Now then, to give this story some context, last year was the celebration for being forty years married so we had various holidays planned. We had a very successful time staying in Castleton in January for two weeks which was close enough to home so our daughters could join us when shifts and work allowed, all good so far. We went away in March in the motorhome and I also managed a camping trip (in the snow). The highlight of spring though was going to be a cruise, not the type that might immediately come to mind but a canal cruise. My wife had always wanted to go on a narrowboat but her only experience so far had been the Santa special on the Chesterfield Canal - I had witnessed various Narrowboat calamities over the years walking and cycling on towpaths including boats jammed across junctions and couples arguing so I was reluctant especially with it being me operating the locks. I came up with a plan, I found that The Lancaster Canal didn’t have any locks and was also reasonably close to good transport links so that the children could join us in between shifts. I booked the biggest boat, six birth, for two weeks. That was the only bit that went smoothly. We arrived in good time on collection day, the training was comprehensive but majored too much on things like how the microwave worked and various other minutia including going off on some considerable tangents. After a good couple of hours we were then in the position to go for a test drive with our instructor, he manoeuvred us out of the marina and after a short period the tiller was handed to me. He was obviously satisfied because we turned round (he did that bit) then we headed back up to the marina where we were expecting to practice parking procedures. That did not happen and he guided us past the marina and towards our first narrow bridge where he promptly jumped off and shouted “see you in two weeks”! By this time we were very hungry after setting off early that morning so decided to stop after a couple of miles and followed the advice that we could berth anywhere on the towpath side where there was the metal piling. The first problem, stopping - we realised we’d not been shown that. I have some very limited experience of boats so steered as close to the bank as possible, very slowly, my wife took over the tiller and I jumped off with the centre painter in hand (get me) to pull the boat into the side. I found out that eighteen tonnes of boat will not let you pull it around and I was dragged along the bank in some sort of bizarre, one sided tug-of-war.. Eventually we got moored up and had some food and then came the next problem - we were stuck fast and no amount of revving the very powerful engine would free us. I got the long pole off the roof and started pushing against the bank and after a huge amount of effort the boat started moving and at the same time the end of the pole slipped, how I stopped myself from falling in I’ll never know but my shoulder is injured still almost a year later. Off we went and gradually we relaxed but there was the fear of mooring up clouding our enjoyment. I’d spotted on the map a pub so aimed for a quiet spot near there and after another hour or so and lots of straining and grunting we were moored for the night. The pub was now a private house and all the locals sounded their horns on approach to the nearby humpback bridge, not a relaxing night. We managed to set off ok and headed for Garstang where after the usual comedy drag along the bank we moored up again. A nice town but the next morning we had no electricity, the fridge was warm, lights not working so we made the call and eventually the owner came with his box of tools and diagnosed a slipping belt (I had told him that it’d been screaming like a banshee), he was clearly no mechanic and although the Chinese made engine was a thing of beauty, the twin alternator drive belt system was not. With it fixed we decided to stop an extra night, the fear of parking looming large in our minds. The next morning I watched a huge boat moor behind ours and noticed how very slowly he came in and also the use of bow thrusters, we had bow thrusters, mentioned by the owners wife but dismissed as not necessary - I investigated their operation for future use. We next travelled to Hest Bank, right next to Morecambe Bay, I used the bow thrusters and dead slow technique - game changer but still had a bit of a drag. We went for a pint in a micro pub right on the level crossing, it shook considerably with the regular high speed trains but great fun. Next morning no electricity again, eventually a proper mechanic came out and after a few hours we were sorted but decided to stay another night. You might think that these tribulations wouldn’t have affected the relaxing, slow journey through the countryside, they didn’t, there wasn’t any relaxing! The 57 foot long boat had a mind of it’s own, any lack of concentration on the steering and it took considerable effort to get back on course, the canal was very winding and as discovered before not deep enough in places, add to this the effect of wind, yes wind, on the 18 tonne boat and it was a muscle straining, eye bulging experience. After leaving Hest Bank we had been warned of a swing bridge, not the lift up type but the pivot type but had been assured that as it only served one house it would be open. Wrong, shut and chained! We moored up and I got off and sussed it out. I swung it open and waved my wife through. To my horror it started swinging shut again, my wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through. We were going to stop in Lancaster but the easy berths were full, however we did manage to get stuck next to a busy towpath where some students helped us by sitting on the bank and pushing with their feet. We promptly got stuck again, we were in the middle of the canal ffs! I then had to use the pole again which inevitably got stuck in the mud while the boat moved off, another comedy moment at my expense. Our children wisely decided not to join us with various excuses for which we were very grateful and I was certainly regretting the two week booking but we carried on getting ever closer to something that I was dreading even more than the nightly parking up. Turning round! Now the mechanic who had come out the second time had given me some advice, “if you go into the winding hole stern first then the wind will catch you and you’ll be stuck” heeding this advice I rammed in bow first and used plenty of throttle to swing the stern over before reversing out. Textbook according to a watching boat restorer, I treasure that moment as my highlight of the trip. We had a terrible Sunday dinner at the smart hotel then powered down to Carnforth where we wanted to have a look at the station, made famous in “Brief Encounter”. We got moored up and walked to the station, what a scruffy mess and even the famous clock was missing. We did have another comedy moment where I was enquiring in a charity shop about a brass hare in the window and the assistant thought I wanted to buy the wigs off the mannequin! I visited a very old pub I’d read about that night (I was still drinking then), lovely and quaint until I went in where the inside had been ripped out, the floor replaced with laminate and ceiling downlighters everywhere. When we came to leave the next morning (the town not the pub) we were stuck fast. How does that happen? It took a huge amount of effort to get us free again so we decided to go full steam ahead and head for Hest Bank and the pub, on the way we got stuck in Lancaster again, the throttle needed to keep steerage and the light bow caused by the fresh water tank volume reduction combining to get us stuck in the bushes. A good night in Hest Bank then full power to Garstang where I’d spotted a fantastic pie shop on the way up. Textbook parking (my textbook not The Competent Boaters Handbook). Next day the pie shop was shut (not uncommon apparently) the canalside pub had lost its chef for the day and I got pecked on my arm by a swan whilst eating my cheese and pickle sandwich on the deck.
To sum up - not in the least relaxing, I was looking forward to pottering along enjoying the views and stopping where we fancied. The reality was that the concentration required on a very twisty, tree strewn canal that wasn’t deep enough in lots of places meant it was quite stressful and the uncertainty of whether we could stop constantly played on our minds. We took the boat back a day early and if you’re wondering…. We are still married!
As above, however:
My wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through
I'd consider a reword.
Look, I’ve done it so you don’t have to, you could at least read it and save yourselves greater pain!
Thank you ChatGPT
Last year, we celebrated 40 years of marriage with several holidays, including a two-week stay in Castleton and a motorhome trip in March. The highlight was supposed to be a canal cruise on a narrowboat, which my wife had always wanted to try. I found a boat on the Lancaster Canal, which had no locks, and booked the largest one for two weeks. The training was lengthy but not helpful, and after a brief test drive, the instructor jumped off, leaving us to figure things out on our own.
We struggled from the start—mooring was a challenge, and after getting stuck, I injured my shoulder trying to free the boat. The journey was anything but relaxing; there were constant issues with electricity, mechanical problems, and a lot of muscle-straining navigation through a winding, shallow canal. At one point, I had to swing open a bridge myself, and we got stuck in Lancaster, where students helped us push the boat.
Our children wisely opted out of joining us, and by the end, I was regretting the two-week booking. The most satisfying moment was successfully turning the boat around at a winding hole. We ended the trip early, exhausted and frustrated, but we’re still married!
Tough crowd tonight ? OP, sounds like the (lack of) training was the downfall - best watch some YouTube videos in preparation for next time! Congrats on 40 (41?) years married.
I had always facied a self drive boating holiday one day. Perhaps not"
Look, I’ve done it so you don’t have to, you could at least read it and save yourselves greater pain!
Not a chance! I’m not reading a solid wall of text posted up by someone who clearly doesn’t understand the concept of the return key and paragraphs.
It’s not difficult to understand, unless you’ve never read an actual book. [img] 
[/img]
That’s the trouble with you young ‘uns, limited attention span and limited desire to learn stuff…
I’m 70, I worked in print and publishing for 30 years, I learned about paragraphs at school, and taught myself to read before I went to school. How about you learn something that doesn’t piss everyone else off.
Iz diasapoint - I was waiting for the whip cracking bit.
Kayak sounds more fun.
That’s the trouble with you young ‘uns, limited attention span and limited desire to learn stuff…
I'm 56, my little remaining time is precious 🙂
Blimey, some folk are a bit touchy!
OP - The Crossing micro pub at Hest Bank is an interesting place. I’ve tucked a few pints away in there and wild camped by the monument on the hillside a little further down. The frequency of the trains was a bit reminiscent of that scene in the Blues Brothers though!
Well I enjoyed it anyway.
Been on a couple with friends. Won't be going on anymore. Substandard accommodation, especially if sharing. My wife and I shared the 'living area' as a bedroom with another couple, luckily there was a modesty curtain between us, unluckily though it only came down to waist height, you might be able to see naked genitals but had to work out which of the straight couple they belonged to.
Chug chugging slowly along, the view not really changing - one canal bank looks much like another.
I wasn't allowed to take a bike to escape either, not very sociable and no space to store it.
And ridiculously expensive. Why people spend life savings on them to have a millstone around their neck is beyond me.
Try it though, you might like it!
Is a great thing to do and relaxing. Watch you tube then if stil confused ask people you are renting from to show you. Would do again
And enjoys thread
I thought the lack of paragraphs was a quirky literary wheeze to make the story flow in a nonstop fashion, but then after a few flowagraohs it did just get too tiring.
Out of interest OP, what was the reason for not hitting the Return key?
@CountZero did you go straight to rude, grumpy old man?
It
was
an
attempt
at
a
light
hearted
thread
to
put
a
smile
on
some faces!
To paraphrase... Wherever your relationship is going, you'll get there faster in a narrowboat.
And as anyone on the cut will tell you, it's a full contact sport.
I did a 10 day trip without any previous experience and loved it.
I very enjoyed the story in the op as well
Oh eh OP, tough holiday and tough crowd...
It could have been worse.
One of the more unusual jobs I've been paid to do was return a 'loaned out for a friend's honeymoon' narrow boat from Llangollen to the other side of Wigan. Apparently the newlyweds had a similar experience to yours, plus some other matrimonial strife, and so had both walked out on the boat and each other after a week of honeymoon.
They didn't however inform the owner, who got a call from Llangollen canal person to say why is your boat dumped on a random mooring for a week...
And the boat was booked for the next week for a commercial rental...I had three very long days to get the boat back again solo. Proper dawn till dusk stuff. Thankfully as a Powerboat Instructor I had half an idea of what to do, even though I was warned for speeding a couple of times...
OP, your post raised a chuckle, thanks. We've been on a few narrow boat holidays and have thoroughly enjoyed them, but I recognised some of the issues in your post! Trust me though, the relaxing, great countryside and fantastic canalside pubs are all there. Your hire company is clearly the main issue for not providing decent instruction. Give it another go, with a few hours of proper instruction and maybe a better route (locks are ace). I've deliberately left paragraph breaks out in solidarity. Jeez there are some rude, unpleasant people on here. No need. Congratulations on your 40th anniversary, our 38th this year. I shall look at a holiday on the cut in 2 years time!
Yeah, pretty good imo. Did one after uni exams - more of a 3 day pub crawl without walking. Also a stag do. Ideal and fairly cheap accommodation for 24 of us (I think) in 2 boats. Boat pub crawl into town, big night out and then boat pub crawl back the following day.
Sorry you didn’t enjoy it. I have been on a few when I as younger and always loved them, yes there were some of the things you described but we just cracked on. However, there was always a bunch of us so it was easy to have someone up front directing or 2 doing locks or pushing you off if stuck etc. I don’t think I would have enjoyed being the only 2 people on a big old 6 berth doing all the work.
I hear tunnels are particularly formative.
I learned about paragraphs at school, and taught myself to read before I went to school.
Impressive. Didn't fancy the politeness, modesty or social skills modules after completing the child prodigy one? 😉
Did one a few years ago on the Mersey Trent. Kids where 15 and 10. Instruction was about an hour which didn't seem much but was sufficient, felt a bit nervousat first but you soon get the hang of it, by the end of the week I reckonedmyselfquite the expert boat handler LOL. 15 year old became the designated lock operative which he loved. I'd happily do another one, it gives you an entirely different perspective of the countryside.
Did a 4 nighter as a long Stag Weekend on the Rochdale Canal starting at Sowerby Bridge. Was great fun! We were a dab hand at the locks after the first couple.
I often cycle along the Leeds Liverpool Canal towpath and rarely see anyone on a narrowboat holiday who actually appears to be enjoying it.
I remember the Tardibigge flight being particularly impressive... if you like locks. If you embrace the slow pace and wandering through industrial heritage, then you will enjoy it. The only downside I remember was a small engine fire in a tunnel, but we put it out and fixed it after a while and cracked on.
Operated our large weed harvester and small weed boats in summer and use to sometimes work off our large work boat in winter when we had it. Some days were fun others boring but I was paid to do it. I’d be buggered if I’d ever pay to go on a boating holiday.
I really enjoyed that. Always been tempted to do something similar but my wife isnt a confident swimmer and feels unsafe on boats. This has put the nail in the coffin on this dream. I dont think our marriage would survive.
Thanks for the review.
We went on a few boating holidays when i was a kid in the 80s - not narrowboats (dad is 6 foot 7) but those cruiser type things. Me and my brother absolutely loved it, especially doing the lock gates and camping in random places.
Loch Ness on a windy day was pretty intimidating, mind!
Lived on a narrowboat for 5 years, so fully conversant with all the difficulties of boat life, and then some. There's a reason hire boaters have a reputation among boat owners, and hire operators really don't give enough guidance. Lots of men see-sawing on the throttle to strong arm an 18 ton boat...add in lots of drinking and it gets worse. It has serious consequences too, as it's actually fairly easy to sink a boat in a lock if you hang up on the sill, and if you don't leave a lock gate as instructed (paddle closed or open), it can empty a section of canal (pound).
Did you mention the high cost..or having to empty the toilet?
Simple answer (although I don't know if it actually answers the OPs question as I could not bear to read that.
Narrow boat holidays are fun until it comes to parking the bloody things.
I did copy and paste the story into ChatGPT, asking it to make a six panel comic strip, but it said I had to make an account before it would draw pictures, so here it isn't:
Did a stag weekend once, two boats, hire from Brewood, much fun, little drama, would do again.
I can't help myself...
Now then, to give this story some context, last year was the celebration for being forty years married so we had various holidays planned. We had a very successful time staying in Castleton in January for two weeks which was close enough to home so our daughters could join us when shifts and work allowed, all good so far. We went away in March in the motorhome and I also managed a camping trip (in the snow). The highlight of spring though was going to be a cruise, not the type that might immediately come to mind but a canal cruise.
My wife had always wanted to go on a narrowboat but her only experience so far had been the Santa special on the Chesterfield Canal – I had witnessed various Narrowboat calamities over the years walking and cycling on towpaths including boats jammed across junctions and couples arguing so I was reluctant especially with it being me operating the locks. I came up with a plan, I found that The Lancaster Canal didn’t have any locks and was also reasonably close to good transport links so that the children could join us in between shifts. I booked the biggest boat, six birth [sic], for two weeks. That was the only bit that went smoothly.
We arrived in good time on collection day, the training was comprehensive but majored too much on things like how the microwave worked and various other minutia including going off on some considerable tangents. After a good couple of hours we were then in the position to go for a test drive with our instructor, he manoeuvred us out of the marina and after a short period the tiller was handed to me. He was obviously satisfied because we turned round (he did that bit) then we headed back up to the marina where we were expecting to practice parking procedures. That did not happen and he guided us past the marina and towards our first narrow bridge where he promptly jumped off and shouted “see you in two weeks”! By this time we were very hungry after setting off early that morning so decided to stop after a couple of miles and followed the advice that we could berth anywhere on the towpath side where there was the metal piling.
The first problem, stopping – we realised we’d not been shown that. I have some very limited experience of boats so steered as close to the bank as possible, very slowly, my wife took over the tiller and I jumped off with the centre painter in hand (get me) to pull the boat into the side. I found out that eighteen tonnes of boat will not let you pull it around and I was dragged along the bank in some sort of bizarre, one sided tug-of-war.. Eventually we got moored up and had some food and then came the next problem – we were stuck fast and no amount of revving the very powerful engine would free us. I got the long pole off the roof and started pushing against the bank and after a huge amount of effort the boat started moving and at the same time the end of the pole slipped, how I stopped myself from falling in I’ll never know but my shoulder is injured still almost a year later. Off we went and gradually we relaxed but there was the fear of mooring up clouding our enjoyment.
I’d spotted on the map a pub so aimed for a quiet spot near there and after another hour or so and lots of straining and grunting we were moored for the night. The pub was now a private house and all the locals sounded their horns on approach to the nearby humpback bridge, not a relaxing night. We managed to set off ok and headed for Garstang where after the usual comedy drag along the bank we moored up again. A nice town but the next morning we had no electricity, the fridge was warm, lights not working so we made the call and eventually the owner came with his box of tools and diagnosed a slipping belt (I had told him that it’d been screaming like a banshee), he was clearly no mechanic and although the Chinese made engine was a thing of beauty, the twin alternator drive belt system was not. With it fixed we decided to stop an extra night, the fear of parking looming large in our minds. The next morning I watched a huge boat moor behind ours and noticed how very slowly he came in and also the use of bow thrusters, we had bow thrusters, mentioned by the owners wife but dismissed as not necessary – I investigated their operation for future use.
We next travelled to Hest Bank, right next to Morecambe Bay, I used the bow thrusters and dead slow technique – game changer but still had a bit of a drag. We went for a pint in a micro pub right on the level crossing, it shook considerably with the regular high speed trains but great fun. Next morning no electricity again, eventually a proper mechanic came out and after a few hours we were sorted but decided to stay another night. You might think that these tribulations wouldn’t have affected the relaxing, slow journey through the countryside, they didn’t, there wasn’t any relaxing! The 57 foot long boat had a mind of it’s own, any lack of concentration on the steering and it took considerable effort to get back on course, the canal was very winding and as discovered before not deep enough in places, add to this the effect of wind, yes wind, on the 18 tonne boat and it was a muscle straining, eye bulging experience.
After leaving Hest Bank we had been warned of a swing bridge, not the lift up type but the pivot type but had been assured that as it only served one house it would be open. Wrong, shut and chained! We moored up and I got off and sussed it out. I swung it open and waved my wife through. To my horror it started swinging shut again, my wife looked aghast and I waved her on, with 18 tonnes on the move there was only going to be one winner and with an almighty bang she was through. We were going to stop in Lancaster but the easy berths were full, however we did manage to get stuck next to a busy towpath where some students helped us by sitting on the bank and pushing with their feet. We promptly got stuck again, we were in the middle of the canal ffs! I then had to use the pole again which inevitably got stuck in the mud while the boat moved off, another comedy moment at my expense.
Our children wisely decided not to join us with various excuses for which we were very grateful and I was certainly regretting the two week booking but we carried on getting ever closer to something that I was dreading even more than the nightly parking up. Turning round! Now the mechanic who had come out the second time had given me some advice, “if you go into the winding hole stern first then the wind will catch you and you’ll be stuck” heeding this advice I rammed in bow first and used plenty of throttle to swing the stern over before reversing out. Textbook according to a watching boat restorer, I treasure that moment as my highlight of the trip. We had a terrible Sunday dinner at the smart hotel then powered down to Carnforth where we wanted to have a look at the station, made famous in “Brief Encounter”.
We got moored up and walked to the station, what a scruffy mess and even the famous clock was missing. We did have another comedy moment where I was enquiring in a charity shop about a brass hare in the window and the assistant thought I wanted to buy the wigs off the mannequin! I visited a very old pub I’d read about that night (I was still drinking then), lovely and quaint until I went in where the inside had been ripped out, the floor replaced with laminate and ceiling downlighters everywhere. When we came to leave the next morning (the town not the pub) we were stuck fast. How does that happen? It took a huge amount of effort to get us free again so we decided to go full steam ahead and head for Hest Bank and the pub, on the way we got stuck in Lancaster again, the throttle needed to keep steerage and the light bow caused by the fresh water tank volume reduction combining to get us stuck in the bushes.
A good night in Hest Bank then full power to Garstang where I’d spotted a fantastic pie shop on the way up. Textbook parking (my textbook not The Competent Boaters Handbook). Next day the pie shop was shut (not uncommon apparently) the canalside pub had lost its chef for the day and I got pecked on my arm by a swan whilst eating my cheese and pickle sandwich on the deck.
To sum up – not in the least relaxing, I was looking forward to pottering along enjoying the views and stopping where we fancied. The reality was that the concentration required on a very twisty, tree strewn canal that wasn’t deep enough in lots of places meant it was quite stressful and the uncertainty of whether we could stop constantly played on our minds. We took the boat back a day early and if you’re wondering…. We are still married!
FTFY
Narrow boat holidays are fun until it comes to parking the bloody things.
Parking is the most fun!
