[Closed] Natural Born Worrier. Coping Mechanisms

Following this thread.

I used to be (relatively) carefree but anxiety now controls and restricts my life. I see similar happening with other folk as they age too.

Sounds like anxiety to me, but IANAD - you can try talking to your GP or cut out the middle man and head for the NHS online CBT resources

https://www.iesohealth.com/en-gb

CBT is a useful technique for dealing with the sort of scenarios you describe - it helped me stop avoiding social situations where I was projecting all sorts of difficult scenarios, though that's less of an issue these days thanks to covid.

If you have a worrying thought, stop and ask yourself....

"Will worrying about it change any possible outcome?" If the answer is no ( which it always will be) then ask yourself....

"Is there anything else that I can do, right now, to influence any possible outcome?"

If the answer is yes.. then do that

If the answer is no... then you've done all you can and should stop worrying.

MrsG suffers a fair bit (and me to certain degree) and through talking to her and others about treatment and coping methods these types of thoughts are very common. The difference is how people manage it in their own head. Personally I am not managing it very well at the mo but have a natural ability to distract myself with meaningless activity so am able to block it out for a while at a time.
So, one of my ways of dealing with it is direct my thoughts into something else. Recently that has been doing homework on new cars for us which has come together in a great Passat gte last weekend.
Next will be figuring out all the stuff in our new house in the new year. Will be hard as I would have usually bounced ideas off my dad but we lost him last feb (lost mum 6 years ago).

tldr/
Find something to distract your mind. Works somewhat for me anyway.

@perchy the problem with that is clinnical anxiety will eat at you and the logic doesn't work.

Long term anxiety sufferer here - and have managed to get a handle on it in the last few years. What massively helped me was practicing mindfullnes - I followed the program in this book.

https://www.waterstones.com/book/mindfulness/professor-mark-williams/dr-danny-penman/9780749953089

It requires some dedication, and some daily time set aside to practice but the results for me have been extremely positive.

I recommend the audiobook!

@perchy the problem with that is clinnical anxiety will eat at you and the logic doesn’t work.

Works for me. That's what the OP asked.

Anxiety, like stress, is a perfectly natural and rational survival instinct that's got out of control and is manifesting in entirely inappropriate situations.

It helps to try and assert a degree of conscious control over it, however small and ineffective that might turn out to be. The act of trying can sometimes be enough.

I also sometimes write a list of the things that are worrying me, especially the "middle of the night" kind. It helps to externalise and verbalise the thoughts to get them out of your brain so you can deal with them later.

For me it was the realisation that it was completely and utterly pointless.

If you're on holiday and your dog gets lost, you spending a fortnight fretting that it might happen will have done the square root of Frank Hall to prevent it from happening. Worrying about "what if?" changes nothing. It'll still happen or, more than likely, won't.

One could argue that well, if you worry about your dog getting lost then you can think up a plan of action if that were to happen. This is exhausting (and a very typical Aspie trait, Aspie women especially will often build Plan A, B, C... plan Q flowcharts in their heads to avoid surprises) but you do that and then... well, what, you've got a plan now, so put it to bed, why are you still worrying?

The other thing was recognising in myself that I'm a fixer. There's a reason I've spent years in and around support roles and departments. I'm astonishingly bad at planning things, but if something breaks then I'm the guy you want on your team. "What if...?" well, what if, then I'll deal with it. I'll have the Dogfinder General on speed dial.

Been the same all my life. Yet to find a way of banishing the thoughts completely. I just have learned to set my sights quite low so that any positives come as a surprise.

My only coping mechanism that seems to work is to have a project on the go that I can focus on. Can be simple things like a Lego model to build, a goal at work or a big ride planned or a bigger one like working on my parent's garden or house. Without a project to focus on the negative thoughts come back quickly and I stop doing much at all. Currently starting on the beginning of a big, long-term project that is really helping to lift and focus my mind and wellbeing that I had to be persuaded to take on as the negative thoughts were stopping me committing to it, now I've started it the cloud I was under has lifted a bit. It's sort of a 40th birthday present to myself so once that date rolls by I'll probably start a thread on it, which will help keep me motivated if nothing else!

Be interesting to hear other people's coping strategies too as it's something that people are still reluctant to talk about despite it affecting lots of people. I know some friends rely on their kids and families to help them cope in various ways but I don't have that option.

As others have said, that's anxiety and catastrophisation. If it gets out of hand it will cripple you.

I think it does get worse with age, and it's certainly got worse with the pandemic.

Compartmentalizing it may help, dealing with it rationally like perchy said might help you - a variety of self help books and videos are available. CBT or mindfulness are options.

If you feel it is getting too much, talk to your GP to see how far you are along the scale and what help you may be able to get. Mine is linked to depression as well, act sooner rather than later to make sure yours doesn't go the same way.

I did a CBT course I was given via a referral from my GP which helped a lot, I'm still burdened by it, but I manage it, in time.

I'd love to try to explain it all, but I'd be doing it a disservice and would probably get the details wrong, but a very shortened version for me is there are 3 things I need to do when things are bad, sadly I don't always know when things are bad, I have to remind myself that if I'm in a panic and getting stressed and everyone else is being stupid and ignoring it, it's probably because I'm going waaay overboard.

Anyway, 3 stages:

1) Acceptance, my fears are real, the worst could happen. Denial doesn't help, even in the short term.

2) How likely is it REALLY to happen, try to calm myself, and be rational. Put a % figure to it, the first one that spring to mind is usually much lower than my fear thinks it should be, and even then, when I'm calm and rational, it still seems way too high - 3-way conversations with myself using my inner monologue? Oh yeah, sometimes.

3) Okay, if "the worst" does happen, how bad is it really? How will I feel about it in 10 mins, 10 months and 10 years? Do I really need to worry at a "10 year" level about something I'll probably forget about next week?

Doing that, eases the panic, because usually it's not that likely and even if the "worst" happens, life will carry on. Then, for Peat's sake, talk to someone, someone in real life, not the mega polarised online world. Anxious minds aren't always compatible with others, and it doesn't always come across in words from an anonymous poster online.

When I didn't know I had mental issues, when I thought I was right and the world was wrong, I used to take loads of lovely drugs, I was never an addict, never needed a 'fix' or anything like that, but I did like my Coke, Weeds, Pills and Booze, sometimes all at the same time, but the 'buzz' of relief when the stress and panic of anxiety flows out shoulders, back, legs and into the ground when I can finally talk to my Wife or one of my Mates about whatever craziness that's been worrying me is very real.

The most effective thing I have ever done is Emotional Freedom Therapy, which I did first with a counselling guy but it's all over You tube with some great tutorials. I was skeptical to say the least but it does work. I imagine it's similar to CBT (never done it) but essentially you are rewiring/brainwashing your brain to bypass the negative/doomsday thoughts when you get triggered.

The tutor also said a nice thing which was along the lines of 'All the beliefs in your head are a story that you made up along the way. You don't have to believe them'.

Rationalising can work, but it doesn't sound like it would for you. If it's not a rational worry then you can't fight back with logic in my experience.

Distraction can work and mindfulness can be very useful. They act as a bit of reset to get you out of a thought spiral. Technical riding or hard intervals or something where you are completely focussed in the moment. It takes more time but meditation and mindful practices also work. Worry is one that keep you up at night, a turbo session won't fix that. Meditation can be far more helpful. Maybe even the beginnings of the headspace tutorials would help. Focussed breathing and letting thoughts and feelings go.

Acceptance. I didn't like this link much but couldn't find any good references quickly. It gets the idea across though. Worry is normal - its a survival thing (inner chimp etc.)
https://workingwithact.com/2020/03/16/the-act-approach-to-handling-anxiety-like-a-human-being/
Don't avoid it or distract yourself from it but embrace it, acknowledge it and move on.

Do something positive. So if you are going to distract yourself don't do it with alcohol, junk food and other bad habits. Think about what really motivates you, what are your values. Do something that is positive will help distract from the anxiety and make you feel better more generally helping turn the mood.

Talk about it. Writing things down can also work but making a worry real by expressing it can also expose it for the trivial thing it is.

Use it as a positive. Worry is a motivator, thinking about what can go wrong helps you prepare should it ever happen. This goes back to the survival instinct. Sometimes this can be positive as PPPPP.

Get some proper help, if worry/anxiety becomes consuming it is a real health issue. Things like ACT, CBT can help. They may take ages through the NHS but if you have private cover you'll probably not even need a referral from your GP. There is a wealth of information online but be careful. It's not always great. And reading about Anxiety can make you more anxious if you dwell on it!

Personal positive reinforcement. Worry is a negative spiral. The pattern is hard to break. But if you worry about something and nothing goes wrong. Take time to consider it and realise that your anxiety was unfounded. SO in your example worrying about your dog. When you get home and everything is fine - take time in that moment to remember how you felt then and that nothing bad happened.

As others have commented, what you describe may be an anxiety disorder.

This may not be so helpful for anyone with crippling worry, but it's just a short video so give it a watch and try the method suggested...
https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p03rwr72

I have found it surprisingly effective for stuff like waking up at 5am thinking about work, just telling myself "it's not time for that now" and going back to sleep. It's like a Jedi self-mind trick.

@perchy yes you are right. Didn't mean to make little of your (or others) methods. We all have our ways. As has been demonstrated by the responses.

Hi Benz.

So...... What was your mum like?

I did a CBT course I was given via a referral from my GP which helped a lot, I’m still burdened by it, but I manage it, in time.

I’d love to try to explain it all, but I’d be doing it a disservice and would probably get the details wrong, but a very shortened version for me is there are 3 things I need to do when things are bad, sadly I don’t always know when things are bad, I have to remind myself that if I’m in a panic and getting stressed and everyone else is being stupid and ignoring it, it’s probably because I’m going waaay overboard.

Same here, except I didn't get as much out of the CBT course as I should have due to 2 reasons. First was I couldn't get out of my head that it would just make me worse, exacerbated by certain people at work finding out I was attending the course and using it as a way to bully me and secondly I was the only bloke on the course. This played on my fears that women don't like me, even the 3 people delivering the course were women. Those two things made attending the course stressful in itself so I spent most of the sessions worrying about that than paying attention to what was being delivered. I still have the workbooks and read through them occasionally but it just brings back the thoughts I had during the sessions so can make things worse. I was getting monthly 'Mind Coaching' sessions through the health plan at work which were helping but since I was made redundant they have stopped and I'm missing them, hence the new project. The just-announced Welsh lockdown in the New Year is scaring me shitless as I live alone and struggle during the dark months if I can't get out in the hills regularly, all despite me knowing exactly why it's happening and agreeing with it! All I can think about is the long, dark nights at home with nothing to do or anyone to talk to, fills me with dread. Add in that my new project is at my parent's house 40 miles away and I have very few ways to distract myself right now. There's only so many hours you can do on Zwift every day!

The whole worry/anxiety/mental health thing is tightly intertwined for me, and probably everyone, so you may want to tackle things form different angles as it's surprising what the triggers can be.

Something to focus on works well for me. I used to be really into climbing though less so these days - the key benefit being you really, really have to be in the moment - so it is easy to exclude other thoughts.

I also think this is why I’m such a big list maker. Honestly I have literally dozens of different lists. Worried about something - stick it on a list, seems to work for me. I actually did consider making a ‘list of list’, sort of a master list if you will, but decided it would turn into my life’s work!

One of the many well meant things written on hospital walls these days is the phrase 'It's OK not to be OK' and much though I'm not so keen on that kind of thing, it really is OK.

Accept your anxiety, learn about it, even wallow in it with a view to getting to know it; it's part of who you are.

I suspect anxiety presents along a spectrum from being organised and planning things well all the way to full blown OCD.

I know from my own experience that it can be difficult to manage but also is much more common than you think; sit down and talk to people about the way you feel, you'll be surprised how many people will sympathise.

Get to like yourself if you can, then you can start to work on the bits of you that need a little tweak.

2) How likely is it REALLY to happen, try to calm myself, and be rational. Put a % figure to it, the first one that spring to mind is usually much lower than my fear thinks it should be, and even then, when I’m calm and rational, it still seems way too high – 3-way conversations with myself using my inner monologue? Oh yeah, sometimes.

3) Okay, if “the worst” does happen, how bad is it really? How will I feel about it in 10 mins, 10 months and 10 years? Do I really need to worry at a “10 year” level about something I’ll probably forget about next week?

What you've just described here is Risk Management 101, I do this as part of my job (maybe that helps me with this stuff)?

For any task that could fail we initially ask how likely it is to go wrong and what the severity is if it does. Crossing the road carries a pretty low likelihood of failure, but potentially catastrophic results if it does go wrong. Going out in November carries a fairly high risk of getting caught in the rain but you'll get a bit wet.

We can plot this as a graph or, if you like, a square. Likelihood on one axis, severity of consequences on the other. The stuff in the top right corner (skydiving without a parachute) is our immediate concern, bottom left (brushing our teeth) we can file under "meh, WGAF" and the other two may merit further consideration.

Then we think about mitigation. How do we get those points down? I'll look both ways before crossing the road and carry a brolly. I'll give the lemming impression a hard pass. How's our grid looking now, anything still on the wrong side of that North-West / South-East diagonal? Iterate.

Visualising risk like this forces you to rationalise actual versus perceived risk. It encourages you to look for low-hanging-fruit fixes to improve your lot, and what you're left with is stuff you should probably just reconsider. It's a really useful methodology.

Following this, thank you all for sharing its helpful.

Diagnosed with anxiety 5 years ago. I was always labelled as a worrier. It was a relief to finally put a proper label on it.

8 months of sertraline and some counseling helped enormously. I've had some challenges since then but the counselling plus the experience from the medication have definitely given me better tools to deal with it when it rears its head

My Hidden Chimp.

By Prof Steve Peters.

Interesting thread. Obvious from most of my posts that I'm a huge worrier and suffer from anxiety. I'm not doing well at the moment, so won't type anymore here.

I've always been a worrier.

Go for a walk: will I get stabbed?
Leave the kids with someone: will they get nonced?
Crack in the plaster: will the house fall down?

Etc etc.

Over analysing situations. Worrying about what people think. Worrying about the world. Worry worry worry.

Finally had enough at 36 and am using the crutch that is sertraline.....

Generalised anxiety disorder.

Initially felt tired as hell for a month.

Now feeling great. Things still bother me but I can rationalise and don't have my mind reeling over and over. Less naggy. Less snappy. Less concerned about what people think. No anxiety. Must be what it's like to be normal.

Yes it is masking the problem but a pill that changes a chemical imbalance works for me, I'm one of those who can't get beyond childhood trauma/misery which I blame for my issues.

Downsides: makes me hungry. I believe weight gain is a side effect. But I run a lot.
Random upside? Last longer when taking a trip to poundtown. Thought something was odd and I googled it and it's another side effect for some but I'll take it.

Good luck!

Do you ride bikes?

Do you suffer from anxiety?

Do you want to learn a better way of coping with intrusive thoughts and worries?

Ok..... Have a look at this....

https://chimpmanagement.com/books-by-professor-steve-peters/the-silent-guides/

Steve Peters is an English psychiatrist who works in elite sport. He is best known for his work with British Cycling. He has published three books, The Chimp Paradox in 2012, My Hidden Chimp in 2018 and The Silent Guides in 2018.

If it's good enough for Sir Chris Hoy then it must be good.

I've done a lot of this, some things suit people better than others, but my outcomes that work - I say work but I have moments of peace now rather that 100% worry - for me in no particular order:

a) Mindfullness, needs to be regular and practised
b) Use of of the CBT worry tree mechanism
c) Lounging on the sofa watching mindless TV with no phones or iPads around in the evening, which is akin to "me time"
d) Using that Steve Peters book or others to understand and identify when "ego" or "chimp" enter the room. This and mindfulness helps me understand when the chimps is at play, and stop/go an do something else until he's calmed down.

and randomly:

e) This years high Sales Target vs Covid vs 2 acquisitions - seems counter-intuitive but I accepted from the start I wasn't going to make target/get 100% of my pay this year, and that removed a lot of daily stress. Oddly, despite this I am a diligent worker so will actually finish about 90% of target which feels like I've exceeded expectations tbh.

I find threads like this immensely helpful for simply showing that other people have these same irrational worries and thoughts. It's reassuring to not be unique in that respect.

Personally, I've found mindfulness exercises to be useful (ASMR videos also worth a shot) and just generally keeping myself occupied! I've also spoken with therapists in the past, the hardest part was deciding by myself when to pursue and commit to that option.

If it's any consolation, I find that particularly worrisome periods sometimes just pass of their own accord and I can enjoy significant periods of time without a care in the world.

For me, a variant on GTD really helps, you can google it, and do it with apps (I use omnifocus) or just pen and notebook, but the key parts for me if you worry is this:

- When you think about something (to do, or think about, or check up on). Note it immediately (so an app, or note on your phone is good, as it's always there).
- Once a week, at a regular time, review your list. Remove irrelevant stuff, do anything you can do in a couple minutes right then, leave everything else to roll over.

The key thing is the habit of regular review. If you note the thing, and know that you'll review it (cos you always do) it lifts some of the weight.

The bonus is, if you find yourself with 10/20/60 mins during the week, you can think "i'll just open my list and do a few items on it", which helps you feel instantly productive knowing stuff is getting done.

A warning - the list will grow infinitely, it's worth occasionally deleting stuff that's been there a while. After all, if it has, it's not immediately important and you can always re-add it if you find it comes up again.

I've mentioned this on another mental health thread but "The Chimp Paradox" by Prof. Steve Peters was a game changer for me, also a great worrier from childhood. It puts things in simple terms as to why you worry etc. and gives you coping mechanisms that seem to work. I know that there is no one size fits all when it comes to anxiety but I would definitely give this one a try.

I have always been known to be a worrier. always a glass half enpty kind of guy or what if this was to happen. I thought it was a good thing if im honest. but after 30 years of it i finally had a fairly big wobble. Lots of things happened but i cracked.

i ended up on flourexatine. for a year i wasnt myself. Ive settled down now to accept that things are ok and this stuff has quite literally given me a second go at stuff. a lot of the worry has gone but on the flip side if also stopped caring about a lot of things which isnt that nice. CBT didnt work. getting out on my bike certainly didnt work as i was left thinking to myself.

I now honestly realise ive missed out on half my life if this is what your "supposed" to feel like but i also feel like a bit of a drug user.

Sub clinical anxiety disorders (GAD) aren’t common but your GP will be able to help, alternatively you can refer yourself through IAPT services in your area (look them up in the NHS website)

don’t suffer alone, get some help.

I’ve had issues with anxiety for several years and seems to have got worse the last couple. It is labelled social anxiety and it effects me greatly any time a big event is coming up such as a big group meal, wedding, birthday party etc. In fact, now just a few drinks with friends would be an issue for me. Whenever there is an expectation for everyone to be excited and have a great time, the feeling of dread consumes me and I feel physically sick and withdrawn.

On one hand lockdown has been great as any events have been cancelled but I think in the long term it will have set me back as now I am out of practice. My best year was when I had 6 weddings to attend as one successful one (Success measured on how I feel and whether or not I can eat the meal) leads to positive thoughts for the next. However, a negative experience is dwelled on for a lot longer and it makes me feel sick with worry for future events.

I had group CBT several years ago. I don’t think it had much effect on me but I took comfort in sharing my experiences and thoughts with others who were going through similar. I’d recommend it as I think others in my group benefited greatly.

A walk outdoors is the best method I’ve got at the moment of distracting myself from negative thoughts but I really need to put some work in on this. The links above are a great help and I think an audio book for my lunchtime walks is a good starting point.