Not middle class problems - what's yours?

That my mates and former work colleagues keep deciding that death by suicide or significant substance misuse is the way to manage their demons exacerbated by a society and government that don't give a shit and infantilize them. It genuinely keeps me awake at night.

I’ve been out of work for 5 weeks, hoping to start a new job on Tuesday. Having a dilemma though as since been offered interviews for 3 separate great/dream jobs (probably post a thread about it this weekend), but need money asap and no guarantee I’ll get any of those other jobs.

I'm sat looking down the barrel of a £800pcm increase in our mortgage if rates don't fall back.

before anyone righteous comes on and claims the high ground when we increased our mortgage to pay for renovations I could have got a 10 year for around 1.5%. I kick myself daily.

I have about 12 to 18 months to try and land a new job paying substantially more. if not we may have to sell the house which I have spent thousands of ££ and hours on, which would devastate me, wife and 2 boys.

I have massively cut back and now trying to finish the work myself whilst working full time. no time to ride the bike much anymore

I'm just angry. All the time. I go from being fine to just being angry and then I just seem to get angryer (is that even a word?).

I hate it, but don't know how to deal with it. I've always been a bit highly strung but I seem to be getting worse with age (47). I want to be chilled, so my kids don't remember me as that angry fat **** (rhymes with hat)....

Loud noises are a trigger and my 6 month old dog has a ****ing awful bark!

I'll get it sorted hopefully.

I still have the odd blip in my mental health, have done this afternoon, I know what triggered it but can’t always stop it.

@ads678, that resonates.

For me counselling highlighted some issues that I hadn't realised were getting under my skin, and I feel much better for it.

At one point I lost my voice after a shouting match and finally realised something had to change, and that something was me.

I have similar mental health blips to Drac, repeated exposure to indirect trauma at work left me in a bad way a few years back. It usually repeats when I’m knackered or stressed. Can’t sleep, bad dreams, get angry, poor diet, over booze, etc, usual symptoms. I’ve had a bad patch the last few months, coupled with / caused by bereavement and grief, but the last couple of months I have been seeing a counsellor so that’s helped a lot.

I blue-lighted my mum to hospital a few weeks ago. I genuinely thought it was going to be a one-way trip. I'm still not convinced that it isn't.

I overheard the doctors a few days ago, she's 35kg. That's 5.5 stone in old money.

My mental health is, frankly, down the shitter and it's affecting everything I do. Or mostly at the moment, don't do. Bickering on here is about the only thing keeping me sane, for some value of.

i have had nightmare neighbours next door since sept 11th last year. they were meant to leave march 12th as their tenancy wasn't going to be renewed but they are still next door (we are all waiting for a court order of eviction to kick them out for good/meant to be an accelerated eviction order too but still waiting for when the courts will grant it 🙁 they know how to manipulate the system etc.

for reference all the neighbours have been and are in prison. one is a complete headcase and they deal class a drugs to boot.

i have seen the police more times in the past 8 plus months than i did when doing a week of work experience at chippenham police hq during my secondary school work experience week.

hopefully they will finally be gone soon though (fingers crossed).

That my dad's health is deteriorating on a weekly basis. That I may have to give up my job thanks to the broken rental market. That I'm looking to be seriously out of pocket thanks to a car crash I had back in March and the incompetence of the Claims Management Company. That my mental health is frazzled despite having done a few really good things to boost it recently. That my physical health is the worst it has been for, well, ever. Massively piled the pounds on, fitness is non-existent and my complete lack of spare time means it's only going to get worse. Basically my whole life has been obliterated since the pandemic started and, apart from the odd thing or two, it's still going through the downward spiral. Hope it hits the bottom soon so I can start the journey back up.

@DT78:

I’m sat looking down the barrel of a £800pcm increase in our mortgage if rates don’t fall back.

Have a frank chat with your mortgage lender, they are duty bound to look at ways to helped you out. The last thing they want is you to default so use that to your advantage. They can extend the terms or even arrange a payment holiday, not great but better than having to sell up.

I've fallen out with my best mate because he's gone down the anti Vax rabbit hole. I'm not the type of person that has lots of friends and he's been my closest friend for a long time. It feels a bit like a bereavement, I'm at a loss as to what to do about it. I can't get my head around the anti Vax thing and I can't forget about it either. I just want to rewind the last four years.

thanks for rhe advice. we aren't there yet, we are still on a fix for now we have time, which is more than some have right now. it's clear we need to change our outgoings drastically, not that we have particularly expensive tastes. I'm not sure my wife is really grasping the scale of cutbacks needed.

we also have a small amount of the renovation budget I've held off on spending since everything started going to shit. hence we have a garden that still looks like a building site

won't go on about mental or physical health. doing my best to not think about that as it'll just cause further anxiety

still kids are happy and it's sunny. and I'm hopefully i can land a decent rise if I can find a role. it'll mean a hit in work life balance

many are in worse positions than us

many are in worse positions than us

A very healthy thing to remember no matter how tough it is for you.  Perspective is useful.

You made me feel a bit guilty about my thread 🙂  What can I say?  Well I have been having bowel issues and ended up with a diagnosis of " full of shit"  including urgent referral to the hospital this morning where I was poked, prodded, scanned etc and am apparently no longer totally full of shit 🙂

So whatever is going on in your life think of poor me being officially full of shit.  I'm sure many of you could have predicted that

@kilo pretty much sums it up. I do drink, no where near as much as once did. Still, every now and then I have a proper blowout. I’m far better than I was before I started meds though.

After a 5 year hiatus recently been told that my bowel cancer has made an unwelcome reappearance and oh by the way you now also have prostate cancer b****r ****!

I have this weekend to decide about taking redundancy (there's a thread). Apologies if it's not suitable for this thread. I live alone and have noone to discuss it with. It's a generous amount but I've been there for a while and I've become somewhat institutionalised. I've never progressed and only thing keeping me is the pension. I like routine which doesn't help. Sorry. I'm crap at big life decisions.
I just can't decide. Good luck to all o this thread.

I say, take the redundancy and put it in the bank. Interest rates are good (or not if you have a mortgage, apologies DT78).

Then get a different job, change is hard but can be really good.

Mr Sheen - start a thread on it - folk will give you opinions from all directions

Thanks both.

there are 3 forest fires within 50 miles of my house. all started by discarded cigarettes. yesterday i saw someone flicking a cigarette butt out of their car window.

****ing idiot

this terrifies me

I would like to give you all a hug. It sucks feeling trapped by circumstances that feel out of your control/too frightening to change. It turns out that I'm still unpicking the effects of domestic abuse that took place over 20 years ago. Which isn't pleasant, but there is something like reassurance/validation in knowing that my reactions to things as a result of that are both abnormal-for-untraumatised-people and entirely normal-in-the-circumstances.

For what it's worth, I've recently started seeing a new counsellor after yet another mental health dive. I've struck it lucky this time (or maybe I chose well? It's the first time I've gone for the private/paid option - circumstances were just too critical to wait - and so I got to google people and pick someone that looked like my kind of person, if that makes sense) and I feel like this one has useful insight and suggestions.

So, if you have the opportunity, I'd encourage anyone struggling with feeling overwhelmed, or angry, or stressed, or whatever, to hunt out a counsellor. It 100% felt like a cost I couldn't afford, but it now feels like it is worth it and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Even if you don't have baggage to unpack - and, maybe you do but don't realise it because to you it's just your life as you know it - the perspectives offered can give you strategies for reframing important conversations with people around you so that practical things can be really understood and addressed.

Good luck all.

That post above is quite possibly one of the most valuable and helpful things I've read on here.

Cancer keeps kicking the arse out of our family, lost my uncle and wife's aunt and nan in the last 2 years, my sister has ovarian cancer at 43, my mum had (hopefully) cancer last year and is awaiting all clear..... then my mother in law found a lump yesterday..

Om the flip side, i have my wife who is a Consultant therapy radiographer specialising in breast cancer working 80 hour weeks, as she seems intent on single handedly getting waiting lists down in her oncology department, i've don't think i have ever met someone so driven, but it is effecting her health too

Lovely post Hannah

I would also like to reinforce it.  My struggles are well documented on here but a private counselor ( I had another session today) has been very helpful and I have made a lot of progress.

I can only recommend counseling  and anyone really struggling please PM me for tips / help.

You guys have helped my a lot.  I am more than happy to reciprocate

Can't get my social housing provider to do repairs.Not the end of the world I suppose.I just wish they could get organised and stop letting me down.Moan over.

Splot on Hannah. The benefit I’ve had from counselling has been priceless. It’s helped me see why I behave the way I sometimes do, that it’s quite normal to suffer we all have limits. See you for a hug on a couple of weeks when I’m in the valley.

I'm a mortgage prisoner and it's messing me up.

I last remortgaged when self employed and interest only self certs were a thing and I don't earn anywhere close to enough to ever remortgage again. I'm on 2.25 over BoE base rate and my monthly has gone from £330 to nearly £1k since the rates starting rising. That's more than 50% of my take home salary just on my mortgage.

If you'd told me a year ago I had to save £600pcm or else I would have just laughed at you. We've cut back as much as possible but we're still having to rob Peter to pay Paul and I'm at the point of selling my car just to clear some credit card debt before they fill up.

Definitely same boat. I was responsible, I budgeted based on rates had to get to 7% before we struggled and 10yr projections were 1.5%. What I didn't budget for was rates going up, inflation being at 10% (though its more on essentials) energy bills doubling. building costs going through the roof etc...etc...

Alot of people are screwed. rate shock is a real thing

Compared to peoples stories about cancer or loved ones being ill it seems minor, but it has the potential to be as devastating for peoples mental and physical health.

The forecast is for inflation to come down dramaticall over the next couple of years so hopefully that's right and people can hold on for a while - lodgers/AirBnB can help some

Phillip Schofield hasn't attracted as much sympathy as he might have hoped for - he can retire easily enough.

I’m a mortgage prisoner and it’s messing me up.

I last remortgaged when self employed and interest only self certs were a thing and I don’t earn anywhere close to enough to ever remortgage again. I’m on 2.25 over BoE base rate and my monthly has gone from £330 to nearly £1k since the rates starting rising. That’s more than 50% of my take home salary just on my mortgage.

I'd go and have a word with CAB if that were me. Self Cert mortgages ended a long time ago and if you are still on interest only what is the plan for when the mortgage ends?

Any scope to sell-up and downsize? Move areas?

Just got off the phone to the garage, £900 minimum to get my car through MOT. I dont have £900. Due to massive building project all lines of credit are at 100% depletion. I earn plenty but there's just nothing left after servicing debt. Was meant to be 2-3 years graft to get the holiday let up and running and then easy street. In year 6 now, multiple issues and compounding, mortgage now £2k a month + loan + credit card. Excrutiatingly close but agonisingly out of reach. It will come good but jesus wept I AM TIRED.

I've got middle-class happy things going on. But I've also got a mother with dementia and (failed) physical health who last night fell and opened her leg from her knee to her ankle on a step - which can't be stitched because of her paper-thin skin. Add to that a brother with mental health problems that he's either unaware of or unable to acknowledge (despite family trying) which, unfortunately for him, make him utterly unbearable to be around, so he's 45 and friendless, probably a suicide risk (when mum pops it that'll become even more prevalent). He normally lives in Oz so he's too remote to help on a day-to-day but the nature of his issues mean that it harms my mental health to be around him anyway - and my priority is being healthy for my own partner and my job.

Thankfully, I've got a "chin up, carry on" attitude to life. I'm responsible for myself first, and then voluntarily anyone else. If you're on a plane and the window blows you put the mask on your own face first - only then should you try to help other people.

Might sound callous, but if you don't look after yourself and put yourself on a stable footing then you're no good to anyone else. But if you're on solid ground, you're in a position to help.

Timely thread, not been a great couple of weeks with our adult daughter with complex needs LD, ASD & ADHD.

I don't want to go into too much detail to protect her dignity but she's had some major incidents involving self-injurious, over sexualised, destructive and aggressive behaviour recently. This has left us pretty distraught and shocked as she has had five months of (for her) good behaviour with only a few minor bumps. Her care home is mostly excellent, but they are feeling the same pressures as the whole of the care sector in terms of budgets and resources.

Always in the back of our minds is the worry that we will get a call that she has done herself serious harm (or worse), or that the care home will say they can no longer meet her needs and she will be moved to a secure hospital (which will not be a positive move).

Adding to the above stress at work and financial pressures at home it's easy for the negative thoughts to overwhelm at times.

Family, music, bike riding and a belligerent attitude are my crutches, but maybe I could do with talking to a professional. Not really thought about counselling but did see my GP a few years ago when I was in a really dark place. They were understanding but could only seem to offer medication which I was not keen on taking at the time.

@houns - start the new job, go to the interviews for at least the best of the other jobs.  If you get it then decide - but be under no illusions that if your new employer doesn't think you are a good fit for them in 2-3 months (the recruitment time, offer period, notice period) they will ditch you with little second thought.  If you don't get it you won't be kicking yourself for not trying nor scrambling around trying to get some income.

@poly +1

working 80 hour weeks, as she seems intent on single handedly getting waiting lists down in her oncology department, i’ve don’t think i have ever met someone so driven, but it is effecting her health too

Might sound callous, but if you don’t look after yourself and put yourself on a stable footing then you’re no good to anyone else. But if you’re on solid ground, you’re in a position to help.

This.

I've posted this on STW many times now, but back when I was effectively a full-time carer I felt horrendously guilty about doing anything else. It took the person I was caring for to practically order me to go out for a couple of pints with a mate or something. She told me, "if you fall over, you're of no use to anyone else." That always stuck with me. It's not selfish to do things to help yourself, it's selfish not to.

Whilst I agree with the above posts by chevychase and Cougar regarding helping yourself, I would also caveat that with -  It is often a hell of a lot easier to look at/ judge a situation from afar and give good advice than it is to accept good advice (and perceived judgement) when you are caught in a downward negative spiral, where your world feels like it is constantly spinning out of control lurching from one problem to another.

Of course it is.

It's almost like being in a bad relationship. It's only when you get out that you have clarity, "what on earth was I thinking?"

monkeyc monkey do

In regards to your repairs if they are serious contact a local councillor or MP to approach the housing provider and they will then panic and take notice. The provider I work for has gone completely down the pan since everyone in the office started working from home.

Mental health issues for me, my job is good, well paid and secure, i live in a decent area,my wife is a straightforward grafter, I have nothing that really needs to be worried about, but i still feel like a fraud being ill, when others are struggling to eat.
however, i have spoken to a new gp and i am on the road to recovery.
for the posters above talking about anger/anxiety, i hear ya, you are not alone, please speak to your doctor

@burntembers

Whilst I agree with the above posts by chevychase and Cougar regarding helping yourself, I would also caveat that with – It is often a hell of a lot easier to look at/ judge a situation from afar and give good advice than it is to accept good advice (and perceived judgement) when you are caught in a downward negative spiral, where your world feels like it is constantly spinning out of control lurching from one problem to another.

Yep, I agree.  However, there's a statute of limitations on endless assistance being provided.   My brother is a case in point - his victim mentality and "world is out to get him" worldview is now his comfort blanket that allows him to abrogate responsibility for his own situation.

There's an expectation that other people have to do for him - and largely we tread on eggshells around him for that very reason.  But there seems a wilful blindness to taking basic responsibility for his own situation and look at himself for why he feels (quite rightly) his world is falling apart and he's ended up partnerless and friendless.

Constantly looking at his past and his problems doesn't help him.  He needs to look forward, to take responsibility for what he can do.  To stop looking at "the world" through his glasses and focussing on things that he can't control - politics/economics/the world order/whatever - right or wrong, fair or unfair, he can't influence them - he can only control himself and how he moves through the world and the decisions he takes and the behaviours he exhibits.

But looking at the "unfair" world means he doesn't have to take responsibility for himself - he can blame his life on an unfairness imposed by an evil system, rather than his inability to do the basic things that most people can do - and, importantly, do do.

This might sound like a rant against my brother, and in many ways it is.  But it's illustrative of a few people I've known along the years.  People I've cut out of my life because I can't fix them and they'd have taken me down with them.  His most recent visit (and the upset and anger he's managed to spread in less than a week) has me beginning to question my continued support.   The crime here is that everything is still in his control to fix - if he accepts full responsibility for himself and his situation.

Reason I'm writing this is that people on here might see this and it might resonate with them either about themselves or about someone they know.  If it's you, then focus on what you can do and ignore the external (the world, the economy, the ****ing patriarchy, big pharma, whatever...) and focus on things you can influence (your sleeping and eating habits, the people you hang about with, gently pushing yourself to engage a bit and get out of your comfort zone a little, day by day, focussing on the tasks at hand and at the end of the day, focussing on what you can do tomorrow).

If it's someone else, don't feel guilty if you have to pull back to preserve yourself.   Some people simply can't help themselves, and unfortunately when it comes to mental illness there is only one doctor.  You can assist, but they have to do the heavy lifting.

chevy - this is where (IMO) folk need professional help.  Its very easy to be unable to see the wood for the trees and a good counselor can help you do this

In your position you have to accept there are limits to what support you can offer and when you hit that limit then stop and stop guilt free.  You could try an ultimatum " get professional help or I will no longer be able to support you" but its not really a path that often works as the person themselves needs to want to get and accept help

At some point you are just going to have to concentrate on yourself and accept that you can do no more for your brother.  sounds like you are at that point or close to it.

Yep @tjagain.  Agree.

He lives in Oz, so in a few months he'll realise he's pissed everyone off here again, move back to Oz (whilst blaming everyone else) and then repeat the same shit.   He's tried professional help, and he hears the sympathy side, but doesn't take on the responsibility side.  Hey ho.

I'm not cut up about it particularly.  It's just kind of tragic.  Only reason I posted it was because other people might see something useful in the post.

🙂

counselling only works if you engage and take onboard what is needed

@thestabiliser what was wrong with the car? Perhaps the forum can help, I can if you're in South Wales. Start a thread, you always get good responses for car stuff.

Cheers @molgrips, appreciated. But brake discs and pads all round plus service plus MOT. Have ebayed a kidney and raided the back of the sofa so the money's been found. Sadly miles from south wales but thanks anyway.

Ulez is mine....2009 vw caddy.. ...Good enough for LEZ but not ULEZ , I live 1/4 mine within the London border...my work is outside the mainly outside of London so I will pretty much have to pay to pull off my drive to leave London.

Yes I can get £5k from the scrappage scheme but for me to get another van ( defo not going to get another diesel) then I'm looking at way more than £5k.....van prices have gone though the roof....I haven't got that kind of money....what do I do, close  my business I've spent the last 11 years building up...people only use me coz I'm fair priced....if I'm got to put a extra £12.50 a day....there will most probably use someone else...the whole thing is one big headache I really don't need this year ...especially now my wife can't work and is disabled......rant over