Sorry to hear this, really feel for you. If you both can move on from this then hats off to you, I hope you can do it. Reality is though, that she will probably do it again and your head will be messed up, doubting the relationship is working for years if you stay with her.
It's all about the children though, be there for them and don't let them see the both of you arguing. I remember seeing my parents fight at an early age and it scared me shit less. I grew up never getting to know my dad as he was never at home because he couldn't bear to be around my mum. He stayed with her for the sake of his children and to keep the family together. He died young, the rest is history with no real memories.
Very best of luck though.
you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side
Yip. Thats bound to improve the situation, no end. As everyone is behaving far too rationally and sensibly, lets drag someone else into it, then add a huge extra helping of anger and bitterness. You'll feel better for about 0.5 of a second, before things get immeasurably worse for everyone involved
you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..
Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side
Yip. Thats bound to improve the situation, no end. As everyone is behaving far too rationally and sensibly, lets drag someone else into it, then add a huge extra helping of anger and bitterness. You'll feel better for about 0.5 of a second, before things get immeasurably worse for everyone involved
I may add that said ex is still with this Guy and is happy but he had told my missus that he had told his, sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind and call a bluff
Im not saying the OP should do this but I found it forced the issue as regards to everyones feelings and moving on from the mess
If she's prepared to give Relate a go, and you are too, then I withdraw my earlier comment regarding wee and shoes.
Maybe you will be able to trust her again, and maybe the post natal depression is the significant factor. Either way, it's probably not the right time or place so apologies for the bad advice offered in the heat of the moment.
However, remember that with Relate, there are limitations on the sort of advice they can give and even if it does become the right time and place, they're unlikely to point that out to you. Likewise, with paying this "car park colleague" a visit. You may trust your wife's excuses, but this slimy **** has none. It's up to you if a visit would be better with his wife present, or on his own, but Relate are unlikely to advise here.
The status quo is awesome for her, she's got a house, husband, kids and her boyfriend. If that means that she's got to give you a bit of hope (saying how things have been better since you started CBT etc) then that's what she'll do.
As above - snake with tits.
She's mucking with your head to have her cake and eat it - keep your dignity and tell the thunderous plum to do one. I wouldn't trust her as far as I could spit her.
Get legalled up and move on - put the kids first as most of the time she'll end up with them no matter what happens but don't let her take advantage.
Sorry it's all turned to this, remember keep your dignity and don't get twisted by her lies.
I have mp great words of advice but I do feell for you - never easy when one ends but it gets better much better.
aksed and she says the other man hasn't told his wife, even though he allegedly wants to be with mine - sounds lik he's hedging his bets?
No offence but that is a mental decision why would she start burning bridges when he has not?
I dont think it will end well for her
I dont have any great insight , only you can decisde whether you want ot hang on in there to try and save it or just let it all crumble
Whatever your decison I wish you well.
I think i would tell his missus tbh as he desrves to have to deal with some shit as well as you.
It's fine to come on here for moral support, and it sounds as if you're doing the right things.
The only thing to bear in mind is that before you press the button on your marriage, quite possibly permanently altering your relationship with your kids and your finances, you need to be 100% sure that nothing you could have done would have made the relationship viable, as that's a bad regret to carry for the rest of your days.
Battered pride is usually a shorter-lived problem.
thread glitchy BUMP
Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.
.................
But that was just an excuse in the first place - her way of justifying her actions. Him wanting to have a sex life was never *really* the reason.
Well, in that case it's even more clear she doesn't give a toss as she's started an affair *maliciously* EDIT: not the right word but I can't think what I mean at the moment.
Couple of people mentioned that there's always two sides to the story which is very true. OP might be a completely bullish knob but at the end of the day, she married him so she should sort the issues out. if its every day, run of hte mill moans then I stand by what I said, she is a coward and shouldn't have done it. If he is a violent wife beater then OP has his own conscience to deal with but still doesnt explain away an affair - that's not going to help.
OP hope you can manage to get through all this ok
I'm afraid I'm with the majority on this , a clean break is where I'd be going in your situation.
globalti - MemberShe's deluding herself if the thinks people can still experience the same feelings of love after 6 years together; they have to settle down into a routine
Not true my wife and I have been together for 23 years (married 10)and if anything are more in love with each other now than 12 months after we got together ,we have plenty of other friends in our situation.
druidh - Membermattzzzzzz » Ring his missus thats what I did
Ono the one hand, it seems a bit nasty
I'd call it karma druid, agreed, not nice but a man can't expect to take another man's wife and incur no consequence, not in my book anyway.
As important tho, his missus deserves to know the truth so he can't just have his cake and eat it.
Back to karma, your wife WILL get hurt with this guy, it will only be a matter of time til he gets 'itchy-feet' again...
Chin up and look to he future! 🙂
Sexist comment coming up
Men have affairs for a bit of slap and tickle
Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention
Usually the chase is the good bit where your attentive and a good listener then they drop their knickers and you get the end game( sometimes more than once) then they get feelings for you and it gets sticky and do do one
This is him ^^^^^
Sexist But true
"do do one"
Reserved for people who are VERY in love.
🙂
Sexist But true
No, sexist and a generalisation based on your own perceptions. Probably not true.
de do don don't de do?
[img] 
[/img]
@topangarrider
Sorry to hear. Not great but ... equally far from insurmountable. As the early poster said - get some counselling from Relate.
FWIW she needs to stop contacting this guy, IMO she needs to stop seeing him so if she's serious she might have to leave her job.
If you love her fight for her. For sure she has some fighting for you to do to. Working this out should make your relationship stronger and in any case would be best for your kids.
If we lived in an ideal world you'd have the option of filling him in and kicking her out of the house and keeping the kids. Unfortunately we dont live in an ideal world.
What you do depends on what your principles are. I operate on a zero tolerance approach to cheating.
Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention
Er, this is the 21st Century - get real! Women do enjoy sex and, shock horror, many have also discovered where the G-spot is!
Back to your cave matey. 😉
Women do enjoy sex and, shock horror, many have also discovered where the G-spot is!
Not with me they dont
[quote=Junkyard]Not with me they don't
Don't wear your balaclava then.
😆
"many have also discovered where the G-spot is"
Men's? Oh god.
Women have affairs for a bit of Love and Attention
Hmmm - have often wondered about this sort of emotional level stuff...
Longer ago than I care to admit to, and older (female) relative explained that:
- women tend to only love one person at a time, and would "fall out of love" before being able to move on...
BUT
- that some men were able to love more than one woman, deeply & equally, without necessarily falling out of love with one or the other...
... Now, this was an older relative, referring to the "indiscretions" of an even older relative, so, way, way out od date in a social context. But I have often mused on the emotional meaning. It wasn't meant as a blase justification for an extra-marital affair. I was genuinely surprised that such a repressed, conservatively minded, anti-sex before marriage / out of wedlock person could have utterred such a view - but it was as heartfelt as it was out of character - a real begrudging admission that some things didn't tally with her own world / religious / social view.
Any validity in this?
Any validity in this?
Probably, but I doubt whether it's gender specific. Womens and mens minds aren't that different, they're just trained to be different. This training would've been all the more obvious in previous generations.
And, not ignoring the OP...
If she has moved on, emotionally, is there much that can be done?
ETA
Probably, but I doubt whether it's gender specific. Womens and mens minds aren't that different, they're just trained to be different. This training would've been all the more obvious in previous generations.
That's the rub though - nature vs nurture etc, and why I specifically framed it in emotional terms. Men and women are programmed differently when it comes to some biochemical responses - especially those to do with gender / sexuality etc??
Sounds like you need some professional advice
From a locksmith. Ask him to bring a big bag of MTFU too.
That's the rub though - nature vs nurture etc, and why I specifically framed it in emotional terms. Men and women are programmed differently when it comes to some biochemical responses - especially those to do with gender sexuality etc??
Men and women are programmed differently this is true, but to what extent is the big question. Personally I think it is a lot less than we are often led to believe. Gender/sexuality aren't necessarily interchangeable and we as a species can see a wide range of both (XX, XY, XXY, XXYY, XXXY genes and an even wider variety of sexualities!) so subdividing us into male and female and applying virtues/vices based on this is a pretty blunt way of viewing the world.
However, it is very handy if you want to create certain myths about one (or both genders) that allow a certain amount of control to be exerted over the other...
Womens and mens minds aren't that different, they're just trained to be different
Not so sure having kids they do seem to innately like different things
Dont think we will ever solve nature v nurture but both play a role
This sounds terrible but I doubt very much its a kiss in the car. I am NOT saying this to be hopeful for you but I do think her lessening the intended damage and being confused could give you false hope. I think she needs to be very honest with you. Adults dont kiss and cuddle. Plus I think shes putting blame on you/trying to explain away her shocking irresponsible behaviour as your fault. Once you know ALL the details you may have an epiphany and sit yourself in the drivers seat/change your current back-footed stance.
This fella also needs talking to. No violence but if a man is prepared to **** around at work with a young family then he needs to feel abit of stress IMO. Its not sour grapes but he isn't helping her confusion and hes knowingly getting what he wants at a families expense.
In addition, I do think that naming him 'Jessica' in the phone book is a definite attempt at deception to carry things on. Its not innocent holding hands.
If it all does break up I'd consider paternity testing.
This is terrible to say but I think well meaning comments aren't always the best way to go.
What would I do? If I found out my partner had been seeing someone? I'd try reconciliation and I think I'm man enough to forgive someone for sleeping with another if it was workable. Its maybe a sign of weakness but I can see why you would and where you are coming from OP.
Not so sure having kids they do seem to innately like different things
Can't argue with that, experienced it first hand! Although as always, anecdote isn't the singular of data.
I just think that in situations like the OP is in, blaming or excusing behaviour based on gender is stereotyping and worse than that is potentially scientifically wrong!
ANYONE generalising about matters like this on the basis of gender needs to stop and think.
The OP and his Mrs are individuals!
We're all individuals, cynic-al....
oh mate 🙁
[quote=hora ]
If it all does break up I'd consider paternity testing.
Or a least a visit to the nearest STD clinic.
And I can't believe no one has mentioned this yet, but it's the Suwan[b]ee[/b] 🙄
You might all be individuals,but I'm not!
To the OP - some very good advice ^^^. Have experienced a split and it is a world of blame/hassle/guilt/hurt etc and to some extent the 'complications' never go away. That said there is life after separation and providing you can keep it polite and/or remain a calm influence in your kids lives then it's better than being miserable.
If your gut tells you to try again then DO listen to this. Definitely try Relate, if it doesn't help you try again it might at least clear the air a bit and you'll know you tried it.
You both need to try and see the reality that is post separation as it's no bed of roses even if she thinks there might be someone waiting for her. Try to remember what you liked about each other, the good points and not just the bad. Get some time for yourselves as a couple, try some new experiences as that way you have a thing to discuss rather than 'us'. Take your time to figure out how you feel and what you want. Don't rush into anything.
Good luck, try your hardest and if separation is the way then continue to do your best. Trying to make things better is SOOO difficult but it is possible.
Practically, get some good legal advice and think very hard about the time you want your kids and what you can realistically do. If you can't do half the time then you'll not be the main carer and need to know the consequences of that now. If you can then don't accept any less as the pattern of care you first have will be hard to change if the other parent doesn't agree.
PND isn't an excuse but it is a disabling condition that cn cause the sufferer to struggle in lots of ways. It also changes who they are and thus how you feel about them. Knowing it's an issue is half the battle and you can both fight against it. So, worth a trip to the Doc's to see what they say as that might help you both.
Good luck. Plenty make it work and plenty don't. Either way you and your kids will be fine cos you'll make it so.
LOL at 'do do one' tho'. STW does do one liners well sometimes 😀
Women do enjoy sex .....
Not with me they dont
Genius.
🙂
And possibly a bit of this....
I wish you all the best in this dreadful time. Over the last 8 months or so I have been going through a breakup. Please be careful she has lied to you and hidden her tracks before lying to you again. I am still finding out more details of her behaviour after all this time. It does get less painful in time. Keep concentrating on the kids it will helped me no end. She also promised to go to relate and to try and fix things. She had already moved on though.
This is based only on my experience and everyone is different.
Two things:
a) "...I'm finding it difficult to disagree with Kryton57..." is my STW initiation finally over? 😯
b) Back OT, I just told Mts Kryton this story. Her immediate 3 reactions where i) "Stupid Cow - she 14 or something, needs to grow up?" and ii) "Its the kids that'll suffer, becuase of a selfish adult, I bet she's lived her life, what about them...?" iii) get over the cheating married idiot and get back home (she means the other man btw)
Just saying.....
Nothing to add mate on the relationship, but thinking of you and your little people. A happy healthy Dad is so important to them growing up you have a tough time ahead and some tough choices but you being happy healthy is a big part of doing your job as a dad well.
Take care fella.
