[Closed] What should I eat between now and Thursday to ensure my farts are hideous?

*Farts*

*Inhales*

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Head and Shoulders, Toothpaste and Shit. Big pieces of shit.

Funny thread.
Prune and sprout smoothy and Tring Ale.
oh and a Tena for man just in case.

The shart coefficient must be pretty high with a lot of those suggestions 🙂

Ok, for me the best formula is as follows.
Skip lunch then stuff your face with whatever crap you find lying around the house. Sauasage rolls, pasties etc etc.
A couple of energy gels
Dinner, a nice curry will work well along with samosas, onion Bhajis.
Washed down with several pints of Marstons Pedigree and 3 or 4 pickled eggs. (I cant believe no one has mentioned pickled eggs!)

"konabunny - Member
Most people quite like sniffing their own farts
Wat "

Farts are like children, you hate other people's and savour your own

Kimchi and chocolate milk.

Whatever the secret ingredient is in the gravy in Jaconelli's chip shop in Mary Hill. The secret ingredient that make it the colour of bournville chocolate, opaque like emulsion paint and makes you fart like chewbakka all next day.

Do they still make beanfeast!
I used to love that stuff what, 35 years ago.

They do but sadly they've changed the recipe fairly recently (for the bolognese one at least, I've not tried any of the others lately). It's nowhere near as nice as the old one.

Out of date energy drink mix thats been sat in the fridge for a week.

Wear an adult nappy.

Right, I've prepared the dish, it's all cling filmed ready to go in the oven at work later.

A packet of Paxo sage and onion stuffing mixed then spread on a tray for the base, then topped with 12 slices of chorizo, then caramelised red onion spread on top of that, and 100g of Stilton crumbled on top. 20 mins in the oven should be all that needs.

I have also made a dip by mixing natural yoghurt and a packet of fajita spice mix, and also have a 'dragons egg' for a snack which appears to b a chilli flavoured scotch egg.

Just the beverage to think about now.

I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.

This should be top of the list...

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Edit... just seen this...

Do they still make beanfeast!

Only had it once, some 20 years ago, but it's still often talked about in our household, so dramatic were it's powers 😯

...and that, Ladies and Gentleman, is your tax dollars hard at work.

Not since the 1989 Tim Burton version of Batman have criminals cowered in such fear knowing that their shadowy nemesis waits in the shadows ready to punish their every transgression.
They'd likely ascribe the sudden foul stench to their own fear.

Makes you proud to pay your taxes 😆

I don't know about that, but I think the taxpayer may be shelling for an extra roll of quilted velvet tomorrow.

I thought you were a "moist towellette in the disabled toilet" kind of guy?

Yes I am, but not for every pass, just the final polish.

Real Ale plus curries with loads of onion - Dopiaza being a particular fave.

When I was about 14 me and a mate decided to cook something for lunch, beans on toast with Smash mashed potato (I know don't ask) it was awful so lots of brown sauce was added. As I was walking home I started to let a few go, after about 15 minutes it was as if I was emitting a constant stream of gas. every step was accompanied with a parp or a hoot or a squeak or a rrrrrip it was funny for a while but I couldn't stop for hours.

I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.

A glorious, spectacular accident, signifying you have vanquished foes, nay, conquered worlds! We salute you sir, you magnificent, shit stained, Adonis.

Bit late now but I case there is a round two, try kedgeree. Not sure why an egg & smoked fish curry didn't come to mind sooner to be honest.

Thegreatape and his boss, on arrival.... (Bit sweary at the end)

What a great post!
Wheat beer much more potent than real ale
Garlic instead of onions (although pickled anything rules)
Chorizo in epic quantities
Eggs, hard boiled, half a dozen should be enough
and a spare pair of underpants in case of follow through
Good luck and we look forward to hearing about the trip!

we look forward to hearing about the trip!

😆

Best thread in a while this

In over a quarter of a century of pub bothering and general ale fuelled hijinks, there's one stand out incident that caused mayhem for all those concerned, with the after effects being felt some forty-eight hours later.

I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".

The landlord at our local pub decided to put these bowls of Bombay Mix out on the tables, one Saturday night in 1996. A few of my drinking buddies tucked in with gusto, washing the marinated lentils and biscuitty stuff down with pints of Guinness. Another friend turned up with a black Labrador dog, who seemed to be somewhat miffed at missing out on the food, so he was duly indulged with the remnants of the bowls plus the Guinness dregs.

Last orders came, so we all shuffled out of the pub feeling inebriated and uncomfortable. Several members of the entourage were complaining of guts ache.

Waking the next morning with a vicious hangover, my friend announced he had to pick up something from town for his car later that afternoon. A cleansing fry up was had, along with several cups of coffee before we ventured out in the brand new Ford.

Ten minutes later, a sound akin to a flock of starlings taking flight was heard, closely followed by stinging eyes and gagging. My so called friend in the driver's seat had let loose a fart so evil it defied description. There were overtones of burning plastic, sewerage farm, sulphur and what can only be summed up as "ill".

Retching, I reached for the electric window switch and forced my head out into the slipstream. It was November and drizzly, but the cold, damp air and gritty road spray was preferable to taking another lungful of evil.

Once recovered, I withdrew my head back into the car and wound up the window. Ten seconds later *pfft!* and the cycle started over again.

I endured this for fifteen hateful, indescribable miles. In the years since, some of those present have asked me what it was actually like, my reply was reminiscent of a traumatised Vietnam vet - "You don't know man, you weren't there!"

We duly parked in the car park, whereupon my mate let fly another bowel bothering bum blast, which nearly tore his colon. Coughing, spluttering and choking on the evil fumes, we shut the car door on it and headed into town.

My pal spent the next two hours guffing horror at ten minute intervals as we walked around the town. Children cried, passing cats fled for their lives.

With bowels finally restored to normal working pressures, my pal decided to return to the car. As we approached, he thumbed the key fob and reached to open the door...whereupon we choked once more as the two hour old fart hadn't dissipated, but had simply matured in the car, no doubt turning the plastic brittle and rotting the stitching.

It doesn't end there.

Unbeknown to us at that time, our friend's Labrador dog was also suffering from Guinness and Bombay Mix farts to the point that the poor creature had turned delirious on his own fumes. Said dog was quickly ejected into the back garden, where he was banished for a full two days until the intensity died down to regular dog-fart levels.

Epilogue: I'm now forty two and I swear that since the infamous Night of the Bombay Mix, my sense of smell has been irrevocably damaged. I can barely smell the sweetness of a freshly opened rose, nor can I fully appreciate the olfactory carnival that is Spring.

So if you want to cause Petomaineesque mayhem, then all you need is a bag of Bombay Mix and six pints of Guinness...but I take no responsibility for any loss of life or damage to property.

Cant believe this hasn't been posted yet....
I think this is impact you are looking to make!

To "cock the hammer" in the morning, a breakfast of whatever you fancy, so long as you follow up with yoghurt, coffee and some nice fresh orange. Should see you right. Or wrong.

From reading all the comments, you basically need a Dave Lister diet for a couple of days.

I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.

You've got the makings of a STW Classic Thread here at any rate.

I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".

I'm now choking back the giggles here and getting funny looks at work.

I once had to drive from Chepstow to Norwich with a work mate.

He proudly told me that in order to prepare for the journey he'd made a sprout curry on the Saturday evening, the leftovers he'd reheated for Sunday lunch. 😯

I've never smelt anything so horrendous.. I felt physically ill by the time we arrived and drove the last hour with all of the windows open, much to his utter amusement 😕

OP - who's driving? And will the driver have access to blues and twos?

I am planning to drive so that I have access to the electric window child lock, and therefore full control over who's farts are let out of the car (his) and who's are savoured (mine).

We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous.

I might get some Bombay mix from Morrison's for breakfast - it's basically a muesli isn't it.

Right I'm starting work now so shall he offline until dinner when I shall find put how my creation tastes.

Let us know your final decision ... 😆

I am planning to drive so that I have access to the electric window child lock, and therefore full control over who's farts are let out of the car (his) and who's are savoured (mine).

We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous.

So you can also control the mercy dash to the services if required?

Oh, the power!

We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous

Browns and number twos?

Will be by this time tomorrow I fear.

Don't forger to prep up a mix for the CD

Britney spears - Toxic
Frozen soundtrack - Let it Go
Nirvana - Smells like Teen Spirit

etc.

Snoop Dogg - Drop it like it's hot!

Ellie Goulding - Explosion

Van Halen - Eruption.

Bit late to the party here and I think most of the bases have been covered, but a nice tasty, gelatine-heavy slice of game pie at a country pub en route will add an arresting tincture of brimstone to the zephyrs in your Z-Car.

Looking forward to watching the OP and his [s]passenger[/s] captive being rescued from by a team in biohazard suits in a future episode of Countryside 999.

Iron Maiden - When the Wild Wind Blows

Urban Hype - A Trip to Trumpton

Prodigy - Breathe

[i]Surely[/i] Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire?

Bombay Mix on its own won't deliver the desired results, nor will restricting your liquid intake to solely Guinness.

It's kind of like working with Araldite in that the magic happens when two distinct ingredients are combined, one acts as a catalyst to the other. It's not just about spectacular bottom pyrotechnics, if your fumes induce a headache and nausea then you've got the mix just right.

*disclaimer* you may not be able to smell anything else for a fortnight afterward.

I cooked a massive lentil dahl on Monday night, and I've had it for dinner 2 nights running now. I can safely say that farts are being produced with increased frequency and potency since 😀

Cheers, Rich

What the hell was that Kevin Bloody Wison song ? "He wasn't a very big kid, and he wasn't very smart, but Jesus he could fart .."

after ive eaten red onions, you could literally strip wallpaper with my farts.

have a nice day!

Curry and real ale. Job done.

I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".

I'm crying at the thought, but I can beat that!

Once at a friends house, the morning after the night before we were all in varying states of alive in the living room when I felt something brewing.

But rather than the usual squeek, rumble or burp my sphincters just opened and released a katabatic breeze of death, for a good 30 seconds. It was like when you take the core out of a tyre valve and it just wooshes, I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards.

Then the smell hit us, I say us, because I think it instantly paralysed my olfactory nerve endings so I avoided it's full horror, grown men cried, girlfriends cried, people came in from another room with no linking door to ask if we could smell gas too, and cried. I've not seen one of my housemates from uni for 7 years since then.

I think that was Dominos pizza and boddingtons.

This reminds me of a rally a few years ago being in a hire car after a friend had consumed a whole bunch of grapes 🙁

Cider, cheese, pickled onions & sausage rolls gets me a fare bit of OAe (offensive anal emissions)

Right, tea time, and I'm pleased to report that the first stage in the process - eating the thing - is proving to be most agreeable. The caramelized onion 'jam' sits very well with the stilton, chorizo is always good, and the dip is spicy but also flavoursome. The stuffing is exactly as you'd expect, but just as good a method of getting meat and cheese to the gob as bread is, so that's fine.

The DI has gone home for cabbage soup and onion bread, but I'm feeling confident.

Whilst the ingredients for the biological-weapon are well defined, with occasional parps, a continuous propulsion enabler appears to be lacking.

Is it possible to add a few boiled eggs and some butter beans as a driving 'snack' to facilitate a continuous launch of the gasses?

Well I had a 'dragons egg' for lunch but I guess that's well ahead of the main cargo. One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help?

I need a poo already but I think it's just excitement.

One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help

A couple of lines wouldn't hurt.

🙂

A stinky arse is no excuse for bad breath - so neck a few packs of sugar free mints

All well and good gassing each other out on the way there, but the poor 'soles at the other end, innocent victims

Best thread in ages this one, tears rolling down my face

Awesome thread.
Am hoping the op manages to get to the end of the journey without having to deep clean the seats.
Amazing work everyone

I'm not usually one for toilet humour - but this thread has me crying. Thank you all!

Brilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!

One of the girls across the corridor is doing slim fast so I've found a tin of that. Would that help?

Drink the slim fast before you leave and it will be the icing on the cake.

Well the gaffer has just gone and I'm still here. There has been a lot of tooting going on this evening, but nothing too hideous from my end. One rotter from him judging by the look on the admin lady's face when she made an ill timed visit to his office. All in all though, it's the pre-fight weigh in verbal sparring before the killer blows are struck during the main event tomorrow.

Just pondering a last minute snack on the way home, perhaps a Rustlers burger from the all night garage, just to stop anything produced during the night from escaping north when it needs to be going south. Or another scotch egg? Journey starts at 1130 hrs tomorrow.

EDIT - Change of plan, just found a jar of pickled onions and a bottle of olive oil with chopped garlic in it. That'll help more than a microwave burger.

I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards

cant. breathe. 😆

We are all rooting for you, may the farts be with you.

Good luck. If you're tucking into breakfast, add plenty of meat and don't chew too much. You're guts will find things harder to break down if you don't chew properly and the gas you get from those extra enforced chemical reactions is priceless...
I had a reputation for farting at school and once lost a friend to farting. She said she could never travel in a car with me again and we don't speak anymore.

For gods sake, make sure you keep an extra pair of pants in the car.
I predict the poo's n two's will be on by lunchtime

once lost a friend to farting

what a way to go

still, better to burn out than fade away

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peajay - Member

Brilliant! Serve you right if you both shart though! Looking forward to the debrief!

A debrief after a shart, whilst necessary, is never something to look forward to.

There's going to be a Shart-astrophe in that car.

D-Day is upon us. A further element of gastric unpredictability has been added courtesy of an incident which kept me at work until four hours ago, and my opponent there until midnight. This has certainly confused my guts and I daresay his. I have a most impatient mole at the counter, but from a prone position it is impossible to tell if this will my usual 4-5 (on the Bristol scale) or something more akin to a broken ice cream machine. The first task will be getting safely from the bed to the bathroom without cutting loose. I am just waiting to hear the bolt slide across and the current occupant exit before I alight from the bed and run through the house like my cock's been caught by a fisherman. The one larks call emitted so far smelt merely like a slice of haslet, which would be like taking a small blunt knife to a gunfight. Hopefully there is better to come in a few hours time. Further updates in due course.

We await with baited breath, somewhat appropriately.

I'm guessing it's gonna be a "ghostie".

Slips out unfelt with the merest of whispers, enters the water like an olympic diver and gracefully submarines around the u-bend like a playful sealion, leaving no trace of it's existence. No wipe or flush required.
A rare and magical beast indeed. The unicorn of the shite world.

loughor
I believe the tune you're looking for is "Mick, me mate's the master farter, with his fuel injected double jointed arse.....

Im guessing it's going to be a ghostie

It wasn't quite that professional, but neither was it as rowdy and uncivilised as bats at dusk. The wife was next up in the bathroom, and on her way in she claimed it smelt like an Indian (the dish), and on the way out had a little tear in her eye. To my nose the pickled onion was the standout flavour, but on turning to look at it I was proud to see that the whole bowlful was British Racing Green. Not only does this bode well for later, but it adds to the sense of occasion for today's Calcutta Cup of flatulance between the boss and I. Unless his was blue with a white cross then I think the advantage is with me. But will his air warriors come flying forth in a disorganised and unruly wave led by the Bravefart and with countless blue faces in its wake, or will my ringpiece be forevermore known as Malleus Scotorum?