Home Forums Chat Forum Am I being unreasonable here?

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  • Am I being unreasonable here?
  • tpbiker
    Free Member

    Few months ago I posted about ending a friendship with a lass I really liked. She had started dating someone, I was gutted as she was the love of my life.  I told her how I felt and when she didn’t feel the same I told her it would be too hard to be around her for the foreseeable because of way I felt about her,  and we parted ways on amicable terms. For context I had dated this girl previously, and we had remained on very close terms

    anyways, the elephant in the room was that me and her were going on holiday in May with our cycling club. Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else. I had debated not going because it would be tough to be around her but thought what the hell, I’ve paid for it and whilst it would be tough to see her I just have to man up and get on with it

    And now comes the kicker. Transpires she has invited the bloke on our holiday!!! I’m absolutely raging, I don’t care she has a bloke, but I think it’s bang out of order to invite him on a holiday I’m going on, without even discussing it with me first,  given she is well aware of my feelings towards her. I feel it shows a complete lack of respect towards me after 3 years friendship. My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out

    Am I being unreasonable, or is she being a selfish, inconsiderate cow?

    fadda
    Full Member

    You’re not being unreasonable to feel like this, and she is being selfish and inconsidelerate.

    You need to look after yourself, and that may mean not going on the holiday, if it’s going to be too emotionally difficult.

    An alternative might be to speak with her, see if she will change her mind about bringing him, is unlikely to get the result you’d like, since she evidently is insensitive enough to invite him along after your previous conversation.

    Bummer of a situation, I feel for you.

    5
    orangespyderman
    Full Member

    Am I being unreasonable, or is she being a selfish, inconsiderate cow?

    Possibly a bit of both.  You decided, unilaterally, to go on the holiday regardless of the fact she would be there (which isn’t entirely unreasonable, but she may also have been uncomfortable about having you around) and she decided, unilaterally, to go with her new fella which is going to make it difficult for you.

    The proverbial elephant is probably that you should both have had a conversation about the holiday and figured out what would be mutually acceptable/tolerable; but hindsight is a great thing and break-ups usually don’t happen in such ideal conditions.

    14
    jeffl
    Full Member

    She could maybe be a bit more sensitive, but from her perspective you’ve been friends for a number of years and her feelings for you haven’t been romantic for some time.

    I assume she wants to use the opportunity to spend some holiday time with her new fella. This could be the only abroad holiday she has this year.

    9
    theotherjonv
    Full Member

    She might have asked but in general yes, YABU. You’ve both moved on, she’s got a new life with this bloke now but presumably remains a member of the club and he cycles too, why wouldn’t she also want to go on holiday with him.

    My opinion, worth what you paid for it.

    (is this going to be a ‘give me some advice, NO NOT THAT ADVICE!’ thread?)

    1
    vlad_the_invader
    Full Member

    How many people in total on the holiday?

    Whilst selfish on her part, if it’s a large group it may be more tolerable (easier to avoid them) but if there’s just, say, six people in total, I’d consider it bang out of order (but I’d also question the wisdom of going on holiday with her, even if she wasn’t bringing a new boyfriend…)

    14
    alanl
    Free Member

    You are being unreasonable. You are her are not an item, so she can do what she wants.

    You were thinking that you may get back together in the future, but she has different views, and has gone elsewhere. It’s rotten for you if you have feelings for her still, but you can’t stop her seeing someone else. Going on the same holiday could be a bit insensitive, but maybe she has less invested in your (past) relationship, and has no idea that you still think there is a future for you two.

    If there are no thoughts of you and her getting back together, then I cant see what the problem is, you are both single.

    8
    fatmax
    Full Member

    I get the feelings / sensitivities involved, but she’s given you a three months heads up?
    Or were you expecting her to ask your permission and give you the chance to veto him coming? Is that realistic?

    15
    binners
    Full Member

    She hasn’t invited him. He’s invited himself.

    What this boils down to is the questions that have somewhat inevitably arisen…

    “So… this holiday you’ve got planned? You say it’s with your ex? This the same guy who’s just declared he’s still in love with you?”

    Put yourself in his position. How would you feel about that? It’d be straight on my ‘things that will only happen over my dead body’ list

    Time to cut your losses and move on

    Kryton57
    Full Member

    I don’t think is unreasonable, but to expect to stay/travel together is.   The extra few days should be negotiated apart from each other as should your itinerary for those days, and who she brings is her issue.

    As for the group part of it, don’t make it your problem as you will be seen as the instigator but I agree, she should have consulted the group before inviting an outsider.   If the group has another organiser or leader other than you, ask that person to have a word after declaring your personal involvement.

    6
    lunge
    Full Member

    I’m with her here I’m afraid.
    She taking her fella on a group holiday, if it was just the 2 of you and he was number 3 that would be different, but a cycling club holiday? No issues.
    There’s also a chance that she (or her fella) aren’t overly comfortable about being on a holiday alone with someone who’s expressed those (unrequited) feelings towards her.
    I think there’s a fair argument that you should both have talked about it, but in a breakup that rarely happens, and you’ve said yourself that you’ve consciously parted ways.
    You’re absolutely entitled to be annoyed by it, I would be, but I’d also know I was being a bit unreasonable.

    5
    Onzadog
    Free Member

    Just to play devil’s advocate, the opposing point of view might be that because you ended the friendship and broke all ties, there is no longer any expectation for her to be considerate to you and she’s just doing what makes her happy.

    If the holiday arrangements are such that anyone could invite someone else without checking with the others, I assume you all have separate accommodation. It doesn’t sound like you’re sharing a house and don’t necessarily have to share daily activities.

    Seeing her happy with someone else might be what you need to draw a line under it.

    6
    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    I genuinely sympathise mate as it is fairly similar to a situation I was once in.

    But…

    What she’s done has obviously annoyed (hurt?) you but it’s just not her responsibility to consider you unless she chooses to. It’s not even about who is right or wrong, it’s just the reality of the situation.

    I dont mean to sound harsh, I really do sympathise. I tore myself up for years over something a little similar but eventually learnt she owed me nothing.

    It’s brutal this love business.

    16
    oldnpastit
    Full Member

    Yes, you are being totally unreasonable.

    How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she was insisting you couldn’t bring your new partner along? You would have to go and explain to the new person in your life that they couldn’t come on holiday with you because your ex might get a bit upset and start crying?

    Seriously?

    Get over yourself already.

    If you can stay polite and sensible and not be a weirdo then go. Otherwise cancel and suck it up, and go somewhere else.

    5
    Poopscoop
    Full Member

    ^^ Not sure the op merits such a harsh response mate? He’s not asking permission to murder the new guy.

    2
    convert
    Full Member

    Is the club part of the holiday exclusively for club members apart from this chap or are other partners or random cyclists going too?

    But generally yes, you are being unreasonable. As binners says, spin it the other way around and see how it colours in and how happy you’d be in that scenario.

    5
    weeksy
    Full Member

    cancel and suck it up, and go somewhere else.

    Is the obvious answer.

    didnthurt
    Full Member

    Sounds like you swerved a relationship with someone who is not the most empathetic of people.

    Your options are:

    1. Don’t go
    2. Go but ignore them totally
    3. Go and just be civil if you see them
    4. Go and treat it like you’re in your own sitcom and go out of your way to be mean to them.

    People can be assholes shocker!

    Aidy
    Free Member

    You’re being unreasonable.

    But, I’m not sure how cool it is to bring a new person on a club holiday without checking with the group first. Depends on the group.

    That said, I can see how, having declared your feelings for her, she might not want to be on a holiday with you without her partner.

    2
    sharkbait
    Free Member

    Nothing really to add* other than love can be a terrible thing to deal with and I hope you get over her sooner rather than later.

    * Well… I think you may be being a bit unreasonable. I doubt she’s doing it to make you feel bad.

    Actually I’m surprised she isn’t going somewhere else with her fella.

    1
    mert
    Free Member

    My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out

    TBH, this is the only bit that you aren’t being unreasonable about.
    Assuming it’s actually a club event, and not just some people from the same club being on holiday at the same time in the same place.

    after 3 years friendship.

    3 years of hoping that she’d go out with you again?

    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    I’m really not a fan of these teasers for the new “Friends” reboot.

    Its not that she’s being unreasonable, she’s not in love with you.

    I’m not sure you are being unreasonable either, just very naive.

    wbo
    Free Member

    Yes, you are being unreasonable.  You were never an item, you were friends.

    1
    intheborders
    Free Member

    I had debated not going because it would be tough to be around her but thought what the hell, I’ve paid for it and whilst it would be tough to see her I just have to man up and get on with it

    And she presumably paid for herself to go, so “man up” and get on with it”.

    1
    tpbiker
    Free Member

    How would you feel if the roles were reversed and she was insisting you couldn’t bring your new partner along? You would have to go and explain to the new person in your life that they couldn’t come on holiday with you because your ex might get a bit upset and start crying?

    it’s a club cycling holiday we’ve had booked for a year. No other partners are coming along! I’m not saying she can’t go on holiday with him, she can go any time she’s wants. She takes numerous holidays a year. She wasn’t even planning to tell me, so id probably have found out at the departure lounge. Even if she insisted on taking him, surely it would have been fair to let me know!

    Also, it ain’t just me that’s a bit put out by this. She never ok’d it with anyone going and it’s not gone down well

    And no, if the shoe was on the other foot I would not have done that to her.

    rest assured there will be no tears. I’m just angry!

    5
    zippykona
    Full Member

    I would guess you won’t be happy on this holiday.

    Either make friends with her new bloke or don’t go.

    3
    MoreCashThanDash
    Full Member

    rest assured there will be no tears. I’m just angry!

    If there’s any alcohol involved on this holiday, there will be tears.

    2
    jonnyboi
    Full Member

    Yes you are being unreasonable in your feelings towards her. She broke up with you years ago. In your head your ‘relationship’ broke up a month ago. But that never existed in reality beyond friendship and unrequited love.

    whether she has broken an unwritten club rule in bringing a partner is another matter. But you appeared to have extended it anyway by previously planning on flying out sooner.

    considering that you obviously think it’s ok  for her to fly out earlier with you (if solo) , are you staying at the same place as her? She may find it all a bit weird and stalkery.

    4
    convert
    Full Member

    If there’s any alcohol involved on this holiday, there will be tears.

    And plenty of half wheeling.

    2
    tjagain
    Full Member

    How many of the others on this trip are women?

    I really do not see she owes you much and your declarations of love might be very awkward for her indeed.  This may be the only way she feels comfortable!  4 days with someone who she doesn’t fancy but who has declared his love for her?  For her it might be either miss the trip or bring him

    2
    tpbiker
    Free Member

    You were never an item, you were friends.

    well we actually were for just under a year

    3 years of hoping that she’d go out with you again?

    3 years of being her best mate. The person she came to stay with last year so I could look after her after her sister died. The person who she would always come to when things got a bit shit or she needed a help with anythjng. Yeah I wanted more but I was a very good mate to her. And sure I was naive and she probably took advantage to that. But I still think it’s pretty mean of her to completely disregard how I’d feel about him coming along

    Anyways.. tough crowd as always..😂

    3
    nwgiles
    Free Member

    you could invite her mother to join you,

    bonus as she will spend the whole time telling her daughter off

    twistedpencil
    Full Member

    I agree with most of the posters above, it’s your problem not hers.

    You’re still grieving the relationship, so regardless or not you shouldn’t be going away with her full stop. She has moved on, it’s tough, but it’s time for you to do the same.

    Time will sort this, but you do need the time and space to get over this.

    DaveyBoyWonder
    Free Member

    She’s all loved up and wants to take her bloke on holiday. Can’t believe you’re not on tinder yet and enjoying yourself…

    martinhutch
    Free Member

    It’s not an unreasonable personal emotional response. You’re only human and it’s a normal response if you’re still struggling with it a bit. But it’s not unheard of or unreasonable to invite a new partner to holiday with friends.

    But that normally involves getting permission beforehand from all the holidayers (not you in particular). But they should be the ones to politely tell her to disinvite him, not you.

    tpbiker
    Free Member

    She may find it all a bit weird and stalkery.

    eh? It was me who chose to go out before the rest of the group, she then decided to join me early. She was happy to come on holiday with me just the 2 of us only 3 months ago, and she knew perfectly well how I felt back then. So definitely not stalkers

    I wouldn’t even be so pissed off if she rearranged to fly out with the rest of the group, at least then I could avoid the pair of them. She’s booked to sit next to me on the flight ffs!

    3
    nickc
    Full Member

     surely it would have been fair to let me know!

    It is, y’know, none of your business who she spends her time with. You don’t have a relationship with her, she’s free to do what she wants. You don’t have to like it, or give your permission.

    Sorry, sucks to be you, huh?

    3
    ElShalimo
    Full Member

    Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else.

    Am I the only person thinking this is just plain weird given the history/context?

    14
    JoB
    Free Member

    you’re not *really* raging that she’s bringing her new bloke along, if you were just friends you’d be happy for her, you’re raging because he’s taken the opportunity for you two to spend a few days together and you were seeing that as a tiny victory of your ‘friendship’ over her new relationship, and on top of that deep down inside there was the tiny whisper of a breeze of hope that something might happen because you were somewhere nice and all that and even though you knew it probably wouldn’t there was still a hope, the same one that’s been there the last three years.  maybe she invited him because she knew this was going to happen and needed to put a stop to it, as others had said you should have discussed this and you’re being incredibly naive if you thought you two could just be away for a few days together when there was a new man involved

    but also she was incredibly rude in not telling your clubmates that she was bringing someone along to their group holiday

    the best thing for your emotions is not to go, it sounds like she’s ruined your holiday already, you may feel that you’ve ‘lost’ but it will be the best thing for you, you’ll have to suck up the financial costs i’m afraid but this sort of thing always happens. it sounds like you’re far more friends than she is and removing yourself from her orbit is more sensible in the long run

    if you do go are you going to be chewing wasps all holiday and create an atmosphere or were you thinking you were going to turn up and still be the good ‘friend’ because her new man will feel it’s all a bit weird. as it’s a cycling holiday and you’re men and there’s egos involved you’re going to try and beat each other up every hill and everyone will feel embarrassed anyway and wish neither of you had gone

    Aidy
    Free Member

    I totally missed that bit.

    Given the circumstances, I completely get how she might not feel comfortable on her own with you.

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