[Closed] Quotes from your parents that you never forget

"Never take the Brown Acid Son..." 😉

Not mine but a mate’s dad, it still cracks me up:

Dad: "I love the taste of woman"
Mate: "Dad, That's disgusting"
Dad: "That son is because you're licking the wrong hole"

"Och no, I only drink water with Whisky in it"!

I want your Gran to be mine 🙂

I tell you one thing, if anyone offers me a Quaich again I swear I will run out crying/screaming.

"if it has got either t!ts or wheels it will be trouble and cost you a fortune"

That's the winner for me!!!

SB 🙂

Said when going out as a teenager

Be good, if you can't be good be careful, if you can't be careful don't come home!

As an only male child, my Dad told me that no girl I ever brought home would be good enough for my mother. So I stopped worrying about it.

MrsSwadey still has concerns mind....

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Join the RAF as an officer (reasoning: you will be respected)
Become an accountant (reasoning: they have all the power)
Nobody is trustworthy (reasoning: he is a grumpy bloody sod)

My dad is full of advice. Most of it bad. I love the daft old bugger anyway.

I love mintsauce. Especially the walking the gangplank/Pirate one. Sooo true.

A mate of mine made a right balls up of some d.i.y on his home.On looking at it his dad said shaking his head:
Some times son i just wished i'd had a w@nk instead.

"Now it's playing silly buggers." Said by Dad whenever something (usually mechanical) is messing him around. As someone who can strip an engine, wire a house and sail by the stars he must look on me and despair!

Be good, if you can't be good be careful, if you can't be careful don't come home!

however, put me in mind of my all time favourite....

'so, what's her name?'

as uttered by my dad on the odd Sunday morning in my early twenties 'purple patch' - he'd taken to spending most of the week at his girlfriends, coming home Sunday morning to check me and my brother had not trashed the house.... if I came down stairs as he came through the door he knew i erm... had company

"You can bring home whoever you like, just make sure she's gone by the morning" nice one Dad.

Along with, in a similar vein "you can do whatever you like, but if you get caught you will take the punishment." That one actually worked pretty well too.

From me "my arm hurts if I do this"
from Mum "don't do it then"

Another one from my Dad " ****!" quite alot.

My parents were great, say hello to them if you are at the bottom of Leith Hill as I'm sure they have now washed down from where I put them.

"Their ashes obviously"

spent a lot of time with my old fella when i was young un hanging round at rugby clubs so heard plenty but my favourite was when reffering to a particular chilly day - ' colder than a witches tit'

and not a quote but a practice - daft old bugger used to shove a wad of Vics vapour jelly up each nostril before comencing any sporting activity - 'get half a yard o' vic up each nostril, that'll wake yer up and get you going' try it.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, weep and you weep alone.

The trouble with acting like a c**t is that sooner or later everyone starts treating you like one.

Look after your character and your reputation will look after itself.

Don't join any ****in army, not even the salvation army.

I can't remember any sayings my mum or dad gave me. My Grandad had quite a few as did my father in law.

My father in law's favourite was 'only dirty people need to wash'. He didn't wash and as a result stank to high heaven.

Stay away from slow horses and fast women.

Take a look at her mother first

and

You can't beat the brewer

Some of these are brilliant - someone should document them

When hearing the phrase "he broke his leg in two places" he always says "he shouldn't have gone to those two places then"

"when in the bottom of a hole stop digging"

"if you are not in bed by midnight come home"

so needless to say I did not, next day I got home about mid day and was I ever in the crap off both the old girl and me Pa so my get out excuse was what me Pa told me

Needless to say he made a excuse to go to the garage and said on the way past "get out of this one smart arse" with a smile. To say my ma got a bit er passionate is a understatement

When my mum's side of the family were being a bit crazy, the way only family can be, my dad said:

'Think of this, son. I'm only related to them by marriage - you're related by blood'

He laughed - I didn't.

Some of my Mums classics. For some reason coat related.
'All fur coat and no knickers' (commenting on my attire before a night out)
'I bet he was all over you like cheap coat'
Sex and relationship advice...
[b]Mum[/b]'Make sure you've got a diamond on your finger before you lay your coat on the ground'
[b]Me[/b] 'Wouldnt a condom be more useful?'

Sex education from my dad was brief and to the point:

"Its the second hole from the back of the neck"

My grandfather, a wise old sage...

"Buy the best bed and the best pair of shoes you can afford, because if you're not in one, you'll be in t'other."

and

"Always ask the prettiest girl in the room to dance, because no-one else will."

Both have stood me in good stead, particularly the second one. Cheers Gramps.

On my complaining that I was shovelling sh1t (Before getting a career), working on the farm - he was no helping:
"Don't have a dog and bark yourself"

On my proclaiming that I was the most important person at work (basically):
"The Graveyard is full of indispensable people"

My Gran when I was a teenager and getting very drunk (often) and getting a lot of stick from the family:
"When I get drunk, I hold onto the side of the bed so when the room spins I don't fall out" - twas ace, someone admitting that I wasn't the only person to ever get drunk.

My Step brother on (litteraly) rough GF's:
"you don't look at the mantle peice when you're poking the fire"

Me - As a Dad...
"You're nothing more than the sum of your experiences"

"Every room has and ar$ehole in it. If you can't spot him, it's you"

better to be quiet and considered a fool
than to opens ones mouth and confirm it!

favourite dorothy parker quote who i wish was my auntie!

you can take a whore to culture, but you cant make her think!

play on words i am sure you get it.

old fella I used to work with gave some real good advice

"never piss into the wind"

ah, the parents.

My dads words of wisdom during my single years

' always remember the 4 f's son. Find em, feel em, fu*k em and forget em'.

Also to do with jobs and life.
' dont pi55 on people on the way up because you might meet them on the way back down again'

My mums just as good.
' god says we have to love our children, doesn't mean we have to like them though'

Don't remember any sayings, I don't recall them being that communicative. But they were gentle and kind. Don't think that deep down I've really come to terms with the sense of loneliness since they died some 25 years ago. Has it really been that long? [sighs, and a little tearful]

Sorry.

If your parents are still around, please ring them.

my old man is frankly a legend; so much so that when i couldn't make my mates wedding due to being in a different hemisphere ,he got invited in my place to sit with all my mates at the rowdy table to keep them amused.
His best line was while sitting outside a boozer in Carlisle with me -a very attractive but seriously up herself young thing tottered past on high heels, Dad just said "she still as to sit down to shit like the rest of us son"

From my mum, an ex accountant about a farmer not paying his bill.

Bloody farmers, you never see one on a bike do you.

Miss my old man for his witty and sometimes dodgy PC comments, one of the best was said whilst we walked to the pub on a summers evening and we saw crossing the road in front of us a rather plump lady wearing little clothing:

'bloody'ell, that would make you sweat!' 😆

'self praise is no recommendation'

Thanks a bunch - in a modern world of criteria based interviews and giving examples on how bloody wonderful you are I never feel comfortable.

From my gran who I miss like mad

"Always smile, makes the buggers wonder what you know that they don't"

"Never sh1t in your own nest"
"Don't let your balls rule your brain"

having breakfast at Parents place with gf (now wife)

Dad, looking upwards: you'll have to stop all this bumping around upstairs - you're cracking the ceiling 😳

friend to his Dad on being asked to be God Father:

"Dad, can I be a God Father, 'cos I'm not a Christian or anything?"

Dad thinks.............. "Yes, but you'll have to stop being such a ****"

never forget, your darkest hour is only 60 minutes ..

From my Grandma - Girls can only get pregnant when gorse is in bloom
Also from Grandma - If you really love each other you can have a baby in 6 months.

From an old farmhand when i had a summer job years ago. We were commenting on how skinny the farmers 2 daugters were.

'The closer to the bone, the sweeter the meat'......

Always remembered that. 🙂

As a little girl my mum used to always say 'the world is your oyster' to my brother and sister but never to me. Until a couple of months ago and she started saying it to me?!
When I cried my dad always said that I squealed like a pig stuck under a gate!

When my dad saw me getting wound up by my older sister:

Say nothing for a long time - and then say nothing.

Good advice about not taking the bait which I have largely ignored to my cost!

I forgot the classic from my mum - when I was in my early 20s:

"You and your Dad have never had a chat about the birds and the bees have you? You ought to, he might learn something"

I avoided Dad for weeks afterwards......

el_boufador, thanks for posting the 'Learning to Ride' cartoon 😀 . . . my copy is in my dear old Dad's pocket - miss you Dad!