thanks for the input guys, bit harsh at times but I asked for your opinion and got it. Just to be clear though, I’m not bitter about her, just sad. And yes of course I can’t go because I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!

So you have the sense and rationality to understand that, which is a positive sign. I think cancelling would be the most honourable thing for you to do, and would at least show her and others you are willing to make a sacrifice in order to make things less uncomfortable for others. We get where you’re coming from, but also none of us understand her perspective on this, or indeed anyone else affected by this. But she isn’t excluding you from this trip at all; she has every right to take her partner along. Why shouldn’t she? You’re excluding yourself because of your own inability to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Speaking from personal experience, you’re far better off making a clean break from the situation, and reducing contact with her. Time is a good healer.

And £1800 is a fair bit of money to have a nice holiday with. I can recommend the south of France; great weather, great food, great beaches, and great biking as well I’m sure.

And £1800 is a fair bit of money to have a nice holiday with.

https://www.basquemtb.com/mountain-bike-holidays/

OP I have a lot of admiration for the thick skin you have shown when inviting, then accepting good humouredly the harsh ‘advice’ you’ve had on here.

If you could harness some of that armour to use in your personal life it might help. Good luck, make sure you pop back in for some measured advice when you meet your new partner! 😉

Rebook for another week. You’ll get to meet some new friends and still have fun.

You’ll feel different by then (I hope) anyway. You’ll only end up more bitter sitting at home, thinking that you’re over her and didn’t get to go on holiday due to some feelings you had months ago!

She hasn’t really done anything to warrant you staying at home (or going and making things awkward).

You’re right, it’s perfectly normal and why you shouldn’t have been mates for a long time mate

Yep.. you are 100% correct

Did you tell them, because it sounds if you did in order to recruit allies to your cause

no, I told them because i was letting 2 good mates know I probably wasn’t going to go and the reason why. Don’t see what’s sinister in that. Both said they felt it was out of order, knowing the situation as they do (better than those that are judging me on here!) Or perhaps they were just placating their mate. Who knows. The others that are going don’t even know yet, or at least I haven’t told them

OP I have a lot of admiration for the thick skin you have shown when inviting, then accepting good humouredly the harsh ‘advice’ you’ve had on here.

it’s a forum! I asked for opinions and I got them! Not going to take the hump just because it’s not what I want to hear!

Cancel your booking – get your money back.  She will find out and either realise that it’s her action (bringing BF) that’s caused it and apologise – or be grateful and carry on… in which case you will, hopefully, finally realise that it’s well and truly done.

Spend the money on another holiday where at least you stand a chance of meeting someone better in every way rather than being miserable for two weeks.

Putting aside all the “When Harry Met Sally”-esque drama, the idea of summarily inviting an additional person, who is unknown to anyone else on a group holiday, without asking the group collectively if that’s cool, is a bit presumptuous and rude.

Appreciate that some of the responses can be seen as harsh, but for me, and I expect others, we have been in similar situations either ourselves or with close friends and there are a number of clear warning signs on display.

Better to be honest and hopefully OP can see that it is intended to clearly show that he needs to move on with his life and change his expectations around his ex-friends behaviour.

She will find out and either realise that it’s her action (bringing BF) that’s caused it and apologise

Eh? This is straying towards ‘victim blaming’ for me. She hasn’t caused any problem at all, regardless of whether or not she’s bringing her new partner. If her and tpbiker were only friends, then what would be the issue with her bringing a partner along? The problem is tpbiker’s feelings for her, which are now inappropriate, as she has clearly defined the boundaries of their relationship. If tpbiker cannot accept that, then that’s his problem, not hers. I don’t think it’s fair to judge her as we’ve not heard her side of the story, and we don’t have all the facts.

the idea of summarily inviting an additional person, who is unknown to anyone else on a group holiday, without asking the group collectively if that’s cool, is a bit presumptuous and rude.

Why? I can’t see how it can be really, in such a situation. Surely she’s allowed to be in charge of her own relationships? Why would anyone object to her bringing a partner? Are any other couples going on the trip? Would other people’s partners be welcome on the trip? Why would she need permission?

You played down the “she knew very well what I wanted” a few weeks ago when you were going on about dramatically ending the friendship. You also made a big song and dance about ending your friendship but then intended to go on holiday, sat next to her, 4 days before the main holiday…..come on mate. That is absolutely ridiculous.

I think you need to work this out with your actual mates who know both of you and can give perspective based on real  experience not your perception of whatever this is. But it does sound like you like this drama.

Sounds like you’ve accepted the consensus view here OP, kudos for being open-minded about it.

Now focus on how you’re gonna go elsewhere  have a better holiday than them, which you’ll document passive-aggressively on Instagram for the whole club to see.

;)

The problem is tpbiker’s feelings for her, which are now inappropriate

dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong! She was a massive part of my life for last 3 years, she’s known how I felt for past 2 years. We were very very close, as everyone going on the holiday knows. That she doesn’t feel the same doesn’t mean I can just switch off my feelings for her. Sure I was a total mug for naively thinking something may develop further, but it’s only been a month since I found out for sure it wouldn’t. Since then I’ve done everything possible to avoid her and move on. Sure I’m hurting a bit, but I don’t think not being ready to go on holiday with the happy couple qualifies me as a therapy case just yet!😂

think you need to work this out with your actual mates who know both of you and can give perspective based on real  experience

I did try that, with 2 of our mutual mates who are going . And have been slated on here for doing so for ‘poisoning the well’!!

dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong!

Not at all. ‘Inappropriate’ merely means that your inability to maintain a healthy, mutually consensual relationship, leads to you having inappropriate feelings for her. I know you can’t help that, but they still remain inappropriate.  She doesn’t want you to have those feelings, I’m sure. But she can’t control you as you can’t control her. So you’re both kind of stuck with an ‘either/or’ situation, which neither you are ever going to resolve perfectly. It’s shit, but that’s just how it is.

Sure I’m hurting a bit, but I don’t think not being ready to go on holiday with the happy couple qualifies me as a therapy case just yet!

You sure?

The problem is tpbiker’s feelings for her, which are now inappropriate

dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong!

Yeah, I think “inappropriate” is the wrong word to use.

OP: I think you’ve taken the advice and general consensus fairly well. You’re best off staying away if you can’t be ‘ok’ while you’re there.  The problem isn’t really that she didn’t check with other people first, because even if she’d done that and the rest of the group were fine with it, you’d still have a problem because of how you feel about her. It’s completely understandable, but as above, step away, it’s not worth the heartache/stress/fights after too much sangria!

You sure?

Yep quite sure thanks. I asked for opinions on whether I was being unreasonable, not an analysis on my mental state from someone that knows nothing about me, the girl involved, or what went on between us. Because in that regard, your opinion is absolutely worthless👍

Yeah, you can’t turn your romantic feelings on or off like a tap. Behaviour can be inappropriate, those kind of feelings can’t really. However, if he carries on venting to the people who are also going on the holiday, and creates a bad atmosphere or ill feeling towards her, that’s crossing the line.

If he can’t go on the trip, it’s not her fault, or the boyfriend’s, it’s his decision taken out of consideration for his and her enjoyment, and he needs to make that clear to the rest of the group.

Also, even if her new man wasn’t going….you shouldn’t go anyway. You told her you were ending your friendship so she probably thought that you wouldn’t be going away for a holiday and private pre holiday with her. 

I can’t see why she would or should cancel. If I was her, id have assumed you wouldn’t go. 

Given this thread you’re clearly not in a place to go. Save your money pal and do something you’ll enjoy.

I’m amazed that anyone would spend 2 years of their life in the “friend zone” hoping that something would develop.

After a few months, it must of got to the point where it was obvious nothing was going to develop.

In my defense I originally walked away after we split up..

3 months later her sister unexpectedly died and she came calling for comfort (not that type of comfort!) . It just went from there..I suspect she took advantage of my feelings for her a bit and I blindly went along with it out of naive optimism!

but yes, as I’ve admitted I’m a mug!

Unreasonable.

She may well be under pressure from the new boyfriend who is feeling uncomfortable with the fact that his girlfriend was going to be spending a few days on holiday alone with her ex and you could hardly blame him.

She may well be under pressure from the new boyfriend who is feeling uncomfortable with the fact that his girlfriend is going to be spending a few days on holiday alone with her ex and you could hardly blame him.

agreed. The easy solution to that would have been for her (or me) to just to go out with everyone else a few days later but that’s not the call she’s taken, and tbf  If I felt like I do come May it wouldn’t make much of a difference, I’d still be miserable whether the others were there or not!

i wish I could take a call further down the line, I may not give a crap by then. But realistically I can’t afford to waste the money if I decide not to go so the decision needs to be taken now

I’m a mug

No you’re really not.

I’ve not read the entire thread, but my take would be that thinking of things as ‘unreasonable’ or not, isn’t really very helpful when it’s about emotional stuff like this. The question you need to ask is ‘how do I best look after myself’ and in this case, you’re the only person who knows the answer.

My guess, since you’re obviously still very raw, is that not being in that situation is going to be a lot easier on you than spending however long it is trapped in a group with your ex and her new bloke.

I found myself in a similar situation. A mate’s mountain biking birthday weekend when no-one thought it was worth mentioning to me that my ex was going to be there. I was still very chewed up for all sorts of reasons and I basically baled out after the first day for reasons of self preservation. In honesty, lots of my mates thought I was behaving ‘unreasonably’, but I didn’t want to be in that place. it was making me very unhappy and what other people thought I ‘should’ feel wasn’t really relevant.

Don’t be tempted to make up stories about your ex’s relationship either or what may or may not happen Have a proper think about what you need to do for yourself and your own well-being and do what’s right for you. It’s not about whether you’re being reasonable or not, that boat is going to the wrong destination.

Perhaps a better title to the thread would have been ‘ I can’t face going on holiday with my ex and her new bf’, what should I do?’ And I think badlywireddog has summed it up nicely, as have others.

👍

TL:DR.

Are you quicker than he is? surely thats all that matters.

Spank him on the bike.

The easy solution to that would have been for her (or me) to just to go out with everyone else a few days later

This is the main thing I’ve noticed hasn’t been mentioned. Lots of her/new bf may not feel comfortable after the ‘big reveal’ yet if that’s the case why wouldn’t she just say “I’ll come for the main holiday, (other bods around) but not go days early anymore (the 2 on their own)”

Also, I’d never just invite an extra person on holiday without asking the others in the group I’m going with if they would mind. That’s just rude

In situations like this, I find it best to seperate the “how am I feeling” question from the “why am I feeling like this” question.

It’s ok to feel upset about this. Whatever has gone on between the two of you in the past, you still have to grieve for the loss of the relationship, whatever it was. Anger is part of the grieving process.

Emotions are best acknowledged, but not indulged. Anger especially. Once it’s acknowledged it’s best to find a non-destructive way to deal with it. Write it down, exercise it off, take some time out, speak to a therapist, go downhill mountain biking, whatever.

Having people tell you it’s your fault, or her fault isn’t helpful. It doesn’t matter because it’s done, and remaining angry about it isn’t going to help anyone, least of all you.

In time, the anger will wear off. Until it does, it’s best to stay away from her. If it doesn’t abate over time then look at getting some therapy.

Afterwards, it may be worth looking at what you might have done differently next time. There’s no point in looking for fault with her, because there’s nothing you can do about her actions, and indeed to try to do so is likely to make the situation worse not better.

I hope that this is helpful to you.

I personally think that you are being a little bit unreasonable.  She is aware of your feelings for her, but it sounds like it’s not reciprocated in the same way and all she is doing is wanting to spend some time with her new partner.   It’s probably not personal against you, just an opportunity on her part to include him in something she likes doing.

I would maybe consider not using the situation to go talking to other members of your group as it sounds like you are trying to build a bit of a rift, and I’m guessing that’s not going to end well for one of you, if not both.

Maybe for your own mental health cancel this year’s trip and look to do something with a few of the friends at another time.  Until you’ve got your head clear about it you are better of making some space between you.

I will cancel for my own sanity, and have asked my mates to be nice to her if she goes. Regardless of my feelings about her holiday decision, I have no desire to cause a rift, and care too much about her to cause her unnecessary upset.

I’ve also apologized to her for some rather harsh words shared in anger yesterday. Life’s too short to bear ill will, and hopefully she will accept that.

it has been good to be able to share my thoughts folks, and I appreciate (most of) the responses. Especially a couple of guys that took the time to PM me outside this thread.

cheers guys 👍

Good luck tpbiker… and make sure to get a good holiday sorted for yourself… keep us updated on that!

Prob for the best pal. Life’s too short to give yourself problems. Try and get out and meet someone new yourself. 👍

Did we totally discount the notion of a threesome?

I will cancel for my own sanity, and have asked my mates to be nice to her if she goes. Regardless of my feelings about her holiday decision, I have no desire to cause a rift, and care too much about her to cause her unnecessary upset.

I’ve also apologized to her for some rather harsh words shared in anger yesterday. Life’s too short to bear ill will, and hopefully she will accept that.

Sounds like a good plan to me.

I’d probably cancel, personally.

It sucks, but if I were the new boyfriend I wouldn’t be happy about my girlfiriend going either, especially for a few days alone beforehand with an ex!

Really she should have probably been a bit more sensitive & cancelled and done something else with the new fellla but she’s under no obligation to do so, even though she’s makng a bit of an awkward situation, with you, her new bloke, and the rest of the group.

Apologies if I’m repeating. There’s too many responses already and it’s all a bit Mills & Boone to me…

2 questions:

Is he a keen cyclist and is joining in as a cyclist but non Club member?

Are you really peeved about your 4 extra days for now the 3 of you?

If he is a cyclist and not just a hanger on, so long as it’s not an ‘exclusively Club members only’ trip – things should work out so long as he’s not a complete plonker. The shared interest usually lubricates the day…

As for the 4 days, Id be cancelling those. You’ll not want to play gooseberry around a newly formed couple (and all that involves – ahem).

So change ya plans for the 4 days (go somewhere else?) and hold yer nose for the rest.

NEXT!!

OP, glad you have a plan. And I think it’s very good that you have apologised for what was said.

hopefully you find something else to do, and eventually someone else to do it with.

maybe replace your trip with a bit of bike packing somewhere warm? Embrace a spirit of adventure and opportunity to do something completely different.

It’s as if The Times reads this forum!

Does the new guy have a dog or a lawn and are you in possession of any frozen sausages and a hammer? Go full Fatal Attraction STW style!