MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
So my lovely dad passed away on xmas day after a 2 year battle with alzheimer's disease. His funeral is this friday, my mum, brother and sister went to see him after he had passed away at his care home and said he looked peaceful.
He is now at the funeral directors, I'm unsure whether to see him, he was very skinny when he died. Will he be in a sheet or in a freezer?? If I go and see him it might upset me and if I don't it might upset me. 😕
No. I saw my Grandad and its did me no good whatsoever. You are much much better off with your memories.
Go, I would say it's better to be upset by seeing him than by not (if you see what I mean). It won't be as bad as you think, the funeral directors are very good at making people look at peace.
Sorry for your loss, all the best (if there was a hug smiley, I'd use it)
Sorry for your loss...I lost my father 18 months ago, and having seen his body at the hospital the following morning it haunts me a little. I prefer to remember him how he was alive-a much nicer memory.
Baz
Regret what you do, not what you don't.
I wouldn't. I was there when my dad died and nursed him all the week before, so had seen him recently anyway. The memories of him being sick do eventually fade.
Some of my relatives who hadn't seen him for a while wanted to view the body. Bit weird if you ask me, but some say it helps to make it real for people and aids acceptance of death. It was all very real for me already.
Very personal decision, but I have never once wished I went to see the body. I think you would know if you wanted to, sounds to me like you don't.
sorry to hear about your father passing away 🙁 i did go and see my grandfather laid out at the funeral director's after he died of a stroke (he'd had a few of them before).he did look peaceful compared to when he was suffering. i did take some comfort in that (but not much 🙁
It is a personal thing, for me I had both my parents pass away within 2 years, I went to see my Mum and regretted it big time, with my Dad I was asked if I wanted to go and see him and I didn't, the memory of my mum not looking right haunted me a lot!
I was much happier having the memories of him alive thanks.
Sorry to hear about your sad loss you have my sincerest sympathies.
Would agree with the others I was with my Dad when he passed away and have never regretted not going to see him at the funeral directors.
I went to see one of my wife's grandparents after she had died and her hand felt like a piece of cold chicken. It is the worst way to remember someone you once loved. It's not them.
P.S and if I am being too subtle (doesn't happen often) that is not your dad, it is his dead body.
I saw my grandad after he died and I must say it was a problem for me. He looked so ill, weak and old - completely unlike how he was in life. I wish I hadn't seen him and just left my goodbye's to the funeral. I did appreciate the ability to give him a last hug, but just an hour after he died and he was stone cold to touch and it felt wrong somehow. But at the end of the day I think if it were my own parents I'd almost feel an obligation to MTFU and see them one last time. Not sure why.
My father looked strange after he died. He'd suffered from cancer, and had lost a huge amount of weight.
On the positive side, he did look at peace, which he hadn't for quite a long time previously. On balance, I was glad I saw his body.
Again, sorry for your loss
and having seen his body at the hospital the following morning it haunts me a little
I too lost my Dad last year & it hauts me a little too, I got to see him 10 min after he passed away, kicking myself I did not get to see him earlier.
As woody2000 mentions, It won't be as bad as you think.
Its up to you at the end of the day, everyone deals with it differently I find.
Its a very personal decision and there is no right answer. for me it would be yes unless I had my chance to say my goodbyes at the time.
The funeral directors will be very used to dealing with this situation and they should have a chapel of rest where the body can be laid out in a dignified manner and look at peace.
For some its the final piece they need to be at rest - to see their loved one peaceful and painfree. For others they prefer the memory of the person alive.
If yoo saw him at the time then perhpas not. If you didn't see him at the time then perhpas do so. It might be a part of the grieving process that is useful for you. if you do go do not go alone - even if someone waits outside for you.
As I said - there is no right answer to this and everyone will react differently. Do what is right for you. Don't be afraid of going however. A lot of peace of mind can come from this
I'm glad I got the opportunity to kiss my mum goodbye, though it was a few minutes after she died.
If it had been a few days I'm not sure it would have been helpful to me.
Go and see. Dead people look serene. I've found it's a great help in the grieving process. Take a friend to drive you home after if need be.
He will be in his coffin (if you're having one) and dressed in clothes your mum will have provided if that's what was wanted. He'll also have been made-up slightly to put some colour in his cheeks.
Sorry for your loss.
Firstly, sorry for your loss.
I saw my mum last when she was very sick, a few hours before she died.
I have never wished I'd seen her afterwards.
It's very much a personal thing people can only offer advice, the you'll only regret it advice isn't exactly true, When my Father in Law passed away and they needed someone to identify him my wife, her mother and sister couldn't do it. So I said I'd go along being some what use to such things although that didn't really make it any easier. The sister in law changed her mind and came with me, the funeral home then offered the same for the close family to visit to see him. My wife and her mother never went and don't regret it one little bit. It's personal choice if you want to remember him for seeing him alive then when you last seen him then go with that, if you feel comfortable seeing him at rest then go along but it may or may not help.
I'm sorry for you loss.
Feel no obligation from family members to see or not to see your Father, this decision is purely yours alone.
Is this what your Father would have liked? (I mean to see him that way). Was he of the mind that memories are how he should be thought of or do you think he’d have liked you to pop on over and see him and say goodbye in that way?
Terribly difficult.
I lost my Nephew just before Xmas and I couldn’t bring myself to see him laid out, he would have far preferred we all thought of him alive and bouncing full of energy and vitality, and that’s exactly how we saw him, though my Sister did see him in the Chapel Of Rest, she said she needed to say goodbye.
Terribly difficult.
Genuinely sorry for your loss.
P.S and if I am being too subtle (doesn't happen often) that is not your dad, it is his dead body.
This.
When my gran died, I took the view that what was in the coffin wasn't my gran, merely the empty shell that used to contain her. I paid my 'last respects' from a discreet distance.
20 years-ish on, I don't regret that decision. If I didn't know by then what she looked like by then it was a bit late to be finding out. Better to have the memories of her that I have rather than have my last memory to be what's left of her lying dead in a box, regardless of how 'serene' she may be looking at the time.
That said, ultimately it's a personal decision. Don't let anyone tell you what you 'should' do, do what you think is right for you.
My dad passed away 3 years ago today.
I saw him in the hospital the morning he died and again at the funeral directors. Mum died in June and the same thing - saw her straight after (when she looked beautifully peaceful) and again at the directors.
I am glad I did it because I wanted to be able to say goodbye, but they weren't my mum or dad, no matter how much I wanted them to be.
For me, the one thing I hated was the smell of the embalming fluids used - there is a particular hand wash that smells (to me anyway) exactly the same and I can't bear it in the slightest anymore.
But I would still do it again - as said above, it is only possible to really regret not doing it.
And sorry for your loss. 🙁
Your call entirely. Personally i chose not to see the corpse of my Father. It's not something that I've every thought about until this thread and not a decision I regret in any way.
I went with my mum to see her husband after he had died, freaked us both out, me much more than I was expecting. Not nice. In some ways your decision is much harder, but what ever you do it will be the right thing for you.
Tails, sorry to hear your dad passed away... Like others I cant say what you should do... what we did when my dad died worked for us.
I was with my mum for the time he was in the hospice and saw him just after he died. He looked pretty peaceful and the hospice staff were brilliant. The funeral directors helped too, they took clothes we wanted him to be dressed in along with other bits and pieces like a photo of his dog, a lead and a squeeky toy.
We went to see him at the funeral directors and were glad we did. We didnt find it creepy, just the right thing for us to do. We have all our memories of the good times and I was pleased to be able to support my mum in her wishes as well...
HTH
Rick
Again, sorry for your loss. IME close family tend to visit the Chapel of Rest if they weren't at the death and want an opportunity to have a few moments in private prior to the funeral, which can feel much more public. It is just an opportunity to say goodbye in private, and like others have said you are very aware you are speaking over a body but it is as symbolic as visiting a gravestone to have a private moment of remembrance. With the nature of your father's illness, you may feel that you have been grieving his loss for the last 2 years. In which case, it may not be helpful.
sorry to hear about your loss.
we had a traditional wake for my dad, where the body came back to our house. It wasn't creepy or upsetting, he looked asleep if anything.
wishing you all the best at this time.
Nope from me.
When in the same position I choose not to, but have a slight regret I didn't because I had not seen him for a couple of weeks (he was in a coma). When my mother died suddenly (car crash, but not nasty one in terms of physical damage), I did see her and it does not haunt me or influence my memory of her.
There is no right or wrong decision, just remember that.
When my grandad died I had the chance, but chose not to. He was big full of lifeguy and alzheimer's took that away long before he died. I'm happy to have the memories i have of him, and don't think seing him on a slab ould have helped.
I don#'t regret it, so, in my opinion, it's no, nbut i can only speak for me, it really is your choice.
Sorry for your loss mate.
There is no correct thing to do or traditions you should follow. Its a personal decision that you alone should make and to be honest I wouldn't listen to others direct advice as every situation is different.
When did you last see your Father? If that memory is a pleasant one then you may wish to treasure that memory.
If on the other hand your final memory isn't a particularly nice one then seeing your Father at peace may help you.
I will tell you the same thing I tell every family I deal with.
Do not think about it or try to make a decision. You have until a few hours before the funeral to see him so stop thinking about it.
If you wake up one morning over the next few days and feel the need to see him then go with that feeling. If you don't get the urge then don't go, but do not feel guilty about not going.
Speak to your funeral director. He is a professional and the person who will be able to offer you the advice and support you need. They will only want whats best for you.
Also remember that if you are aprehensive about seeing him then you can ask to spend time in the chapel of rest with the coffin sealed. That way you can have the private time to say your goodbyes before the funeral without the concern about a negative lasting impression.
Goodluck for Friday and my best wishes are with you and your family.
I wouldnt. I saw my dad when he died and it took me a long time before I could access more memories about him than just the one of him lying their dead.
Sorry for your loss.
Lost my dad a couple of christmas eves ago had been there we he died and didn't feel the need to see him after that. Do you want to do, neither call will be wrong.
My dad was ill in a care home, got a call to visit his dr the next day, saw the dr who said your dad isnt well,(cancer) which i knew, so walked across to the home, which was opposite the surgery, he was like in a sleep, looked frailer than the day before, tried talking to him and he tried answering, mumbling etc, stayed for a while and said i will call back tomorrow.
Next morning got a call from the care home to say he had just died, while i was on the way there.
Got there, and he was lying on his bed, looked the same as the day before, got hold of his hand, and said hello, i couldnt believe he was dead.
Cried and the nurses walked in, said goodbye, walked out and hugged the care staff, cried again.
Day of his funeral, coffin back to my brothers house, he lay in the coffin in the front room, while we cried, chatted,passed coment on the woodwork of the coffin etc,etc(im a woodworker) and our family where undertakers.
If you cant face your dad face to face, just chat to the coffin and say goodbye, it does help.or it did for me.
Best wishes for the future and sorry for your bereavemnet
This.It's not them.
I've only seen one dead relative, my Mother-in-law. I saw her about an hour before she died (cancer) and after she'd been laid to rest. The body really didn't look to me like the woman I knew either in health or in her illness. The woman I knew was gone.
That's just my experience though.
Sorry about your dad. My dad died 15 years ago and I went to see his body to accompany my mum as brother and sister did not want to go. It didn't look like him in my mind and I found it very unpleasant and upsetting. He looked like a wax model of his former self.
However in a strange way I'm glad I did as it was a chance to say goodbye to his body.
We all go to the grave/headstone of deceased loved ones don't we? I don't actually think it is a great deal different (as long as you can cope with seeing the body which is slightly odd) - it is just showing respect at the loss of a loved one.
Yesterday I went down to the headstone where my dad's ashes are buried with some flowers and to tidy it up a bit. Absolutely no reason to do so other than it is a space I have to show my continued respect for him.
Sorry about your Dad.
Remember him as he was, don't go if you don't have to.
Entirely upto you, however from my experience I wouldn't do it again, as the body is just a shell and I found it a little disturbing seeing the body when the person (soul/spirit/whatever) had gone, as they don't look like the person you remember anymore.
Best sticking with the memory of when they were alive, rather than the image of the body IMHO.
went to see our baby son every day in the funeral parlour the staff could nt have been better.. nor could the firm tbh. ( they did little Joe for free)
we wanted to see our only son as much as possible and it was the right thing to do HOWEVER i would nt consider seeing my parents or siblings.. i will want to remember them alive and thats how they ll always be..
I had the option to see my Dad at the Chapel of Rest after he died, I declined and do not regret it at all.
Do what you feel is right, be strong.
I think what ever you decide you will always ask yourself what if you had done the opposite. I saw my grandfather after he passed away and was with my grandmother. Unfortunately those are the last memories I have of them where as it should have been other times. I decuided with my Nana that I wouldn't go and see her and I would say my farewells at the ceremony. I feel happier with that but it's a very personal thing.
Thanks for your advice people, I shall have a think about it as I have a feeling both decisions are wrong and right! I feel as if I have grieved for him 3 times, one when he got it, once when I knew he was dying and once when he died. I don't really want to see him not breathing and lifeless but I would like to see him with his arms and legs stretched out as dementia left him in a fetus position for much of his illness. One of the worst thoughts is thinking some other poor sod is now laying in that care home with their family visiting, hoping it will get better.
Very sorry for your loss.
I got to see my mum only a few minutes after she had died (I had been with her earlier in the day thankfully) but after that I didn't want to see her in the chapel of rest.
It is a very personal decision to make whether or not to see your dad and it is impossible for me to say what would be the right thing to do. I didn't want to see my mum as it simply wasn't her anymore and I don't regret it at all. I know she would have understood.
Sorry to hear about your dad.
There's no need to go and see him. He'll be with you whenever you want to talk to him, always. It will upset you if you do, but you already know that. Only you can decide.
Bon Courage.
SB
there is no right answer, do what feels comfortable & right & dont worry about it at a later date.
I have done both in the past & what you learn is, it doesnt change your memory of the good times & of the person.
Whether or not you do go to see your dad I would recommend getting together as many photos of him as possible. My dad and I did that after my mum passed away and it was a great comfort to be able to see her in happier times.
Tails,
Sorry for your loss.
It is a difficult decision to have to make but go with what feels right for you.
I really struggled to make the decision but went to see my dad, he had suffered for a long time and the last I saw of him alive was hooked up to numerous drips and other medical stuff in the hospital.
At the funeral home the funeral people had made a really good job of making him look well, just like he was asleep and he looked as peaceful as I had seen him in a couple of years so it was a good thing for me on the whole, although I knew that everything that was him had left the building.
Keep smiling.
Mark
If I go and see him it might upset me and if I don't it might upset me
dude, your fathers died, its ok to be upset, cry, grieve...
follow your gut instinct and don't judge yourself either way now or in the future
So my lovely dad passed away on xmas day after a 2 year battle with alzheimer's disease. His funeral is this friday, my mum, brother and sister went to see him after he had passed away at his care home and said he looked peaceful.He is now at the funeral directors, I'm unsure whether to see him, he was very skinny when he died. Will he be in a sheet or in a freezer?? If I go and see him it might upset me and if I don't it might upset me.
My dad passed away last year. My mum and sister went to see him at the funeral directors and they said they wished they hadn't. I didn't go to see him and haven't regretted it TBH.
Do what you feels right.
I had the option of being with my Dad when he died (he was "unplugged"). But I had no desire/apetitie to see him dying / dead. So simply left the hospital after having said goodbye. I sometimes wonder, but I know it was the right decision for me.
Unfortunately the only person that can make the decision (and know whether it was the right one or not) is you.
All the best at this difficult time.
Had to go to a removal service in Kerry a few years ago for an Uncle I was close to. At this neighbours and freinds come to the house or funeral home to pay their repects, commiserate with you for your loss, etc before the coffin goes to the church for funeral next day. That was nice for us, my father - his brother was back for the first time in years and it was a good going away. I was not keen on the open casket and did not realy go to near the coffin that night and don't regret it. I had seen him six weeks before, that was the real goodbye.
As others have mentioned, its a personal thing. If you want to go then do that if you dont no one will think any less of you.
My Dad died young he was 49 I was 13 at the time. I went to see him before the funeral service. An eccentric Aunty came along with me which I will always be grateful for. That was 22 years ago she gave him a kiss and said how sad she was that he had passed away, she wasn't teery or emotional just real and made it seem alot less stressful for me.
It all depends on the circumstances I suppose. If your Dad was very unwell in the lead up to his death then I can see why you might be apprehensive about seeing him, in my case it was sudden (heart attack) so it gave me some closure, he left in the morning as usual but never came back.
Sorry about your Dad mate.
both my parents were very ill when they passed, i wanted to remember them in life and not in death so i chose not to. for me i made the right choice.
If you think that maybe you should then do it. It'll be fine. I went to see my brother who had died falling some stairs in Azerbyjan and had spent two weeks being autopsied and flown back to NZ. He wasnt looking his best but I'm glad I did it.
Very sorry for your loss.
I went to see my mother after she passed a number of times, firstly immediately at the hospital and then every day at the funeral home before her funeral and burial.
I didn't upset me as far as I can remember it just gave me a sort of empty but peaceful and relaxed feeling and a little more time to say my final goodbyes.
I am glad I went, it comforted me, and I think it helped my dad through those first few dark days.
But when it comes to my own father will I do the same, then I honestly do not know.
Take care.
I saw my Dad's body whilst he was braindead in the hospital, then later shortly after he died, and then again in the funeral home. He wasn't there anymore, the essence of him seemed to be missing. I think it helped as he was still young (50) and full of energy before he went in for his third heart operation. I don't associate the dead body with him at all, that was just the proof that he was gone. All the great memories live on. Very sorry to hear of your loss.
What I was trying to say is I don't feel you'd be going to see your Dad, you'd be going to see your Dad's body. So whether you go or not then you've already seen him for the last time.
What I was trying to say is I don't feel you'd be going to see your Dad, you'd be going to see your Dad's body. So whether you go or not then you've already seen him for the last time.
Good advice that.
Personally I would rather remember him alive and didn't want the image of him dead in my mind, hence why I gave it a miss.
When my dad died, I saw him about half an hour afterwards (f*cking trains) and he looked like he was dead but still himself.
Having seen him then I did not go to the funeral directors and nor did my mum.
I got the closure but did not wish to see him all dressed up as if he was alive but not alive (hope that makes some sort of sense).
I am forever in the debt of one of my closest friends for telling me to see him as soon as I could then not again.
Its an awful thing to happen but I can atleast remember him as he was not as he was dead.
skywalker - MemberWhat I was trying to say is I don't feel you'd be going to see your Dad, you'd be going to see your Dad's body. So whether you go or not then you've already seen him for the last time.
Good advice that.
Personally I would rather remember him alive and didn't want the image of him dead in my mind, hence why I gave it a miss.
+1 Totally agree with that, even if I did turn the music on his radio up so he could hear even though I knew he was gone. 🙁
Best regards Tails.
Hope you're ok.
I wouldn't
Remember him how he was
No, from me also
Went to see my Gran on her death bed, she was a living corpse, as near as dam it. Wish I hadn't gone as that one short visit is the overriding thing I see in my minds eye every time I think of her. Better to be left with clear memories of the good times IMO, when he was a Dad (not flesh and bones, if you know what I mean). Doing what you are considering might just play havoc with you and your good memories.
Definitely go; it won't be as bad as you fear and if you don't, you'll regret not saying goodbye for the rest of your life. I mean this, seriously.
Sorry for your loss tails.
You know the answer to this yourself. Death is a funny old thing. We all deal with it differently and have the arrogance to think someone else should do what we did.
You know whether you need to go and see him or not. You know.
Make the decision and do it.
All he best.
I was holding my Mums hand when she died from Cancer back in 1990. She had looked shrunken and frail for a couple of weeks by then. I went to see her a couple of days later in her coffin and it was very upsetting.
Even now, 21 years later, I struggle to get the picture of her in the coffin out of my head when I try and think about her. My sister had a completely different experience; she sat and chatted to her for a few minutes - I was traumatised.
We're all different and there is no right or wrong answer.
Sorry to hear about your Dad.
Whatever you choose to do, I'm afraid that your father's funeral is another hurdle you'll have to get over. For me my Mum's funeral was almost as traumatic as the first ice cold shock of hearing the news of her death. As the funeral began the church bell tolled the hour and it really did sound like the clanging chimes off doom. The last time that I saw Mum she was alive so it does come as a shock when they bring in the coffin and you realise that Mum is inside it. I felt so disconnected, numb with it all. It was hard for me to sing those half-remembered hymns from way back in the misty past of wooden-floored school assemblies as I was too busy crying, and I wasn't ashamed to do so, in fact I'm watery eyed right now reliving it. I'm not religious in the conventional sense, and nor was Mum, but the vicar who was known to us did his best to have an uplifting service. Though at the end when he offered her soul to heaven I didn't think in the words of the Beatles 'All the lonely people' "No one was saved..." I just felt that she'd already long departed to wherever she was going and is still.
Some general points about grief. You can't hold it in, and it's unhealthy to do so, so don't be afraid to let it out, and you will, often and copiously. You probably realise this, but you are a different person as a result of this, accept it. They say that time is a healer, I'm not sure about that. Time does distance you from the rawness of the event but you'll find that when you think that you have somehow learned to cope, the deep wound to your soul can open and become tender once more. I've found that you don't 'come to terms' (what a ridiculous phrase that is!) with it, or 'get over it', but you do learn to live with it, to do as the chinese phrase says 'eat bitterness'.
Everyone is affected by grief differently. I'd recommend reading this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-Rage-Bereavement/dp/0140236082 as an antidote to the usual self-help volumes, get it out of your local library. Don't be afraid to talk, or seek solace wherever you feel that you will find it.
So after being stuck at balancing point I went this morning. It was okay he looked the same as when he was ill, he could have been asleep if I did not know. The nice lady offered to come in with me if I wanted, which I accepted and we chatted about her slightly odd job. Held his hand and said goodbye. I then left the funeral lady with the classic, hope not to see you soon.
Anyway I need to get read for his funeral and chatting to a load of people who will be surprised I have grown taller over 10 years!
Also my dad was a very keen gardener doing all these RHS courses and knew latin names etc. there is this plant which he never managed to bloom anyway yesterday ta-da it actually bloomed
Best of luck mate. Funerals are pretty bad, my dad's was over pretty quick as I recall, cried lots but was also pleased to see so many people there, so weird mix of emotions (boo hoo, oh, hi thanks for coming, boo hoo, lovely to see you etc etc).
And making about 5 million cups of tea over about 5 days, surprised the jug didn't explode. All keeps you busy.