[Closed] So another STW failed marriage on the cards

Maybe it is her that has the problem and I'm the unfortunate patsy

Obviously we've only got half a story, but it does seem that way.

"I have a problem with you and with our relationship" - "ok, sorry about that, I'd no idea, let's try and sort it out" - "no, I don't want to."

I could only speculate on what her reasoning is, maybe it's just that people change as they get older, but on the face of what's presented here it does seem to be predominantly on her shoulders. Not that you may be entirely blameless; you mentioned control issues and you could be a grade one arsehole for all I know, but her lack of communication and her reluctance to want to try and fix things (in a marriage with children) just rings massive alarm bells for me.

Glad you're getting somewhere, anyway.

OP - Dunno why but only just picked up on this thread.

Went through something very similar last/this year and the ar5e dropped out of my world.

If you want to chat about owt, drop me a line. Email addy in profile.

🙂

Thanks fellas!

It was my birthday yesterday. After she failed to get me a birthday cake (hey it might have been nice for our daughter to blow out the candles and sing happy birthday to her dad) I ordered us a takeaway - once this was consumed she decided she couldn't bear to watch the new Batman with me so spent the night upstairs reading. Oh well.

Tonight she is angry and not talking to me because I am going out for a drink with my mates instead of 1: sitting at home ignoring each other, or 2: sitting at home arguing or 3: going out together and without doubt having a massive argument. I don't want to go out for a drink or a meal with who I consider to be my soon-to-be-ex wife thanks. I don't think I was being brutish or unkind bringing these facts to her attention, given the mess she is intent on causing, but she is furious.

Starting to feel like I may have had a lucky escape 🙂

loving your ;ast post EXELLENT stuff keep it up been there a couple of times and it does flush through you like a new lease of life, chin up and get exited about your new future

Great stuff mate, you've really got a bit of momentum going so stick at it. Remember if you hit a bump down the line keep focused stay off the booze. Love your last post mate, I think that shows how far you've come, and where she is.

Good man!!!

Shortly, you're going to be sitting there in shock, having felt the full force of a woman scorned. Get legal advice now. "The Mental" is not a force to be messed with.

Well done for getting some control back on your life; it's going to make her a bit grumpy as this means she has lost some control over the situation. You probably need to start thinking a bit like a single parent when wanting your daughter to enjoy events and occasions particularly when they are events around you. This isn't a dig of any kind, just speaking from my own experience. If you do all you can and prepare for them you and your girl will have fun, blaming the wife will just lead to more rows and missed times with your girl. Might seem a bit odd having to sort things like your own birthday etc, but but it can still make it great for your daughter.

Starting to feel like I may have had a lucky escape

Just a reminder that you won't truly be able to escape for a long time, given that she is the mother of your child. Your relationship with her is going to be very important for a number of years, regardless of whether the split is permanent. Whilst your comments about not wanting to spend time with her are understandable, at least one of you needs to be the better person in the long term for your daughter's sake. If it can't be her then you have to MTFU, or all three of you are heading for misery island 🙁

Good p

Good point above

Separation and divorce are all very well - but if you want to remain part of your kids' lives you have to maintain some kind of functional relationship with your ex

It can be very hard sometimes. Things can be rattling along ok, but IME it takes very little for the pair of you tone fighting again like old times

But well done for being positive. The fact that your wife is annoyed about you going out without her suggests she is a tad confused - isn't she about to move out? I think the pair of you need to decide if you are proactively working as a couple at fixing things, or negotiating your exit strategy.

Some really spot on advice above.

If you had decided that she is moving out, then do it quick, don't wait as things could go down hill. The space will do you both good, and make the times that you do see each other more productive.

You should seek some legal advice, just to get a picture of where you stand, even if its just a 30 min chat with a family lawyer.

Good to hear you are so positive, but remember to keep the line of communication open, it vital for so many reasons all stated previously.

Good luck.

So

It turns out some of you were right - against my better instincts I checked her facebook messages tonight (first time ever; something, a gut feeling, compelled me) - turns out she has been having a relationship with some bloke from the gym.

what the actual ****

Ask her again. Just say you know
Dont say how. Itll give her an avenue at distraction rage at 'snooping' otherwise. Dont be smug-she wont talk then. Leave your male pride at the door and talk.

Get it out and see where you can both go. Talk. It may be a positive outcome.

Affairs can skewer reality. They are temporary empty things where you kid yourself. Dont judge her-talk.

Out of interest how many times aweek do you ride? Mrshora can resent me if its both days at weekends.

Out of interest how many times aweek do you ride? Mrshora can resent me if its both days at weekends.

Not relevant, Hora!

yetanotherone - I am really sorry to hear this. Stay rational, stay put. You are still in control.

I read this thread a few days ago and thought to myself "she's got someone else". Same thing happened to me, eventually my wife confessed on my birthday a year ago. I tried for months after to make it work, but in the end we split up (after 23 years). We're now divorced, but amicable. The thing is an affair isn't the cause of a broken relationship, it's a symptom. It's awful, but it does get better.

I've booted her out, she's gone to her mum's (apparently, I can't trust anything she says any more)

edit double post

Try not to get too upset, I know it's difficult but anything you do or say now can have enormous implications later 🙁 As I said, I've been there. It's terrible, but don't make it worse by behaving badly yourself.

To the OP - I've just read through the posts, am really sorry to read that it's turned out this way.

I can only wish you the very best of luck...with a child between you, you're going to have to find a way of rising above whatever she's done and appearing to be the better person here.

There's always light at the end of the tunnel, if you've some good mates and plenty of things to do you'll get through it.

Thanks fellas, I'm strangely calm at the moment. I need to steel myself.

Do what you need to do...spend time with the little one, see your mates and find some new hobbies. It'll come out in the wash.

Sorry to hear that fella. Try and get hold of a close family member or a good mate who can listen, then offload a bit. Things will be OK, they'll just be different for a while.

Oh, mate - its going to cut you up something proper, but try and keep it together, and be strong for your daughter, as she's the one who needs lots of love and to know you care a lot about her right now.

Keep an eye on Netmums for the inevetable "I left my husband and now my boyfriend doesn't want to know, AIBU?" thread 🙂

going through a simalar situation at the moment(only no kids).married 10 years together 13.After months of distance,i found out she was having an affair,with a guy who works for the same company as me.she said it was a one off ,but after ending our marrige,she has admited its fairly serious with this guy.
I myself feel alot more together since we split up,blamed myself,for a while,but not anymore,have no malice towards her,(very different towards him).as previous posts have said be strong for your daughter.

Yetanotherone. Feel free to pm me, i work with this sort of situation as part of my job. All will be well in good time.

Yetanotherone. Feel free to pm me, i work with this sort of situation as part of my job. All will be well in good time.

Yetanotherone. Feel free to pm me, i work with this sort of situation as part of my job. All will be well in good time.

You really want to talk to him don't you!

😆 😆 ^^

Tonight she is angry and not talking to me because I am going out for a drink with my mates instead of 1: sitting at home ignoring each other, or 2: sitting at home arguing or 3: going out together and without doubt having a massive argument. I don't want to go out for a drink or a meal with who I consider to be my soon-to-be-ex wife thanks. I don't think I was being brutish or unkind bringing these facts to her attention, given the mess she is intent on causing, but she is furious.

Your wife has a personality disorder. Don't take it personally - as you said your the patsy.

Separation and divorce are all very well - but if you want to remain part of your kids' lives you have to maintain some kind of functional relationship with your ex

A friend of mine, an ex US Army Ranger, managed to convince the court his wife was bat-shit crazy and got full custody of his children - she tried to tell the court he was an abusive drunk (which he wasn't) and between his intelligent behaviour and his good lawyer they turned it round on her. It can be done. During the breakup she continually tried to test him to breaking point to see if she could make him fly off the hook and do something that would see him lose the children or go to prison. Instead, he calmly documented all the emotional abuse for court. I can't remember the exact details as it was drawn out over many months.

So I can't stress this enough, the OP needs to do his best to keep his cool. Stay calm, write down everything she say's to you in a journal for analysis by lawyers/shrinks and hit record on your smartphone if she starts raging out.

FFS.. I volunteer, doing work with families going through such things. I have a good understanding of how the whole thing works. I often wish we could help people sooner...

For the sake of your child don't do it at christmas and work on it if you can. That's all I'll say. There's no replacement for a solid family.

Screenprint that Facebook evidence. Keep a diary.
Kicking her out was a mistake though, the courts won't like that.

She's back this morning feeling very sorry for herself. Apparently nothing physical as happened between her and this man; this has all been a big ego massage for her and has happened since we first discussed our problems, and is not the catalyst for them. Apparently he started paying her attention at the gym and she let it happen.

She says nothing like this has happened before, and she doesn't think it would have gone past the flirting stage with this man, she was looking for a distraction from our other issues.

She says she hates herself for failing me, our marriage and our daughter. She says she has told him never to contact her again, and that she has deleted her facebook account.

She seems sincere; but she seemed sincere when I asked whether there was anyone else or anything at all external to our marriage a number of times in the last month. She seemed sincere when I poured my heart out and said that I suspected something was up due to her recent behaviour, and that I felt paranoid and insecure; and she looked me in the eye and promised me that nothing was happening. I don't know what to think.

well thats brought it into the open, so good for you, she will be feeling bad, who wouldn't, honesty is often the first casualty, but its the one thing that is needed most in these situations-- hold your head high my man, but let her redeem herself if she so wishes.Good luck both

I don't know what to think.

Neither would I.

But take your time and don't rush, both of you. This stuff is too important.

@yetanotherone

Your posts from a few days ago show you understand you can move on, you can be optimistic about the future.

The best way forward is councelling from Relate or similar (been there done that) as many have posted if you can work this out it will be best for you all and your daughter, it is possible to emerge with stronger relationship. If you try and you cannot then you know you have the strength to move on, its possible to do that and maintain a great relationship with your daughter.

What I would say is don't persist like this with no real progress, it needs to either improve or end.

Yetanotherone..

Been there etc..there are several parallels to what I've been through. I'm lucky, I don't have kids so its been a bit simpler for me.

Your misses sounds really confused, grass is greener and all that. My (nearly) ex wife did the same. Instead of talking about the problems she just went looking for the next best thing. I found out about it in a similar way to you, but when I confronted her she flat denied it. It was the lying that got me. It showed an absolute lack of respect.

If you both REALLY do want to save the marriage you'll need help. Relate or a good counciller. Be prepared for them to help you realise you might be better apart though.

You CAN'T carry on like this.. your head will explode or you will be a miserable shell of a human. It's no way to live.. I did for 12 months and it damn nearly killed me. Work out what you want, not whats best for everyone and talk it through.

I felt quite a sense of relief when she left and then I began to find out what she'd been up to. It was hard, really hard but every day things got better.. and then I met someone brilliant.... life goes on

keep us updated.. there are some wise words on here.

all the best

I couldn't think of anything to say other than "hire a private detective" on the first pages and felt that might make matters worse as her complaint is that you're a control freak, and fan the fire as you do seem to be a little jealous and insecure.

She accuses you of wanting to control everything, you deny it and then go checking her Facebook pages. If she didn't have sex (I'll accept a slightly wider definition than Clinton here) then nothing happened - she didn't lie. She's entitled to male friends and we all flirt.

We all try to seduce on many levels, we like to be liked, admired even, thought attractive, by our peers and the opposite sex. We like to feel free too, even if in reality we work within a mass of constraints such as work, kids, kids' activities, the weather, our partners etc..

Put yourself in her shoes, would you feel happy, carefree and in control of your destiny? I might be barking up the wrong tree but I don't think she's a nut and she may have a point.

She's entitled to male friends and we all flirt.

Have you considered OP that she may have wanted you (consciously or not) to find out? If someone is having an affair (if that's what it is), then they surely don't plaster it all over an external website and/or leave their phone or whatever lying around to be found. It depends as above on what the messages were and also the nuances which you know and clearly I don't.

It would also explain her apparent confusion when she was upset with you going out. She really wanted you to pay her some attention maybe?

Clearly I may be wrong, but on the basis of what you said I would at least consider that.

It was the lying that got me. It showed an absolute lack of respect.

Never a truer word spoken!

I'd never take her back as relationships are based on trust and you'll struggle to ever trust her again.

Call me a pessimist but i'd suggest she's told the gym bloke that she's left and he's either told her he just wanted a fling or more likely that he's probably married/in a relationship already. Now she's back with her tail between her legs to her safety net.

It's up to you though isn't it, only you can make the decision to try and save the relationship? Just don't spend the next 10 years with her being miserable just to take the best option for your child, life's too short.

Nothing physical? Sorry I say walk. Adults dont kiss and hold hands. Sorry I'd I wouldn't believe that. Men and women who start affairs hit sex almost immediately upon affirmation of interest. Its like a drug. Sorry.