This is difficult to write, so bear with me, but I really do need some advice and, in the absence of specific individuals, STW usually provides in the end…

My ex and I split up when she was 14 weeks pregnant with our child (long and complex story). We’re at 25 weeks now and on a rare face to face meeting last night she told me that I need to start being a father, something I found odd given that the baby is not born yet, she’s living apart from me and the chances of us getting back together are effectively zero.

After the birth I’m going to have limited ability to see the baby (she’s planning on moving away), so I don’t know what to do. I know other people that have split up when they’ve had kids and what they have done, but I don’t know anyone that’s been in this position, so I am at a total loss.

So, with 15 or so weeks to go before the birth, how does one go about being a father? What can/do I do? What can/do I do on the occasions I’m able to visit?

Given the multitude of possibilities, perhaps a conversation with your ex in regards to her expectations would be instructive. What does being a father mean to you? Also, how didn’t you consider the question before you got her pregnant?

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I’m aware that I don’t know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

I think the only way you’ll find out what’s required is by asking your ex. Find out what her expectations are and consider whether you’re able to meet them. Everything else is guesswork.

Sorry not much help, but I thought better that than clouding the issue further.

Good luck though, I hope you’re able to find a way forward that works for all three of you, unless it’s twins in which case all four of you, unless it’s triplets in wh…

I may be unduly cynical,but given that the relationship is over,and she’s moving away,you might find it involves money.

Three_fish, I did think about that, I thought about how we were going to live together and raise a child together as a family. I did not realise that we were going to fall out and she was going to split up with me.

Si, I can see that and I am well aware of how CSA payments are going to screw me over. She’s frequently said that she wants emotional support and not physical support. I solve problems, she doesn’t want that. She wants someone that is going to make her feel better emotionally and I can’t do that apparently.

I agree with Si here, sadly.

As above, ask her what she actually means. It’s a rather vague statement. I’d be looking for access rights if I were you.

https://www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

guessing this is the statuatory, up to you if you pay more beyond this, I guess.

*I have no experience what so ever in being a father, but agree, sounds like money.

siwhite – Member

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I’m aware that I don’t know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

This ^^^ me first thought.

Money, plenty of money for the next 18 years or perhaps slightly more to sustain specific lifestyle.

Ask yourself honestly – do you want to be a father to a child you’ll hardly see?

If so you need to start making access rights arrangements.

Whatever way you’ll need to agreed some sort of maintenance plan – ideally legally, not what your ex thinks she needs.

The ‘father’ bit – no one can help you with this, it will develop.

siwhite may have hit it on the head..

After the birth I’m going to have limited ability to see the baby (she’s planning on moving away), so I don’t know what to do. I know other people that have split up when they’ve had kids and what they have done, but I don’t know anyone that’s been in this position, so I am at a total loss.

Other than financially this is (effectively) up to HER.

Finances aside: I’d suggest you either are or are not… I wouldn’t want to make the emotional commitment only to have it pulled if/when she feels like it.

As to “being a father”… I think that depends on individuals and expectations. I found it hard meeting the OH’s expectations when mine was a baby but increasingly easy/natural as he got older..

TBH I asked a load of people pretty much the same question…. I’m not a baby person… doesn’t mean you don’t love them but it’s like I love music but stick a cello in my hands and I’m WTF do I do with this…

As he got older I found being a father just came naturally.

Did you discuss her moving away and how that would impact on you and your rights/responsibilities as a father?

A phrase you will no doubt have heard many, many times.

“If you have to ask…”

I’ll offer a less cynical (possibly naive) voice: if it is her first baby she’s probably terrified and would like your support at prenatal classes, scans etc and maybe some assurance that you’ll be there at the birth.

You don’t owe her that obviously, but you are both having a child and will both be parents, so you need to be involved from the start, which is now.

It’s quite a stressful time in the last few weeks of pregnancy, so some general support might be good (might help both of you find some common ground to build on.)

Keep in touch and find out how she is and what she needs
Things to buy for the newborn
Birthing partner conversation??
Antenatal classes

You are about to be parents, just because your relationship has gone tits up doesn’t mean you can’t make the most of something new.

EDIT: the grahams have beaten me to it :0)

Graham, I asked her about being there for the birth last night she said that it is going to be a stressful time for her and she does not want me in the room with her, nor does she want me to cut the cord. She does not think that I will be able to provide her with the support that she needs at that time. Her mum will do apparently.

I do go with her to scans (two so far), but being involved now is difficult given our relationship. When she moves away it will be more so. five hours each way will make visits a trek.

I’ve checked and I have zero legal rights until the baby is born.

My first thought was “money” and I can see I am not alone in this thinking. From what you have written, she is making it very difficult for you to do anything else other than put your hand in your pocket. Sorry.

This will likely sound rather blunt, and I’m aware that I don’t know your ex from Adam, but my gut reaction to reading your post is that she wants you to put your hand in your pocket.

Well thats the cynical way of looking at it. The positive way is to say that she wants you to be actively involved in bringing the nipper up right from day one. This can only be a good thing. For everyone involved

I know from experience, even when you’re separated, bringing kids up is a damn site easier when both parents have a good, none-confrontational relationship. That way the kids have not one, but two happy homes, and grow up in an emotionally stable environment where they know they’re loved, and feel secure.

And at the end of the day, that’s all that matters

Good luck, and enjoy the ride. Its terrifying, testing, but also the absolutely best thing in the world. 😀

Edit: Just read the distance involved, journey wise. If it were me I’d be doing everything in my power to talk her out of doing that! For everyones benefit

That’s a bit of an odd statement that she doesn’t want you cutting the cord, I left that one to the nurse/doctor!

Need to ask her what she means but also ask yourself what you want, and have a discussion with her about that.

And then diarise your discussions

Well thats the cynical way of looking at it. The positive way is to say that she wants you to be actively involved in bringing the nipper up right from day one.

… but she doesn’t want him anywhere near at the birth and they rarely meet face to face? I think you’re being exceptionally positive there Binners – it does sound like a money thing I’m afraid.

I’d say that not being present at the birth isn’t really that surprising. And as someone on here once described it: “like watching your favourite pub burn down”, but I don’t suppose this applies in this case? 😉

I know from experience, even when you’re separated, bringing kids up is a damn site easier when both parents have a good, none-confrontational relationship. That way the kids have not one, but two happy homes, and grow up in an emotionally stable environment where they know they’re loved, and feel secure.

This is very true and hopefully the environment my daughter will continue to grow up in. However her mum and I live 5 minutes apart, not 5 hours.

She expects you to pay for everything. I’d wait and get a paternity test when the sprog’s put in an appearance. Unless you can get them done prior to it popping out. Been a long while since I’ve been in your position.

Do you think this move 5 hours away will be permanent? Seriously, how is that going to work out as regards you spending time with baby once it’s born? You need to discuss this before baby is born.

Also bear in mind that pregnancy messes up hormones and after the birth they may still be messed up for a while. So of course she may not be her normal self.

She expects you to pay for everything. I’d wait and get a paternity test when the sprog’s put in an appearance. Unless you can get them done prior to it popping out. Been a long while since I’ve been in your position.

Dear God.

C_G, yes, it will be permanent. She comes from that neck of the woods and her family is there and she wants to move back to them. I totally understand that and she said it was something she felt guilty about.

she does not want me in the room with her

She might be saying that in the hope you’d come back and insist on being there for the birth and all the classes/scans etc.

“being a father” could easily just be a hormone fueled bit of verbal nonsense she’s already forgotten. I wouldn’t be putting it down to a cunning demand for cash just yet.

Is her mum fairly sane? Could you talk direct to her to find out what her daughter really wants?

No, I think she’s serious. Last night when we were trying to talk about this she told me that my presence was making her anxious and she did not want the same thing happening during the birth. It’s also very intimate time and we’re no longer intimate, so no being there. I can understand that last part.

I get the feeling I can insist all I like, but I’ll get escorted out of any room I go into or told to leave.

The pre-natal stuff I think is a possibility. I already have been to the scans we have had so far and hope to go to the other ones.

She sounds like a cow.

Sorry, but she does.

She sounds like a cow.

Sorry, but she does.

She’s well bloody pregnant, how exactly should one behave when having the life sucked out of you by a parasite after your relationship has just broken down.

I’m not saying that she’s being exactly helpful but give the girl a break.

Oh, do the calculator on the CMS website, get used to paying it, there’s fk all you can do about it. I’d probably start putting the money aside now. If you’re currently living hand to mouth you don’t want to end up on collect and pay where there’s a nice 20% premium to pay as admin fees.

How long were you with her before splitting up? Don’t see from what little information has been given here why the woman is getting stick.

If you want to be a father then be one. Nothing to stop her moving away back to the support of her family and friends. Nothing to stop you moving a bit closer either.

Willard … my OH didn’t want me present at the birth.. flew her mother over

When it came to it she completely did a 180… didn’t want her mother and wanted me there. (and we were not intimate for 9 months at this time and I was sleeping on the sofa)

Have you looked into NCT classes ?

I don’t know how that would work 5 hours apart…. but they are actually surprisingly good (or ours were and I hear a lot of similar)

Overall you have to find out what she wants from you…
She wants you to act like a father but is moving 5 hours away?

Moving 5 hours away (for whatever the reasons are) is obviously more important to her.

This is very true and hopefully the environment my daughter will continue to grow up in. However her mum and I live 5 minutes apart, not 5 hours.

I share a house with my sons mother but not a bedroom… it’s far from ideal in many ways but it beats 5 hours!

Should also mention if you do want to “be a father” you should make sure you are present for the birth cert and your name is on it.

Wow, without even knowing her and the issues she is a cow. All she asked was that the guy start being a father. Just wow.

Anyhow, you say there is no chance for you to be getting back together and that she possibly plans to move away etc etc etc. All she has asked is that you start being a father. Maybe, just maybe its a last ditch attempt to get you to do something worthwhile other than the obvious. Maybe she is offering you the chance to get involved and prove yourself.

Been through it twice and from the memories ingrained in my soul I remember having to do quite a bit between 15wks and the birth. Things get a little more difficult for the mother. Shopping, driving, housework, even just general life becomes a little harder. Yep, she may want some money off you but that’s a part of you she is carrying in there and its 1000 x more important than your bike/car/house/holidays etc so worth considering.

Have you asked her if she needs any help with things. Even simple things. It may just turn her from the seething animal who hates your guts to a reasonable human being who considers you feelings when making decisions about your kid.

You’ve talked a lot about what she wants – and I agree with those saying you need a proper conversation with her.

I haven’t seen anything about what you want from this – it’s your baby too. What would you like to see? What relationship do you want with your child in 10 years?

If you make her anxious now I can’t see you playing a big part in her plans for the little dude.
Frankly she sounds a little nuts… Why would your presence be making her anxious?

You mean apart from having to find another house, job, career five hours away? I get your point, but I can see that screwing me over a bit.

We got together in about September last year after knowing each other for about four months before that.

Its certainly not a great situation and its difficult to see how you can become the part of the Child’s life as if she meets someone else, it will become very difficult for you.

Really, its down to you….whether you want to fight for the access and go through all that involves or let her go and pay what you owe from afar and pick up whatever crumbs you are thrown in the years ahead.

Obviously, you don’t know your own mind yet, as you haven’t met the child. When that happens, expect a complete rush of emotions that could dramatically change how you think.

I think you have to agree to her request that you’re not present at the birth. Not easy but neither is anxiety.

Did she ask you what your thoughts were on her moving so far away? Yes, she wants the support of her family but this isn’t about them. It’s not a given that she’ll settle back into the family fold in any case.

Does she want to go the legal route with regard to access and child maintenance?

A sad situation that will require plenty of dialogue to work out what’s best for the baby. I wish you well.

Thanks C_G.

I think the moving back is a given and she has said it is something she feels guilty about. I told her at the time that she should do the best thing for her and the baby, so I guess I have nothing really to complain about in that regard. I don’t think there was anything I could have said that would have changed her mind anyway.

Why do I make her anxious? I don’t know for sure, but I know she doesn’t like arguments and we’ve had several of those. She has a way of thinking about things and mentally protecting herself and I don’t fit well with that.