If you are trying to gain his trust, why not just get the phone repaired. Don’t cut a deal, don’t put conditions on getting it repaired, just take him to the repair place, get it fixed, pay, go home.
Access comes later. When he trusts you.
It’s not a business deal you’re trying to do, it’s al about emotions, quite deeply seated by the sounds of it.
Good point - will discuss that with my wife. Although, thinking about it, I am not sure he would be comfortable letting it out of his sight for a second so I'd need to find someone that will do it with him watching and even that might not work.
Or get him a new phone, help him copy everything across *without encroaching on his privacy*, looking at his files or installing spyware/whatever. Show that you can be trusted, especially if he has that much of distrust of adults.
I think he wouldn't accept that one but certainly something we could discuss.
Unless there are some very real and specific worries (which obviously you can't post specifics) I'd just go along with what poly said...
Even simpler ??
It's something you'd disapprove of or he thinks you would... or just plain personal.. or even random stuff he thought was cool and doesn't now.
It's incredibly unlikely its anything as traumatic or serious as losing his mum... or (unless you have real reason otherwise) as bad as you worry.
Whatever you can and can't do to make the poor blighters life better is HUGELY and probably above ALL ELSE going to hinge on trust... from his perspective you are asking him to trust you whilst demonstrating you don't trust him.
From your perspective .. you're an adult and have more experience and wisdom... he's 11.. that's never going to wash and this isn't meant to sound rude but probably does ... one of you has to "be the adult" and take the first step in this
pretty much everything at that age but it could be things as simple as a racist jibe or sexist joke or the excellent examples poly gave... any of the stuff you and I did or said at that age.
The HUGE difference and the one I stress to my son is we didn't have social media.. or phones or a log being made of our entire lives for which I'm profoundly grateful.
Not seen the suggestion to contact his contract provider, see what they can offer... I know when I first set up my son's phone on Talkmobile there were some options and limitations available. (He's still with them now he's at Uni, cos it's only £8 a month.)
I think EE have some blocking available, must have monitoring, or checking too.
If the lad has something to hide, then no doubt you need to get something sorted.
Good luck
from his perspective you are asking him to trust you whilst demonstrating you don’t trust him.
I would phrase it a different way, and the way that we phrased it to our son, that we want to give him Trust and responsibility, however at age 12 he is not worldly wise, and we need to help safeguard and protect him. We have actually asked him to be honest and open with us and ask questions about anything he sees online, and we need to be able to see what hes looking at to guide him. Thats how you build trust.
@stevextc - It is actually very hard to know what may be happening, what may be on the phone, why he is so guarded about it but we do know that the social services flagged his reliance on it as a concern when we took him in and asked us to try to find out what/why it is. This was very much compounded by his response when I needed his phone briefly yesterday (physically and emotional as well as with the delay in giving it to me after much tapping away at the screen). He wasn't just having a tantrum, it was a full-on melt-down (sat on the floor and shaking uncontrollably - not just having a strop). Perhaps it is simply because it is a very precious thing to him (maybe a rare gift from his mum)? or maybe he was panicking that we'd see something on there that he knew/assumed would get him into trouble?
Saying that, he had a similar physical response at the weekend when we tried to take him for a haircut at a different hairdressers than the one he used when his mum was around - the same shaking and curling up into a shell - so whatever is on the phone may be utterly insignificant but just very important to him? Maybe one day we will find out.
The scary thing is how he is minutes later after these outbursts of emotion - the lid is straight back on the box, he appears perfectly happy and you'd never know. I do know that one day we (or another carer) will witness an explosive outpouring of emotions though...
Not seen the suggestion to contact his contract provider, see what they can offer…
They won't speak to us - the account was set up by his mum and of course we have no admin rights/passwords.
Poor lad - doesn't sound like in my completely un educated view that its about hiding content on a phone, more mental health issues that need support
Poor lad – doesn’t sound like in my completely un educated view that its about hiding content on a phone, more mental health issues that need support
Yes that's in hand with various departments (there are several issues that need addressing) but he simply does not talk to people at all (as in outright and complete silence when he is with any specialist). However for the majority of the time when he is just a kid being a kid he is actually quite nice - generally polite, tidies up after himself, resilient, responsible and intelligent. I have no idea how - he must have worked all that out for himself growing up.
They won’t speak to us – the account was set up by his mum and of course we have no admin rights/passwords
Bloody hell, you take on all that responsibility and they put obstacles in your way! What a shit situation. Sorry, not helpful, but man, no wonder you have to resort to asking on the internet!
He seems to be coping incredibly well considering he just lost his mum.
However it would be an absolute miracle if he hasn't got trust issues and is scared to death what's going to happen to him and who decides.
You are doing an amazing job but what you can do to help him is going to rely on his trust.
It is actually very hard to know what may be happening, what may be on the phone, why he is so guarded about it but we do know that the social services flagged his reliance on it as a concern when we took him in and asked us to try to find out what/why it is.
That's their issue ...it's not yours and most certainly not his.
If he was 5 it might be a blanket or soft toy... but he's 11 and its 2022.
but he simply does not talk to people at all (as in outright and complete silence when he is with any specialist).
There is a huge elephant in the room here... he's just lost his mum ..his whole world has fallen apart.... of course he's got some issues, he would have to have very serious personality disorders NOT to be affected.
He's probably also terrified about what is going to happen to him and who makes those decisions. Meltdowns in hairdressers or over a phone are not entirely unknown for 11yr old boys anyway..
I've no idea if he has a father, grandparents etc. etc. he might want to live with (and I doubt you can say) but when I was his age I divided the world between those trying to take me away from my mum and immediate family, a couple of very close friends and my scout leader..
My guess is you need to get on that VERY VERY small list of people he trusts at all in order to help him.
There are no guarantees there isn't something of real consequence on his phone... however considering things of consequence that happened to him in the last month (maybe longer) they are 90%+ likely to be mostly or completely inconsequential. I know you can't say but reading what you did say and a bit of extrapolation.. it's not going to be anything half as lifechanging as loosing his mum.
On the other hand the consequences of you looking at his phone are well over 90% likely to erode any trust and what are you even going to do if you find something like some porn or his discussing his math's teachers boobs with a school mate etc.
Are you going to report back to social services ??? If you did and this gets brought up by "specialists" he's going to know it's you ... even if you don't he's probably going to be waiting for you to do it??? I just don't see any positive outcomes from doing it and lots of negatives???
My feeling (based on when I was 11) is what he needs now is some trust... and someone to trust?
I could be wrong, I'm no expert and I'm giving you my "consumer view" not the "expert"/"specialist" view
They won’t speak to us – the account was set up by his mum and of course we have no admin rights/passwords.
But they'll happily take your money?
Or are you talking about his Google account?
Also, +1 everything Steve just said.
@steve - can I message you directly?
@cougar - no, we are doing ‘friends and family’ top ups so he has a usable phone - the auto top-ups have stopped since his mums account was shut down.
steve – can I message you directly?
Of course mate .
edits: Sent you a message with email and phone as well.
