the lad caught shoplifting, WWSTWD

Just take it as a learning experience, and tell him not to get caught next time.

More seriously, taking him to the shop to apologise and pay for the stolen goods isn't a bad idea, and it shows he comes from a "good" family. It may be something that helps his reputation rather than being permanently marked out as a wrong one. People are more likely to chalk it off as a one off if they see the parents take it seriously.

Send him into the shop and tell him to offer to work for a month of saturdays or something.

I like the idea of giving him chores to pay off his 'debt'.

I'd suggest a charity for people who have very little - maybe buying essentials for refugees or something like that, to remind him of his comparatively fortunate situation.

You sound like you're thinking carefully about this alan1977. You know your son, I'm sure you'll do the right thing.

Actually, what kind of shop? Small family run job do that.

Tesco.. point out the high value untagged items to shoot for next time.

I should add, it's a Tesco express, so i would imagine that speaking to the manager or getting him to do any work there would be a red tape nightmare, hence why i was thinking he does the chores for me and watches his pennies go to a charity

TBF, I think your list of punishments is a bit harsh given what he has done as a first-time offender – I think the right course of action is to have a proper sit-down talk with him and find out why he did it. You say that he said the friends were important to him – so that's why he was trying to impress them (he was probably stealing *for* them). You should try to make him understand why he was wrong to do what he did and make him understand that real friends wouldn't push him to do something he knows is wrong and, if they stop being his friends if he refuses to steal again, then they weren't real friends in the first place. I know it's a difficult age and he might not understand fully, but it's your job to steer him down the right path.

If he gets caught again – then you go nuclear with the punishments.

Keeping it in perspective one of my sons was caught with an illegal knife. Swiss army with locking blade.  Just turned 16. Kept in custody overnight and subsequently convicted.  As an adult (Scotland).

The one and only time anyone in my wider family and friends had anything apart from speeding convictions. 20 years on it was a one off and he is in a steady job, married etc.

As for OPs son shoplifting. No police involvement. Good thing was he was caught early and hopefully this will be his one off.

Get him a new hoody and  set of trainers, he can then outrun security next time his mates decide to swarm  a Tesco Extra ?

On a slightly more serious note,communication is key.So talking through the details of why the theft matters,regardless of scale is all part of their learning.

speaking to the manager in a small tesco should be pretty easy - there'll be someone in charge the whole time, who is probably good enough to get the lad to appologise to, or if you want the whole store manager present just give them a ring to check his shifts.

I'd agree that getting him to do work there is a non-starter, but he could probably do a litter pick or similar in the area surrounding the store to show pennance.

It might be worth reaching out to the parents of the other kids involved to understand what line they're taking - both to roughly align outcomes and also figure out if there's likely to be repeats (if the parents don't care, its likely this sort of thing will reoccur if he's still hanging out with them).

I think your taking the right approach OP. Set strong boundaries and all that. But i think it may backfire badly if you try and control who his friend group is. He needs to know the rules but find his own way in life. It a difficult balancing act so as long as you don't A) Ignore the issue or B) Try and lock him up in a tower, you should be OK.

I agree with what @johndoh said above, but it depends on what sort of lad he is - if he takes this as a wake up call or if he sees it as a badge of honour to descend further down the rabbit hole with these friends. I was caught shoplifting when I was a teenager (don't tell my mum!) and it really shook me up, but a bolder lad might not have been as impressed.

I got caught shoplifting from Woolworths when I was in my early teens (in my defence yeronor I was rebelling against my parents' divorce).

I was so mortified I didn't need any kind of punishment (and my mum must have recognised that, b/c she didn't ground me or anything). I still feel shame about it now about 30 years later 😀

Of course, it isn't necessarily the first time he's nicked stuff, just the first time he's been caught, even if he is swearing that it was a one-off.

Making excuses about peer pressure rather than admitting his full fault isn't ideal. The tears, from what you've said, seem to be more about the prospect of being separated from his little gang than genuine remorse.

It's tough to tread the line between being necessarily firm and overly severe punishment, but I wouldn't want him hanging around with the friend group in that way for a good while.  If you have a proper conversation with him you may be able to find out more about the dynamic within the group, whether there is a particular lad or couple of lads he should be avoiding longer-term.

I think visiting the shop together when the manager is around and getting him to apologise is a good starting point.

As JohnDo says.

I'd be careful not to do much more. Your son probably feels pretty bad about it and a  suicide attempt from repeated bollockings is a real risk.

A bad peer group can be a nightmare and a lot depends on how their parents' handle it, if at all.

Make it clear that you will go nuclear if it happens again.

i think it may backfire badly if you try and control who his friend group is.

Came here to say this.

Short of putting him under house arrest, you're not going to stop him seeing his friends. All that will breed is resentment towards you and him lying about where he's going. A leap of logic here perhaps but (speaking from experience) a young teenager who's more happy behind a screen than socialising probably considers the friends he has to be the only ones he'll get.

As for punishment, he's done something stupid, got caught, and sounds genuinely remorseful. I see little reason to go full-on Victorian Dad on him but an apology to the store manager wouldn't go amiss. Maybe tot up what was taken and extract it from any pocket money he gets? Tesco isn't going to blink over the cost of a Mars bar and a can of Monster but a local charity might be grateful for it. This would of course require a degree of honesty from him but I'm not seeing that as a negative.

Make it clear that you will go nuclear if it happens again.

Ah yes, also this.

It's easier to 'Just Say No' if he can back it up with "because I'm proper ****ed if I do." Peer pressure is one thing, but no-one really wants a criminal record at 14 let alone the wrath of dad.

Would the store manager be open to a chat and an apology. Fessing up seems harsh enough to shame / embarrass him into not doing it again. Grounded for 2 months seems harsh.

When I was wee (8 or so) my mum caught me swearing, she made me lock my bike in the garage for a week over the summer holidays. I had to look at it 3 times a day for that week. It stopped me swearing for a bit.

I'm in the camp of just having a serious talk with him (as it appears you have done). Key is to make him aware of how disappointed you are in him and see if you can see if he has the self realisation to know that it was wrong himself.

I expect most of us have done the same if not worse in our youth. Your post evidences that you are a decent dad trying to do the best for your son.  All you can do is hope that it's enough and he learns his lessons from observing you and with experience.

+1 for going to shop & apologise but being a Tesco express don't expect too much feedback from staff and I wouldn't go further than that at this stage in terms of punishment.

Oldest son went through similar and far worse at that age & older, so long as you've given him a good grounding (sounds like you have) he should come good in the end, although I predict a bumpy few years ahead for you.

I got marched to Halfords by my mum when I was a similar age, possibly a little younger, for taking a few bits for my BMX.

Kind of excruciating, obviously.

I turned out ok. I think.

Surely the obvious answer is 'no pudding' for a month...

I expect most of us have done the same if not worse in our youth.

I once shoplifted a pencil eraser from a local shop on my walk home from junior school, back when scented rubbers (shush now) were a thing. It was shaped like a Nintendo Game & Watch with a lenticular screen and I coveted it badly.

I spent the next two weeks shitting myself. Every time the doorbell rang I thought it was the police coming to take me away. Thus ended my brief larcenous career.

Don't tell his mum, make him tell her. Sit down the three of you.

Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer to this, only you know your son and what makes him tick.

I wouldnt go too far with the punishment aspect without trying to understand his view of the world and reasoning.

It sounds like for whatever reason he has found some friends. Who was he hanging about with before, whats changed? what does he like about these lads?

Have a conversation with him about his values and how he would like to be treated, dont just bollock him.

haven’t spoken to his mum yet.. that will happen but right now i’m trying to work out the best approach.

It needs to be a joined approach, so actually you should speak to her.

My gut feel was standard grounding.. I’ve got 2 months in my head, inc no PC time, and no phone when he’s with me.

So take away from him the things that bring him comfort in life? How does that help him build good morale values and build relationships with people who are not a bad influence?

I considered marching him to the shop, and getting him to admit and apologies…

And what would that achieve? Draconian response imo.  It sounds like he is genuinely upset by what hes done. Sit down discuss the situation. Maybe consider him writing a letter, or after talking about things he realises its wrong and asks to apologies.

Making excuses about peer pressure rather than admitting his full fault isn’t ideal. The tears, from what you’ve said, seem to be more about the prospect of being separated from his little gang than genuine remorse.

And Dad not trying to listen. (Yes I know there is a time and a place etc)

2 months is a long time for grounding. If you set a time limit you’ve really got to stick to it rather than give up after a while

Monetising chores can be tricky too as you can’t pay for things he should be doing around the house anyway.

In short - best of luck

The group I used to hang round with did it quite a bit when we were younger (15-17). I only ever did it once, and the stress of getting caught was too much for me, whereas a couple of the lads got a real buzz from it. I avoided going into the shops with them when I knew they were looking for something.  Of course that was back in the day when they actively looked to take down shoplifters. I'm sure Neg on Balls of Steel got his ideas from one of my mates.  He never got caught , and went on to become a bank manager a couple of decades later 🙂

(he was probably stealing *for* them)

Don’t assume you know what’s happening based on cliches.

OP, talk, listen, offer help as well as punishment.

I got caught shoplifting at about the same age. It wasn’t the fault of my friends, even if they would have looked “rougher” to adults. It was my own doing. Luckily for me I was caught first time, and the actions of both the shop owner and police was spot on in terms of shaking me up while acting in an entirely fair and human manner. Made it very easy for my parents. I’d learned my lesson without them having to do anything. I never stole again. Anyway, point is, the kid could have done this if his own back, or even be a ring leader… could be enjoying the risk… might feel ignored and frustrated… might just have no money in a world where we are told it is all. The answer might be a Saturday job, or being grounded, or time helping other kids out… don’t jump to blaming peers, there might be deeper issues… or no issues at all.

Anyway, don't assume... ask questions. Offer help not just enforcement.

Not a parent but guilty of similar shenanigans at that age.

I think having him tell his mum (discuss it with her and pre-warn her first) would help him face up to it better than grounding...

Then possibly an apology to the shop depending on how that goes.

The danger with just grounding etc. He could see that as just 'doing his time for getting caught out' rather than really taking responsibility, and you might be back to square one again.

Same as banning him from seeing certain friends.. If he still wants to see them he may just lie about it.

Maybe even tell him him you won't even punish him at all if he 'confesses' to mum and an potentially the shop depending on how ashamed/embraced he is... I think that could could be more effective than grounding/ no computer access /restricting friends etc.

Just my two cents.

+1 for the approach of not over-doing the punishment this time around but making it very clear it's unacceptable and if there's a next time there will be a lot more severe consequences. Also make it clear whatever his peers might say it's not a victimless crime and in no way is it socially acceptable just because it was a large company's store.

I actually ended up with a caution around the same age for the same offence, I still have to declare it on security vetting forms for my level of clearance, bit embarrassing to say the least. I never re-offended though and I guess that's the key outcome you want, at that time it was mostly just something to do for a few bored teenagers but we all had a wake-up call so there was never any peer pressure to carry on doing it, hopefully your lad is in the same situation.

.

I've brought up 3 boys so have some experience. I'm in the don't go nuclear camp. Your son is mortified to have to admit to you (and then his mum) what he has done, don't underestimate how difficult that is for him and probably deterrent enough. I would be calm but obviously v disappointed in a conversation with him and warn about a future ban on his friendship group if there are any future incidents. I would then be cool with him for a few days to back this up.

I think this approach leaves him to make the decision about his actions in the future and is more likely to be successful.

Bombers and hammer frozen sausages into his lawn. Thats the only way...

Serious POV, grounding/no phone/no games console etc for a bit (2 months seems a bit OTT!) would be my way of dealing with it (as a dad of a 15 and 12 year old) and I'd be very tempted to take them to the store as a personal and public apology - doesn't matter if its a corner shop or a national chain. Painful for them but will hopefully make them realise that a) you're fkn serious about this stuff and b) might make them think that next time it'll be the cop shop they're on their way to and c) might make them question who their friends are if they're nicking stuff.

 It was shaped like a Nintendo Game & Watch with a lenticular screen and I coveted it badly.

@Cougar2 that does sound cool af

Easy to over think and over react.

Definitely agree with the shop/apology option.

Maybe ground him till his birthday.

Need to have a very serious talk about his friendship group. Once is a mistake, we've all been young and daft. Twice is more serious.

@Cougar2 that does sound cool af

😀 vindicated after 40 years.

I wonder whatever happened to that thing. I almost certainly never used it as an eraser. Maybe I destroyed all the evidence of my crime spree in a panic.

Yer perhaps 2 months is very long, and potentially isolating, so i'm definitely taking that on board, none of this was mentioned as yet to him what would happen so I've not made any idle and spur of the moment threats.

I have had to take a zero tolerance approach previously, part of the reason he lives with me, long story, so I generally go with that, and it's proven successful, but in this instance i think communication and education could be more useful.

And yes I wholeheartedly agree with not trying to cut him from his friendship group, so I think that will be more a case of passing the responsibility to him on that, and if it goes wrong again then it will be an issue.

Getting him to speak to his mum, again agree, that works well as i am unlikely to see her myself.

I stole a ball from a shop with my friend. My mum found it, made me take it back and pay for it. It was mortifying and I didn't steal (...much...?) again.

I don't know if an apology to the Tesco Express worker is necessarily great. If I'm the manager I probably don't feel getting sucked into the life lessons of some kid when I've got 160 packets of bacon to stack and two people trying to stuff a bottle of vodka and a leg of lamb down their pants at any given moment. But maybe that's the limitations of my own imagination - I'm not criticising the idea as much as trying to think of it from the worker's perspective.

Show him this thread?

(Has he not suffered enough, etc...)

I was so mortified I didn’t need any kind of punishment

I agree with this.

The risk of making the embarrassment worse is that your son experiences that all together worse embarrassment; you take the fear of it away. So he may just learn a life lesson of it isnt so bad, and he may not GAF in the future. Or he feels he needs to save face with his peers and does something another level of bad to make amends.

He was sorry - he knows your disappointment in him. Best to mark it as a life lesson learnt.

Don’t tell his mum, make him tell her. Sit down the three of you.

I'd say this is the best solution
He'll have to take responsibility for the situation and feel the pain of having to confess.

The thought of having to go through that process again in the future, will be a real deterrent to a repeat offence.

Break his fingers.

2 months grounding sounds like a punishment suitable for a repeat offence. In my experience it's important for character building to be made to confront the wrongdoing and apologise to the 'victim' face to face. Somewhat arguable with a Tesco's compared to an independent shop but the moral is the same. Duty manager will appreciate it, school will appreciate it and in time your son will.

Break his fingers.

🙂