[Closed] So... My Dad died this morning...

Ricks - I’m very sorry for your loss. I went through this when I was 21, my Father died unexpectedly in his sleep at 62. It will take time to process for you and your Mother. Take it one day at a time and be a support for each other.

When I lost my dad it was more of a relief for all concerned than anything, so I have no insight here.  I just wanted to say sorry for your loss.

My deepest condolences, rickon.

I lost my dad about 3 years ago, and while I was very close to him and miss him every day, supporting my mum remains a daily challenge. She's pretty active, and I'm glad she has pulled through better than I thought she would, but there is more I wish we could do.

I think patience and love is paramount, and especially patience. Just remember than mourning can take years, and perhaps try to facilitate her involvement in activities close to her home, or even to yours.

Sorry for your loss and sending a hug.

Everyone deals with it differently from being numb to distraught.

You can only try to be there for her and talk about the good times.

She will come to you when she wants to talk so let her know you’re there fir her.

Here is what the psychiatrists say:

The 5 stages of grief and loss are: 1. Denial and isolation; 2. Anger; 3. Bargaining; 4. Depression; 5. Acceptance.

It took a good 2-3 years for my wife to get through it after she lost her Mother.

I was there to listen to her and time helped her deal with the grief but she misses her Mother everyday.

Really sorry to hear it Ricks, I've been through the same only the other way round as my Mum died first. All you can do is be there in person with your Mum if you can.

Just be her son. Talk to her remember the good times, the bad times but upmost the funny times.

Thoughts with you.

Nothing to add but deepest condolences. Feel free to vent here

Sorry for your loss - difficult time for all. I went through something similar in 2016 when i lost my dad. People are pretty resilient and whilst you never forget someone really close, things get easier with time.

Nothing much to add other than condolences. I expect as you are self aware enough to admit you are struggling to know how to support your mum suggests you'll do a good job. Dont forget you'll need support too

No wisdom from me I'm afraid, but my sincere sympathy.

When my dad died I thought I was going to be strong and support my mum, I ended up crying in the gutter outside the crematorium, be kind to yourself too.

Sympathies. Just be there for your mum, offer her your support and keep up the contact over the next few months. Even if you don't feel you are doing much I'm sure she will appreciate knowing you are avaialble.

Sorry for you loss Rickon.

When my dad died (11 years ago now, where's that time gone?) I felt the need to be the strong one, man of 4th he house, for my mum and 3 sisters.

As a result, I don't think I ever properly grieved so m 4th advice would be to be there for your mum but also take time for yourself. I was too focussed on helping everyone else that I didn't fully get a handle on my feelings.

It does get easier with time.

Do what you can, and what's needed will change with time.

You have my sympathies. My Dad died in similar circumstances five years ago this week and while mum has done and is doing great it was hard for the first year, still hard for the second and still hurts but remember the good times and if you have the chance collect as many stories from other people as you can. We had a memorial service six months after he died instead of a funeral (there were reasons) which was a really well-attended and a very positive experience.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. It really does help. Just knowing that other people have been through the same is comforting.

So very sorry to hear about your loss Ricks...

I lost my dad in March, and your comment about being able to deal with your dad, but not knowing how to help your mum resonated with me - I felt similar.

As others have said, I found just being there with my mam was the biggest thing.  Having a hug at the start and end of each day, and any time in between.

Speaking with my mam, she found that taking care of the little also things made a big difference - the ones that you can't do once you head back to your own home... as an example, my mam hadn't driven in almost 20 years - so I had to find the right way to get her back into the knack of it.

Looking back, I didn't really take care of my own wellbeing during that time, all I wanted was to make sure my mam was ok - I've only recently started to function in a manner that I'm happy with again... remember to take care of yourself too.

my Dad passed away 4 weeks ago, the last month has been a blur really. I was amazed at how much I didn't know about dealing with a death. My mum has been brilliant and coping really well (what I see anyway)

My top tip for dealing with companies banks dvla etc etc Do as much as you can to transfer details into your mums name before declaring your dad as deceased. If they have a joint bank acc dont rush to change into a single name, we've been caught out getting refunds from dvla in dads name and unable to bank cheque. Trying to change shares small value shares less than £1k into mums name has been a complete mare.

Most places have been good and have dedicated teams dealing with deceased policy holders, however DVLA wanted a half dozen forms signed by solicitor,  in the end i did it all online posing as my dad.

Both parents have a funeral plan and this helped greatly for me anyway. funeral people were really great and seeing dad at rest really helped as mum said "its the best he's looked for weeks" There is still a lot of humour to be dad during the grieving process, just dont bottle up your emotions what ever they maybe.

As for my so called sister her 1st words to me when she arrived at mum and dads house was "what about the will?"....... greedy bitch!

I just want to add my condolences ..take care of yourself & your mam..

I lost my mother 10 years ago ..it still feels raw at times ..

Mum died first and then dad  14 years latter, it takes time to sort your head, chat to your mum about your dad, cry , and talk some more and cry, repeat, i did, expect hassle with some banks, looking at you santander, government agencies etc,

The next few weeks are horrible, dont bottle stuff up, go for a ride,etc.

Be aware the hard time for your mother will be once the attention and sympathy wanes after a few weeks and all the little details are mostly sorted.

She will turn around and see/feel an empty house and nothing to do.

That's what my mother found hardest. I found her a part-time job she didn't need, and she loved it.

So be ready for that.

My condolences . and my thoughts to you and the family

My Father passed away 4 weeks ago ,he had been ill for a while but that basterd disease finally  finally took its tole and he passed in hospital . For me it was easier than my mother and sister because i had already come to terms with the fact that this year i would be saying bye to him ,I just didnt expect it to be as quick as it was . For me I inherited his warped sense of humor and even when saying good bye the nurse over heard me asking to "borrow his black tie as I has a doo coming up " I hope he heard me as it would have made him laugh ,even though the nurse looked mortified :

On the day of his passing everone was shell shocked and I just focused on my sister and mother  and once I knew they were ok and coming to terms with everything I would start to morn in my own way,  My mother needed all the help while i delt with the admin side of banking  insurance and estates and they delt with the funeral and wake  , just the fact they were keeping busy has helped them .But now they are finding that as things have slowed down its harder for them to deal with the empty space left .. be it looking at a chair , one less meal  ,so for me just nipping round for a chat or a meal is helping as the house doesnt seem as empty .

The funeral was hard for most at first but after readings and the final goodbye  people almost understood the final acceptance and I always find it funny but the almost party like atmosphere ..

As others have said a quick hour on the bike helps  .. Im a leave me alone type when it comes to bad times , and  the bike got hammered the first week ,  it helps  !

For me like  I said  making myself available for my sisters and mother is the main thing for me  , my wife and kids understand this but have not been left out .. it is hard stretching myself as i have over the last month and as i write this i know im completely shattered but knowing they need me at the moment is pulling me through and when things slow down a little more I will take time to reflect and relax alittle  ,, Ive found with my sister the joking and humor has helped up and also my mum seeing us close again like kids  has made her smile

So sorry for your loss, there's no easy way whether it's expected or not. I found things to be weird until the funeral - once that's done, there's a sense of reaity returning.

Time is the most important thing you can give your mum now. Dad and I built a big patio and a garage the summer after mum died. (Mum went through the crematorium, not a STW body dump)!

She will hate going home and may want to move mid-term.

We're currently supporting a colleague who lost his wife of near 50 years to a sudden stroke 2 months ago. He'll talk when he needs to until then we're doing all that he'll accept for him.

Hi Rickon. I don’t have a lot to add - as usual on this thread, there is a lot of great and heartfelt advice already.  My dad died after many years of ill health - so very different

I can only echo what others have said  - just be there for your mum and take care of yourself too.

I will be thinking of you and your family.

Take care,

Jay.

Sorry to hear that mate. As others have said be there for your mum but be there for yourself too. My dad died a peaceful, wonderful death. He was playing bowls on a sunny afternoon, and just dropped from a heart attack with the team he was captain of in the lead.

We had however had a massive row the night before. I went round to apologise to find he was gone 3 hours earlier. I 'manned up' and bottled it up. 15 years later it came to a head when I calmly took my entire life apart and threw it on the scrap heap. A lot of people got hurt in the process.

Talk to mates in the real world, not just ones on here.

She will turn around and see/feel an empty house and nothing to do.

That’s what my mother found hardest.

Yep, same for me.  2 years later and she is still struggling.  She has a few friends and goes away and goes out with them but the times when she is sometimes in the house all day are when she most misses my dad being there and can become very down.  She is quite simply just not enjoying life as much as she used to as they were always together for 60 years.

I helped out with the all the admin, funeral arrangement etc,. because I am good at that sort of stuff but struggle with the emotional aspects of life but luckily my sister helps with that.

Sorry about that. Mine went early 🙁

Hope you're mother is ok. Mine is now ,but I know she sometimes gets lonely & her retirement hasn't gone the way she planned. Which makes me sad .

I take great comfort these days wearing his belt - stupid really.

20 years and 21 days since my dad died and my Mum still struggles with his loss at times.

Practically, help with the 'admin' at the start, but (as above) when the attention dies down she may be hit by loneliness so keep an eye out for that.

Sounds weird, but as you are asking the question now, you will probably muddle though like most people - Pretending to carry on like normal causes issues

And don't forget yourself. This will probably hit you at some stage (it took me about 3 months and then again on the birth of my first child). Don't bottle it up.

Sorry to hear that, OP.  Some very good advice above.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve, and everybody deals with it differently.  When my Dad died it was the first time I had lost someone very close, and the emotional rollercoaster that followed was unchartered territory.

You, and your Mum, will follow the same journey but may take a different route - and don't be afraid to ask for help along the way.

When I began to accept losing my Dad I began to feel guilty that I hadn't grieved enough!  It's almost as though I was punishing myself for having a "normal" life again - but it's completely normal.  Death, unfortunately, comes to us all and that realisation helped me through when Mum died a couple of years later.

I think I've gone through the grieving machine and emerged the other side a better person in some way - more caring maybe.

Crikey, this is a bit profound for me!  I hope it helps in some small way.

Sorry to hear that, rickon

I've nothing to add other than my sympathy but hopefully your family will help each other through this

Sorry for your loss OP, my dad died 3 years ago , miss him terribly but I have  a young family to keep me going. my step mother has only recently started to see the light at the end of the tunnel truth be told.

a timely article in the guardian

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/may/26/secret-to-helping-look-after-bereaved-parent

all the best

I am very sorry to hear your news. I have no idea how you and your family must be feeling right now. Condolences, my thoughts and sympathies are with you.

I don’t know what your mother is like, or what kind of relationship you have with her, but be aware that she may not want your support because she feels it’s her role to support you.

My mother died just over 5 years ago, and my father absolutely could not cope with showing his feelings to me or my brother. Thankfully, his own brother was still alive and could support him, because my father was prepared to accept practical support, but not emotional support, from his children.

He and I were both with my mother when she died, and it wasn’t an easy death, but in some ways the worst memory of that day was the realisation that I just couldn’t help him.

Hopefully, your mother is more open about her feelings than that and will let you help.

As per all the other posters, take time for yourself as well - bottling it up and falling apart later doesn’t help in the long run.

Echoing much of what has been said above, I'll start with condolences. Be there for your mum, but remember that being with her wil help you too.

Lots of good stuff up there, but I would echo the point that the hardest part will be in a few weeks when "life goes back to normal" for people outside your family. It's likely that it will affect your mum and you at that point so be ready

Mine died in front of me, well, me and my mum.

He was 63, and 3 weeks into his retirement.

Like yours,my mum is the strongest person I know, and even know, 15yrs on, I still have no clue how to help her.

Thoughts  are with you Pal, you’ll figure it out, one way or another.

My condolences.

My Mom died last year and my Dad has struggled quite a bit.

All you can do is support your Mom and be there for her. Sometimes you also have to back off and let them be for a while.

Also don't forget to have some time for yourself to grieve.

Sorry for your loss Rickon.

Be there for your mum, but also let her be there for you too. You'll both need it.

After my dad died I took too much on myself (and had a really stressful work environment). You don't need to be a hero, you just need to tell your mum how much you love her and let your loved ones do what they can for you.

Also, be patient with the admin side of things. Some of it's a bit of a pain in the nuts but it mostly works eventually.

OP. Feel your pain. Lost my mother on Saturday after a long cancer battle. This feeling sucks!

Condolences Nixie. Been through that and I feel your pain 🙁

So sorry to hear your news. It's really hard to have both roles of grieving son and supportive son at the same time.

I dont have any great words of wisdom, but something a friend did was to  have a memorial service a few months after the funeral to give people a chance to grieve once the initial raw pain has passed?

All the best.