is it actually possible to kick a kid out at 16? – I thought parental responsibility lasted until 18.

Apparently not. Under 16 the rozzers can bring him home and the parents have to take him in. (so long as there is no danger at home).

Over 16 the authorities have to deal – the parents can effectively wash their hands of him, if that’s what they want. He’ll be ‘in the system’

It’s an extreme step, but if there are other kids in the home being endangered then your options shrink and become less palatable.

@Edukator, ah makes sense then. When I was posted there I was a new driver, that’ll be why we were told it was ‘zero tolerance’ as the limit was so low. Bit of artistic licence to scare us into not doing it. Doesn’t surprise me the highest allowed level, we seem to be dragging behind continental europe in many ways.

On topic, I’ve applied for a couple of volunteer roles with a charity here in Leeds intervening and supporting those with substance issues. Hopefully I make the grade and can turn it into something meaningful. 24 years in the Army and I’d rather use my skills and knowledge to help others rather than make some douche in a suit richer.

On the drugs front there’s a risk of failing the saliva test for cannabis for about 24 hours. If you’re in an accident and they blood test the glow is several days. In Both France and Germany you’ll get industrial quantities of shit to deal with if you fail a test

The last sentence is very much true. A while World of shit to deal with.

If my kids turn out to have all these feeling of rebelliousness or anger towards me it would come as a major shock and I’d be totally ill-equipped to handle it.

The sort of issues I’m expecting are them wanting to play too many computer games or sit in painting warhammer models instead of getting outside and doing real stuff.

I imagine he felt like that before this thread too. I imagine all of us are the same…. but these things happen and they happen to nice people.. Sometimes there’s not a lot you can do about it.

It’s an incredibly tricky situation, I used to be a care coordinator at a drug treatment project for just over a decade. We’d get terrified parents in a similar situation dropping in or phoning up practically daily (although we didn’t work with people younger than 18, we’d have to refer them somewhere else).

From what I’ve read, I’d say you’re playing it practically pitch perfect. Getting that optimum position between wanting to be there as a parent and letting the kid know that their behaviour is unacceptable is a difficult balancing act. I’ve seen youngsters where the parents didn’t give a single, solitary s*i* come to their senses when it got very heavy, legally speaking. Then kids with every parental advantage going think they could behave how they pleased and go down a very sad route in life. And practically every variation in-between the two extremes.

I think we sometimes forget just how much youngsters change from one year to the next. A year is like a decade at that age. Hopefully, by this time next year all this will just be a memory and your lad will be studying hard for his A levels.

I have no useful advice. But as a father of a somewhat wayward son, I can say it does get better eventually, but it hurts a lot along the way. When I say better, I mean after leaving home.

Nothing useful to add @jonesyboy apart from agreeing with matt above. Feel for you and your family, it sounds like the choices you’ve made so far have been right, so keep on trusting your instincts.

Once he has been educated on his choices with his first discussion with the police then as soon as he kept doing it I would have informed police.
You can only take things so far, no point in showing/teaching/threatening the consequences then not going through with them later. I have a friend who has a family member in heroin addiction, started with the mild stuff when they were younger. Now it’s tearing the family apart as they have tried to help him for years and he’s taken everything they’ve given him and thrown it back in their face.
Made your bed, now lie in it would be my stance.

🙄

Heartbreaking – I have no real advice but my suggestion would be that whatever you do try and keep talking to him and keep the lines of communication open. Really do wish you the best of luck.

not my finest moment I’d agree

Don’t worry about it, you didn’t try to strangle him or thump him.

Sounds like you’re at the open war stage. He’s going for maximum provocation, you’re the target of all his frustrations and anger. Why? I figured it was because he could. Anyone else would have locked him up, beat shit out of him, thrown him out, ostracised him… . It’s not you he hates, it’s his world, so you could say it’s a proxy war.

I wouldn’t have handed over the phone. I went to the (French) police for advice but didn’t drag him along or give them any “useful” information. That might be because of local values, Vichy France and all that. I let myself be the focus of his anger. Not very comfortable at the time, very happy with the decision now.

You and his mother are the only people he can turn to and depend on, be there.

Sheesh man. Tough calls again, again and again.

I still don’t have much of use for you. I was a fairly wayward kid. Spent a few hours in the cells at times for various things. Eventually i calmed down, but i can safely say that my parents actions didn’t co-incide with that at all, in either a good sense or a bad one. I simply ‘changed’ and sorted myself out.
As for you grabbing him, hell, my parents did worse, i deserved all of it and more… I don’t begrudge you that. I don’t begrudge them it, even in the future i do understand their actions at times.

One thing though. One particular time in cells i do recall VERY vividly even now sitting here on the sofa i can picture the reality of it, the colours, smells, the door, the locks, the seriousness. So maybe, maybe its part of your answer.

But, we sit and watch things like Ross Kemp, or Prison series, the simple fact is, some people who have good backgrounds, simply turn to crap and offend, just how it is

As for the over reaction – perfectly understandable – you are human as well.

Criminal records as children do not come up in checks I thought – but I don’t know the cuttoff ages. Plese check.

NO entry to the US for example if you have a drugs bust.

The consequences for him longer term are severe if he gets this put on his record,

Only if convicted, a simple arrest means nothing and doesn’t flag up in anything, whether an old Disclosure or even a CTC (counter terrorism) deep dive check. I doubt even with the phone whether there would be anything like the evidence needed to constitute public interest.

As an aside, once he realises you have lowjacked his phone then all bets are off. Phones are cheap and plentiful, if he wants to go dark then he can and will.

That’s probably why he’s not speaking to me apart from when he wants something.

That’s my son’s default setting anyway 🙂