simply don’t really like. Nothing in common, I think he takes the piss from my parents and they bend over backwards to baby him (he’s well into his 30s) – stuff like phoning builders for him because he’s too stupid enough to handle that kind of stuff himself.

Family on my parents side couldn’t be more different to my own. Get on with my BiL’s brilliantly and their families and my in-laws are ace, as are my wife’s extended family – aunts and uncles, cousins etc.

Different posters, but when folks say things like

 the rest of them are just over sensitive.

and

I speak my mind so not a great relationship there

Then there’s probs room for some introspection. I get on with all of my family, I may not wish to spend too much time with some of them, but they’re basically all good sorts. If on the other hand, they all seem to get on, and you find that you’re the one that has difficult relationships with them…It might not be them, y’know?

My dads a **** so I don’t have anything to do with him, niether do my 2 sisters. Which is a bit sad as my younger sister has terminal cancer and might not be around in a couple of years. He knew all of this before his last spell of being a **** so we’ve just **** him off completely now.

The rest of my family are pretty close and all seem to be decent, we (me, wife & 2 kids) go on holiday pretty every year with my older sister and their kids.

Nana and grandad are very old and it’ll be pretty devesating when they go.

Different posters, but when folks say things like

the rest of them are just over sensitive.
and

I speak my mind so not a great relationship there
Then there’s probs room for some introspection.

I was the second one. So do you think I should sit and listen to a vile racist spout their views? Not happening in any other area of my life and what sort of person would I be if I didn’t call it out? That’s my introspection done right there.

Its all too easy to read threads on STW (and the internet in general) and quickly conclude that someone is a dick because they look at the world in a different way. The context of where people are coming from on this thread is making me reflect on both how lucky i am and that maybe i need to improve my empathy somewhat.

So in a weird way, thanks OP

Families are very strange. I’m hugely fortunate to come from a very caring and loving family. They instilled values in me that I tried to instil in my own children. I’m incredibly grateful for my parents being the way they are, and I probably don’t show my appreciation anywhere near enough.

Dad is changing quite rapidly though. He’s become the difficult old man. Quite rude and belligerent, he’s absolutely fine around the family, but outside of this circle and he’s completely different. I purposefully now try to avoid events where he is outside of the house. We have spoken about it but he doesn’t see it as his problem, it’s other people’s. 10 years ago he would have been mortified if he knew this was who he would become. It’s difficult but I remember him for the man he was rather than who he is becoming. (Hope that doesn’t sound to strange!)

My entire family are very caring and non-judgmental. They really would give me their last £1 if I needed it. My parents motto was that their role in life was to nurture their children to be the best they can be. Some people judge a persons success on how wealthy they are, my parents judged success on how happy their children were.

I have seen the other side of it as well, where there is toxic family members and the difficulties that causes. Just makes me realise how fortunate enough I am.  And I hope my children in the future realise it as well.

And similar to TJ, as much as I love my family….36 hours would be far too much!! 3 or 4 hours a week is enough!! I go to the in-laws once a month for the full weekend….my gosh that’s hard work!!

I reject the “but it’s family” argument.  Once you’re no longer a minor, family are people you choose to spend time with, people who are part of your life, not people you suck up and tolerate because your mum’s brother had a shag 40 years ago.

Maybe I’m biased here.  I don’t have a large family.  I have no siblings*, I lost my dad maybe 11 years ago and my mum last year.  There’s a handful of cousins, aunts and uncles but the last time I saw any of them was at my mum’s funeral and before that probably at my dad’s.

My non-blood family is my girlfriend.  She has two adult kids one of whom provided a 2-year old grandson.  There are various sisters and partners and ex-this and step-that, I have no real frame of reference to any of this.  I find it all quite bewildering.

(* – This isn’t technically true, I have “no siblings” whom I grew up with.  I have an older half-brother and half-sister on my dad’s side.  I have a very vague memory of meeting them once when I was like 4 or 5 I think.  They cleared off to Canada, I’ve tried tracking them down but they both changed their names so it was a non-starter.  I got a message out of the blue from the brother’s wife literally the day after my mum’s funeral, asking to get in touch.  I thought they’d got wind of what had happened but no, it was a wild coincidence.  They didn’t know I knew they existed.  We’ve been in semi-regular contact since, it’s all deeply weird.)

sit and listen to a vile racist spout their views? Not happening in any other area of my life and what sort of person would I be if I didn’t call it out? That’s my introspection done right there.

This last night…. Plus some debate about why two of them voted Reform….. But saying someone is a bit bigoted is apparently not very nice.

Both parents deceased. Mum only 3 years ago during Covid. I’m the youngest of four. Eldest sister I know is always there for me if I need her but never makes contact, I always have to make the overtures. Eldest Bro, is an unusual fella,  very opinionated and prone to huffiness, currently not talking to me since I suggested he may be drinking too much. Bro 2, is my Bro. We talk regularly, have shared interests (music and guitars). He’s also a lovely human.

Dad is changing quite rapidly though. He’s become the difficult old man. Quite rude and belligerent,

My grandfather became like this as dementia took hold. He was actually quite unpleasant to be around and at least one of his carers refused to see him any more after some sort of incident.

Harsh though it sounds, it was a relief to us all when he died which is a shame cos he’d been a lovely bloke mostly.

Not sure if it was dementia or anger/bitterness/loneliness when my grandma died or just the fact that he was no longer the strong independent type (or a combination) but I can absolutely understand @w00dster ‘s comment.

@woodster, yup i can sympathise, difficult old man Is where my dad is going. He thoroughly believes that every body else has the problem and that we’re all here at his beck and call. e.g. He really gets arse in his hands if I don’t answer the phone when he rings (never mind if I’m at work or in bed!).

The thing that really scares me is that I can see character traits of my dad in me! Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of good things I’ve learned from my dad, skills and habits that will stay with me for life but I can see the belligerent grumpy side as well.

Just for some balance, I get on with the in laws quite well, we spend time together semi regularly and they don’t have any objectionable qualities so far 🙂

I’m about to move into a house with two of my sisters.

You are Private Godfrey and ICMFP.

My folks are fine (my dad grumbles about “wokies” a bit, but not so much that I can’t ignore it).

My wife’s folks are another matter – I don’t mean in a Les Dawson “Take my mother in law” way either.

MiL has always been hard work, I describe her as “aggressively kind” – if you won’t have a 2nd slice of cake she’ll sulk and stomp about – think Mrs Doyle mixed with Herr Flick.  She’ll get up and start doing the washing up after a meal, while everyone is still sat around chatting, then after a couple of mins shout “WELL, I’LL DO THE WASHING UP BY MYSELF THEN SHALL I!?!?”, rather than just asking whether someone can help clear up.  In general she seems to look for arguments, or the negative in things.

More recently she was all over UKIP, then dabbling in conspiracy theories (everything from moon landings, to Chinese dog poisonings), then during covid her and my wife fell out and they’ve not been able to repair things since.  MrsV had been complaining about her mum for a long time, but when her mum told our daughter (about 12 at the time) that my parents and us were all brainwashed, it pushed her over the edge.  This was despite MrsV foreseeing this and asking her to avoid the subject with our daughter.

MiL denies saying anything of the sort – daughter didn’t know MiL had been asked not to talk about it, so had no reason to lie (also isn’t known for lying), so we’re in a stalemate.

Unfortunately her dad, who’s a bit reactionary but mostly OK to be around, has sided with her mum, so they’ve not had contact for about 4 years now.

The whole taking sides thing bemuses me – surely her dad can say he doesn’t agree with either side, but wants to maintain a relationship with his daughter and granddaughter, but I suspect it’s easier for him to give in to his wife.