[Closed] when to end a relationship?

Do you both want to save the relationship? Not "can it" be saved but do you want to. If so counselling is the next step. If not then break up now.

My vote is for if you're not row-ing to the point where it's damaging the lad stay together until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it. (First year of Uni?)

making fairly big decisions without talking to me.

Yes, frustrating, why do they do that? Presumably because they know it's a bad decision.

Louise?

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW /ˈmɪɡtaʊ/) is an anti-feminist, mostly online community advocating for men to separate themselves from a society which they see as harmful to men, and particularly to eschew marriage and cohabitation.

I'd agree, but once kids are involved it's not that simple.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help, up to him what he does with the knowledge

Kids can suffer more at uni age as “home” is gone and they are not there helping to make the new one whichever it is.
Basically the younger they are the better they cope.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help, up to him what he does with the knowledge

Yup, wasn't dissing your (perfectly valid) post, just adding my own comment.

Kids can suffer more at uni age as “home” is gone and they are not there helping to make the new one whichever it is.
Basically the younger they are the better they cope.

I accept young kids are resiliant. I'm less convinced that mummy/daddy *ing off is anything other than very bad for them and less bad once they've left home.

...but I had that covered by:

until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it

If that's now, great, the OP has no problem, * off now and live a life of jet skiing, partying, biking and tinder. Everyone's a winner.

Being grumpy, never socialising together.

I know this may seem flippant. It isn't. Its a daft piss-take article, but there's a lot of truth in it:

Secret of successful relationship is getting pissed together

I'd be very worried if me or Mrs Binners didn't fancy socialising together. Surely that's a major part of being in a relationship? Wanting to do stuff together?

If neither of you want to do that, then I'd knock it on the head and move on, to be honest. For everyone's benefit

all the above EXCEPT Tinder, he doesn't want to come out of a frying pan into a fire does he, Lol

I’d be very worried if me or Mrs Binners didn’t fancy socialising together. Surely that’s a major part of being in a relationship? Wanting to do stuff together?

Nail on the head for me, obviously Mrs swavis and not Mrs Binners though 😉

stay together until you think the lad is ready to cope well with it. (First year of Uni?)

One of my mates parents split up literally the day after he went to university. His opinion on it:

"I wish they'd have done it ten *ing years ago, instead of me having to put up with sharing a house with two people who *ing hated each other"

A living hell for everyone involved. Nobody will thank you for that

Similar thing happened with my parents, it got worse when i went to uni approx 10 years ago.
Mother finally moved out last year. It was awkward for everyone in the house and not a very pleasent atmosphere. Its a strange thing growing up like that especially when you know others families seem to just get along ( missuses family are all very nice to each other etc).
Now things are alot better and they are talking like friends rather than enemies. Im not sure how old your son is but they will notice eventually that things arn't right and could make things worse for them.
Just my 2 cents, families are weird yet can be wonderful. I hope it works out.

**** off now and live a life of jet skiing, partying, biking and tinder. Everyone’s a winner.

I’m sure that this is a facetious comment, but speaking as a dad who moved out from the family home when the kids were 3 and 4, I’m afraid to report that working hard enough to sustain a home large enough to have the boys there, then taking on my share (50%) of the parenting did not leave much time for jet skiing and partying, and as soon as you are honest about having a kid, your Tinder success rate will take a nose dive too. It ain’t a bed of roses if you actually take responsibility for the stuff that you should, is all I’m saying.

Was still the best decision I ever made though. My relationship with my lads is more healthy and happy than it ever could have been, and I’ve entered a new relationship now (with my eyes open) with a woman who is incredible and my equal or better in every way, yet for some reason seems to quite like me.

I always find the debate on what age is best age for kids to survive a separation an odd one. I think it's the quality of the relationships after between all parties that matters more. From personal experience if I thought that say staving of separation for a few years until the kids were the 'ideal' had been a plan, I could only have seen this being the worst course of action for all parties.

In respose to all the "better of apart" comments obvs I'm not for one second suggesting staying together if that's not the best thing for the kid in this case. I just get the feeling this relationship is more of a 'spark has gone' situation rather than "atmosphere damaging the kid" scenario.

So I'm just saying IMHO doing what's right for the kid(s) should (IMHO) be the priority. (...and that's just my opinion, other views are equally valid.)

....but it does raise the interesting question of "What if you make your kid's life miserable for some other reason?". What if you have chronic depression and you're wrecking the atmosphere at home for your kids such they they'd be actually better off if you left? Are you obliged to leave then?

I’m sure that this is a facetious comment, but speaking as a dad who moved out from the family home when the kids were 3 and 4, I’m afraid to report that working hard enough to sustain a home large enough to have the boys there, then taking on my share (50%) of the parenting did not leave much time for jet skiing and partying, and as soon as you are honest about having a kid, your Tinder success rate will take a nose dive too. It ain’t a bed of roses if you actually take responsibility for the stuff that you should, is all I’m saying.

Ok, but then you say this.

Was still the best decision I ever made though. My relationship with my lads is more healthy and happy than it ever could have been, and I’ve entered a new relationship now (with my eyes open) with a woman who is incredible and my equal or better in every way, yet for some reason seems to quite like me.

So you *are* having more fun than when you were with your ex, it's just yuor idea of fun isn't jet skiing and partying, it's being in a new relationship.

Re. the kids, and I openly say this as a non-parent but having seen it in my siblings who do; kids need to grow up in an atmosphere of love. If the love has gone between the parents they'll sense it and suffer from it, rows or no rows. As someone on here once said (it may have been Binners, apologies if not) "they're much growing up in two happy homes, than one unhappy one".

OP, I can't offer advice but I do offer my sympathy. I hope that you can work through it.

To the others, please forgive me for speaking out of turn. "MGTOW" are more than anti-feminist, they are a right wing extremist group which advocates social separation between white men and everyone else (except for prostitutes).
I've nothing against those opinions, I'd be quite happy for you to disappear into your man cave and to not see you out on the trails. I don't think this is the thread to be having this discussion and it seems that you are praying on the vulnerable in the knowledge that any challenge will derail the thread, this is known as grooming and can be likened to the techniques used by the ISIS.
However I felt the need to say something as I find it quite intimidating to think that I could meet some of these attitudes out on the trails, and that they would go unchallenged.

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Literally the worst advice.

Thanks the replies... an update.

She went to walk the dog were looking after to "sort her head out" and sure enough decision made we're seperating... Gutted!

So now i'm going to have to find somewhere to live thats close enough, i'd like son to be able to walk round when he wants. But not too close.
Mortgages are a bitch to sort out when money is tied up all over the place.

Am very down, mate is away and cant come round till monday so ended up going to work (got this week off sick note) to talk to someone. Cried all the way home and now trying to work out where to live and not feel used.

As for the socalising comments, we did love going out together but something changed wether it was her being more BS/ show off/ centre of attention or me being kill joy grumpy guts couldn't say. Its too late now anyway.

Been advised to look at counciling referral from doctors, can you do that? It hard keeping it together.
I need to not sit on my own all the time (i recognise that at least) and habe seen some meet up groups, not dating!, just talking s##t to people might help.

I'll probably keep updating this, even no one reads it just writing down helps.

Another child of divorce over here; parents split when i was 11-12, father continued to live abroad (and distant in every other way, until recently) so i was predominantly raised by my mother. It affects kids no matter what age they but IMO the younger the better, they adapt better. At uni, I always knew where ‘home’ was and never had any uncertainty because it had been there for a number of years. A few of my mates have acted out much more detrimentally to parents splitting during uni.... I do see my mates parents who are now 50-65 and still in love and get jealous of the loving/complete households they grew up in.
Advice from a 28 year old; peel back your relationship and start again. Go on dates and pretend you just started dating again, try to impress her and visa versa, give yourselves the opportunity to fall in love again and to have fun. Now doubt you are very different people to when you first met, and a ‘fresh-start’ could go a long way to rejuvenating things.

*EDIT: just saw your reply and feel a bit like a t!t. Ill leave my advice as it could you in the future or to anyone reading the thread*

Where are you fella? There's plenty folks here who will provide you with a pint, a shoulder and an ear. Some have been through similar themselves.

I'm one, FWIW, in Cirencester. PM me if you need to.

Stay strong sumo. Your lad will need you to.

Really sorry to hear that. Even when it takes on a certain air of inevitability, its tough when it happens.

Its hard, but you need to try and think long term. IHN quoted me above.... Ultimately it's a lot better for kids to have two happy homes than one unhappy one. What they need is to feel secure and know that they are loved and supported. And theres more than one way of doing that. This doesn't mean you love them any less.

Whereabouts are you? I'm always happy to talk. I've been where you are now. Its a few years down the line now and life is absolutely bloody brilliant! The journey to get here wasn't the easiest but please try and think longer term. It gets easier

If you want to PM me I'm happy to chat about it. And please keep updating this. This place is great for support

Good luck

Sorry to hear that you are going to split, but if she is the one that wants it why are you the one that needs to move?

I think it’s the quality of the relationships after between all parties that matters more.

This +1000 I split from my ex when our three boys were all under 7 but we both agreed that their needs came first and the boys have never had to worry about mum & dad being at the same social functions or playing one against the other.

Good luck, hope it works out well for all three of you, I'm sure it will.

I’m a bit scared to be alone again to be honest i’ve no friends & sitting in a house wont be good for me.

It sounds like you're in a similar situation to the one I was in 2 and a bit years ago, and a bit depressed (understandably due to the circumstances).

Try the counselling, but be open to moving on (it sounds like you're coming to terms with this). Even if you end up living in a bedsit with your kid there half the time, that still leaves time for 3.5 women of tinder a week 😉

And from my experience, even if you feel like that, a lot of people come out of the woodwork. If they don't, then get out riding and find people that way.

If she wants the split then she moves out surely?

Edit - is she working? ?That alters things a bit in my book

Sumoname, Youtube MGTOW, you will get Much more help from that than you would on here.

Sounds like harmful, misogynistic bollocks to me. I reckon you'll get far better advice right here on STW.

From my own experience, parents getting a divorce/separating when child is at university is very disruptive.

It happened to me, where my parents had an emotional but amicable divorce.  I pretty much had a breakdown in my first term - where I felt completely destabilised and alone.

Living away from home and the support and reassurance that parents can give, meant I felt adrift and extremely isolated. It added a new and negative dimension to the ‘freedom’ of leaving home.  Freedom can feel a lot like loneliness if the circumstances are wrong.

Take home message so far is if you’re a right wing misogynistic t*** then please direct yourself to MGTOW where you’ll find all sorts of like minded bellends.

I also just saw your update.

The same applies. You'll feel a bit lost, it's a big change, but I'd like to understand a couple of things - why are you looking for somewhere else? Don't do this whilst still on the mortgage unless you're absolutely sure you'll sort things out amicably, and even then prepare to see her change. Does she pay the full mortgage? Is she happy to buy you out? Your circumstances may be different from mine but if I did this it'd leave me up shit creek without a paddle.

Get out for a bike ride or two, clear your head. Sounds like you've had a rough time. You'll get through all the administrative crap one bit at a time.

just trying to help him see a bigger picture, he asked for help and that will give him help,

How is telling someone that only one picture (you point them at a deeply biased, misogynistic/masculist internet-cult) is a ‘bigger picture’ than OP would get from reading a cross-section of support on here?

ie

Much more help from that than you would on here.

Doesn’t make sense as you‘re basically saying look at a smaller picture

Sorry to hear your news OP.

However, it sounds like she has been involved with someone else and has been planning this for a while. You don't make a decision like this while walking the dog.

Don't move out, that is the biggest mistake you can do, unless your are not bothered about the financial matters of the divorce.

There is no one else involved, things are complicated with finances as we have some rentals though we do have a written agreement about who gets what from the sale. I'd perfer not to move but it's whats best for the kid that matters.

We get a chance to talk properly tomorrow when he is at a birthday party.

Can't think about it at the moment, trying to understand where it's gone so wrong i honestly thought we would be together for ever (and never apart?).
Thanks for the offers of beers/ chat i may have take someone up on that.

Am near mansfield in notts.

 I’d perfer not to move but it’s whats best for the kid that matters.

Beware of rolling over under the what's best banner.  The house is just a small part of the picture.  It may even be better that you sell up and both find new places than end up in an unbalanced situation

Been through it as child rather than parent. Experience here seems worth adding to mix.  It is a fight so better to stand up sooner than later

Good luck

So you *are* having more fun than when you were with your ex, it’s just yuor idea of fun isn’t jet skiing and partying, it’s being in a new relationship.

Actually, the main plus of being out of the previous relationship is having a decent, healthy relationship with my boys, which was proving impossible within it.

The fact that I am now in a far healthier relationship is an unexpected bonus.

My point is, if you have small children that you should be taking responsibility for, a playboy lifestyle probably isn’t realistic.

Too many* men walk away from relationships and use it as an excuse to walk away from their parental responsibilities as well. And then whinge when they are made to pay maintenance.

And as for ‘MGTOW’; Just wow. Any bloke that thinks that’s a reasonable worldview needs to take a serious look at themselves.

Would also like to second (third?) the ‘don’t assume that you moving out would be best’ advice. It’s outdated and sexist. You are an equal partner in regards to parental responsibility.

*Obviously loads don’t, too, but it definitely happens.

Can we keep the MGTOW discussion to another thread please fellas.

My parents split when I was young. To not be living in a house with a horrible atmosphere was a relief

Kids pick up on bad stuff. Make it a happy home even if that means parting.

Just to clear up the house thing.
1) We have quite a clear legal document on who payed what into the house(s). I have to work so son is best with mum unless use breakfast and after school clubs. Though it suck i have to leave a bigish house.

2) I'm looking now as a house has come up on the next street which keeps me close to my son. Thats important.

Isolating myself has already caused me enough problems i really need to learn the oposite.

The hardest thing at the moment is not crying around the house and trying work out what to do moving on.

Just build a patio, that way you can both enjoy the summer sunshine in peace..........

A difficult night with little sleep.
One thing that keeps going around my head is why do i have to leave when she is ending the relationship. It seems to be stuck there over an over but to challange it wil cause problems for us and son will be in the middle of it.

I'll get "bought out" but that will take time as i'm the main regular earner. Where she was able to bring large cash lumps for deposites etc.
She does have the option to move into the let soley in her name, again that woukd take time and i'd have to remortgage to by her out.

I've looked into child maintenance and thats Ok.

Still dont 100% belive its happening.

As a kid Mum & Dad went through a bad divorce where there was lots of arguing and dont want that.

Can we keep the MGTOW discussion to another thread please fellas.

No, because it's vile and that kind of crap needs to be roundly condemned the minute it rears its ugly head. Besides, it's not discussion but just universal disapproval I'm pleased to say.

I know you want to stay geographically close, so your son can easily move between homes, but I would be wary of buying too close - you really don’t know how either of you would react to the other starting a new relationship and if things get difficult Bumping into each other (and partners) could be unpleasant. Of course, it could be perfect.

but it’s whats best for the kid that matters.

Feel you you chap, I've been through this a s a child and as a parent, and I was determined that the experience I had when I was younger didn't happen to my kids. Like you and your missus, my relationship just sort of fizzled out, I don't think either of us could probably list the things we were unhappy about that caused the split, and we remain friends now. I moved out, to a smaller house, and just concentrated on my kids and rebuilding my life. I got lucky and sorted my self financially pretty quickly, but unlucky when my ex decided to move herself and my children 250 miles north to Newcastle, but after talking to her, I understood why and agreed it was the best thing for her and the kids. So for a long while I spent Friday and Sunday driving up and down the M1...

You sound like a organised sort, you'll survive, it might get a bit tight for a bit, but you'll get through that I'm sure. Give your children too many hugs and tell them too many times that it's not their fault and tell them too many times that you love them.  If you want tips then some rules that seemed to work for us were:

Try not to argue in front of children, try not to lay blame on each other, and don't slag each other off to children. However you feel.

These things happen, it's shit but they do, and it's largely no-ones fault. Try not to resent each other's continued existence and happiness, remember if your ex is happy, then the kids largely will be as well.

Kids first, money second. I know sometimes that they're inextricably linked, but try to bear the kids in mind when sorting the money

That MGTOW stuff looks mad, quite frankly

Like others have said on here, happy for you to contact me, I'm in W Yorkshire, if you need a pint and I'm close

So just had a chat about money and houses, hard nof to feel done over and kicked out and it started getting ugly till we both backed off and calmed down. Got two viewings this week and some financial advice is being sorted this week.

Broke down at thought of not seeing son every day, i know the relationship is over but i still dont want to be.

Spoke to a mortgage advisor about agreement in principle, alot less than i thought.

Did think of the simpsons clip with all the ex husbands howling.

If i had any advice it would be to get legal advice. Not a mate, but priper legal advice. However it seems, it will get messy

Feel for you mate. Have been through this and out the other side, all of us considerably happier than before. Hope this is the outcome in your case. Definitely seek competent legal advice. You do not need to move out immediately, it would be best for a clear path forward to be nailed down.

In your case, where she has equity but you are the main earner, I would have thought that selling and splitting finances would make more sense. How would your ex run a big house on minimal income? Better for both of you and your son if living standards are similar. Does your ex have legal representation yet?

How would your ex run a big house on minimal income?

This. I bet she’s got some ideas, and I’ll bet you won’t like it.

Wife and I separated 18 months ago, 2 boys 11 and 14. I moved back in with parents whilst looking for a house near my kids. I'm mid 40's so no spring chicken. It was gutting, also very tearful all the time at the thought of why did things go south and not seeing my boys every day.

Imo getting upset is the right response it shows you care and that you understand the important parts of your relationship with your family. Getting drunk and shagging birds is a horrendously destructive approach. Backing off when things got heated shows both of you understand the importance of being reasonable.

My wife bought me out of the house and it really felt like I was being pushed out of the family, excluded and generally not wanted or needed. This couldn't have been further from the truth, just my perception as I was the one leaving. It was the right thing though painful but right. Took over a year to find the right house. See my kids most days andmy relationship with the ex is really positive. Honestly the best thing we did, should have done it before in reality.

There is light at the end of the tunnel even though it may not feel like it right now. Pm me if needed.

Thanks for all the kind comments, it's difficult seeing any positives in this.

I know i'm partly to blame for the break down of the relationship but not totally and i dont think now is the time to drag over that dispite being totally crushed by it. I really am going to be lost without my family and daily hugs.

To start preparing to be normal person an not constantly wishing to not wake up in a morning i went out last night to meet an internet social group. Only stopped out an hour but forced myself to talk to strangers and make conversation (i'm rubbish at this but have zero friends so need to do something).
Had as good a time as can do, came home kissed son good night and went to sleep. Only 4hrs though not sleeping is bad as sat alone in silence just thinking.

One of the big problems we've had is a recent (last july) house move, it was rushed i didn't get to see the inside until we moved in and it's never really felt like home for me until recently. (Irony)

We cant move forward now until some financial advice comes back to us. If they cant come up with a soultion then we might have to sell everything or i buy her out of here not sure yet.

Son will have to be with mum as my work doesn't fit around school and hospital oppintments. She is also better at arranging playdates and social stuff but how that changes at 12+ we'll see.

Leagal advice might have to be sought just in terms of access holidays etc, am not sure yet.
Thanks for the support it has really helped, today is going to be another tough day on my own. I really must get some work done (have been off sick nearly 2 weeks) but struggle to focus on anything.

Hi OP I’ve just recently been through a similar process. Please get some legal advice as soon as possible. I waited as I wanted to be amicable, and ended up having to go to court to get reasonable access to my son. I’m in Southwell if you fancy a beer/walk/ride

So we have had a good talk. The relationship has been a bit ropey for some years bouncing up and down. We both have faults and contributed i would seem me more than i realised which makes me feel bad for behaving badly at times (grumpy moody and a black cloud).

Anyway the air is cleared(ish) no possibility of reconciliation so need to be strong to move forward. It will be tough in the same house till i can move out but we are not on bad terms the relationship has just ended.

Am ashamed how bad my depression has gotten me, being a black cloud and letting things get to me.

Going to look for some decent counciling this week.

Am ashamed how bad my depression has gotten me, being a black cloud and letting things get to me.

Don't take this badly, but it is not your fault because you are not well.

Seek help - GP to start with. Lots of threads here.

Don’t take this badly, but it is not your fault because you are not well.

Thanks
To be honest i think i've been trying to battle it for a while, we even had a conversation that ended "we both cant be on anti depressents" back in October.

Doctors will be fed up of seeing this month with migrains and joint problems.

Just cant seem to snap myself out of it, thats why this thread helps just writing it down seems to help.
My only concern would be doctor to sign me off work, i need to be out the house and around people. Going to plan what i'm doing this week to try and keep busy.

For what it's worth,

With the benefit of 30 years' hindsight, the answer to "when to end a relationship?" is when the answer to the question "is this person making my life better or worse?" is a negative one. You only get the one life.

As for kids, I don't know for sure but I have a sneaking suspicion that the only reason my mum kept my dad around was for my benefit, keeping the family unit together sort of thing. Which would be ironic if true because if she had got shut of him I'd have been... well, "overjoyed" is probably too strong a word but there was no love lost between us, put it that way. In an ideal world your kid might end up with two pairs of loving parents.

It does sound like you have a shot at amicable. You still need legal advice and perhaps mediation to keep a balanced view. Medical support for your mental health should be another priority. Emotionally it's tough to be separated from your kids, but because time is limited we make more effort to do special stuff. And I value that time more. Being prepared to compromise is critical, if both of you can do that it means you are focused on what's best for your son.

If you’re suffering from depression then you need to address that before anything. Believe me, I know. It’s an illness, so it needs treating

Once you’ve got that under control then that massively effects your outlook on everything else and your capacity to deal with it

See if there are any groups like this around you. This was set up by one of my mates and has made a massive positive difference to so many peoples lives. The opposite end of the spectrum to that nasty, misogynistic MGTOW bollocks

https://rammymen.org/

I'm in Mansfield, know a reasonable councilor and a good Nottingham solicitors' company.
Member of a few local biking groups on Facebook and meet up regularly on a Thursday in one of the local pubs if you ever want a chat.
Been through similar to you a few years ago too, it gets better once things start getting put in place.

Doctors will be fed up of seeing this month with migrains and joint problems.

Just cant seem to snap myself out of it, thats why this thread helps just writing it down seems to help.

No they won't, they may well suspect.

Trust me, it's not something you can snap yourself out of, it just isn't like that.

Keep writing...

If you're suffering with migraines and joint problems then you need to be pro-active in getting those dealt with. Don't underestimate how draining poor physical health can be so you're better off fixing that first which should in turn help with your mental health.

Had a night (pints) with a friend, we grew up together next door to each other as kids practically family.

Feel alot better just talking to someone i've known for so long, talk s#$t inbewteen stuff that matters. Got a rough plan of doctors, written agreement of access and maintenance (how does that work? Online calculator say £300/ month if i have him 3 days a week) and focus on new house for me, then rebuild life.

He backed up whats already been said "get it in writing while its amicable".
The time between now and moving will be the hardest but don't feel am on my own in this.

Actually looking forward to work and telling people.

If this thread ever helps anyone please dont isolate yourself like i did, it has been the biggest negative on my life so far.

Hopefull for more hgan 3hrs sleep tonight.

This is the worst bit for me.
Sat alone in bed at 3am, just me and my thoughts. They go to some bad places but keep going for my boy.

It taken half an hour to write this, its not for any attention or action. Just writing gets it out there.
Am finding being alone for what feels like a long periods of time after 15 years together very difficult.

I’m really sorry to read about your situation. I’ve no real words of advice I’m afraid, other than I’m thinking of you.

Keep writing whatever pops into your head sumoname, doesn't matter,no one here will judge.

Best of luck, keep on keeping on at all that bollards 👍

Like others above I can't really offer any practical advice but I am genuinely sorry to read about your situation. Keep your mind on your lad and keep posting on here to unload your thoughts.

Don’t underestimate how draining poor physical health can be so you’re better off fixing that first which should in turn help with your mental health.

Don’t assume your mental health is lower priority than your physical health and all you need to do is fix the latter to get better.

Make notes. Take to doc. Discuss all the issues. Highlight your concern about being signed off. Make sure he knows about lack of sleep - it’s probably not making the physical or mental issues better.

Keep at it, get something negotiated and written down - you will need to involve lawyers to make anything written down actually sticks, they might push one or both of you to challenge things, so make sure you have included and documented everything.

And don't feel down about feeling down, you're dealing with a lot and you'd need to be insane not to.

First day back at work today.
An OK day talked to people at work and was honest, people in our office were nice and offered help if i needed.
Had training this afternoon and was a bit hard as the woman delivering reminded me of my partner (that should be ex). To be honest i struggled through this but by the time it had finished was OK.
I've been to the doctors and he offered self referral to insight, i didn't want meds (taking enough). Confirmed sounds like i've had depression for a bit.

Before work i wrote down some ideas/ outlines for agreement of access to son, maintenance etc. Ex was seeing a lawyer today so was a good time. We agreed on most things and are going to go ahead with the legal side just to prevent any problems in the future.

We've had some progress with the finances as well and should be able to instruct applications this week, i'm viewing a house on Wednesday that is about as ideal as it can be.

We had a good talk discussing the progress made so far and it's been quite a positive day.

I realise that the relationship has been bad for both of us, with both having a negative effect on the other. My behaviour at times has been appalling (never violent though) and depressed or not unacceptable. Am quite ashamed on this part.

The sad thing is we do love each other and hopefully will still be friendly once properly separated and settled down.

The support I've had from people (strangers and colleagues) has been great, have felt good overall. we'll see what the night brings.

Am quite ashamed on this part.

Positive and constructive self criticism is a healthy learning experience. Remember you're not that person anymore, as you've become aware of past behaviours which you have no intention of repeating, right?

Last post sounds very promising mate. Looking back over the marriage I was an absolute **** at times, unrecognisable personality to who I am now or thought I was before. I am so glad we split when we did. Have a very good friendship with my ex, we don't have anything in terms of access or maintenance legally certified. We have an informal "1 night midweek, 2 nights weekend" arrangement which suits us all pretty well. I pay more than I should for maintenance, clubs and childcare because I can afford it and my daughter should have a good standard of living in both houses.

First night without hitting the pain kiilers (not dangerous amount). The 2-3 hrs awake in the middle of the night is still really tough, and can get quite dark.

Keep dweling on really daft things like when to start dating (fun) again which just seems a stupid. But i think comes from when ex has helped her friends though a split with "get under one to get oved one" advice and trying to protect myself from the enevitable when she meets someone else.

Got a busyish day which should help providing i can focus.

The next 6-8 weeks befor i can move (if i get the house) are going to be really tough at times, but i feel i need that time to prepare myself to being able to cope with being alone. It will be the first time i've lived in my own and after 15yrs of company just seems a huge challange.

Just broken down again, didnt cry once yesterday cant stop this morning.
Seem to be filled with self loathing, i hate what i'd become and worse is i didn't know.
It's so hard trying to keep going. Todays job is book referal to councilor and keep going.
Tomorrow will one week in.

Sumoname... I'm currently in the same position as you :-(. Without going into too much details wife and I are have a 6 months trail separation (instigated by Mrs). Marriage has been unstable/on the rocks for a few years.

Initially the request to separate hit me really hard, but once i accepted the fact and and started telling close family and friends (& 14yo Son).. I've kinda got to accept the fact that we both need a break from each other.

As others have suggested on here do speak to family and friends about it... more so just to vent and get thinks outta your head.

I have spoken to the Samaritans on a number of times just to speak to a total stranger about the situation. Also work have a 24hr counselling service that i have used a few times just to sanity check my thinking and thoughts.

Please don't suffer in silence reach out to friends and colleagues they cant fix anything but it does help to off load.

Concentrate your efforts on getting yourself into a new place .. then the emotionally rollercoaster can take place.

All the best

Thanks
People at work have been great, though i did have tell someone to stop being nice as was tearing up.
Have self referred to insight today after talking to doctors, ex is being nice and helpfull with some stuff.
Its easier for her as she has been building up to this, building a support network, having counciling and hypnotheropy. I'm struggling to come to terms with being such a horrible person that drove her away and lost my family.
Now trying to work out how to move on.

try not to be too hard on yourself... just remember that you WILL get through this and see the other side ... whatever the other side is.

As quite a few people have told me you have to look after number one now... as your partner may have already started to build her support network you need to do the same and also try to keep busy.. you'll really feel like doing f$4K all but make sure you try and make an effort to go for a walk just to get out of the house.

feel free to drop me a PM

cheers

You didn't drive her away, who you both are as people made that relationship fail. And you haven't lost your family, the setup is different. Takes a massive effort to get through this stage, but focus on the simple steps to keep moving forward.

When I split up from my ex we were advised to both stay in the property until the settlement was sorted. Our solicitors were a husband and wife who worked at seperate law firms (no conflict of interest there then!) and they couldn't understand that we wanted to be fair to each other 😮 so do make sure your solicitor understands that you wish to be a decent human being about it.
My ex's parents stayed together despite MIL loathing FIL 'for the kids', my parents split up when I was 6. I feel I got the better deal, so don't beat yourself up on that score.
The head injury that led to the split has also led to a new and annoying relationship with depression and anxiety, I find that the meds help, and the counselling was brilliant at helping me to change how I looked at certain situations, but it's what works for you that works for you.
Keep talking on here, I'm in Farnsfield if a change of scene would help. A tootle to Pines and back is about where I'm at fitness wise...

Just broken down again, didnt cry once yesterday cant stop this morning.
Seem to be filled with self loathing, i hate what i’d become and worse is i didn’t know.
It’s so hard trying to keep going. Todays job is book referal to councilor and keep going.
Tomorrow will one week in.

You are grieving. Grieving for what you had and what it could have been.  Grief isn’t about death - it’s about loss...

Have a look at the stages of grief defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. That might help - it certainly made sense when I was grieving.