[Closed] One sided relationships

I speak to my sister maybe 2 or 3 times a year, i honestly can;t remember her ringing me in the last 12 years. Doesn't really matter to me as we get on really well and when push came to shove we sorted each other out which is what siblings should do. My bro is better, although he has disappeared off the end of the world it would seem, he will return though i'm sure.
I speak to my mum every few weeks and email her once a week or more which is quite good, before my dad died i literally had nothign to say to the miserable old **** and even less when he started to realise his number was approaching and did some purely mental stuff. I was thinking that i should be sad about it but i'm not and even though he was my dad i didn;t know him and i certainly do not aspire to be like him.

That feels better.

I'm like your brother a bit. My sister is ok which is much better than it used to be: typical sybling rivals. Then when our parents died she was guardian which was really ****** **! now we both have lives dominated by others and work. Fortunately neither of us is very needy. Tbh I'm terrible at social stuff despite trying more.

We have limited contact with my wife's family. And mine to be honest.
My wife has issue with my sister and my mum and I can see what her beef is. I think both her sisters are quite simply, evil. I've been proven right on a number of occasions. I wouldn't trust either of the buggers as far as I could throw them.

Why would I want to have people who I don't like in my life? Likewise my wife. It's a tough call but we married each other, not our families. It causes a lot of pain, especially for her. What can you do?

I tell you what. Parents dying makes a huge difference to family relationships. HUGE! My wife liked my dad but when he died the gap just opened up massively. Likewise, when her parents were alive, the family all just got on for the most part. As soon as they died, BAM! Wide as you like.
Let the sniping begin.

I tell you what. Parents dying makes a huge difference to family relationships.

Definitely agree with that. I haven't been real close to my brother, half-brother and step-brothers/sister for a long time as I worked out of the country for many years and traveled extensively around the world for work. We got a little closer after I left that line of work, but after both our parents were gone, the gulf has returned.
Once it is gone, seems hard to recapture--something I am sure I will regret one day.

Our family is pretty much as close as you can get I think, despite being geographically distant. However I still speak to my brother and parents about 2-3 times a week on the phone, on average. I reckon I'm probably the most "distant" one, but not on purpose, life just gets in the way a lot of the time and immediate issues press other issues out of the way a bit, but if I get a spare moment my first thoughts are usually wondering what they're doing and to give them a ring.

Some fairly sad stories on here. I have one brother who I talk to approx once a month which seems to suit both of us. Eight years ago we were alot closer and went riding together both locally and on foreign trips but have both had kids since (and he has moved to London) which has stopped all that 😥

I think that we are both caught up in our own lives but would be there for each other if needed. I guess I am lucky as both my parents were great (now sadly gone and much missed) and there are no extended family members that really irritate me.

I would be gutted if my kids drifted apart when they get older. I think family ties are becoming less valued as time goes by.

I would say just carry on trying if you're happy to do so but don't expect miracles. My story is quite different if you'll indulge me....

Fairly close family, one younger brother (6 years younger). When we lived together under the same roof we didn't get on, don't really know why he was just annoying. Since growing up however, i realise he idolised me and copied everything i did, sports, clothing, etc so i guess the height of flattery, just didn't see it at the time. When older (in mid 20's) we really got on, we didn't have a great deal in common to be fair but we just clicked. Fast forward to Xmas 4 years ago and there was a big falling out, as usual over nothing really and until September this year i hadn't spoke to anyone in the family at all, i just couldn't be bothered as i felt no support or understanding of who i am now (i had issues, we all have and for the most part i've managed to get through the dark times). In September my Grandmother died, my mother called and said it would be 'nice' if i came to the funeral - i did, was polite and did my duty, i couldn't even look at my brother while my parents carried on as if nothing happened in the previous 4 years! it was then i thought whats the ****ing point and i very much doubt i'll even 'go out of my way' to contact them again. Sad i know but thats the way i feel and judging from other posts i'm not the only one.

Chin up 🙂

I think family ties are becoming less valued as time goes by.

Sadly enough that's true. I think a thread like this makes everyone realize that despite location, circumstances and all, there is a lot of commanality in our lives and what we have created, whether by intent or not.

I find it really strange when families don't get on, even in the worst times with massive arguments, broken doors/walls/screaming and shouting and non-communication for a day or two while everyone calms down, I can't imagine what it would take to never want to talk to them again. Usually whoever was to blame finds a way to say sorry, or even if they don't feel they should say sorry they'll accept everyone has different views. Sounds a bit "ideal" I know, but I just don't think I could find something that my family wouldn't help with or would take such a huge objection to that it would break down communication. And I guess that's what makes a family a family, communication and support.

Bloody hell - being an only child seems to have some advantages.

Nearest I've got is two cousins who were almost like sisters as they virtually lived at my house as kids. I pop in to see one of them if I go skiing up at Glenshee as she is fairly normal and fun, the other I will probably never speak to again due to a family bereavement 'incident' but I never liked her anyway (and detest her Husband). Doesn't bother me at all that we haven't had any contact for 7 years.

Speak to my folks every day though as they are getting on a bit.

I would be gutted if my kids drifted apart when they get older.

Bloody hell - being an only child seems to have some advantages.

Always felt I missed having siblings - I was the only kid I knew without brothers and sisters and felt I was missing out. I suppose things are always greener on the other side.

Haven't seen any of the relatives on my Dad's side since he died 14 years ago. Only met my Mum's relatives for the first time for over 20 years at the funeral of an aunt a couple of years ago, depsite doing a Masters degree at Lancaster University which is close to where most of them live - in fact my Uncle has the farm that borders part of the uni campus.

Strange things families!

Have you considered talking to your brother about your feelings rather than just sharing them on a mountain biking forum?

He's your brother, not a mind reader.

me and my full brother get on good. But my mum left us when i was 4 and i haven't seen or heard from her in 20 years. i know she has a son and a daughter but i have no interest in them at all, but i think that is normal.

i do have another half brother from my dad and he lives 5 minuets away and he cba to even ring us. we do get contact around his birthday and christmas (i think its for his presents). i think he doesn't like us as we tell him he needs to lose weight (he is massively overweight im not lying)

tbh it dont bother me

My twin sis lives about half an hour away yet we only speak / see each other a few times a year - we get on just fine, just lead busy lives I guess. Harley any of my wife's family talk to each other, all fell out over inheritance ...

Should add it was her mum and siblings, not her!

[i]Are most of you close to your siblings? I have older siblings and one of them, my brother just never, ever, ever makes contact with me, he's never been to my house, never text/called off his own back, rarely replies to messages and generally has never really bothered to make an effort. Is this just a bloke thing or is he trying to tell me something? I'm feeling a bit beyond making an effort any more but he's got kids and I don't really never want to see them[/i]

My siblings have passed, so I don't get much choice in the matter.
32yrs and 27yrs.
Christmas can be.... tough.

So my message to those who still have family.

Sort it out, as once they have gone, you've no more chances.
And that can really cause you problems.

I sincerely wish my STW commrades, a Happy Christmas.
😉

32yrs and 27yrs.

Ooof! Sorry to hear that, mate.

Nowt as strange as family relationships. I'm an only one and get on well with all sides of the family, although don't bother getting in touch often. When we talk or meet we always enjoy ourselfs on many levels. But I don't do more cause I have really close freinds who I value. I have been coloured by experience of the ex wife's family who lived in each others pockets and fought like jealous cats in a bag. The current (and wonderful) Mrs wingnuts turned up to her Dad's funeral to discover 8 ... yes that is 8 brothers and sisters she didn't know about. They were from 3 other women. Strangely she has become closer to 3 of these than her sister from her own mum. Her dad had made her executor but neglected to tell her about all his activity and resultant progeny, but that is another story.

i wish i had a brother or sister

My sister lives in the US - we probably have some kind of contact every couple of weeks. We very rarely speak on the phone though, generally exchange comments on Facebook or email. She comes over here one or twice a year so I see her and her kids then.

I don't think the situation described in the OP is particularly unusual - it's very easy to not get round to these things, even if you enjoy the contact when it happens.

I don't see much of mine; sister is an accountant 42,single(ish)no kids,loaded, lives in embra and is horrible to my two boys just because she has none. My little bro is the most unreliable man in Tayside. I will see them both on boxing day and not again for months. I do make the effort when I am in Edinburgh but she does not even reply now. I think it is just the common bond of a womb, once you have left that behind, you follow your own path.

emma82 - Member
Are most of you close to your siblings? I have older siblings and one of them, my brother just never, ever, ever makes contact with me, he's never been to my house, never text/called off his own back, rarely replies to messages and generally has never really bothered to make an effort...

I don't contact my brothers unless there's something important happening, and vice versa. When we get together we simply take up where we left off.

My elder brother has just been sunk in the middle of the Indian Ocean but didn't think that was a big enough deal to mention. (Heard about it from a friend.) His attitude was it would only be a problem if he had drowned, so it wasn't worth making a fuss about. Fairly typical in our family, but you could pick up the phone and they'd be there if you needed them, or you could drop in for a 3 month visit no problem.

So don't worry about your brother. 🙂

[i]Brothers are like that[/i]

It's true you know, we are.

I have three sisters, all older, they're in their forties, I'm in my thirties. I love them all to bits, will do (pretty much) anything for them and like spending time with them. I'll call them when there's something to talk about but never, ever just ring them for a chat. But then I hardly ever just ring anyone for a chat.

[edit] I do try to make a point of seeing them at least every couple of months, but mainly because they have children and I think it's important that the children know that they're part of an extended family that loves them

Actually, having read all of epicyclo's post now, I think she might be my sister 🙂

Parents now live in Australia and speak to them about once every two months. Me and my two brothers can go 6 months without speaking but it’s like we’ve never been apart when we are together. Some families are just like that.

This topic has just prompted me to call them. Turns out they are now both immigrating to Australia as well!

I think I'm probably quite like your brother so I can give a perspective that might be helpful.

I'm actually pretty close to my family - we all get on well, always did when I was young and always have a great time when we're together.

But, I'm a pretty independent person and I don't need to talk to people regularly to feel close to them - same goes for close friends actually - so I don't have the inherent triggers to constantly call/talk/text them that say my wife does with her family. It's definitely a bloke thing to some extent but also just how some people are.

For me, from the point when I moved out of home to go to uni (eg the last time we lived together), I saw/talked to them a lot less and didn't really 'miss' the contact as I knew they were always there and that essentially nothing had changed.

That said, I guess as I've got older and had kids, I've become more aware that how I perceive things isn't necessarily how other people do and so I do actively make the effort to call my family regularly simply because I know they might feel how emma does otherwise. For me it doesn't make me feel any closer as I don't need that contact for that but I know that they've appreciated it.

So, emma, maybe your brother just hasn't realised that side of it and next time you talk to him maybe just mention in a non-judgemental way that you'd love to talk to him more often...

Me and our kid (ickle sister) are really close. We always have been. We always knocked around together, and made a real effort to see each other, despite her being in London and me oop north. I've had some of the best times of my life with her and love her to bits! She was my best man and everyfink

The thing is, people always remark on how well we get on. And how its nothing like the relationship they have with their siblings. It certainly seems to be the exception, rather than the rule

And we don't phone each other all the time, or owt like that. She's like a bloke in that respect. We just have a right laugh when we're together and immediately revert to behaving like kids 😀

I've got an incredibly needy sister-in-law you can have.. 😐

Emma, don't give up on him. He probably values your relationship very much, but he might just have the type of personality which makes it difficult to keep in touch. I'm very similar - I love my sister very much, but I'm always forgetting to contact her, because something more immediate comes up, or I forget, or other. I don't care about her any less.

Maybe just mention it to him (not in a nagging way) and say you'd like to hear from him more often. Certainly don't assume it's resentment or indifference.

My sister might say the same about me! Well, not quite- she's got the kids and I do make some effort, but as said above people are different and I don't feel the need to be in touch with my family all the time- doesn't mean I don't care about them.

clubber sums it up nicely for me.

I have a 2 years younger brother, we are close, get on great when we meet up, like the same things, similar group of friends, usual stuff. I was best man at his wedding, he will be best man at mine.

But.

It is not uncommon for us not to speak for a couple of months, and it is not uncommon for us to not see each other for 6 months. We are both independent, both busy and neither of us ones for just calling for a chat.

It's a bloke thing in my eyes, I am the same with my friends as well, I get in contact when I have news (actually, I don't, people just hear it on the grapevine unless it is really big) or fancy meeting up. All male parties seem happy as we are all of similar mind sets.

So in summary, don't panic, he is a bloke.

Our family lives separate lives, they live one end of the country I live the other, it's always been like that. Having left Uni to return to my home county Shropshire they promptly upped sticks and moved to Cambridge where my Sis married and had 4 kiddos in succession, Mother remained there to help out, Father died of bowel cancer shortly after….
So I’d make the effort to visit, every month I’d pop down and for a while we carried on as a family, only after a couple of issues we had to face bang on the nose did we start to drift apart. I moved south for sailing and been here 20 years, they’ve stayed where they are and in that time we’ve hardly spent any time together. I rarely go up, she’s been down once, we chat twice a year. My Mothers a different matter, she’s always in contact, in fact if it wasn’t for her I’d rarely talk to her for weeks on end then I’ll get a text saying “Hi, it’s your Mom” and we start up all over again.. then I’ll drift off and we go round in these circles over the years. We’ve recently had some rather bad news, my Nephew and my Niece’s Fiancé were killed at the weekend, totally devastating news for my Sis and family and yes we’ve spoken and it’s like we’re still Bro and Sis, nothing changes, we’ve always been the same, always been there for each other..
But, the over riding feeling I have in all this is simple, I love them all, but I’m happy with my family and to me that’s the most important thing.
I guess a lot of guys are like this, those that I’ve spoken to about it are similar, we’ll be astrainged but not really, we do appreciate the affection from our family, but we’re happy on our own or with our own family.
I do envy those with close knit families though, you know those with Mum/Dad/Sis/Bro all living close by, all sharing each other..
I don’t really have that, but I don’t think I’ve ever had that either.

The saddest thing for us is that my wife's parents are both no longer with us and mine are. Her parents did everything they could to involve themselves with us and our son but both died in their mid sixties. Mine never visit and rarely call despite managing to spend two months of every winter in Palm Springs and have told me and my sister not to visit at the same time with our families because too many people in the house stresses them.

Bloody hell - being an only child seems to have some advantages.

It's not always like that.

However in my case it's somewhere in the middle. My 18 months older sister is not really like me at all, neither is my Mum, but we do make the effort to do family stuff fairly often. It's not too much of a chore but it is rather frustrating. I can't really be fully myself as they don't really get me very well, but of course I'm used to that since it's how I grew up. Fortunately I have Mrs Grips for being myself with 🙂 And, somewhat strangely, the rest of her family.

I have to hold my hand up and admit that I'm not very good at communication, but the rest of my family is great so I don't think it's much of a problem. My Mum gets a little peeved when I haven't called for a while and I just love winding her up with one word responses to her emails 😆

My old Man is a nightmare, you call him and after 'hello' it seems he want to go, but that's just him. He's cr*p on the phone.

Most important thing is do you actually get along when together? As long as someone makes the effort and you talk or see each other on a fairly regular basis them what's the problem.

Wow.. some very tough stories there.

My Mum had a sister, they fell out 35 years ago (when I was 3) and never spoke, I only ever set eyes on her once at a funeral about 5 years ago. last year my Mum sent me a text which read - 'just found out my sister died, and the funeral was last week, I guess some families just don't work out'

My Dad has a brother who never makes the effort - he is a grade A sh*t - my Grandmother passed away earlier this year, and I doubt any of us will ever see him again now...

My wifes family is a nightmare, her Mum is a nasty cow, who has fallen out with her entire family, my wife has two needy sisters who tend to only make a big effort when they want something..
The whole family have regular 'Springer show' style rows (Christmas day is a favorite) and are just hard work...

I have a younger brother, who is 34 (4 years younger than me) we speak most weeks, and probably see each other monthly, he has a life-limiting illness (the big C) and realistically is unlikely to see his 40th birthday, I'm going to find this tough as although we're not 'best mates' we've got a healthy sibling relationhip and do need each other.

If the reason you don't see/hear from your siblings is purely down to laziness then please at least send them the odd text, as you never know when they'll be gone for good...

Fascinating thread this.

One of my brothers is a little odd and I only see him at Christmas - and then not every year. The other brother and sister I see occasionally and we don't call each other much just at family stuff. We get on fine though. Just families and work etc.

I have more problems with my daughter (26) who never contacts me. A couple of years ago I decided to not call her to see what would happen and the answer is nothing. I do call her for her birthday and Christmas as I do not want to lose touch. Whenever we speak she is great, happy to talk and stuff. Seeing her in London this Sunday which will be the first time this year - and not sure if I saw her last year. That hurts me more than my siblings.

It would appear that some of you blokes don't make an effort.

Yep you are right C_G, im a right lazy bugger and really need to make more of an effort. ALl my family are very good at keeping in touch considering we live on opposite sides of the world. My fault when it slides though 🙁

I am pretty rubbish with my Mum and brother, but they're in Oz so the time difference plus the fact that Mum lives in the shed most weekends makes phoning difficult. Emails every few weeks with Mum, probably speak to my Bro once every 3 months but we both have small children so that does make it harder. Need to make more effort really. My sister is spending a few years in the UK and I definitely haven't seen her enough. Really missed seeing her grow up.

I think you shouldn't take it personally that you have to make the effort as long as things are good between you. My brother and I are definitely a little like that which means we go longer without speaking, but I love him very much and always think about how his life is going. Hope your brother is the same. Maybe tell him how you feel?

My bother moved to NZ about twenty years ago. We didnt always keep in touch until the last 5 years or so. He died suddenly last april. Glad i made the effort, maybe some on here might think about how they might feel if something happend to tske away the option.

To those who think it's "sad" or "tough" that some siblings don't chat very often; why do you think that. To me, it's perfectly natural. I have friends with whom I have a lot in common. We share interests, care about each other, maybe even disagree on stuff. Through an accident of birth, I also have a brother. I have absolutely nothing in common with him. Why would I want to keep in touch?