[Closed] You can forget your cancer, laxative overdoses, amputated feet and snapped banjo

I warmed my pea and ham soup in the company microwave and it wasn't uniformly hot all the way through.

This afternoon I will be working on my CV.

I have a Brabantia breadbin stuck in my ass.

I once cut chillies - and then rubbed my eyes. It doesn't end here though - I then went for a piss. Fool.

Stingy!

TAFKSTR - don't then go and have sex.

TAFKSTR: Ha! friends of mine were indulging in a bit of early evening nookie, 'cept that he had just been preparing dinner and chopping chillies, needless to say whilst going through the (ahem!)pre-ride warm up... she quickly realised that the hot flush was turning into a burning bush! Literally.

You think you've got problems?

After work this evening, I have to go to the vet's to pick up some anti-depressan tablets. For my CAT. Seriously.

I think I may be living in some strange parallel universe.

Oh, and the onion that I chopped last night made my eyes water.

mightymule - what is the criteria for prescribing AD med's for a cat depression?

I'm intrigued. Does you cat look REALLY pissed off? Is it feline down all the time?

[i]what is the criteria for prescribing AD med's for a cat depression?[/i]

that was my thought. Our cat sleeps for 23 hours a day and only wakes up so we can watch it eat. I can't see that it's either got anything to be down about or capable of showing us if it did.

Im a student...today i had to go to work,feel my pain .

I had to google the banjo thing

I wish I hadn't

I suspect this counts as a mortal injury in the context of this thread;}

Christ! Do you think they'll be able to re-attach the rest of your toes? Or are they still in the threshing machine somewhere?

I have an ass stuck in my Brabantia breadbin.

I went to the toilet a lot on Wednesday and my bum is a tiny bit sore from all the wiping. Will I live?

I went to the toilet a lot on Wednesday and my bum is a tiny bit sore from all the wiping. Will I live?

Overwipe? Fatal.

Sorry.

I tried to take a contact lens out yesterday, only to find (after much pushing, tugging and pulling) that I'd already removed it

I just swallowed a crisp without crunching it properly and it's now slicing me open from the inside as it goes down

Gosh, if only I'd known when I opened that pack of toilet roll that it would be my last . . .

My feet are hot.

But I have a stone in my shoe 🙁

My wife once closed the car door on her hand. She closed it so firmly that it actually clicked shut.

My wife only has one fully functioning hand. The other one is not able to open a car door. Guess which one was trapped?

She wimpered very quietly for me to come and open the car door for her, so she didn't alarm our (then) very young son.

That smarted a bit, I should imagine.

A few months later she fell off a stool and hurt her foot. We all toldd her it was probably broken. She ignored us for two weeks. Then I got a phone call to say she had popped into A&E to get it checked, and could I come and pick her up as she was in plaster from her toes to her hip.

You don't mess with MrsMCTD, I can tell you.

I stubbed my little toe TWICE today

THERE'S NOTHING MORE ANNOYING

I'm feeling faint from blood loss after thinking of all the soapy fun you could have with Helen's breasts from the jungle programme.

blood loss? Or just blood being in a different part of your body.

Unless you were *thinking* a little bit too hard about it, and snapped your banjo

Epilator#. Behind the knees. Nuff said 😕

#Shaving those guns is not a sustainable option.

I think I've got an eyelash in my eye. Will I live?

slowmart - Member

I'm feeling faint from blood loss after thinking of all the soapy fun you could have with Helen's breasts from the jungle programme.

Well, they're not really hers are they? 🙂
Take out a loan and I'm sure you could get a pair just like em.
You'd never leave the house again, I bet. 😀

"Itchy, flaky scalp?" yes, bloody yes I have :(((( and I've got a big scab on my palm which is all gooey and gross cos I fell off my bike again. And then I went over a pothole commuting back from work and the ****in scab came off in my glove somewhere. It's pissin me off. Bah!

My wife just asked me why there was no ingredients list on the 100% grapefruit juice. Not making a smug comment gave me a headache.

The major reason for emigrating was to rid my life of the agony of standing on a UK 3 pin plug ever again.

lego x 6. 😥

I have leather seats in the car, it was a hot day, roof down, Lycra shorts on, post ride sitty down on seats, tried to get off seats.. No chance.

[b]UPDATE[/b]

Whilst others were mincing about at Strathpuffer I fell on one of these in a soft-play centre.

[img] [/img]

Nasty.

Not making a smug comment gave me a headache.

This is fully and completly the most dangerous, cancer inducing, bloodpressure increasing , heart attack promoting activity. The World Health Organisation have rated smug retention as up there with smoking, petrol drinking and washing up as the most dangerous activities known to man.

My hypochondria is acting up again. 🙁

I have a split in my thumb which refuses to heal, a small 5mm cut surrounded by hard skin. I went to pick something up without looking and stabbed the split with a very pointy woodsaw tooth. **** me sideways, that was painful.
It has now been sealed with superglue, which has been surprisingly effective... and is almost like a second skin. I may bathe in it tonight, but fear the resulting invincibility might draw too much attention.

I was unexpectedly dentisted this morning. 🙁

(To be fair, I was expecting the dentist - just not the x-rays, injections and fillings!)

I think I may have had one too many beers last night while gloating over the Liverpool result. Not quite worthy of being called a hangover, but I'm not at my best. Poor me 🙁

I decided not to ride in this morning because of the ice, then fell over in true feet 3' in the air fashion getting into the car. Now have a groin strain and no one in my office will rub it better. 😥

If we're doing updates my 'can I have your bike' thumb injury has now progressed to;

[IMG] [/IMG]

Double whammy. It's a bit cold in the office and the bright lights are making me all squinty 😐

A couple of years ago I picked my nose after chopping up a scotch bonnet. I cried.

You're all a load of softys. I have an itch in the small of my back I can't quite find and it's driving me crazy. Let's see you lot cope with trauma like that.

After wearing a hat earlier, I keep thinking I still am. This is intolerable.

my mate once wiped his bum on some yellow fluffy stuff sticking out of the wall cuz no bog roll. it was a bit more scratchy than izal

One day when I was younger my mum had been using her curling tongues, at the same time my dad was sat watching tv in his shorts oblivious to my idea which was to hold the still red hot tongues against his shin, I can't explain the noise he made but how I'm still here today is a testament to the control and patience my dad has! 🙂