Viewing 33 posts - 161 through 193 (of 193 total)
  • Am I being unreasonable here?
  • Tom-B
    Free Member

    Not read the whole thread, but picking up on the bit where you’ve said that it’s only been a month that you’ve realised that it’s not going to happen between you guys…. that’s not a lot of time at all. There are various ways of dealing with this type of thing….mine was copious amounts of online dating (literally within a few days!) and quite a lot of trips snowboarding/other travelling.

    Treat yourself to some trips, try as hard as possible not to dwell (waaay easier said than done) and good times almost certainly await. Definitely think that you not going on the trip will be for the best.

    brownperson
    Free Member

    Yep quite sure thanks. I asked for opinions on whether I was being unreasonable, not an analysis on my mental state from someone that knows nothing about me, the girl involved, or what went on between us. Because in that regard, your opinion is absolutely worthless

    The fact that you’ve posted 2 threads now on a cycling forum, shows you obviously do want to talk to someone about it, so it was just a suggestion that talking to a professional might be of help to you. Nobody is making any analysis of your mental state. Just trying to offer advice.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Just trying to offer advice

    tbf mate you are probably right. And if I’m honest i’ve already been to the docs.  I’m a broken man. And I have been since she told me. I’m 47, I finally thought I’d found the girl I’d be with forever and now I have nowt. Can barely sleep, and my work is going to sh1t. I can’t drive down the roads we use to cycle, let alone look at my bikes. Can’t even go for dinner at the restaurant down the road as that’s where I’d go with her for dinner once a week for last year and a half. I took a massive detour the other day to avoid driving past her new house as it’s the one I suggested she buy when she asked me to go house hunting with her at end of last year. I’ve quit the cycling club. Literally every single Ive thing I’ve done since lockdown, places I’ve been etc involved her.

    I’ve been through numerous break ups before and never felt like this. Not even close. This morning I woke up and my first thought was ‘bugger’ because I had to face another day..daft thing is I met a lovely lass a few weeks ago who’s pretty keen. But whenever I meet her I think of the other girl. So I’m bound to f that up as well!

    So yeah, I’m an absolute mess. When she told me about the holiday it ruined me just a little more than I am already. But tbh, I knew fine well I could never have gone to Majorca with her on her own, or even without her. The place has far too many memories

    anyway thanks again all. I just needed to put my thoughts down.

    weeksy
    Full Member

    Hugs man.

    zippykona
    Full Member

    People in love, lie around and get fat
    I didn’t want us to end up like that
    This isn’t the first time you’ve fallen apart
    Now you’re indulging in just playing a part

    The more it happens, the easier it gets
    You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
    So pass me the wine, a cigarette too
    We’ve about a week and a half to get through

    To every girl, that’s ever been with me
    I’m got over you all, eventually
    What becomes of the broken-hearted?
    They’re drunk for a few weeks
    And then back where they started
    So pass me the wine, a cigarette too
    We’ve about a week and a half to get through

    You can tell how bad you feel
    By how long you’re in the shower
    You’re in and out in minutes
    Whereas it used to take hours

    It’s not the breaking up
    It’s the starting again
    Meeting new people, taking them out as a friend
    The more it happens, the easier it gets
    You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
    People in love, lie around and get fat
    I didn’t want us to end up like that

    larrydavid
    Free Member

    This is a real sair yin for the OP and I feel for you. A real kick in the cock.

    I can understand why you are pissed off – she is being self centered and insensitive but not unreasonable. If I was in your shoes I’d feel I’d been used. Your previous role as confidant is now over as it’s been taken by new man and I fear you are now surplus.

    There’s no good answer here. If it was me I’d  abandon this holiday, cut your loses and go somewhere else with people who really value you. If it was me I’d never speak to her again but I’m a cold like that.

    Whatever you do, all the best

    Aidy
    Free Member

    Sounds rough. Look after yourself.

    twistedpencil
    Full Member

    Oh mate, my world fell apart just over 3years ago. It’s tough, I did what TomB did and hit online dating quite hard. It’s good to find out your not ready for the scrap heap, but it probably wasn’t the best move while I was still processing the separation.

    About 18months ago something clicked back into place and I realised I has finally processed the crap and was ready for a new start. So I bought myself a new bike and had lots of dirty weekends away 😀

    I stopped looking for a new partner, and then boom, I met someone who has lit my world up again (more so than anyone before).

    TLDR – go on loads of dates to get her out of your system, spend a fortune on a new bike, then find you have less time to ride said bike!

    Time really does work its magic.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

     can understand why you are pissed off

    tbh I can’t even be pissed off with her. I wish I could! Nah I’m just sad..

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Apologies, I haven’t read the whole thread, I’ll come back to that.

    Am I being unreasonable

    Yes.

    Ultimately, this is a “you” problem. She could probably have been a little more sensitive but she owes you nothing. She’s got a new boyfriend, of course she’s going to want him to come on holiday with her. What’s the alternative here, she snubs him because you’ve got the screaming thigh sweats for her? How would you feel if you were the boyfriend in that scenario?

    If it’s an issue, bin the holiday. Frankly in your boat I’d go on the trip and shag anything with a pulse. I might not even be that choosy.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    tpbiker.  If your leg was broken you would go to the docs and get it fixed so if your head is broken why not?  There is no shame in it nor is it weak to do so.  I have had a fair bit of counseling and its been greatly beneficial.  I doubt you need a lot but a couple of sessions might well help to help you get your thoughts in order.

    I have someone I can recommend who works over teams.  As ever tho the key thing is do you get on with the counselor

    mattyfez
    Full Member

    Whilst the ex girlfriend isn’t technically doing anything wrong.. If I were to put myself in the shoes of the ex girlfriend, there’s no way I would have the brass neck and insensitivity to parade my new boyfriend around on a group holiday that I knew my ex is already going on, it’s a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    Hm.

    If you’re in a new and exciting relationship, isn’t “parading my new boyfriend around” exactly what you’d want to do? What a great way to introduce him to your friends circle, an overseas holiday where everyone’s equal.

    You say she’s the love of your life. Can you love her sufficiently to let her crack on and be happy?

    Sorry if I’m blunt. I sympathise, I do. The love of my life from high school, I barely had the courage to speak three words to. My first actual girlfriend left me for a friend I introduced her to. Second long-term girlfriend ghosted me without warning, third shacked up with my best mate, fourth I discovered used condoms in the bin.

    It’s a load of shit, it really is. But other women are available. Trust your Uncle Cougar, no good will come of this, you’ve got to let it go. I think I said on your last thread, a friendship may be salvageable but you have to take a step back first.

    Cougar
    Full Member

    I’ve caught up now and deleted a lot of responses on the way. Can you throw some timescales here?

    She was a massive part of my life for last 3 years, she’s known how I felt for past 2 years

    You were together for two years and broke up last month, or you had a sticky fumble during lockdown once?

    RustyNissanPrairie
    Full Member

    Single or double room?
    Is there a hot tub?

    Could be equally awkward or sexually liberating🤷‍♂️

    wbo
    Free Member

    t’s a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.

    Not really.  They agreed to be friends.  That doesn’t mean forcing them to live in chastity

    bails
    Full Member

    I can’t even be pissed off with her. I wish I could! Nah I’m just sad.

    It sounds like you’re moving into stage 4 of 7…

    But in all seriousness, you shouldn’t be angry with her. If I’ve got the timelines right you broke up 2 years ago, she has got no obligation to put her life on hold (and that includes introducing her new boyfriend to her mates) indefinitely.  The situation sucks, and you can be angry/sad/etc at the situation, but being angry at her will just mean you end up hating someone who was important to you.

    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    parade my new boyfriend around on a group holiday that I knew my ex is already going on, it’s a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.

    Ex of over 2 years ago, and who she split up amicably with. I feel for the OP but don’t paint the girl as a villain here because OP has problems with his feelings which aren’t reciprocated.

    onehundredthidiot
    Full Member

    Go on the trip, they have tinder in Mallorca.
    It’s hard but, as above, she’s being a bit insensitive but not much wrong.
    It hurts but why delay your life any more? To be brutal…she’s not coming back fella…..ever.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    She’s not the villain here. I think there could have been a slightly more sensitive way to introduce her new bloke to everyone. One that didn’t mean I’d have to be around them for a week. But as I said I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. Whether she knew that or not who knows. And  others say she can ultimately do what she wants

    gobuchul
    Free Member

    You haven’t been together for over 2 years!

    You need to move on and if you can’t then you need help.

    Maybe she has been trying to tell you but you didn’t listen and now she is letting you know what the situation is?

    I think there could have been a slightly more sensitive way to introduce her new bloke to everyone.

    Why would anyone else be bothered that she has moved on from you?

    I might sound harsh but I think you may of misread some signals from your ex in the last few months.

    Scienceofficer
    Free Member

    I think you’re being a bit unreasonable, and she’s been a bit insensitive.

    She could have been more thoughtful, and its an unfortunate situation, but she’s not really done anything wrong. It’s mostly up to you to regulate your emotions IMO.

    weeksy
    Full Member

    I think under the circumstances, it may be better to close the thread… it’s been discussed, analysed and answered.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Why would anyone else be bothered that she has moved on from you?

    whether they will or they won’t be, I was meaning that I’ll be there! Ie if she want to introduce her bloke to everyone, do it when I’m not there perhaps..she had the perfect opportunity already when everyone going went out for a meal at Christmas time when I was not there

    Maybe she has been trying to tell you but you didn’t listen and now she is letting you know what the situation

    dude, with respect I genuinely don’t know why you are bothering to respond. You’ve said your piece. You don’t know the girl from Adam. So maybe she did, equally maybe she was an absolute dick who strung me along. You have genuinely no idea whatsoever what the situation was so why continue to post to try to score points, or maybe you are just trying to upset me. If the latter it ain’t working.

    for what it’s worth neither of the scenarios above is true.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    I think under the circumstances, it may be better to close the thread… it’s been discussed, analysed and answered

    probably for the best. I asked a question, I got a response which I appreciated. I’ve already acknowledged she’s not a dick. Certain people seem intent to turn the screw abit, either as they haven’t read the last few pages, or they are just knobs. Either way maybe a little empathy would not be a miss

    gobuchul
    Free Member

    Sorry if I came across a bit harsh.

    It’s just that I have been in a similar position to the “new” boyfriend in your scenario on 2 occasions.

    It can put a lot of strain on relationships and is not good for anyone involved.

    One of the situations was very unpleasant and came very close to escalating.

    The other, he just came across sad and a bit stalky.

    For everyone’s well being, especially your own, you need to move on

    bails
    Full Member

    Before the thread is closed, I just wanted to say well done to OP as you seem to have taken on a lot of ‘outside’ advice for a very personal situation.  I’m sorry you’re going through a crappy time and hope things work out for you, I’m sure with time and a bit of distance it’ll all be much easier.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    I think this thread has run it’s course, and OP should start a fresh one if he needs some support, as he’s obviously not in a great place. This forum has always been good at offering that, and I’m sure it will be again. Take care, @tpbiker

    Edukator
    Free Member

    Go on the holiday, make the most of it and buy the new guy a pint, it seems to me you now have the clarity you needed. If you don’t see that way you need a new club and new mates in addition to a new romantic interest which would be  a pity. I was pleased when exes found new partners, for them and for myself.

    You feel empathy with people when they are in difficult situations and you wouldn’t like to be in their shoes. I think the lack of empathy here (or empathy with your ex) is because people would be handling it differently if they were in your shoes.

    I feel sorry for your sadness but your desire to control your ex’s actions limits the empathy.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Sorry if I came across a bit harsh.

    It’s just that I have been in a similar position to the “new” boyfriend in your scenario on 2 occasions.

    It can put a lot of strain on relationships and is not good for anyone involved.

    One of the situations was very unpleasant and came very close to escalating.

    The other, he just came across sad and a bit stalky.

    For everyone’s well being, especially your own, you need to move on

    no worries dude. I have no intention of putting a strain on anyone’s relationship. I am trying to move on. And that means avoiding her, and her new bloke. That has meant I’ve had to quit my cycling club and cancel a holiday with my mates. It’s a million miles from trying to hang around her or stalk her, as someone suggested earlier in the thread. Lets be clear here, I didnt find out that her and her bf were going on holiday and decide to go along to cause issues. It’s quite the opposite of that

    Edukator
    Free Member

    So you have cancelled I missed that, you are letting her get on with her life (empathy level rising), now get on with yours, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    See you posted without reading half the thread .. that’s the issue I was referring to


    @drac
    if you are still a mod can you close this down please

    ta

    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    Not been a great thread to read.

    Op asked for advice and got it and whilst most was relevant and trying to help, if worded a little harsh sometimes, some simply came across as wanting to kick the op whilst he was down imo.

    All the best for the rest of the year op, it’ll get better, day on day even if it’s shit right now.

Viewing 33 posts - 161 through 193 (of 193 total)

The topic ‘Am I being unreasonable here?’ is closed to new replies.