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Right, I've prepared the dish, it's all cling filmed ready to go in the oven at work later.
A packet of Paxo sage and onion stuffing mixed then spread on a tray for the base, then topped with 12 slices of chorizo, then caramelised red onion spread on top of that, and 100g of Stilton crumbled on top. 20 mins in the oven should be all that needs.
I have also made a dip by mixing natural yoghurt and a packet of fajita spice mix, and also have a 'dragons egg' for a snack which appears to b a chilli flavoured scotch egg.
Just the beverage to think about now.
I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.
This should be top of the list...
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Edit... just seen this...
Do they still make beanfeast!
Only had it once, some 20 years ago, but it's still often talked about in our household, so dramatic were it's powers 😯
...and that, Ladies and Gentleman, is your tax dollars hard at work.
Not since the 1989 Tim Burton version of Batman have criminals cowered in such fear knowing that their shadowy nemesis waits in the shadows ready to punish their every transgression.
They'd likely ascribe the sudden foul stench to their own fear.
Makes you proud to pay your taxes 😆
I don't know about that, but I think the taxpayer may be shelling for an extra roll of quilted velvet tomorrow.
I thought you were a "moist towellette in the disabled toilet" kind of guy?
Yes I am, but not for every pass, just the final polish.
Real Ale plus curries with loads of onion - Dopiaza being a particular fave.
When I was about 14 me and a mate decided to cook something for lunch, beans on toast with Smash mashed potato (I know don't ask) it was awful so lots of brown sauce was added. As I was walking home I started to let a few go, after about 15 minutes it was as if I was emitting a constant stream of gas. every step was accompanied with a parp or a hoot or a squeak or a rrrrrip it was funny for a while but I couldn't stop for hours.
I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.
A glorious, spectacular accident, signifying you have vanquished foes, nay, conquered worlds! We salute you sir, you magnificent, shit stained, Adonis.
Bit late now but I case there is a round two, try kedgeree. Not sure why an egg & smoked fish curry didn't come to mind sooner to be honest.
Thegreatape and his boss, on arrival.... (Bit sweary at the end)
What a great post!
Wheat beer much more potent than real ale
Garlic instead of onions (although pickled anything rules)
Chorizo in epic quantities
Eggs, hard boiled, half a dozen should be enough
and a spare pair of underpants in case of follow through
Good luck and we look forward to hearing about the trip!
I guess it'll be on the news.we look forward to hearing about the trip!
😆
Best thread in a while this
In over a quarter of a century of pub bothering and general ale fuelled hijinks, there's one stand out incident that caused mayhem for all those concerned, with the after effects being felt some forty-eight hours later.
I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".
The landlord at our local pub decided to put these bowls of Bombay Mix out on the tables, one Saturday night in 1996. A few of my drinking buddies tucked in with gusto, washing the marinated lentils and biscuitty stuff down with pints of Guinness. Another friend turned up with a black Labrador dog, who seemed to be somewhat miffed at missing out on the food, so he was duly indulged with the remnants of the bowls plus the Guinness dregs.
Last orders came, so we all shuffled out of the pub feeling inebriated and uncomfortable. Several members of the entourage were complaining of guts ache.
Waking the next morning with a vicious hangover, my friend announced he had to pick up something from town for his car later that afternoon. A cleansing fry up was had, along with several cups of coffee before we ventured out in the brand new Ford.
Ten minutes later, a sound akin to a flock of starlings taking flight was heard, closely followed by stinging eyes and gagging. My so called friend in the driver's seat had let loose a fart so evil it defied description. There were overtones of burning plastic, sewerage farm, sulphur and what can only be summed up as "ill".
Retching, I reached for the electric window switch and forced my head out into the slipstream. It was November and drizzly, but the cold, damp air and gritty road spray was preferable to taking another lungful of evil.
Once recovered, I withdrew my head back into the car and wound up the window. Ten seconds later *pfft!* and the cycle started over again.
I endured this for fifteen hateful, indescribable miles. In the years since, some of those present have asked me what it was actually like, my reply was reminiscent of a traumatised Vietnam vet - "You don't know man, you weren't there!"
We duly parked in the car park, whereupon my mate let fly another bowel bothering bum blast, which nearly tore his colon. Coughing, spluttering and choking on the evil fumes, we shut the car door on it and headed into town.
My pal spent the next two hours guffing horror at ten minute intervals as we walked around the town. Children cried, passing cats fled for their lives.
With bowels finally restored to normal working pressures, my pal decided to return to the car. As we approached, he thumbed the key fob and reached to open the door...whereupon we choked once more as the two hour old fart hadn't dissipated, but had simply matured in the car, no doubt turning the plastic brittle and rotting the stitching.
It doesn't end there.
Unbeknown to us at that time, our friend's Labrador dog was also suffering from Guinness and Bombay Mix farts to the point that the poor creature had turned delirious on his own fumes. Said dog was quickly ejected into the back garden, where he was banished for a full two days until the intensity died down to regular dog-fart levels.
Epilogue: I'm now forty two and I swear that since the infamous Night of the Bombay Mix, my sense of smell has been irrevocably damaged. I can barely smell the sweetness of a freshly opened rose, nor can I fully appreciate the olfactory carnival that is Spring.
So if you want to cause Petomaineesque mayhem, then all you need is a bag of Bombay Mix and six pints of Guinness...but I take no responsibility for any loss of life or damage to property.
Cant believe this hasn't been posted yet....
I think this is impact you are looking to make!
To "cock the hammer" in the morning, a breakfast of whatever you fancy, so long as you follow up with yoghurt, coffee and some nice fresh orange. Should see you right. Or wrong.
From reading all the comments, you basically need a Dave Lister diet for a couple of days.
I'm going to have a horrible accident aren't I.
You've got the makings of a STW Classic Thread here at any rate.
I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".
I'm now choking back the giggles here and getting funny looks at work.
I once had to drive from Chepstow to Norwich with a work mate.
He proudly told me that in order to prepare for the journey he'd made a sprout curry on the Saturday evening, the leftovers he'd reheated for Sunday lunch. 😯
I've never smelt anything so horrendous.. I felt physically ill by the time we arrived and drove the last hour with all of the windows open, much to his utter amusement 😕
OP - who's driving? And will the driver have access to blues and twos?
I am planning to drive so that I have access to the electric window child lock, and therefore full control over who's farts are let out of the car (his) and who's are savoured (mine).
We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous.
I might get some Bombay mix from Morrison's for breakfast - it's basically a muesli isn't it.
Right I'm starting work now so shall he offline until dinner when I shall find put how my creation tastes.
Let us know your final decision ... 😆
I am planning to drive so that I have access to the electric window child lock, and therefore full control over who's farts are let out of the car (his) and who's are savoured (mine).We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous.
So you can also control the mercy dash to the services if required?
Oh, the power!
We've got special flashy headlights and a siren but otherwise anonymous
Browns and number twos?
Will be by this time tomorrow I fear.
Don't forger to prep up a mix for the CD
Britney spears - Toxic
Frozen soundtrack - Let it Go
Nirvana - Smells like Teen Spirit
etc.
Snoop Dogg - Drop it like it's hot!
Ellie Goulding - Explosion
Van Halen - Eruption.
Bit late to the party here and I think most of the bases have been covered, but a nice tasty, gelatine-heavy slice of game pie at a country pub en route will add an arresting tincture of brimstone to the zephyrs in your Z-Car.
Looking forward to watching the OP and his [s]passenger[/s] captive being rescued from by a team in biohazard suits in a future episode of Countryside 999.
Iron Maiden - When the Wild Wind Blows
Urban Hype - A Trip to Trumpton
Prodigy - Breathe
[i]Surely[/i] Johnny Cash's Ring of Fire?
Bombay Mix on its own won't deliver the desired results, nor will restricting your liquid intake to solely Guinness.
It's kind of like working with Araldite in that the magic happens when two distinct ingredients are combined, one acts as a catalyst to the other. It's not just about spectacular bottom pyrotechnics, if your fumes induce a headache and nausea then you've got the mix just right.
*disclaimer* you may not be able to smell anything else for a fortnight afterward.
I cooked a massive lentil dahl on Monday night, and I've had it for dinner 2 nights running now. I can safely say that farts are being produced with increased frequency and potency since 😀
Cheers, Rich
What the hell was that Kevin Bloody Wison song ? "He wasn't a very big kid, and he wasn't very smart, but Jesus he could fart .."
after ive eaten red onions, you could literally strip wallpaper with my farts.
have a nice day!
Curry and real ale. Job done.
I give you "The Night of the Bombay Mix".
I'm crying at the thought, but I can beat that!
Once at a friends house, the morning after the night before we were all in varying states of alive in the living room when I felt something brewing.
But rather than the usual squeek, rumble or burp my sphincters just opened and released a katabatic breeze of death, for a good 30 seconds. It was like when you take the core out of a tyre valve and it just wooshes, I swear I was so relaxed I actually felt a cooling breath of air go back in afterwards.
Then the smell hit us, I say us, because I think it instantly paralysed my olfactory nerve endings so I avoided it's full horror, grown men cried, girlfriends cried, people came in from another room with no linking door to ask if we could smell gas too, and cried. I've not seen one of my housemates from uni for 7 years since then.
I think that was Dominos pizza and boddingtons.
This reminds me of a rally a few years ago being in a hire car after a friend had consumed a whole bunch of grapes 🙁
Cider, cheese, pickled onions & sausage rolls gets me a fare bit of OAe (offensive anal emissions)
Right, tea time, and I'm pleased to report that the first stage in the process - eating the thing - is proving to be most agreeable. The caramelized onion 'jam' sits very well with the stilton, chorizo is always good, and the dip is spicy but also flavoursome. The stuffing is exactly as you'd expect, but just as good a method of getting meat and cheese to the gob as bread is, so that's fine.
The DI has gone home for cabbage soup and onion bread, but I'm feeling confident.
Whilst the ingredients for the biological-weapon are well defined, with occasional parps, a continuous propulsion enabler appears to be lacking.
Is it possible to add a few boiled eggs and some butter beans as a driving 'snack' to facilitate a continuous launch of the gasses?