Ernie, then explain
Jamie - 2nd para, 4th sentence. There's your clue.
She hasn't said that having an affair is acceptable or that what the woman concerned has done is fine.
Really? What is she saying then? Because all I can see is her making lots of excuses for the wife and showing no empathy whatsoever towards the husband.
Well done Jamie for using this thread to have a pop at me 🙄
Argue among yourselves, if that's what you want to do on this thread.
She accepts she has done wrong getting so close and then kissing him. She knows I haven't forced her to do that.
I can't stand what she's done, especially the lies. But I can't forget the 15 years we had that were good. She seems to think less of them.
It's the lying at the end of the day that's the issue though isn't it?
Not only has this been carrying on for 8 months but she's lied to you about it on a number of occasions directly and EVERY DAY for 8 months.
The status quo is awesome for her, she's got a house, husband, kids and her boyfriend. If that means that she's got to give you a bit of hope (saying how things have been better since you started CBT etc) then that's what she'll do.
Earning trust back is something that's harder for the person that has to give it 'cos there ain't nothing in the world that will prove it beyond (at the least, nagging) doubt.
Well done Jamie for using this thread to have a pop at me
Yes. That is exactly what I was doing.
Scaled, massive +1
Yes. That is exactly what I was doing.
I honestly am not saying that! I feel that the lady in question is totally mixed up and needs help.
Never said it was the man's fault but if you would prefer that wimmin didn't join in these sorts of threads, then say the word. 🙄
Actually my missus has partly being telling me what to write. So there's at least one girl here who disagrees.
Perhaps she is mixed up but if it's a personality disorder, well good luck with making her realize that. In the mean time the OP is becoming increasingly mixed up by her behaviour, mental health issues can be contagious.
And well done for editing your post Jamie.
Never said it was the man's fault but if you would prefer that wimmin didn't join in these sorts of threads, then say the word.
s'all about the communication init.
I guess yes, the emotional affair has been going on for 8 months or so, but the kissing only 2-3months.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.
Are we beyond hope?
Are we beyond hope?
Of course not.
Never said it was the man's fault
Um.... you pretty much did.
I can see it's good to understand why some of these things might have happened, and it's not useful to consider everything to be one person's fault, but just throwing your hands up and going 'aw shucks, hormones eh - what can you do?' doesn't seem very helpful either.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.Are we beyond hope?
Nah - go and see Relate and see what happens. You could contact them - got to be worth a try.
****ed if we know topangarider, do you have many friends who are girls? Reasonably educated good male friends that won't just get you smashed and take you to a brothel? Are your mother and father still about? Elders have a lot of life experience that can be invaluable. These are the people you should be talking to for some serious advice.
Yes, been speaking to my best mate who has known us both forever, and my parents. My mum is not speaking highly of the wife anymore!
She didn't speak to her mum when it came to light originally - don't think she could face her. Just hope she has spoken to her tonight.
Apologies to the OP for omitting empathy, an oversight.
You've done well in facing up to your anger issues and taking a positive step.
At the end of the day, you both need to talk to each other to work out whether you have a future together.
Relate would be a good idea but you can only help people who actually want it. It's worth a shot though, one of you needs to fight for what you had. But don't let it bring you down.
She did suggest Relate a couple of weeks ago (she said she would contact), but nothing came of that.
I've got to throw it out there.... [url= http://www.mcafee.cc/Bin/sb.html ]Classic sociopath?[/url] 😀
I'm off to bed now i've lit the blue touchpaper, really though... Go to bed, in an ideal world you'd bang a xanax and wake up in 9-10 hours, phone in sick and **** off and ride your bike. In the real world you're going to wake up at 0700 when the kids do and have to do all the morning stuff as per usual and that'll be rubbish if you're on the internet until 1-2am with any more bevvies inside you.
And well done for editing your post Jamie.
It didn't change the gist, I merely attempted to sugarcoat it slightly in order to bypass your apparent persecution complex. Anyway, I reverted it to it's original state.
Don't worry about answering the question, though. Threads moved on now.
What the lady in question needs is a suitcase & directions to the door. She's cheated on her husband & her kids. Adios.
Tick, tock. Tick, tock.
But wait, whats that you say...Car Park Ken, the snogging romeo has gone & chickened out. He's gone back to his Wife who knows nothing about all this having gone on, & if she does find out old Car Park Ken will just feed her some sob story about how this woman at work has been flirting with him.
OP, draw a line in the sand mate, save some decency & the grief of finding out all the other sordid details of what has gone on. Make plans now for a new life without her. Leave her to revel in the sordid little web of lies she's gone & spun.
Focus on you & the kids & move on.
Guys - have you any idea how a woman feels after giving birth?
Not even remotely.
But that doesn't give her carte blanche to act like an uncaring douche and to line up a replacement, any more than sinking a gallon and a half of Stella justifies the OP giving her a good hiding.
Sorry.
so,
my wife of 7.5 years (together for 10) left just after Christmas.
I've found out more and more about what she was up to as time has moved on.
What began as "I just need some space" turned in to me finding out she had been having an affair, and lying about it, even when directly confronted with the question. She led me on, and let me believe there was a chance of saving the marriage, and I tried.. I made a promise "for better or for worse"
She had no interest in saving what we had.. she just didn't want to let go of the lifestyle I offered... until something else better came along.
My point is she lied to me for 18 months, she led me on. I got into her phone messages and found stuff I wasn't happy with, but let it go.
She assured me nothing was going on but she was lying. She thought the grass was greener and judging by the situation she is in now it isn't, but we haven't spoken since May...
She said she had fallen out of love with me, because she had fallen for someone else, someone who offered a false lifestyle, promises that couldn't be kept, offers that came to nothing.
She's not with Him now.. shes with someone else, shes fickle, shes with someone else offering a false lifestyle.. her choice
Her friends tell me her stock phrase is "use and abuse" now.. people are there to be used for all she can get.
My Point..
You have looked in her phone, you don't trust her, she has admitted to you whats been going on. I'm not sure you can ever trust her again. I found the messages on my wife's phone nearly a year before we split, and if I'm honest I never believed or trusted her explanation but battled on to no avail.
If you TRULY love her and want to sort stuff out then there is a huge amount of work to do.
I'm sad to say though you situation has similarities to mine. Walking away was the hardest thing in the world but now seems like the best thing ever.
I've gained a massive ammount of self respect back (something she had stripped away) and I've met the most wonderful, brilliant person ever..
Sometimes you have to loose a battle to win a war..
All the best, It'll be hard but you will get there....
Cheers guys. Just watched the ToB from last night. Off to bed now. Just hope the kids sleep so I don't have to try to explain. Not yet anyway.
What jimmy01 said x 1000. Got the t-shirt as well, sorry but you need to preserve yourself and your kids.
All of jimmy01's advice, and give the snakey car park bloke a slap!
My Wife and I split up in May,ending what in both of our minds was a completely broken relationship. Once the dust had settled, we;as you stated yourself;
But I can't forget the 15 years we had that were good. She seems to think less of them.
And went to Relationship Scotland,(like relate only deep-fried instead of grilled) I was sceptical over it,but it works,and is working.Now I/we had different circumstances to you,but other than £40 a session(the price of a tyre)what do you have to lose?
Sounds just like my best mate, his wife was adamant she didn't love him after the child came along, now even 5 yrs later she'd still do anything to get back together. It was a manifestation of post natal depression, the hormonal changes that cause PND in this case caused this.
Their marriage split, wish the OP best of luck.
Someone cheats on you get rid. If you let them get away with it once they WILL do it again.
Women can look and feel great after childbirth, well at least one can. And women can be very sexy with their clothes on if they feel like it, well several can. So it's all in their heads and whatever is going in in there it's perhaps best to go along with so long as it doesn't involve running off with other men. Ooops.
Bearing in mind free advice is worth what you pay for it:
Stop going to work, stay at home and enjoy being a dad. This will put you in an excellent position if it ever comes to divorce (principal carer and financially destitute)and might just make your lady stop and think about what you mean to her. So go on, pick up the phone as soon as there is anyone at work and read this:
"Hi, it's ******** I'm afraid I won't be coming in to work today or for any time in the foreseeable future. I've got family problems and I've decided child raising is my priority untill they are resolved".
8) 💡
I'm sorry but IMO relationships are ALL ABOUT TRUST, yes there's the family, the sex etc.. but when push comes to shove trust is the concrete to any partnership.
And I'm sorry from where I'm standing thats gone, in which case this is already finished.
Move on get a decent solicitor and start a fresh she's an adult she's made an adult decisions rightly or wrongly the trust is gone there is no future in this relationship if it's not this guy it will be the next down the road may as well call it a day now.
Sorry mate but I'd have her out or be gone myself with the kids.
OP, how do you know she's telling the truth about it 'just being 8 months' and 'it was just a kiss'. You don't, and I think you are completely right not to trust her. Men can emotionally separate sex from love quite easily - most women can't.
My ex wife of 10 years had an affair whilst on holiday with her mates. I became suspicious because she seemed strangely distant when she returned, and started getting text messages late at night. So I checked her phone (something I'd never done before) to find out things I'd wish I'd not seem. Honestly it's the worst feeling in the world and even as a GNAAARRRRR type of guy, I'm not ashamed to admit that my best mate saw me it tears that evening.
Good luck whatever you decide, but it sounds to me that she's completely unstable and also not prepared to try to fix things. Honest communication is the key - from both sides because without that then you're heading nowhere fast. Only to can decide what to do, but I think if I was in your situation then knowing what I know from my previous relationship, I'd be out the door and making plans fast. It was hard for me to leave my ex wife (I believed that marriage was for life and I still loved her, although it became apparent that she hadn't signed up to the same contract) and it's going to be harder for you if there's kids involved too.
Needless to say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm happily settled with a girl who's far better than my ex-wife ever was. My ex wife is now single and I've heard through a mutual friend that since I've made a big success of my life without her she actually wants me back now. No chance 🙂 Good luck.
Ignore the doom meisters, you've a young family & a lot of emotions to work through so it ain't gonna be easy but you seem to think its worth a fight, so do exactly that & seek some professional relationship advice. Hope it works out okay for you.
i have to agree with the above 8 months....just kisses...mmmmmm i suspect not but easier to tell a partner kisses rather than the dirty deed. trust has been broken as have vowes it never will be normal again living a life with the spectre of this popping up in your head at every turn will ruin it for both of you.
I'm sorry you're going through this OP, one of the most truly disgusting things (I think) that someone can do is have an affair. It's disrespectful, hurtful and unforgivable. The problem with going to somewhere like relate is that it won't sort out the underlying issue here and that is that your wife deals with issues in a cowardly way. She now knows she is capable of an affair, how it makes her feel and most importantly how you deal with it when you find out. Yes you had problems at home and she may have been feeling under pressure to have sex when she wasn't feeling her sexy best but she shouldn't honestly think that jumping on someone else is going to solve it.
At the end of the day the woman had a baby, billions of women manage to have babies and keep there knickers on except for taking them off for their husband. Your wife is a grown woman, capable of knowing the consequences her actions have, yet she still continued to see this guy. That must tell you a lot. This is now going to turn into some horrible cycle for you if you stay with her, in two years time you'll find she's had another affair, there will always be someone in the background and she'll always be on the look out. eventually she'll find someone that will take her on and she'll leave you and you'll have to go through all this again. This is your opportunity to get rid now and move on, she's proved that your 15 years have meant nothing whatsoever and never will. Get out now and start to rebuild your life, find someone who respects you enough not to mess around.
I've got no advice to add beyond hoping that in 5 years time both the OP, his wife and most importantly their children all agree that the right decisions were made in September/October 2012.
Ok, one piece of advice - your primary responsibility is to your children. Do whatever you have to to give them an environment they can grow up feeling happy and nurtured.
Without knowing if she's suffering from PND or similar it will be difficult to make a reasoned decision. (Failure to seek a diagnosis would help you but may not be good for her in the future). Have a timescale for finding out if its mental health needing treatment then off you go.
Make the best choice you can for your children.
When theres kids involved, its gotta be worth trying to fix, id definately go down the counselling/relate route
You have to balance your own self-respect with the points like those made by CG
Ignore the doom meisters, you've a young family & a lot of emotions to work through so it ain't gonna be easy but you seem to think its worth a fight, so do exactly that & seek some professional relationship advice.
Yes but the trouble is, the OP's missus doesn't seem to think that does she, and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.
If the OP tries to work things through (again) then it's kind of like saying to his wife "you've had an affair, but that's okay because whatever you do I'll stay with you and try to work things through anyway". This will just lead to a downward cycle where the OP looses all self respect and his wife feels like she can do as she pleases knowing that the OP is too weak to stand up to her. The likely scenario here, once the OP has reached rock bottom is that she will eventually leave the OP just as soon as a better (in her eyes) option comes along.
Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won't mean anything emotionally - it can just be sex, that's it. Most women can't do this and with your wife it's the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.
Stand up for yourself, love and be there for your kids and you will retain all of your self respect. Easier said than done but it's worked well for me. Good luck.
Honestly OP, get shot of her and get shot now. You need to realise that there is often a big difference between when a husband has an affair and when a wife has an affair. A man can happily have meaningless sex with another woman and it won't mean anything emotionally - it can just be sex, that's it. Most women can't do this and with your wife it's the emotional aspect that you should be most worried about.
Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?
Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?
Whether this is the case or not it doesn't really matter - it's trust that's important in a relationship and frankly there just does not appear to be any. I'm sure the OP can make his own decisions but I'm just trying to help by passing on my experience, and that of several mates who have been in similar situations and some whom I've seen make the wrong decisions to stay with their wives/girlfriends, which they now regret big time.
If anyone has any cases where a relationship has recovered from this sort of thing then I'm sure the OP would like to hear about these too - it's just in my experience I'm not familiar with any personally.
and it takes effort on both sides to make a good relationship.
this is all I am suggesting rather than crash & burn, it has to be worth a good attempt to resolve rather than ditching at the first sign of trouble, even with the best working relationship between ex's life with parents split will be hard on the kids & the OP has a young family to consider.
Whether this is the case or not it doesn't really matter
I think it does. And if you don't, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.
Where's your proof that she's had sex with the guy NorthernStar ? You appear to be relying on your own personal hunch. You might be right but don't you think that it requires something more than a hunch before you advise someone to end their marriage ?
Sex or not, the OP is stating that she has feelings of "love" for this other guy. Assuming she's adult enough to be able to distinguish "love" and "lust", then I'm afraid that looks like a very telling answer.
And staying together "for the children" is an oxymoron. The short-term disruption of a semi-amicable split will be better than an entire childhood of charged atmospheres and mistrust.
I think it does. And if you don't, why do you make the point that meaningless sex is fine for men but not for women ? Which is very handy btw. Well for men that want to have affairs of course, not so handy for women though.
How's about this: it's not OK for either sex to have an affair 💡
I haven't yet read all the replies.
OP, you have my sympathies. I sincerely hope you work all this out.
