MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
The 4 year old is really into nature programmes, wild life, sea programmes, especially dinosaurs.
He's really into catching monsters on netflix some sort of Canadian River Monsters.
So today, River Monsters was on.
"Shall we watch River Monsters mate? It's about a man who catches really big and weird fish."
"Yeah!"
Only today's episode was about a fish that bit people's bollocks off.
So many questions. He's supposed to go swimming later, I'm not sure he'll even go in the bath now.
So what you done? Have you mentally scared the little one? Left the kids at the zoo. Go on holiday for Christmas, only to leave Kevin at home fending the house against burglars.
Father Stoofus is here to hear your confession....
Go on holiday for Christmas, only to leave Kevin at home fending the house against burglars.
the thought crosses my mind most days
I was the victim rather than the parent- for our first spending a night in a tent we pitched it in the back garden and me and my brother settled down... Mum and dad checked we were OK then left us to it...
Until about 10pm, my dad sneaked out and started making terrifying growling animal noises and jumping about just outside the tent. So we shat ourselves and didn't sleep a wink for the rest of the night. Took a while to get us back in a tent...
Generally not a bad dad, my dad 😆
My 11-year-old is interested in Pompeii, so we were watching an archaeology programme about it on TV, when it became apparent that the archaeologist presenting it had quite fruity language. I was just wondering whether to turn it off and then she went in an ancient brothel and without warning translated the graffiti: "I came by here today and had a really good ****" 😮
The worst I've done was last year just after Funkmaster Jr turned two. He has issues sleeping which means mum and I are zombies. My wife went to pass him to me and I put my arms out, I inexplicably moved them just as she let go. Baby just dropped to the floor on his bum and was not impressed. I felt awful.
I also have a habit of clanging his head in to things. Monitors in hospital, ceilings when throwing him in the air, doorways when carrying him on my shoulders. You get the picture.
Email in profile should any social workers wish to get in touch 😐
Swung our then 2 year old onto my shoulders in a restaurant, forgetting the lowered ceiling 😳 cue loud clunk of head on plasterboard, screaming toddler and restaurant full of aghast patrons.
She wouldn't have a piggy back for weeks after that.
A month or two back I badly stubbed my toe in the bathroom one morning and shouted loudly 'oh for trucks sake.' I was later rung at work by the wife to say our 3 year old daughter was stomping around the house slamming doors and shouting said phrase. Oops!
Hoppy jr did his 1st roll with me whilst Mrs hoppy was out of the room. Unfortunately it was clean off the side of the bed and I just sat and watched it because, well, he can't roll.
Doesn't seem to have done him too much harm, ish.
When I was prime minister I left my daughter in the pub
Check your not standing under a road sign when you put your child on your shoulders is all I have to say.
My Godsons, aged 11 and 8, know what tea-bagging is... although tbf that's not my fault, I blame the parents! They believe it comes from some wrestling/martial arts thing however...
Took baby to cafe in a front pack. Ordered a latte and promptly spilled it down baby scalding her leg, resulting in a trip to casualty.
Walking some of the Pembrokeshire coastal path we managed to leave Jnr sleeping in the shady spot behind a wall as we drove home.
My dad’s advice to us when we had our son: "When you put him up on your shoulders hold the legs NOT the wellies. Apparently he had walked quite a long way up the hill before realising he was just resting a pair of empty wellies on his shoulders.
Ambrose - Member
Walking some of the Pembrokeshire coastal path we managed to leave Jnr sleeping in the shady spot behind a wall as we drove home.
Winner.
3rd outing on his bike that has brakes a year or two ago and he flew into the middle of the busy road at the bottom of the incline which i thought he'd be ok to pull the brakes at the bottom. Buses and cars on the busy road... i make a noise akin to a goat from somewhere... he ploughs into the curb on the other side with no traffic anywhere near thankfully. Literally thought i'd lost him, had pictures of bus siding him while i slow motion ran towards with goat noise.
Hes 5 now and bounces around leigh woods and ashton court weekly. While i shat my pants i think it gave him a bit of confidence on where the line was!
Needless to say we don't go near that incline any more.
Parenting FAILS
There are not enough terabytes of server storage to cope with ours....
put my 2 month old duaghter down on the sofa to sort out her baby gym thing, turned around and she rolled right off it onto the floor, thwack onto the laminate. eeekk, much crying and soothing from Daddy. Fortunately mrs Jek was out at the time and there was no lasting mark. I read later that ALL babies fall off changers or sofas at one time or another, lol. 😮
Tossing baby gently up in the air up making "weeeee" noises while she giggled. I walked through a door and tossed her into the top of door frame. Giggling stopped.
Member Jekkyl
I read later that ALL babies fall off changers or sofas at one time or another, lol.
... When men are left to look after babies!
My wife was the first one to flip the baby bike trailer over. Until I tried the red at Dalby and flipped it twice.
When my oldest was about 9 months and crawling we lived in a house with those wooden stairs that are full of gaps, I thought I was being clever by blocking the stairs with a few chair so he couldn't fall on the stairs...
He proceeded to climb up the chair and tip it over falling up the first few stairs then falling back down the stairs and smashing into a chair 😳
Ambrose wins hands down.
Today's fails -
mammy said we could have a fish and chip treat for tea, l'il J responds "can we have curry sauce?" - my fault apparently 🙂
I then made the mistake of letting him watch "how to train your dragon 2", hiccup's dad only went and died! Missus not happy with me . No pudding.
Jnr was 18 months old when he had some new pyjamas. The legs were a little too long, and we agreed we'd shorten them after they'd been washed.
He started to go downstairs, tripped over the end of his pyjamas and I watched him tumble down 13 steps to come to a sudden halt against the wall by the front door. There was a long moment of shocked silence, and then he screamed. I have never been so happy to hear a child scream in my life!
12 years on, he is more confident on a climbing wall than he is on stairs.
Daffy- it gets worse. Boy No 2 almost died. It was a 'serious day' No fun at all. Stood at the side of a trail in Les gets he put his foot down onto- nothing. And fell about 200feet down the gully. Even now we don't laugh about it.
Not me but my step-dad's parents forgot to collect him from ski school so he wondered off. They didn't bother calling the police and only was found by chance 2 days later skiing with a local school.
This would bad but not too terrible, assuming he was 15-16yo, nope he was 9!
This was 1978 that this happened but still!
EDIT: Thinking about it they've admitted to forgetting him a few times in europe, having lost him in Italy when he was 11, him going missing for a week when they were serving in Dresden, only to realise he was on a school trip.
sat at the picnic tables out front of the local one summer.
Stoners Jr are in the pub garden on the other side of the car park, clambering over the wooden castle. Jr Jr reaches out to the monkey bars and makes a fist of it before realising he cant make it and is now hanging there like a motivational poster cat.
I'm sat with pint in paw and just have to resign myself to mopping him up once he's fallen as there's no way I can cover the ground between table and dangling lad in time. Not without spilling my pint anyway.
I've kinda forgot about the 3rd one... a coupla times. One minor one in the car for 10 mins; the other in a shopping centre in Birkenhead. She's 20 months.
Every other mistake we've made is my fault too - because I'm married.
2 [i]days[/i]?
Waiting in a long queue at the airport. Bored. So I started making our baby giggle by tipping her pushchair back and doing wheelies.
"Stop that you might drop her!"
"Oh don't fuss woman, I won't.. aah..."
Pushchair drops to the ground. Baby whacks head on ground. Evils from the missus, our friends, and basically the entire queue, inform me that I am clearly an unfit father.
Daughter in high chair eating pasta, Mum asked me to put ketchup on it. Sleep deprived Dave reached into fridge and retrieved chilli sauce. Took us ages to work out why she was in such distress. Nappies were a mare for the next 24 hours.
They didn't bother calling the police and only was found by chance 2 days later skiing with a local school.
So many questions!!
But yeah, this is why we do the French thing of putting a sticker on their helmet with our mobile number and hotel name on it. Just in case!
Many. many child on shoulder door frame incidents. But the one that still makes me cringe is:
My 5 y-o at the time was being a bit of a PITA in the way to school (not wanting to go basically) he walked ahead and blocked the gateway with his arms outstretched, I came up behind him and tickled him under the arms- he flew forward bumped his head and was crying loudly. I look up and see a child minder who I see every day and she looks away embarrassed. I think she thinks I pushed him.
family holiday to Florida and all the parks. Day 1, ride one, and the 5yo is too small to go on it. Rather than do parent swap, we asked the attendant who said we could all go on and the littl'un he'd cross over to the off platform where we could pick her up.
But when the train pulls in - she's no where to be seen. Nor's the attendant. We were just about to get the staff member (who was brilliant BTW - they must lose dozens of kids a day) to call a full park shutdown or whatever, when she saunters in from the gift shop. She was missing for probably 3 minutes but **** me your heart stops several times in those 3 mins wondering.
One useful tip as well given to us (along with the number on a wristband / sticker) is to get then dressed for the day and then take a photo of them. With today's tech, every park employee can have an up to date photo of who they're looking for in an instant instead of a vague description.
We also used to dress the identically every day - helps to not have to remember what they look like at that precise moment you're looking for them in a crowd.
Our lad is getting a very strong Northern accent.
In Paris near the Awful Tower a couple of years ago and mini Matt who was 2.5yrs old at the time decided it would be a good time to run off. I legged it after him while pushing the stroller. For some reason I thought if I ran fast enough I could cut him off and get him to fall into it, only it didn't work like that. I clipped his foot and he hit his head on the floor quite hard.
It left a lump.
Bloody kids eh?
So many questions!!
Don't worry so have we, but there are SO many other things that are scary about their parenting style that we don't bother.
This just about sums it up to me - when they went skiing they took their caravan, BUT made Pete (my stepdad) sleep under the awning in a sleeping bag as they wanted to have enough room to play cards at night and didn't want to keep him awake. This is fine until you realise that the awning was actually a tarp at 45deg against the side of the caravan, but it their words "it's fine, the campsite had a drying room so he could dry his sleeping bag out during the day" 😯
Another sleep deprived one...filling the baby bath in kitchen, instead of baby bubbles put fairy washingup liquid in.
Never even noticed till the wife came in 10 minutes later and expressed amazement at the amount of bubbles there were....
She was squeaky clean afterwards tho!
not me but........... arrived at childminder to find a very sheepish childminder's son waiting for me to apologise - he'd got home from school and just flopped into his usual chair to find smudgelette there - cue visit to A&E and a 9 month old in a stookie for 6 weeks.
Met him in the cinema last year when he was a burly 6' teenager with his girlfriend and asked him loudly if he had broken any more babies legs? We're even!
I was the child that caused the parenting fails. Jumped thru some railings into a pool in a temple in India when 5 took ages to get me out again, Fell out of a top bunk and landed on my head at 4. got lost too many times to remember. My poor parents!
Fell out of a top bunk and landed on my head at 4.
Suddenly everything is explained 😀
One that happened to me by the hands of my Auntie.
I was only a few months old and my Auntie was pregnant with her first child.
She asked my mum if she could practice putting a nappy on me (Terry towelling).
So she pins this nappy on and picks me up. The nappy kinda falls off, except it doesn't. It's pinned to my tally wacka.
Luckily she had girls!
Took Ms Sandwich to the Doctors in a Karrimor kids backpack. Swung her off my shoulders and tried to prop it against the reception counter. Carrier falls over with her forehead being the first part to touch down. Bit of a lump.
(This may have caused the 'teenage' years).
Allowed the boys to watch "Independance Day" on vid when it came out. They were 7 and 9 T the time. The "opening up the alien" scene scared them brick less. Ex wife was not impressed when the youngest couldn't sleep for a week.
Whoops.
When my daughter was toilet training she fell down the toilet.
I was too busy laughing to fish her out.
She gets her own back by weeing in random places in the house (note, she is still only three).
Sons first trip to BPW one June. Nice and sunny, uplift booked out but no problem, we spend an hour pootling up to the top with snack stops and a few pushes.
Just as we arrive at the top the mother of all storms blows in out of nowhere. Proper sleet, really windy and very very cold. The trails turn to little rivers and he was really struggling to hold the brakes. He got properly blue lips cold and was shivering uncontrollably.
To be fair, it only took an hour to get back down and while it would have been quicker and safer to walk he refused to even discuss it and instead sucked on bits of snickers to "keep my teeth warm dad".
The real 'bad dad' bit? He was 4 and on a Cnoc 16.
I feel/felt stupid for putting him in that position... Something I wouldn't have done with anyone elses kid. Still not quite sure why I decided that another trip to the FoD wasn't a better idea.
Luckily he wasn't bothered at all and loves riding. We have returned to BPW.
There's a fine line sometimes between 'adventure dad' and 'idiot dad'. It seems on my bad days i walk on that line 🙂
@i like food - sounds like something I would do. Your little lad just going for it and not taking no for an answer is awesome though.
My eldest was on my shoulders last week at the bus stop. He dropped the £2 which proceeded to roll into the road. Course, he had to get it back immediately so flung himself off my shoulders - i couldn't catch him in time but just snagged his leg enough to wheel him round and bring him down head first on the pavement. I made a noise like a coconut dropping. Doesn't help that I'm 6'2" so he fell from about 7' up.
Cue a very worried dad getting him home on the bus then a dash to hospital for a two hour check up.
and a very cross wife.
Luckily he's a scoffer like me so bounces quite well 🙂
My adventure ideas cost me a fortune in snickers!
Reading this thread makes me feel better!
Two daughters, many fails, two that spring to mind.....
First daughter, 3 years old on holiday in Menorca, stopped for lunch at a restaurant that had a water slide, a long water slide. After lunch I took her to top of slide, sat her between my legs and set off down the chute. As it was an unexpected water slide I did not have the correct slide as fast as possible shorts on, in fact quite the opposite. Daughter was asking to go faster but even pulling us down the chute with my hands on the edge our velocity was poor, disappointing for us both. So I eased the grip I had on her with my legs and gave her a good push, off she went at great speed much to her enjoyment. When she was about 5 meters ahead of me it suddenly dawned on me that she didnt have her armbands on and no matter how much effort I made to catch up with her it was a pointless exercise, she was now out of sight but at least I could hear her shouts of joy and excitement, stark consolation. I could see my wife sitting at our table about 10 meters from the bottom of the slide but as I have already said it was a long water chute and from where she was sitting she could not hear what I was shouting or have any idea why I was frantically waving my arms and pointing to the deep pool at end of the slide, al I got in return was a wave from her. To cut an already long enough story short my wife realised what had happened when our daughter didnt surface from the pool so while she was taking her strap snadals off before jumping in the pool to rescue floundering daughter the only other person in the restaurant realised what had happened and dived in to rescue her after what was probably on 5 - 7 seconds, very long seconds mind!! When I finally reached the end of the chute my sobbing daughter was on the poolside getting comforted by my wife who was giving me one of those looks , hindsight has since told me that it probably wasnt a good idea to deflect some blame by asking her why the bloody hell was she untying her sandals before jumping in....!!
Daughter no2....... she was about 15 years old (5years ago), I was downstairs one afternoon when she came down and said she thought she had a sewing needle stuck in her foot, just thought. No puncture mark in her foot, no blood, only a slight discomfort when she walked......but no sign of the said sewing needle she was using in her bedroom. Surely if there was a needle in her foot she would know about it, at 15 years old you should know these things, shouldn't you? Forward about 20 hours hours after much telling her that A&E would be very busy I decided to [s]shut her up[/s] do as she asked and take a trip to A&E........2 hours later we were holding up an x-ray showing a 5cm length of sewing needle deep in the heel of her foot. Later that night I was taking her home after a full anaesthetic operation to remove the snapped sewing needle. And as it happens my wife came home from a break away with her mum late that night, she said she thought she could trust me by now to look after our daughters...........maybe `i still cant???
When trimming my 4 week old daughters fingernails I drew blood
A confessional fantastic.
At our apartment pool, nobody else there.
I was at the bottom end of the swimming pool sorting out some floats and toys for Little Q, she was half way up the pool picking up her armbands, 2 years old, and then running full speed into the deep end, holding her arm bands above her head.
I don't think she had reached the bottom by the time I got to her, or realised what had happened, but I now know I can sprint 25m, pin-drop and retrieve a child in a few seconds. I know diving in is the way to do it, but I realised that I had to get a push off the bottom of the pool to get her to the top again.
Mrs Q once picked up the wrong wipe, which was a menthol one, and gave Mini Q a clean on her bits. Fortunately, she could talk then, and told us it was burning, or we would have had no idea why she was screaming.
Fortunate there was a bath of cold water there to dump her in.
Another pool related one from a mate.
His daughter lives with his mum, following some mischief in his younger days. His mum takes care of her, and over the last 5 years or so he has really got to know her better and become more of a dad.
Prior to this, he was very much a part-time dad, and very much disconnected, only around for birthdays, and fun things etc.
We all went swimming at a local pool with water slide, waves etc. Little Q was about 6 months old, his son was a year old and his daughter was 8.
Little Q and mini-raggie, wives and me were a bit cold so we all left, he stayed in the pool with his daughter, bonding.
He appeared mortified in the changing room about 20 minutes later.
He met an old friend in the pool and was chatting to him, when daughter asked if she could go on the slide.
After daughter had asked to go on the slide, he continued to talk to his old mate, shortly afterwards, he was asked by a lifeguard if "this is your daughter"
His immediate thoughts were "oh no who has she been fighting with this time" what the lifeguard said was "she just nearly drowned on the slide, did you not know she doesn't know how to swim?"
Turns out when I was chatting to daughter before going in the pool, and asked if she could swim, she had said yes, because she was too shy to say no. He had no idea if she could swim or not, and was pleased I had asked.
I'm a bit disappointed that nobody has tried to pretend to be the McCains yet.
I've so far managed to avoid damaging our four year old but when I was 11, my little brother was two. I had a den in the attic, accessed via a very, very long ladder - the loft hatch was about 25 feet above the landing.
He always used to follow me up the ladder and play with all the rubbish my family kept up there. One day, we were called down for tea and he refused to come down (I always carried him down the ladder).
I went half way down and warned him I would leave him there. No joy. All the way down and repeated the threat. Down to the next landing and was horrified to see he was lowering himself over the edge of the drop, his legs dangling into space.
Legged it back up the stairs but it was waaay too late. He bounced off a pile of stuff waiting to be taken into the attic, landed on the carpet and was worryingly quiet until the gasps for breath started. Then the screaming.
I told my mum he fell off the third ring of the ladder...
Banging a thin post into the ground in the garden using a half a paving brick as a hammer, my 2 year old daughter helped by steadying the pole.
Yep, brick slipped out my hand and hit her on her head, proper Thud square on.
Next occasion, outside my Donalds trying to get her balloon into the car hatch back. I slam the boot just as she lunges in to keep,the balloon inside, thwack, right on her head.
A parenting fail depends on the POV. From the 3yo #2's point of view we are terrible, terrible parents for making her wear tights with a bear's face on the seat as she didn't 'want a bear bottom'.
Cue 45min screaming.
I'm amazed any of our children actually make it to adulthood.
^^^ A lot of them haven't, yet..
I'm amazed any of our children actually make it to adulthood.
Practical Darwinism. 😉
My daughter used to be terrible for getting her hand on door frames when she was about 2. I had her in the car seat behind the passenger one day. Strapped her in and shut the door, a BMW 5 series so no lightweight, wandered round to the drivers side and as I opened the door all I could hear at the top of her lungs was WHAAAAAAAAAA! she`d reached up as I shut the door and had all 5 fingers trapped between the big door seal and the car! 😀 no damage tho 😀
Stepdaughter once did the pointing at me and using two fingers to point at her eyes, I'm watching you type thing. And with a serious face while doing it poked herself in both eyes 😀 oh how I laughed 😀
Stopping to take this photo wasnt one of my finest moments.
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I do seem to stop and take a lot of photos minutes away from impending doom. Glass chopping board too I've just noticed.
Fell out of a top bunk and landed on my head at 4.
Should've worn a helmet.
Was at a party once and someone had brought a small child. A mate of mine, let's call him Dave (for that is his name) had the aforementioned child handing out Pringles to the assembled guests. His story is that he told the lad to tell people they were cheese flavoured. I do not believe him.
So one by one, the young lad went round all the party-goers with a plate of Pringles. He waited until the offered crisps were accepted and being eaten before proudly informing the guest, "they've got jizz on them."
That's not a fail - that's what kids are for.
We often have pancakes at weekend breakfast. When the kids were smaller, I used to get them to give me the big 'Whhhhoooooaaaaaaahhhhhhh.......' build up to flipping them. Followed by a cheer if I managed it, and shouts of 'Useless tosser' if I didn't.
MrsV soon put a stop to that 🙁
Little Benjamins had just learned to ride his Cnoc 14 at the tender age of 3 and 2 months, except he hadn't quite got the hang of brakes. I was trailing after him like a dutiful dad, get to a hill I'm following but perhaps not quite as close as I should have been. All of a sudden I realise that he is going faster than he wants and that I'm now sprinting to be able to catch up with him. I'm shouting brake - he grabs rather too much brake - cue front wheel washing out and his face incontact with the floor. Blood everywhere, him distraught and wife not speaking to me. He then refused to ride his pedal bike for another 6 months.