It's worth mentioning that children/young adults do notice adult behaviour and they can become rather confused. Believe me, it's interesting having chats with my son (he's now mid-20's) and his take on his parents' former relationship.
Thanks all you don't know how much some of these comments have made me cry and laugh at the absurdity of life.
So I went out for a ride, came home and had a couple of beers, read over this thread, and do you know what, I think it's going to be OK. I hope we can resolve our issues but if not then we can remain friends and do whatever we can to bring our daughter up in a loving, stable environment.
Also I can quit saving for a bigger house and spend more money on bikes and cars, grow a beard and drink beer in my pants, which is quite appealing 🙂
Surely a glass would be a better receptacle?
😉
Good luck, whatever the future brings you!
As ever there's been some really good advice here,
My 2p worth.
Councilling is well worth a shot IF you both want to give it a try. Its pointless if one party can't really be bothered (my experience)
If I were you, whilst hoping for the best have a loose plan in case the worst happens. Its easier to throw away the worst case plan than make it when your feeling really emotional and vulnerable.
Your mates are really important.. they DO give a s**t.
I basically disappeared for 18 months whilst I tried to save my marriage, in essence i wasn't allowed to see my friends, they were boring apparently. My mates were awesome when I re-appeared with "my news"
All the best to you. I really hope it works out for you and you get what YOU want.
Also I can quit saving for a bigger house and spend more money on bikes and cars, grow a beard and drink beer in my pants, which is quite appealing
This is pretty much what I have done, she never let me grow a beard so its some thing I now enjoy doing on an irregular basis 😉
All the best kid, genuinely
Why not cop off with a younger and better looking woman? Or does that just happen on Pistonheads? 😆
We've been together 25 years, married for 19. There have been plenty times when either one of us could have thrown in the towel but we didn't. I'd say we are probably stronger now than ever before.
Marriage takes a shit load of working at. All sorts of things can cause problems, i.e. boredom, frustration, thinking other people "have things better", depression, tiredness, routine. You get the idea.
If she's willing to get down to Relate, hot foot it ASAP. May not get all the answers but having someone to mediate could help. By doing nothing you stand to lose everything. Be a bit proactive.
Really sorry to read that, sounds absolutely dreadful.
I have been through similar things, but on much shorter relationships. Have you thought about the qualities of your personality that she fell in love with when you first met?
OK thought I would give an update.
We've talked about things almost every day for the last month and some really hurtful stuff has come out that I honestly wasn't aware of. She has been to two counselling sessions (but didn't want me to go with her) and has said she has found them useful. She has given me snippets of what they talked about but I have been careful not to push.
She really resents me for being controlling: I can admit I am very assertive and someone who likes to get things done. She said that this was one of the things she found really attractive about me when we first got together, but nearly a decade on she feels totally different and feels like she wants to run away.
She says that the big disparity in our earnings means she doesn't feel like she has a say in the things we do: I'm sensitive to this and make sure I never bring it up or play the "I'm paying so we do what I want" card, and I thought that it was my job as a husband to provide for her and take care of the mortgage, bills, holidays, cars etc - but for some reason this isn't right.
She says she feels "wrong" having any physical contact with me and has even started getting changed in the bathroom so I don't see her undressed. She has stopped wearing her wedding ring. These two things cut me really deep.
She has asked for a trial separation. We are renting a flat in the village where our daughter is going to attend school (we need to be in the catchment area; we were due to buy a house there at Christmas but obviously this is not going to happen now so this is the next best thing) - but she has asked me to move there, rather than her move out into the rented flat or our other house. I am furious about this; I never brought on this situation and I feel that she should move out and live independently if she wants some space.
I am angry, depressed, and becoming paranoid, which I have never ever been. I find myself freaking out every time she gets a text or email or spends time at the gym or with friends. I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again. I've lost 2 stone in weight. This isn't the real me, she is destroying me. Part of me wants her to suffer but I still love her deeply and want things to go back to normal 🙁
On the plus side I went to the pub on Saturday and had "the eyes" from a really attractive girl who came over and introduced herself and we had a good chat; she was way too young for me and it could never go anywhere but it was a great ego boost!
Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.
Would you like me to repeat that?
Get your finances in order, it sounds like it's coming to an end (sorry).
This may be the best for you as your mental and physical health is suffering.
On the plus side I went to the pub on Saturday and had "the eyes" from a really attractive girl who came over and introduced herself and we had a good chat; she was way too young for me and it could never go anywhere but it was a great ego boost!
nowt wrong with havin a bash though 😉
stay strong fella.
Good luck to you.
I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again.
Do what you can to look after your physical health - it will help your mental health over the coming months (plus keep you looking sweet for women in pubs!).
Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.
Have you ever heard anyone who's been there, talk of cutting out the middle man? Just meet a girl, then give her a house?
That's certainly the way the legal system looks at it
Chin up fella. Its a miserable time but you'll get through it!
Stay strong. I know it's going to seem tough, really tough to do that, but you have to keep it together.
I know that she's gone to a couple of counselling sessions, but it would really help if you both went to something together. Sometimes having a third party involved in a discussion can help work things out.
One thing I will say though is that you have to quit the drinking and smoking NOW. It will not help you at all and will, worse case, make things harder for you should there be any issue of custody later on. However, that's conjecture. RIGHT NOW it will be ****ing up your body, so stop it. And start eating properly too. It's amazing how much better you will feel when you've slept properly and had a decent meal.
Keep it together. I mean it.
Whatever happens; DO NOT MOVE OUT.
What's the problem with moving out? (genuine question)
OP, please be careful with the drink/smokes, it can't lead anywhere good at all. Sounds like you (understandably) need a bit of a self-respect boost. If you've got the time, how about working on fitness...good for stress, escapism, self-esteem imho. Best of luck, however things turn out.
I am angry, depressed, and becoming paranoid, which I have never ever been. I find myself freaking out every time she gets a text or email or spends time at the gym or with friends. I'm drinking lots and not eating, and have started smoking again. I've lost 2 stone in weight. This isn't the real me, she is destroying me. Part of me wants her to suffer but I still love her deeply and want things to go back to normal
I could have written that, I feel your pain I had to live with my wife for 3 months after she ended the marriage it was a very toxic situation I also knew she was having a 'friendship' with another man, it was truly awful.
All the best, I hope it works out for you, but be prepared for the very rocky road ahead.
You'll never get back in and end up paying the mortgage (for the term) on a house that you don't live in and you will not be able to force her to sell. At least if she goes, you get to live in the house which you are paying for.
If she wants a separation, then she can separate into the flat.
Look after yourself, you need to combat that depression.
Get a good constructive routine sorted.
Eat well.
Sleep well.
Even if it all seems a bit pointless and you feel like an empty shell, this will ensure you have the strength to get through this.
You'll never get back in and end up paying the mortgage (for the term) on a house that you don't live in and you will not be able to force her to sell. At least if she goes, you get to live in the house which you are paying for.
If she wants a separation, then she can separate into the flat.
+ 1 million!
I hope mum has a nice time coming round to visit you and your daughter, and taking her out for the day.
ecoute et repete!
You wouldn't go far wrong having a private off-forum word with binners OP. Hes been through some interesting times and come out the right way up.
nowt wrong with havin a bash though
Is it cheating to er, have physical relations, with another woman if my wife leaves under a trial separation? I'm not sure what the etiquette is these days
What Wrecker says
trial separation
The answer is in the word 'separation'. You're single, so go for it.
Is it cheating to er, have physical relations, with another woman if my wife leaves under a trial separation? I'm not sure what the etiquette is these days
I think it's traditional to agree boundaries before embarking on a "trial separation". If you both agree to boff other people then I'd suggest dropping the word "trial" from the process.
Don't do anything that you would not wish to be bought up in divorce proceedings or wifey could tell you daughter of later. Be squeeky clean.
As above. Have been there (in a slightly different way), I remember the wedding ring thing. It was horrible at the time, a very dark place that I thought I'd never get out of, but a few years on I have never been happier. It does get better.
3 pieces of advice:
- Don't move out;
- Stop smoking and drinking. Completely. You yourself need to deal with this, not through a prop. I stopped drinking totally for 2 months and it is partly what saved me, I think. It messes you up, particularly sleep patterns. Don't just have "one", focus your anger on maintaining that self-discipline;
- Stay away from other women until you feel ready to move on. Otherwise it gets worse when that inevitably goes wrong as you're not over this one.
[i]Don't do anything that you would not wish to be bought up in divorce proceedings or wifey could tell you daughter of later. Be squeeky clean.[/i]
This, if only for your own sanity and self-respect.
You will know, we all do, bitter divorcees (or separatees). Tell yourself, repeatedly as necessary, that you're not going to become one. Be the bigger man and do the right thing when the situation calls for it.
This doesn't mean bending over backwards, it means acting rationally, fairly and in adult manner and not acting out of anger or spite. It's by all means not easy, especially if the other party will not do the same, but stick to your guns. It will help you in the long term as you will be able to look back with a clear conscience.
I really think ononeorange and IHN are speaking much sense and you should definitely take this advice onboard.
Personally not been where you are, but I feel for you! good luck.
I have been in a similar situation not long ago.
Heres what I learnt:
1)If things get acrimonious it can quickly spin out of control.It is bloody hard to be rational but you are far more likely to get what you want by being firm by fair and keeeping the lines of communication open.
2)If you haven`t already found it the wikivorce forum is a great source of free information.
3) Keep doing the stuff you enjoy and have a routine.
4)Your kids will still love you.
5) Solicitors will tell you that you need to involve them as much as possible,when you can actually do a lot of the work yourself.Try to sort out as much as you can about finances through dialogue with your ex before you go down the solicitor route.
6) There is light at the end of the tunnel.
To the OP - sorry to read about what you've been through this past few weeks, as others have said, there is light at the end of the tunnel, so try and keep it together for the sake of the little one. No-one could accuse you of not wanting to try to fix things.
As others have said, do not under any circumstances move out of the home. You already have a second home, so missus can go there to cool off and you need to arrange appropriate access for your child. Do not allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into moving out.
You need to get a grip on the drinking and smoking, which will be much easier in familiar surroundings. It's a big ask, but you'll be the better person for staying clean and sober. If you need to seek the help of a group, then do so.
OP very sorry to hear your situation. Sounds like she needs to get a grip if you ask me, you sound like a nice fellow just trying to do the right thing.
If she doesn't appreciate you there are thousands out there who will so keep your chin up! It may not seem like it now but things will get better, time is a great healer.
Thanks all for the kind words, you've really helped me out, sometimes venting to "strangers" is good therapy. I've taken on board the advice about sorting myself out and being strong.
I think I have turned a corner today - no drinks or smoking yesterday and the same tonight and I feel as if I am out the other side of something. Do you know I'm starting to think that this isn't such a bad situation, I will be able to do what I want when I want (after my daughter's needs obviously), will be able to enjoy being "me" rather than "us", and RJ blunt and bombastic as you are usually I hear what you are saying.
Maybe it is her that has the problem and I'm the unfortunate patsy, maybe I could have been a better husband, but I can see a way through this now and I know I can hold my head high and with conviction say that I treated her in the way a lady deserves to be treated, and if she can't appreciate that then hey it's her loss. I know I can still be an excellent father to my daughter and that is what is important.
Good man, yetanotherone. Keep going, you know you can.
Here here, that's the spirit 🙂
Reading between the lines in your first post she seems to not fancy you anymore, if the sex is bad then she was always going to get bored and leave eventually.
Should have spent more time watching porn and taken those ideas into the bedroom, blowing her mind in the bedroom from time to time would've kept her keen.
You're welcome.
I often enjoy reading between the lines of posts to insult people too, but I try and keep it to threads where it isn't tasteless.
Good to hear you've turned a corner, OP! Keep it up and keep venting all you want 🙂
Doing what you want when you want is the best bit. For 50% of my free time I can now go out on the bike ,go out with my mates and do whatever I please. And when I do have my kids with me, I am much more involved with them as a consequence. 🙂
Some links:
http://www.andrewgmarshall.com/i-love-you-but-im-not-in-love-with-you
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sheryl-paul/love-is-a-verb_1_b_1940731.html?ncid=
http://conscious-transitions.com/the-dream-of-happily-ever-after/
Be strong, it will get easier. Good luck.
Okay only read first page ...
To OP,
If it is intimacy that is causing the problem shouldn't you initiate some new "positions" or "styles"? I mean perhaps make yourself look like Brad Pit or some of the adult star first? I mean she keeps herself fit but perhaps you have let yourself go a bit? No?
Thanks chaps - @sambuka some great stuff in those links, although some of those people are a bit weird - that's the internet for you I suppose 🙂 It doesn't make any difference to me if my wife is cheating, what's done is done in my opinion. If she is, she already is so needs to deal with that herself - me installing keyloggers on her computers and planting voice recorders in her car is a path I will definitely not be following! But thanks for the links, some really informative reading.
So I really turned a corner last night. Sat her down and had a good chat. Told her I no longer fear losing her and we decided she is to move out into the flat we are renting. Told her that if down the line we can work things out, great, but I am not going to be a doormat and will just get on with my life. I think this hit her really hard and she wasn't expecting it - I have been moping around feeling sorry for myself but suddenly the fog has lifted, I feel like a new man.
Today I am smiling and getting my mojo back, it's like a river of confidence flooding into me. Yes this isn't a great situation, and yes I will get through this 🙂
Tomorrow I have a DH uplift day booked followed by a couple of beers with my mates, sweeet!
Good for you. All the best, sounds like a horrible situation.
Good man.
My ex had a baby this morning. Thought it'd make me feel weird, but it doesn't; it's actually the fact that I don't feel weird about it that I feel weird about. Basically, it (clearly 🙂 )shows that you do move on.
I was out having a beer with a mate last night.Both he and I separated from our wives a couple of years ago and we were chatting about how things are now.
He seems to quite like his single life, I have a girlfriend and we are both quite happy with life.
Both of us still talk to our exes who in both cases have new partners. Our cases are both very different to many who have long acrimonius separations but we both agreed that we are quite happy about how things are now.
In both cases I think our marriages finished at a point before it became messy which is always better in the long run.
I have been moping around feeling sorry for myself but suddenly the fog has lifted, I feel like a new man.
Best thing I've read all day 🙂
