Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 193 total)
  • Am I being unreasonable here?
  • sharkbait
    Free Member

    LOL so many contradictions there 😀

    Umm…. yeah – this x 100!

    docgeoffyjones
    Full Member

    You have every right to feel unhappy about this situtation. The lesson here, which has been a tough one for me to learn is that you are responsible for your emotions, no one else.

    3 years of being her best mate. The person she came to stay with last year so I could look after her after her sister died. The person who she would always come to when things got a bit shit or she needed a help with anythjng. Yeah I wanted more but I was a very good mate to her. And sure I was naive and she probably took advantage to that. But I still think it’s pretty mean of her to completely disregard how I’d feel about him coming along

    That is on you for not setting a firm boundary with yourself as to how you were going to behave around someone you had feelings for, who did not return them for you. If you were kind to her in the hope she would act a certain way towards you that is manipulation.

    I’m not saying this to be harsh. I have strong people pleasing tendancies and realising this stuff has been very difficult, upsetting and also incredibly freeing for me.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    The fair thing to do would have been “sorry guys, something came up and I can’t make it”

    ‘Hey guys. You know that holiday I’ve been on for the past four years. The one we’ve been chatting about for past 6 months..well I can no longer go, can’t tell you why though’🤨🤔 I’m fairly sure my mates would want to know why tbf

    You’re displaying signs of possible controlling behaviour

    eh? It was the first time I’d spoken to her in 6 weeks! You may think I’m unreasonable, emotional or whatever, but controlling?

    I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!

    mert
    Free Member

    How about being happy for her and get to know this new person in her life? She may have chosen well and you may (learn to) like him.

    My ex *wife* (not girlfriend) who i was with for nearly 2 decades has a new bloke, i like him, nice guy, would certainly not object to him turning up on a cycling group holiday, or going out for a beer with him.

    To an extend yes

    Ahha, the truth is out 😉

    trust me there no chance that would happen, I’m like a mountain goat.

    Dangerous game to play. Seen *many* people coming unstuck thinking things like that.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its probably true

    its 100% true! They know it’ll be awkward as anything. And they’d rather me go than him.

    i like him, nice guy, would certainly not object to him turning up on a cycling group holiday, or going out for a beer with him.

    the dude is probably perfectly lovely. Doesn’t mean I want to be sharing my breakfast table with him 5 weeks after I had my heart broken!

    zippykona
    Full Member

    If I was the OP of this , after the amount of stick I was getting I’d back out of the thread and let it fade to the bottom of the page.

    He is obviously not that kind of person.

    Let it go.

    dooosuk
    Free Member

    Not sure it’s been asked/discussed…but lets agree the holiday is sorted…you’re not going.

    Is she/they likely to become long term members of this cycling club? How are you going to deal with that going forward?

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Is she/they likely to become long term members of this cycling club? How are you going to deal with that going forward?

    I don’t cycle with the club any more, just the boys that are going on the holiday. So it’s a non issue.

    If I was the OP of this , after the amount of stick I was getting I’d back out of the thread and let it fade to the bottom of the page

    but it started so well😜

    gobuchul
    Free Member

    I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!

    That doesn’t make any sense.

    If you don’t care why can’t you go on holiday?

    If it’s a cycling holiday I assume you are on your bikes all day and then a few drinks and a meal at night?

    What difference does it make if she spends the evenings with her bf and doesn’t go for a drink with the rest of the group or if there is 1 extra person at the table?

    If the rest of the group are so bothered they sound a bit dickish TBF.

    Aidy
    Free Member

    ‘Hey guys. You know that holiday I’ve been on for the past four years. The one we’ve been chatting about for past 6 months..well I can no longer go, can’t tell you why though’🤨🤔 I’m fairly sure my mates would want to know why tbf

    All you have to say is “It’s something personal. Don’t worry, it’s all good. See you at the next one.”

    brownperson
    Free Member

    eh? It was the first time I’d spoken to her in 6 weeks! You may think I’m unreasonable, emotional or whatever, but controlling?

    Well, there are signs of that type of behaviour yes, even if you don’t recognise them yourself. You don’t want her to bring her new partner, because you clearly still have strong feelings for her. That she is bringing him is beyond your control, and it’s obviously making you angry.

    I don’t care she’s going out with someone.

    I think most here would beg to differ. You clearly do. Otherwise this thread wouldn’t exist.

    I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!

    Your holiday? Not her holiday? Or their holiday?

    How do they feel about YOU going?

    doomanic
    Full Member

    (is this going to be a ‘give me some advice, NO NOT THAT ADVICE!’ thread?)

    Bingo! You win a cookie.

    johnx2
    Free Member

    I doubt many of the cycling club members are too chuffed about finding themselves in the middle of an episode of Hollyoaks.

    …but balls to them. I want to know how this pans out (I’m not envying mr new bloke who’s going to suffer some withering stares not to mention possibility of awful chafing going on a cycle hol early in a new relationship).

    birky
    Free Member

    Bum the boyfriend, that’ll teach her.

    kittyr
    Free Member

    I actually think you put her in a really difficult position.  How can she go on this holiday with you after  you expressed your unrequited love and clearly haven’t got over it? Super uncomfortable and awkward. She is probably feeling hurt that there never was any genuine friendship on your side and all the nice ‘friendship’ memories now have a dirty taint.

    The only unreasonable thing is bringing the new guy on a club trip where the other club members aren’t happy. Does the guy cycle? Will they be doing stuff alone in the evenings to spending all the group time? But, are you sure they really don’t want him to come and aren’t just giving you soothing sounds?

    If I was her I would want my new boyf to be there as a buffer from you. In her eyes, you overstepped the boundaries and now she can’t trust you.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    I think most here would beg to differ

    well yeah obviously I care that she’s going out with someone. But I’m not angry about it, I wished her well when I found out. That’s just life. I chose to try to forget about it and move on

    Which is kinda hard if I’m sitting opposite the dude at breakfast..

    Because of that, as others have said, it would be madness of me to go. I’m pissed off I can no longer go on holiday, not at her for having a boyfriend!

    Aidy
    Free Member

    @martinhutch was so close.

    Ending a friendship..

    What’s the betting that OP will do nothing, end up letting the new boyfriend join her and the group of friends on holiday, and have to watch them being all loved-up for a fortnight?

    ashhh
    Full Member

    Why not just chill and see how you feel in summer? You might have a new person in your life anyway and then you can be mates again?

    binners
    Full Member

    Have you thought about going on a wild week-long coke and hookers binge in Amsterdam instead?

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    In her eyes, you overstepped the boundaries and now she can’t trust you.

    she’s known I’ve wanted more than friendship for 2 years. Why can’t she trust me now? I didn’t try to jump on her the last twice we’ve been away together

    How do they feel about YOU going?

    well given I’ve been booked up for a year and she decided to invite him in last few weeks I suspect they are just fine with it!

    brownperson
    Free Member

    I chose to try to forget about it and move on

    But you haven’t, and that’s why we’re here.

    Which is kinda hard if I’m sitting opposite the dude at breakfast..

    Especially if your room is next to theirs. Breakfast might be a tad more awks…

    as others have said, it would be madness of me to go

    I’m glad you’ve seen sense. Seeing them being intimate with each other might tip you over the edge.

    I’m pissed off I can no longer go on holiday, not at her for having a boyfriend!

    That’s not how most of us are seeing it, sorry. I think you need to really examine your own feelings as honestly as possible. Which is why I think talking therapy might help. Because you clearly feel a lot of anger at being ‘rejected’ in this manner, which is understandable. Many of us have felt similar I’m sure. I’ve succumbed to stupid jealousy and I’m sure I’m not the only one. But you’ve got to grow up and move on properly. If you allow yourself to do so, and get the appropriate support you need, you can do so. Otherwise you’ll end up bitter, twisted and lonely.

    hexhamstu
    Free Member

    well given I’ve been booked up for a year and she decided to invite him in last few weeks I suspect they are just fine with it!

    You hadn’t admitted to being fake friends with her when she booked it.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Have you thought about going on a wild week-long coke and hookers binge in Amsterdam instead?

    actually yes I have!!

    Why not just chill and see how you feel in summer? You might have a new person in your life anyway and then you can be mates again?

    because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it! Given she probably knew I wouldn’t go if he came, and she knew the cut off for Payment is this week, it would have been nice of her to voluntarily tell me!

    You hadn’t admitted to being fake friends with her when she booked it

    Once again, she knew fine well what I wanted when we she booked it!!

    weeksy
    Full Member

    Otherwise you’ll end up bitter, twisted and lonely.

    end up ?

    blokeuptheroad
    Full Member

    I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!

    You can though. No one is stopping you going other than you. It’s entirely possible to go, be polite to her and her new fella and enjoy the company of your mates. That’s what a grown up not a hormonal teenager would do.

    tjagain
    Full Member

    she’s known I’ve wanted more than friendship for 2 years. Why can’t she trust me now? I didn’t try to jump on her the last twice we’ve been away together

    Because you have now told her again you want more than just a friendship and made it impossible for her to ignore.  she may not be acting completely rationally as well 🙂

    Kittyr above seems to be a real actual woman – might be worth listening to 🙂

    kelvin
    Full Member

    because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it!

    Cancel now. Work everything else out later.

    You need time. And a different holiday this year. I can recommend Sedona. Go on your own if need be.

    jhinwxm
    Free Member

    Clearly still smitten and clearly not come to terms with the fact she’s well and truly moved on. I’m guessing you saw this holiday as a small chance something could happen between you and then her new fella coming has pee’d all over that idea.

    That flight is going to be awkward as awkward gets. But I’d still go. Not going means you’ll be even more upset and angry. Just make sure you are not in the room next door to them etc.

    Take a step back and while she doesn’t have to tell you anything, I see this as a bullet dodged. If she cared that much this would not have happened. Seems to me like she’s used you when it suited her, played on the fact she knew you were besotted and then as soon as someone else came onto the scene she was off like Gough. **** her. Move on and find someone who gives a sh!t about you because she clearly does not.

    tractionman
    Full Member

    Cancel now. Work everything else out later.

    You need time. And a different holiday this year. I can recommend Sedona. Go on your own if need be.

    +1

    £1800 would buy a nice holiday…

    Aidy
    Free Member

    Seems to me like she’s used you when it suited her, played on the fact she knew you were besotted and then as soon as someone else came onto the scene she was off like Gough.

    Or…. she thought they were friends.

    martinhutch
    Full Member

    @martinhutch was so close.

    Stopped clock and all that. 🙂

    DaveyBoyWonder
    Free Member

    This is mental. Go on your riding trip with your non-cycling group anymore mates and have a good time. A girl you once dated for a bit will be there with her new bloke you you’re not bothered about. And? You never know, he might actually be a dead nice guy and you’ll get on like a house on fire.

    You really do sound like you need to move on with your life and start looking forward instead of backwards… I suspect stuff like this can mess people up.

    blokeuptheroad
    Full Member

    I have to say I am staggered by the sheer number of expert relationship counsellors we have on STW!

    I’d rather ask for butchery advice at the local vegan cafe!

    Duggan
    Full Member

    I’m siding with yes you’re being unreasonable OP but I do think some of these responses are a little harsh- especially as its not an official club holiday but a bunch of mates who go regular together.

    I get why it stings to have to be the one who can’t go but equally not sure the lady in this scenario has any easy options either.

    Surely the best (least worst?) option is to re-arrange your flights so you arrive on the actual start day and then just suck it up as best you can or tactfully arrange your itinerary so as to avoid awkwardness as far as possible.

    If she’s there with a new partner that nobody else knows it sounds like they may naturally end-up doing their own thing or being a little separate from the main group anyway.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    Cancel now. Work everything else out later

    wise words which I will follow

    thanks for the input guys, bit harsh at times but I asked for your opinion and got it. Just to be clear though, I’m not bitter about her, just sad. And yes of course I can’t go because I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!

    cheers anyway👍

    tjagain
    Full Member

    I have to say I am staggered by the sheer number of expert relationship counsellors we have on STW!

    I’d rather ask for butchery advice at the local vegan cafe!

    Lolz

    ElShalimo
    Full Member

    Sorry been doing some work, I’m now confused

    Have @tpbiker and @Aidy booked their tandem touring holiday yet?

    weeksy
    Full Member

    I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!

    You’re right, it’s perfectly normal and why you shouldn’t have been mates for a long time mate. You’re making your life really really painful.
    If it’s any consolation, many/most of us have been there and done the friend thing while waiting… I doubt many of them are with that person now.

    dyna-ti
    Full Member

    My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out

    Did you tell them, because it sounds if you did in order to recruit allies to your cause. And trying to set a group against a stranger cos you cant get over the ex maybe suggests she’s better off without you and as in that saying was it me or was it her, it was you.

    I suggest you dont go, or at least tell her how the club mates found out the entire situation involving your trois, so at least she or the boyfriend can decide not to go seeing as you’ve pretty much spoiled it for them.

    tonyd
    Full Member

    because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it!

    I’d cancel and book another holiday. If she’d have told you her plans you could even have just changed names on tickets and got the new fella to reimburse you.

Viewing 40 posts - 81 through 120 (of 193 total)

The topic ‘Am I being unreasonable here?’ is closed to new replies.