So she’s moving away after the birth? Does she expect you to do practical stuff to support her before she leaves? That sounds reasonable. Also reasonable to ask for money; babies are expensive and only get more so as they get older. You should be contributing fairly to that, CSA calculator seems fair to me.

5 Hours might seem a long time now but let’s say after toddler age you get 1 weekend in 2? Some holidays etc. Still enough time to build and nurture a relationship with your child. Obviously she is moving to get family support which is critical with younger children. Doesn’t mean it’s for good and as suggested maybe longer term you could move closer.

I would say work hard to keep civil with your ex, being flexible is better for all 3 of you. The fact that she feels guilty about moving is a good sign that she wants your involvement, but need for family support trumps that currently. Good luck, hope things work out.

I already have been to the scans we have had so far and hope to go to the other ones.

What other scans? All being well you only have 12 and 20 week scans and then that’s your lot….unless you pay for extra 3D/4D ones or have complications.

Cynic in me says “Pat” test before you get financially crippled.

Could be just female hormone pregnancy roller coaster so maybe worth waiting it out to see if the relationship is salvageable if you want it.

sharkbait – Member
Why would your presence be making her anxious?

I get the feeling there’s probably a whole back story here that none of us know, so I don’t really understand the rush to judge either side.

Sounds like she’s wants money from what’s said in the OP. Which is tbh, quite right. She’s entitled to it. Beyond that I don’t really see how anyone can take sides.

Going from the OPs comments, only conclusion I think people can come to is that there needs to be some serious reconciliation going on. How that happens only the OP and his ex can know. But it doesn’t sound the ideal environment for bringing up a kid, that really should be the only focus here, what’s best for the wee yin.

The pat testing patter seems a bit off, Op hasn’t even indicated that’s an issue.

I reckon she’s after money. I’d be getting a pat test too in your position.

If she objects, ask yourself “why?”

Check your rights too, she can’t just up and leave with your kid, you have rights too.

Being a Father:

Example 1:

Father drives to see Child once a month, has looks after Child for the weekend.
Mother brings child to father once a month, leaving Child with him for the weekend.
Father has child for a week at a time 3 times a year including Christmas
Skype contact once or twice a week.
Father in charge of buying child’s bikes.

Example 2:
Father sends a shit load of money.
Father sends birthday & Christmas cards and presents
Father is grudgingly allowed supervised access twice a year.

Show Mother both examples and ask which most closely fits her expectations.

Jeez there’s some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty? 😯

If she is giving birth before moving away then there’s no reason why you can’t be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you’ll stay outside until she’s happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

I completely understand why she wants to move close to her family. We live close to my wife’s parents and they are a massive support to her (we have a six month old). However, I think you need to think about how you’ll feel being 5hrs away. Remember when traveling with a baby a 5hr drive can easily become 8-9 (I’ve just done one today, should have been 4hrs, took 7 1/2 with multiple nappy/feed stops and general faffing, plus babies should be taken out of car seat for a while every 2 hrs). Personally I would really struggle not seeing my child regularly, Clearly this will be difficult, but if you can move closer I would think about it.

Oh, do the calculator on the CMS website, get used to paying it, there’s fk all you can do about it

one way ticket to Canada and go and live in the woods?

Why are so many of you nasty?

i’m incredibly fortunate with my lady, but have friends and family that have either been royally screwed over by a vindictive woman or indeed are that vindictive, unreasonable woman (cousin Erica!). i guess for some STWers it is the same. kinda makes them a bit cynical (as am i).

Jeez there’s some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

If she is giving birth before moving away then there’s no reason why you can’t be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you’ll stay outside until she’s happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

If the lady in this scenario posted her version on Mumsnet, I think we would see a similar level of ‘nastiness’ directed at the OP. Simply, while a certain number of folks are prepared to withhold judgement while not knowing all the facts, a large proportion of men will empathise with the guy in this scenario, while a large proportion of ladies, like you, will empathise with the mum to be.

while a large proportion of ladies, like you, will empathise with the mum to be.

I’m not, unless you mean for the actual birth?

I’ve just erased a very long and intimate post about the birth of junior. It wouldn’t have helped you because you need to do what best for you and your ex, especially your ex, in your set of circumstances.

Whatever the circimstances it’s a very big event in her life and as the years go by will probably become and increasingly important part of your life. No grudges, do what’s best for now and the future for all three of you.

Sounds like she wants you to be the father and not the partner. What can the father provide for the child right now? Stuff I guess.

I hope she gives you the opportunity to be the father you want to be. Good luck and hang in there for Jnr.

and as the years go by will probably become and increasingly important part of your life

I’d guess the opposite. You are already being teased out of the process and that will only get worse when she moves away. Then she’ll take up with someone else and it’ll get even worse.

Congrats; you were a sperm donor, now you’re a cash machine.

The lack of compromise being shown to you as the father is staggering. It’s hard to see a middle ground with such an unbending attitude.

It’s a horrible situation. I dread to think how it got to that stage.

Not a great situation but you need to accept it and try to work towards the best outcome for all of you plus others that have an interest such as your parents (if still around).

My advice would be to offer at least the financial assistance that you have to under CSA guidelines and also pay for some of the multitude of things a newborn will require.

After she moves maybe make a monthly trip to see the baby and take your mum/aunt/sister (someone who has childcare experience) so that your ex is confident the nipper will have good care whilst with you (AirBnB is your friend for a cheap overnight stay).

When you have the kid always be contactable by her and return it at the agreed time.

Do not let the new kid totally define you and get on with your life but be sensitive about any new partner(s) in your life – your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Also make sure that both of you are completely clear on the status of your relationship – i.e. no chance of a reconciliation.

Good luck – fatherhood has been the best thing in my life – I hope that you enjoy it too 🙂

Jeez there’s some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

If she is giving birth before moving away then there’s no reason why you can’t be at the hospital, just not in the room as baby arrives. Reassure her that you’ll stay outside until she’s happy for you to go in to meet the new arrival.

As long as she’s getting what she wants, eh. The OP gets to pick up the bill and dance to her tune. I think he’s been used as a sperm donor. Now she’s got what she wants he can **** off and pay for her baby.

your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Good grief.

Some lemons one here tonight.
She is pregnant all kind of crazy going on inside her. Just ask her what she wants from you 12 months later.
If it’s cash stump up however it’s your child too how much do want to be involved .

Good luck

being a father means putting your progeny front and center in your life. don’t matter if you and the mother don’t get on, it’s about the little pink monkey creature now.

at least you can now get a house dedicated solely to bikes and set up a plumbed in, stainless steel tanked microbrewery.

You’re **** anyway so be the good guy. The bairn might appreciate that in time.

Join the Foreign Legion and change your name whilst you still have time.

As a father of two (9 and 11 yo), the phrase ‘start being a father’ is unhelpful at this stage (I’m still learning what it means). However, being a sounding board or supportive other half is well within your capabilities. It took me a long time (and a tough period of PND for my Wife) for us to realise that the hormonal changes the mother goes through are really quite significant.
The other practical aspects of your situation I don’t think can be ameliorated by anyone but you but stick with it; parenthood is incredibly demanding but you get out exactly what you put in (my 9 yo son has just played Smoke On The Water on his guitar for the first time and I nearly cried).

I think Big John puts it well for life beyond the birth.

Jnr’s dad (so to me he should really be Step Jnr!) isn’t father 1 in that example, but he’s not father 2 either. He’s never contributed financially to Jnr’s upbringing and the OH has never asked him to. But he’s also not really contributed to Jnr’s upbringing from an emotional and social aspect either. We all get on fine, he does see him but only every few months. We live a couple of hours a part but we meet part way when Jnr is going for the weekend to make it easier for everyone.

From this experience I would say being a father to your child should be about being there for them as much as you can. As little and as often as they like when they are growing up (and given skype and the like exists it’s really easy to keep in contact, better than just a phone call). When you move on in life, maybe get a new partner, wife, kids etc… then be fair to the other one you have, involve them and include them as much as they want. Make sure that you try to keep all things equal as much as possible – it’s things like this that have really messed with Jnr.

He’s never contributed financially to Jnr’s upbringing and the OH has never asked him to. But he’s also not really contributed to Jnr’s upbringing from an emotional and social aspect either.

I assume that OH has never asked him to. I would further assume that OH has not asked him ‘to be a father’ and then scarpered to live many hours away.

The OP and his Ex are going to be inextricably linked for the rest of their lives. Making that as hard as possible for him is a pretty low trick.

Again, with the caveat that only one side of the tale is posting here. I’m sure it’s a lot more nuanced than that.

You’re right, my OH didn’t ask him. She just assumed that he would kind of take on that responsibility. Things were slightly different to the OPs position too though, my OH and Jnr’s dad were together until he was 3. She also didn’t relocate until a couple of years after they split up.

I’ve tried to do my part, but I think to Jnr he kind of resents his dad’s new life and partner and whilst he visits (reluctantly nowadays) he never really feels that he’s particularly welcome and he blames his dad for that.

I was just trying to give examples for the OP to consider… which would obviously be much further down the line.

your ex may be five hours away but she will probably monitor you on social media and may react badly if she sees you being too happy too soon.

Good grief.

CG this pearl of wisdom was based upon actual happenings in a very similar situation to the OP’s.

A friend of my wife had a boyfriend who was the father of a girl which was the result of a brief fling that the guy had. Similar physical separation too (Manchester and Glasgow).

The guy did his best to be a supportive father, paid more than the CSA rate, saw the kid regularly despite the hoops he was made to jump through. When he got together with my wife’s friend the child’s mother saw this on Facebook and stopped him seeing the kid for three months and only agreed to restore access when assured that the wife’s friend would not be there whilst the father had access.

A pretty crappy situation but he had to suck it up if he wanted to see his kid without taking the nuclear court option.

Any reasonable person would not act this way but single mothers with limited adult contact and lots of time on their hands have been know to make odd decisions. If the OP wants to avoid possible grief of this type I think my advice is good.

Jeez there’s some real Neanderthals on here. Why are so many of you nasty?

I suppose its because she’s planning on taking the guys child and moving 5 hours drive away.

Its just too far away to be a real “father” as she is asking. Therefore the request makes no sense.

I would imagine that is why alot of guys are becoming very cynical.

I suppose its because she’s planning on taking the guys child and moving 5 hours drive away.

She’s about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

Here’s my take. She has made a vague request, you are interested, but you clearly are not getting along. So, I would recommend using a family mediation service, or another trusted third party to help you understand both your expectations and responsibilities. Once you have done this, get it all down on paper and signed by both parents. You could agree to review the agreement annually.
Best of luck.

She’s about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

This. The ‘start being a father’ comment could mean a variety of things, depending on the context of the conversation. It’s quite usual to feel a bit spiky and defensive when your life is getting upended by a surprise pregnancy.

I don’t think the OP has enough information yet to work out what his future role will be in all this. Could be financial, could be more, and I don’t think the moving away thing tells you much about her attitude.

She’s about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

So, it’s a democracy when it comes to footing the bills and a dictatorship when it comes to anything else.

Time he put his balls to more use that impreganation.

So, it’s a democracy when it comes to footing the bills and a dictatorship when it comes to anything else.

He got her pregnant, they split up, she’s trying to get the best support for the baby. Shall we book you in for an empathy transplant?

Hoemones during pregnancy and for probably a year after will mean she will seem at least a little unbalanced. It’s natural.

She is dead right, grandparents support makes life much easier, ad-hoc babysitting, etc.

If you really want to see your child, can’t you move closer? Once he/she is born, nothing will seem too much effort.

I understand about the ‘moving closer’ bit, I really do, but I would likely be the end of a career where I am now and a large drop in salary for the next job. That’s leaving aside a house move and no certainty with being any more able to contribute.

I’ve thought a lot about what I thought being a father was going to be and have tried to put it into words for her. I’ve also invited her to let me know what she thinks it means, just so there is no confusion between us. So far, I’ve heard nothing back about either of those two.

I’m hopefully going to be seeing her this coming week and may get a chance to talk to her about things then, but I don’t know for sure.

She’s about to give birth for the first time, and will be raising a new baby as a single parent. Moving closer to her family seems like a very sensible thing to do.

I didnt say it wasn’t, there are always many ways to view of a issue.

But ultimately being 5 hours away makes it pretty difficult for the poster to be a father at any time other than say every other weekend and holidays.

Its alright mentioning Skype and stuff, but my daughter (2 in a month) has only just managed to stop pressing the hangup button on her Gran.

She still quite often runs away from the a phone / tablet because she doesn’t fancy it or starts looking out the door for Granny.

To be honest she just doesn’t really like Skype, she’d rather just see her Gran.

He got her pregnant, they split up, she’s trying to get the best support for the baby. Shall we book you in for an empathy transplant?

She played no part in it the conception then? It’s either a joint enterprise or it’s not. I wouldn’t be railroaded into being little for more than a cash dispenser.

Who’s we, you and your mumsnet buddies?

She played no part in it the conception then? It’s either a joint enterprise or it’s not. I wouldn’t be railroaded into being little for more than a cash dispenser.

Who’s we, you and your mumsnet buddies?

You do seem to have pressed the ludicrous hyperbole button. Back in the real world, nobody is forcing the OP into being a “cash dispenser”, because he has the right to see his child. Try to stop the knee jerking for a minute and think about it from her point of view. It doesn’t sound like a barrel of laughs.

I’ve just had a baby. It’s a stressful time for mum at the best of times, so expect lots of irrational decisions, flip flopping of opinions and generally high levels of emotions.

It’s pretty difficult, but you’ve got to be calm supportive and firm no matter what she says (even though you’re not together)

But there’s no getting away from the fact that a 5 hour journey is very very far when the babies newborn. It will make it almost impossible for you to be heavily involved, at least in the first year, unless you move closer IMO. Mum and baby will inseparable pretty much 24/7 for the first few months if she’s breast feeding.

It was 4 months before my partner could leave our daughter with me and go out, and that was only for one evening.