There is a difference between "staying together for the children" & working at your marriage for the children & yourselves.
no way would i try to stay together 'for the kids' again.
i tried it before, it doesnt work.
ive been in a similar situation to the op, my wife admitted to me that she had 'met' a guy on the internet and was leaving me for him, months later i found out it had been going on for 3 months before she told me.
he gave her all the bulls hit about how he was a millionaire, owned 5 houses etc, even told her after he had divorced his first wife he would probably have enough left over to buy another ferrari.
and she fell for it, hook, line, and sinker.
fast forward a decade, turns out it was all bulls hit, hes worse off than i am, and im skint!
we seperated, then got divorced, i met someone else, remarried and honestly ive never been happier.
trust (or, lack of) is the issue here, i think it always is.
im not gonna advise the op on what to do, hes a big boy now and has probably already decided deep down what needs to be done.
good luck buddy.
why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw
It's not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs - it's just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that's all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.
If a husband has a quick affair with a work colleague and the wife asks "did it mean anything?". If he says "no" then there's a good chance he's probably telling the truth. Ask the same thing to your wife who's had an affair and if she says "no it didn't mean anything" then there's a good chance she's probably lying. It's not right, it's not wrong, it's just how we as humans are built 95% of the time.
zokes - MemberHow's about this: it's not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡
Plus you have no proof that she's had sex with the guy. Just presumably a hunch.
A kiss in a car, come now gentlemen, what gets kissed in cars?
I think you said it yourself early on......you want to try but she loves someone else and doesn't want to try and love you.
As hard, and painful, as this is, it is the root of why it should end cleanly now. Anything you put in to sorting this out, and it'll be a lot, will be stripped from you as it'll be a one sided effort. I wouldn't wish that feeling on anyone.
My parents divorced when I was young, maybe 4. My siblings were 2 and another a few months. Growing up with 2 happy individuals in my life, as opposed to an arguing, untrusting, couple, has done me zero harm and has left me with much fonder memories of childhood than some of my friends whose parents went the other way.
It's hard, will make you feel sick I'd imagine, but in my opinion (for what that is worth) you should ask her to politly find another place to stay whilst you both begin to seperate. There is no reason you should be the one to leave by the way - my dad raised us.
Reality check:
Get yourself a solicitor.
Hide your assets.
"Hide your assetts" - won't take long!
I'm fairly sure there hasn't been more than just a kiss - there's been no opportunity.
Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can't forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together. She seem not to want to tell her folks/sister. I think this is because it will burst the bubble of her relationship with him, bringing it out into the open.
Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?
Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?
That depends on a couple of things:
a) Do you think you'll ever be able to regain the level of trust you used to have in her
b) Do you think she'll ever value those 15 years as much as you clearly do
If the answer to either of those questions is no, then IMO no amount of counseling or mediation will solve the issue, it might just make it more amicable until something else cases the issue to rear its ugly head again.
EDIT: (And thanks Ernie) "It's likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum. "
Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?
It's likely to provide you with better advice than what is available on a mtb forum.
Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?
Nothing to lose and possibly something to gain, yes. I can't see their advice being worse than a bunch of MTBers on a forum and as you're still posting here the replies so far must have offered some comfort, useful content or light relief.
It's not handy, or an excuse and I never said that it was fine for men to have affairs - it's just a fairly fundamental difference between men and women and how their minds work that's all. Try reading some books on the differences is pscychology between men and women and you can find out for yourself.
This stuff has been said a lot over the years, it is finally being challenged a bit and the recognition that 'psychology' is a young subject area and the differences between men and women may be due to society, rather than anything fundamental, has been a long time coming. I don't believe there's a fundamental difference and I think the proof that has been produced (think: Men are from Mars, Women from Venus and everything it spawned) has been routinely and professionally critiqued.
Anyway, OP you have my sympathies, I haven'[t been through what you're going through so can't offer any useful advice, except it might be an idea to get yourself down to the UG clinic for a check up. I believe this is standard advice for those finding out about affairs (even those claimed not to have become sexual).
[i]I'm fairly sure there hasn't been more than just a kiss - there's been no opportunity[/i]
But the will was there. Just my opinion, but once the trust has been broken, Well. Some things, when they break. Can't be fixed.
[i]Half of me wants to end it because of the lies, but the other half still loves her and I can't forget about the last 15 years and everything we have done together.[/i]
Our pasts are important to us, so is the future.
But we live in the [i]Now[/i].
Should we go to relate anyway - whatever the outcome?
Simple answer, ask your wife whether she want's to go to Relate. This will prove if she's serious about fixing things. If she says yes then maybe you have a slim chance. If she says no, and is not prepared to fully open up and discuss the issue then it's better you walk sooner rather than later.
If he owns in a Micra, you're fine, can't do much more than kiss....
.... but if he has a van on the other hand...
She's deluding herself if the thinks people can still experience the same feelings of love after 6 years together; they have to settle down into a routine. In seeking more of this so-called "love" she is demonstrating her intellectual immaturity. And damaging you and the colleague. Is she worth that?
I can't imagine life without my son, and soon to be next child. As flattering as it is to be admired by, have a conversation with, have lunch with, have a drink with another woman albeit friend / work colleague, I take a good look around me and decide that I don't want to tear down everything I've "built" over the last 10-15 years for a snog / shag with another woman.
I'd also want to build the best life possible for my kids.
Maybe you should ask your o/h that question. At the end of the day she's walking away from her children and thier lives and the ability to have more of a positive influence on thier future - has she thought of the impact her actions will have on them?
And (with respect) have you? It sounds as though you're not entirely innocent behavior wise, so perhaps its time to sit with her in a neutral place and discuss the issues, the potential outcomes and share your mutual thoughts about how you want your kids to grow up, how each of you feel that the other should modify your behavior - leave the "L" word out of the conversation. Be a family unit, for your kids. We all **** up from time to time, but the mark of the man / woman is what you do from there. You might forgive her, and in return she might return to be a good mother to your kids, and you's give her the space she needs to do so. She in return needs to understand that running to another man isn't the answer.
And btw, for all those that sneak a look at your wife phone bills, thats her business, and by doing that you are breaking a trust barrier, even in your own paranoid head. Trust is an essential part of the relationship and thats just starting the rot.
Wife doesn't have to go to Relate. It will help the OP marshal his thoughts. They help you provide your own decision by asking questions, Relate won't provide the answers though.
All the best to you and your family.
Oh dear, I am sorry to hear this.
On the one hand, I've had children - it does PROPERLY **** with your head. On the other hand, I've also been cheated on, and I found the loss of trust untenable (the actual act is bad enough, one could forgive a spur-of-the-moment drunken knee-trembler, but not the systematic lying).
Why not try a few sessions at Relate? See how it goes, see what effort both of you are putting in. You need to keep your self-respect and dignity (while acknowledging that your lady may have PND) so assess the situation regularly and be prepared to act accordingly.
I think the texts/contact with the other bloke have to stop though. I personally would insist on that (and yes, I'd probably go and have a word (or more) - particularly if your lady HAS got PND and he has taken advantage of that).
Good luck 🙂
Another recommendation for Relate.
And stay strong.
emma82 - Member
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, one of the most truly disgusting things (I think) that someone can do is have an affair. It's disrespectful, hurtful and unforgivable. The problem with going to somewhere like relate is that it won't sort out the underlying issue here and that is that your wife deals with issues in a cowardly way. She now knows she is capable of an affair, how it makes her feel and most importantly how you deal with it when you find out. Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.At the end of the day the woman had a baby, billions of women manage to have babies and keep there knickers on except for taking them off for their husband. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of knowing the consequences her actions have, yet she still continued to see this guy. That must tell you a lot. This is now going to turn into some horrible cycle for you if you stay with her, in two years time you'll find she's had another affair, there will always be someone in the background and she'll always be on the look out. eventually she'll find someone that will take her on and she'll leave you and you'll have to go through all this again. This is your opportunity to get rid now and move on, she's proved that your 15 years have meant nothing whatsoever and never will. Get out now and start to rebuild your life, find someone who respects you enough not to mess around.
I'm sad to say that this is the truth.
I struggle with long sentences.
I've been that person, the one who had the affair.
Anyone who thinks life will click along like its on rails is in for a shock, sooner or later. And although its a cliche, if you've not been involved in it, if you have no direct experience, there is much that you won't understand.
[i] there is much that you won't understand. [/i]
quite possibly, but everyone understands that having an affair is a fundamentally dishonest act, don't they?
Sorry for what's going on, it's shit.
Gotta say I agree with Emma, she knew what she was doing, she's got a special SIM!!!! c'mon that's lying end of!
Possibly she's enjoying the flattery/flirting with no pressure to 'perform'. But it comes across as though she's mixed up/doesn't know what she wants/what you want etc etc.
Get a grip springs to mind - There's kids involved...
FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.
[i]We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.[/i]
You didn't fancy her, in other words.
😉
druidh - Member
FWIW, when my first marriage was falling apart I got support from a work colleague who was going through the same thing. It was invaluable having someone outside the circle of friends my wife and I had built up to talk to .
We'd often grab lunch, swim or play squash. She was also hawt as. However, not once did I entertain the notion of a romantic relationship with her. That would have destroyed the value of our friendship.
The fact that you had the sense to take the benefits of the 'support' without 'taking it further' is the difference here imo.
The fact that she's is asking him back makes it even worse.
OP - I would say seek advice from someone whom you can trust (not a solicitor) but who will give you the cold hard truth whether you like it or otherwise and lay your terms down to your wife.
Just make sure you stick to them.
Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.
But that was just an excuse in the first place - her way of justifying her actions. Him wanting to have a sex life was never *really* the reason.
been there seen the film read the book got a dozen t shirts.. no matter how much you want something, you might not get it.
seems like you had a great time for all those years, and you look back on them fondly and rightly so.
now turn a page and move on.
plan a life without her and get started. be fair be firm, compromise means everybody gets what they didnt want. so have a clear idea of what post marraige short and med term looks like and stick to it.
do not be a victim twice over
1. Talk first - ask what she wants and tell her what you want
2. Relate
3. Consider legal advice - the children aspect makes it a little more complicated.
4. Remind your children over and over that you love them.
+1 what Totalshell said
I speak from experience,start a new life and let hers run its course then she may see the error of her ways and want you back then its YOUR decision something that you cannot do right now is make her see sense
Email in profile if you want someone to talk to about it
Matt
Thanks guys.
I am stupid for still wanting her?
She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.
I aksed and she says the other man hasn't told his wife, even though he allegedly wants to be with mine - sounds lik he's hedging his bets?
She is phoning relat this afternoon to arrange an appointment, regardless of what the outcome may be.
Stupid? No - but it seems pretty clear from your last post that the relationship is over.
this 'guy' is never going to tell his wife.. never. the mrs has been led up the garden path by him. ( i know ive been on both sides in these stories)
if she cant imagine a relationship with you PLEASE walk away now anything else is stalling the inevitable whilst she lines her new nest and you with the best intentions hang about on her whim.
you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess.. that ll definately get things moving!
[quote=totalshell ]you could do what a lady i know did and go round and see this fellow at his home with his wife and ask him when he's going to sort out the mess..
Something about that just appeals.....
You're not being stupid, you're being human. This part
She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.
makes it sound like she wants you to help bring up your family whist she has a relationship with someone else. Basically she wants to have her cake and eat it too.
I agree with Druidh, the relationship is over. What you want to do from here on in is up to you but it sounds very much like it will be a case of managing the split rather than mending the relationship.
topangarider - no, you're not stupid so please don't think that. You are wanting to make your relationship work.
I don't understand why she is phoning Relate in view of your statement above. That sounds pretty final to me unless of course she suspects it all may blow up in her face.
Sorry but don't know what else to say.
Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side
[quote=mattzzzzzz ]Ring his missus thats what I did
Ono the one hand, it seems a bit nasty. On the other, it might prevent him from helping to screw up someone else's relationship in the future.
She's prepared to lie and cheat on not only you, but the stable environment that exists for your children, even after being caught on the basis of not much.
Kick her out.
She says the loves the thought of us all together as a family, but not as a couple. She says she can't imagine wanting to kiss me and be intimate with me again.
I think relate could be like a plaster for a sucking chest wound. Time for legal advice and dating websites. Sorry mate.
FWIW, as as you/STWers probably realise, this is just a collection of well-meaning, but totally sujective opinions based on individual life experiences, viewpoints, insecurities, mental health and shoe size ...and formed from a few hundred words at best to summarise a 14 year relationship.
To get to my point, you are the only person that can form your opinion on the information you have to you; how you react is a kind of Darwinism I guess..
Personally, I'm a beleiver in 'gut feelings', whatever they may be (and whether we chose to take notice of them!)
All the best for everyone.
*deleted*
I'm finding it difficult to disagree with Kryton57. For all those suggesting he MTFU and "kick the bitch out" just remember that we have only heard one side of the story. Told from another perspective, a situation can appear totally different.
As there are children involved I would definitely suggest relate. I've known people who've split and gone on to better relationships all round. I also know others who wished they had stopped and took stock before going separate ways.
#edit:
Ring his missus thats what I did and although I caused her pain it forced the issue on his side instead of him playing with your life like a game with no repercussions on his side
Difficult to disagree with this either.
