Viewing 40 posts - 201 through 240 (of 308 total)
  • 16 year old son smoking weed
  • Premier Icon chakaping
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    Maybe don’t show him the thread, or at least check with your wife or whoever.

    Might not be well-received.

    Premier Icon boomerlives
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    is it actually possible to kick a kid out at 16? – I thought parental responsibility lasted until 18.

    Apparently not. Under 16 the rozzers can bring him home and the parents have to take him in. (so long as there is no danger at home).

    Over 16 the authorities have to deal – the parents can effectively wash their hands of him, if that’s what they want. He’ll be ‘in the system’

    It’s an extreme step, but if there are other kids in the home being endangered then your options shrink and become less palatable.

    Edukator
    Member

    In answer to greenskin, it’s not zero tolerance on D and D in either France or Germany (drink an drive or drink and drugs?) except for the first couple of years after passing a driving test in France when alcool 0.2 is effectively zero tolerance. It’s .5 otherwise in France and Germany. The UK is the highest allowed level in Europe IIRC.

    On the drugs front there’s a risk of failing the saliva test for cannabis for about 24 hours. If you’re in an accident and they blood test the glow is several days. In Both France and Germany you’ll get industrial quantities of shit to deal with if you fail a test.

    greenskin
    Subscriber

    @Edukator, ah makes sense then. When I was posted there I was a new driver, that’ll be why we were told it was ‘zero tolerance’ as the limit was so low. Bit of artistic licence to scare us into not doing it. Doesn’t surprise me the highest allowed level, we seem to be dragging behind continental europe in many ways.

    On topic, I’ve applied for a couple of volunteer roles with a charity here in Leeds intervening and supporting those with substance issues. Hopefully I make the grade and can turn it into something meaningful. 24 years in the Army and I’d rather use my skills and knowledge to help others rather than make some douche in a suit richer.

    Premier Icon tjagain
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    England and ~Wales and NI Edukator not UK. Scotland lowered the limit a few years ago

    alpin
    Member

    On the drugs front there’s a risk of failing the saliva test for cannabis for about 24 hours. If you’re in an accident and they blood test the glow is several days. In Both France and Germany you’ll get industrial quantities of shit to deal with if you fail a test

    The last sentence is very much true. A while World of shit to deal with.

    scu98rkr
    Member

    As a father of 2 little ones, I have to say this thread is very scary in someways.
    In how little I relate to any of it !

    All this about not being able to or maybe not wanting to stop him taking drugs, there always going to dabble as a teenager, wanting to rebel against parents etc etc .
    Means nothing to me.

    Its not that I was nt angry as a teenager. There were plenty of kids at school I hated, plenty of things I wished I was better at, ie the usual socialising, being cool and talking to girls.

    But i’d have never of thought of any of it as my families fault, they were generally doing as good a job as they could. I had a warm house, some good toys and decent holidays in Wales as a Kid what more could I ask from them ?

    And I never thought of going against them while I lived at home.

    Once I’d gone to uni I did smoke a couple of times, but that was about it.

    If my kids turn out to have all these feeling of rebelliousness or anger towards me it would come as a major shock and I’d be totally ill-equipped to handle it.

    The sort of issues I’m expecting are them wanting to play too many computer games or sit in painting warhammer models instead of getting outside and doing real stuff.

    Premier Icon weeksy
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    If my kids turn out to have all these feeling of rebelliousness or anger towards me it would come as a major shock and I’d be totally ill-equipped to handle it.

    The sort of issues I’m expecting are them wanting to play too many computer games or sit in painting warhammer models instead of getting outside and doing real stuff.

    I imagine he felt like that before this thread too. I imagine all of us are the same…. but these things happen and they happen to nice people.. Sometimes there’s not a lot you can do about it.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    He was allowed up town yesterday,  meet me at 3pm as agreed, then the 6pm curfew passed. He was only 8 minutes late, but I saw him put something in the hedge. Couldn’t find anything this morning though.

    The ex came over for a brew, I saw Laurie ironing a top and thought nothing of it. One minute later I heard the door shut and he’d buggered off again. Went after him but he was long gone. Messaged him to say it’s about time he stopped acting like a Muppet, and that dinner was at 6pm. He turned up at 5:45 slightly stoned.

    So his newer mobile phone that I took to the police station can stay there for another week. I’ll be searching his room tomorrow and burning anything I find. 20 months until he’s 18 and can then go and find his own way in life if he’s not stopped being a disrespectful idiot.

    Forgot to mention he’d got at least a grade lower in every subject below his predicted for his mocks. He’d scrape into a levels as it is, so I thought maybe that would have got him a bit more focused.

    Maybe it’s just an escape at the weekend.

    On the flip side his sister did amazingly, and is super focused. I can only nag so much, it’s down to him.

    Premier Icon offcumden
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    It’s an incredibly tricky situation, I used to be a care coordinator at a drug treatment project for just over a decade. We’d get terrified parents in a similar situation dropping in or phoning up practically daily (although we didn’t work with people younger than 18, we’d have to refer them somewhere else).

    From what I’ve read, I’d say you’re playing it practically pitch perfect. Getting that optimum position between wanting to be there as a parent and letting the kid know that their behaviour is unacceptable is a difficult balancing act. I’ve seen youngsters where the parents didn’t give a single, solitary s*i* come to their senses when it got very heavy, legally speaking. Then kids with every parental advantage going think they could behave how they pleased and go down a very sad route in life. And practically every variation in-between the two extremes.

    I think we sometimes forget just how much youngsters change from one year to the next. A year is like a decade at that age. Hopefully, by this time next year all this will just be a memory and your lad will be studying hard for his A levels.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    Another update. Police officer has informed me that there is evidence in the phone that Laurie has been buying coke and weed for his friends before Christmas. The police have to act on this. He’s suggested that they need to arrest Laurie, drag him down the station, lob him on the cells for a few hours then call us and release him. To do this means they’ll need to add it to his record, it’ll only show up on an advanced check.

    Anyone know the implications of this for future employment?

    They have suggested we talk to them before going down this route, not sure what the other options are. If he sells something in the future that kills someone is struggle with the fact we had the choice and did nothing. As for his record, well that’s been his choice so he’ll have to live with it.

    Wwstwd?

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    I find some tobacco, rizzla’s, a lighter and an empty weed bag. Lobbed them all in the wood burner. After 3 hours he’s now asking for the stuff back, I’m denying all knowledge.

    He’s pissed off, told me he hates me, his sister hates me, that’s why I’ve got no friends. Going to be interesting when he wants to learn to drive in 8 months…

    Premier Icon matt_outandabout
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    Wwstwd?

    Cry. Give you a big hug.

    It’s sounding like he doesn’t want to speak to you. It also sounds like if things continue this way, he’s going to be taken to the station anyway, likely with gear in pocket or system.

    I’m thinking that it happening with some officers who understand the situation in control is a better way of it happening.

    Premier Icon oldnpastit
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    I have no useful advice. But as a father of a somewhat wayward son, I can say it does get better eventually, but it hurts a lot along the way. When I say better, I mean after leaving home.

    Premier Icon Cougar
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    Harsh as it sounds, at this juncture I can’t help but think that a few hours in the local nick might do him some good. Boy needs to learn that actions have consequences.

    And I sure as shit wouldn’t be funding / helping an addict learn to drive.

    Premier Icon twistedpencil
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    Nothing useful to add @jonesyboy apart from agreeing with matt above. Feel for you and your family, it sounds like the choices you’ve made so far have been right, so keep on trusting your instincts.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    Oldnpastit, I can see this one going that way quite rapidly which is really sad. So frustrating to see a kid make such stupid decisions.

    Halfway through typing that I heard him trying to get into my safe as that’s where he thinks his baccy etc is. I flew downstairs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shoved him out of the way. Got the safe back, and he’d already hidden a back door key previously. So he’s now walked 3/4 of a mile in his socks to his mum’s.

    Why the hell would you need a joint that badly I’ll never know!

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    Latest plan to keep him grounded is to take all his clothes away apart from school uniform. Also from a self perseveration point of view I now don’t worry too much when he does a runner.

    Premier Icon seosamh77
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    jonesyboy

    As for his record, well that’s been his choice so he’ll have to live with it.

    Wwstwd?

    I think taking him to the police is nuts tbh.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    Really? He’s been dealing small amounts of coke to his friends, what next, pills and someone dies?

    Premier Icon seosamh77
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    Each to their own, wouldn’t be me.

    Once he has been educated on his choices with his first discussion with the police then as soon as he kept doing it I would have informed police.
    You can only take things so far, no point in showing/teaching/threatening the consequences then not going through with them later. I have a friend who has a family member in heroin addiction, started with the mild stuff when they were younger. Now it’s tearing the family apart as they have tried to help him for years and he’s taken everything they’ve given him and thrown it back in their face.
    Made your bed, now lie in it would be my stance.

    enfht
    Member

    I flew downstairs, grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and shoved him out of the way.

    ..is the point you probably lost your boy for good. Well done numbnuts.

    Premier Icon Poopscoop
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    🙄

    Premier Icon MoreCashThanDash
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    I think some time in the cells is the only option now. Whether that’s in a “controlled” situation as the Police have suggested or getting busted for real in a few days time, I know which one I’d choose.

    As the parent of a 16 year old lad, my heart breaks for you. So much love and hope invested in them. We’ve been so fortunate the way ours has turned out so far, MrsMC works in children’s services so I hear about the other side every night when she gets home.

    I believe from what you have told us that you have truly done the best you can for him, but there comes a point where you can do no more other than give them the options and support to make the right choices. Then it’s down to them. And I fear you are reaching that point. You may need to be brave and let him face the consequences of his actions.

    Premier Icon timbog160
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    Heartbreaking – I have no real advice but my suggestion would be that whatever you do try and keep talking to him and keep the lines of communication open. Really do wish you the best of luck.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    @enfht not my finest moment I’d agree, his mother is worried he’ll end up in care if he complains about that. I’ll drop his school uniform off at hers in a bit and see what he has to say about it all if anything.

    Edukator
    Member

    not my finest moment I’d agree

    Don’t worry about it, you didn’t try to strangle him or thump him.

    Sounds like you’re at the open war stage. He’s going for maximum provocation, you’re the target of all his frustrations and anger. Why? I figured it was because he could. Anyone else would have locked him up, beat shit out of him, thrown him out, ostracised him… . It’s not you he hates, it’s his world, so you could say it’s a proxy war.

    I wouldn’t have handed over the phone. I went to the (French) police for advice but didn’t drag him along or give them any “useful” information. That might be because of local values, Vichy France and all that. I let myself be the focus of his anger. Not very comfortable at the time, very happy with the decision now.

    You and his mother are the only people he can turn to and depend on, be there.

    Premier Icon boomerlives
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    Just ignore enfht; he’s being a nob. After weeks of psychological torture you are excused an over-reaction.

    He really is in the grip of this stuff; he seems unable to even pretend to be in control of it. I hope he finds his way back.

    Premier Icon weeksy
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    Sheesh man. Tough calls again, again and again.

    I still don’t have much of use for you. I was a fairly wayward kid. Spent a few hours in the cells at times for various things. Eventually i calmed down, but i can safely say that my parents actions didn’t co-incide with that at all, in either a good sense or a bad one. I simply ‘changed’ and sorted myself out.
    As for you grabbing him, hell, my parents did worse, i deserved all of it and more… I don’t begrudge you that. I don’t begrudge them it, even in the future i do understand their actions at times.

    One thing though. One particular time in cells i do recall VERY vividly even now sitting here on the sofa i can picture the reality of it, the colours, smells, the door, the locks, the seriousness. So maybe, maybe its part of your answer.

    But, we sit and watch things like Ross Kemp, or Prison series, the simple fact is, some people who have good backgrounds, simply turn to crap and offend, just how it is

    taxi25
    Member

    After weeks of psychological torture you are excused an over-reaction.

    Not an over-reaction at all. Can’t believe how well your trying to cope with all this, I wouldn’t have done half as well. Hope it works out for your son but it does feel like the whole situation has still has got some way to run 🙁

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    I think we can safely say this thread will reach double digit pages. You never know after we’re through this one way or another it may be a good read for others who find themselves in the same boat.

    Premier Icon tjagain
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    Why the hell would you need a joint that badly I’ll never know!

    You don’t. Its not addictive is the proper sense of the word at all.

    My view very strongly is that this behaviour is from mental health issues / teenage rebellion type stuff and the cannabis is a symptom / self medicating issue. He is making it a trial of strength between him and you and being reminded he is not the strong one in this situation drives the behaviour

    Premier Icon tjagain
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    As for the over reaction – perfectly understandable – you are human as well.

    Pauly
    Member

    The consequences for him longer term are severe if he gets this put on his record, even if it only comes up in an “advanced check”… Travel restrictions, limited job opportunities etc.
    I’d make him fully aware of the impact of this before involving the Police further.

    Premier Icon tjagain
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    Criminal records as children do not come up in checks I thought – but I don’t know the cuttoff ages. Plese check.

    NO entry to the US for example if you have a drugs bust.

    Pauly
    Member

    No entry to Australia either.

    The consequences for him longer term are severe if he gets this put on his record,

    Only if convicted, a simple arrest means nothing and doesn’t flag up in anything, whether an old Disclosure or even a CTC (counter terrorism) deep dive check. I doubt even with the phone whether there would be anything like the evidence needed to constitute public interest.

    As an aside, once he realises you have lowjacked his phone then all bets are off. Phones are cheap and plentiful, if he wants to go dark then he can and will.

    Premier Icon jonesyboy
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    He knows about the phone as I took him with me to the station to give him a talking to and hand it over. That’s probably why he’s not speaking to me apart from when he wants something.

    Premier Icon boomerlives
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    That’s probably why he’s not speaking to me apart from when he wants something.

    That’s my son’s default setting anyway 🙂

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